Eternally single

[Tootsurly]

Just trying to understand why most people seem to find it so easy to form relationships whereas I have long periods of singledom punctuated by brief dysfunctional liaisons with emotionally repressed/retarded men which last a matter of weeks before being plunged into another interminable period of singledom.

It makes me feel I'm not a proper adult and that life is rather pointless.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but please don't suggest I do OLD or speed-dating or joining a walking group because believe me I've tried it all. Also please don't comment to say you've been married for 25 years but if your DP died you'd happily spend the rest of your days on your own.

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

No! 😂That's a strange take.

I was just wondering how OP got along with men generally.

I hear you OP. I'm late 50s and haven't even had a date in over a decade. I'm attractive, well turned out, own my own house and have a good job. But have never had a long term relationship.

I have friends who've married divorced and remarried in the time I've been single. I just don't know how they do it.

I often reflect on this OP.
I'm what you describe as eternally single. I've made peace with it though and I'm happy as I am. I am no longer interested in a relationship with someone (late 40s).
I've had two longer relationships of 3 and 5 years and other than that just a couple of very short term things (max. 6 months) in my early 20s.
The longer relationships were with a cocklodger and an emotionally abusive alcoholic.
I look at friends and family members who all seem to have had either one marriage (and still married) or a serious of long-term relationships following on from each other with very short breaks (if any) of singledom in between. I have school friends who are on their third marriages already.
I just don't know what it is and