Eternally single

[Tootsurly]

Just trying to understand why most people seem to find it so easy to form relationships whereas I have long periods of singledom punctuated by brief dysfunctional liaisons with emotionally repressed/retarded men which last a matter of weeks before being plunged into another interminable period of singledom.

It makes me feel I'm not a proper adult and that life is rather pointless.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but please don't suggest I do OLD or speed-dating or joining a walking group because believe me I've tried it all. Also please don't comment to say you've been married for 25 years but if your DP died you'd happily spend the rest of your days on your own.

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

I don’t think most people find it “so easy” To form relationships. There are a few very beautiful or very charismatic people who attract lots of attention and it’s arguably then comparatively easy for these people to just pick someone they like from the throng. But generally I think most people just get really lucky and meet one person they can form a relationship with young.A lot of my married friends are certainly very awkward and if they got divorced I don’t know if they’d find someone else suitable.

With people who are perennially single though there usually seems to be something else, for example a lot of autistic people I know seem to find it hard to form a relationship, often don’t seem to notice when other people are interested etc. some people have damaging family backgrounds and hold themselves back from others as they are basically a bit fucked up and some therapy might well help. Some people only like people who aren’t really “available” so will get terrible crushes on/have affairs with married men/women but don’t seem to think they deserve a whole relationship. Some people just have absolutely no flirting skills so will just eg be quite standoffish or very blank with people they find attractive and the objects of their attraction never know. Some people have low self esteem and will put up with whatever unhealthy crumbs some bloke throws them and that kind of distracts them often over years and years from finding the good ones. And some just have really shit luck or lack of opportunities. Do any of these apply?

I think it gets harder and harder as we get older to meet a sensible, kind, attractive, responsible man who wants a monogamous relationship with a woman around his own age, rather than younger than him. Don't start thinking there is something wrong with you, you've probably just not been one of the luckiest ones, didn't meet anyone when you were very young, and your confidence has slipped now.
Reading Mumset doesn't half make me realise how many unspeakably horrible relationships there are out there, and that being single is better than that.

Away from your home, job, friends and a place where there are already lots of men!

Sounds cliched, but what worked for me was taking a break and working on myself. Sports, yoga, travel.

@Tootsurly I am one of those annoying people who is about to say "I've been married" but honestly apart from my (awful) marriage, I have been single my whole life, I'm in my late 40s now.

I always really struggled to make and maintain relationships in a similar way to you describe, while other people seem to go effortlessly from partner to partner (and decent men too, not just random idiots they've settled for - that would be me who did that!)

The options @WitcheryDivine listed above apply to me in lots of ways, do any apply to you?

Yes, several of those apply. I am aware of this, but it doesn't improve the situation (either in terms of how I feel about it, or in terms of increasing my chances of meeting someone). I had hoped that the many years of therapy I had in my 30s and 40s might have resolved some of the issues, but they don't seem to. I'd have been better off spending the money on some nice holidays.

OP, do you have the same difficulty making friends? I don't mean friendly acquaintances but deep friendships?

I ask because I think (and I know opinions will differ) that a good marriage isn't that much different to a deep friendship in many respects.

No, sorry, I didn't think it would make you feel better but what you actually asked was why you have remained single/not had good relationships rather than for solutions. I'm sorry you felt therapy was a waste of money.

Personally I think the solution to finding nice relationships (not necessarily brilliant, long lasting ones but ones that are nice even if you're not a good match long term) is meeting lots of people, smiling and making eye contact with them, and having a rock solid shark cage/absolute commitment to dumping people the minute you realise they've got red flags.

I think you have just been unlucky.

If you want a relationship you need to play the odds, and that means meeting more people. That, I’m afraid, means joining social groups if you don’t want to do active dating. It also means being a bit forward.

A lot of folk settle for a very less than perfect and quite unsatisfactory partner. You only have to read MN for confirmation of that. But meeting the 'right' one is luck. And even then it sometimes goes sour after a time.

Yep 50's, been single since 36, had a few relationships on and off in that time with gaps of a year or 2. I think on reflection, the way it goes, is, after a longish stint on your own, there's a risk of lowering standards so you find someone via OLD, or maybe they just seem more attractive than they are after being alone. But actually, they turn out to be poor quality, so it's short lived ( if got sense and end it). Then you swear you'll hang out for quality next time. Only they are rare as hens teeth so nothing happens until you drop your standards and the cycle continues. Best you get out of it is sex along the way - which can be better than nothing at all for years maybe, depending on your pov.

Checking in on you OP @Tootsurly , how are you feeling about things today?

Much the same, really! Currently contemplating a third weekend in a row with no social plans and a solo Christmas Day.

Thanks for thinking of me!

Ooof. Yeah that sounds rough, I know how you feel. I don't know about you but it would be towards the end of the workday on Friday when it would occur to me all my colleagues were wrapping up work to have plans with their people and I would just be walking into an empty kitchen thinking "well what now??"

I have felt quite down about the whole thing today, which is what made me remember you as I think we are in similar situations.

I just wanted you to feel a bit less "odd one out" and a bit more understood. I get it.. I'm over here feeling the same too!

I hope you find something to.make you smile this weekend, no matter how small xxx

Another one here who will be spending the weekend alone. I've lost count of the number of years. Kinda used to it by now.

I did a few of these. Firstly after bad marriage and relationships - I did lots of therapy with a trained counsellor. I looked at red flags and I listened to myself.

I did bumble. I put on my profile what I wanted and what I liked. I looked at their profile and did not look at looks at all really.

Any message not asking how I was? Didn’t go further.

any hit of marriage or them being a idiot or wanting sex - it finished.

Mine messaged me and always asked how my day / weekend was and had his own interests. Etc

I’ll be totally honest looks wise - absolutely not my type. Met him for a dog walk and a cup of tea, he was nervous but polite and friendly and we chatted well. I then told him - I’d like to see you again. He didn’t mess about, he phoned when he said he would. On date 4 he asked to hold my hand and I fell in love. We now live together and we are getting married. He is the kindest man ever and we have the most incredible sex, he is my best friend and I do fancy him beyond anything.

I didn’t stop looking, I didn’t ask friends, I didn’t lower my standards - I raised them.

I was 10 years post divorce if it helps. Keep looking.

If you know you're going to be alone, don't you plan things for yourself? I'm going to a couple of exhibitions this weekend. Last weekend, I was at the (very windy) beach for a walk. Next weekend, I'm going to another city to catch up with a friend. I'm not going to let being alone stop me doing things. You can just focus on things you are interested- it can be easier than having to factor in other people and their tastes in that way.

Not sure why you phrased it like that. I said I had no social plans, not no plans.

I generally don't mind doing activities on my own, even things that people usually do with friends or in couples such as going to the cinema or out for a meal. But I'd like someone to stay at home and do nothing with.

Definitely familiar with the weekly "what now?" feeling.

Totally.

the Misery I read on here, breathtaking.

How often do you meet men who you are physically attracted to OP? (Whether they are single or not).

How often do men approach you or express and interest? Have you gone out on dates with anyone who asked you or have you previously turned down men who weren’t your “type”? Or have you have really been asked out at all?

How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 looks wise, really honestly? If you are a 7, for example, are you attracted to 8/9s, or are you dating down a bit? (And I know that some people get all worked up about this and say that looks aren’t everything, and that is true - but at first meeting it is relevant, whether we pretend it isn’t or not!)

Lots of activities happen Mon to Fri in the daytime, which is hard for some working people. I wish there was more social activities to meet people on the weekend.

Night school here is non existent due to cutbacks.

Hi OP

Just wanted to say I completely understand - I am in my 40s, had 2 briefish relationships (a long time ago) but otherwise been single my whole life. Everyone else I know has a partner and children and this weekend is the most recent in a run of many with no plans, often when I finish work on a Friday I don't speak to anyone else until work on Monday. It's really hard and really lonely.

OP, try grabbing a piece of paper and writing down 10 things you want to do. Walks? Cafes? Type of food? Film? Fitness class? Volunteering? Then start ticking them off. There is nothing to stop you making plans. Sometimes easier to do alone than with a partner. Be open to conversations, but also take a book/magazine.

I'm single, not gormless!

As I said a few posts up, I make plans. I have plenty of plans, but most of them are solo plans.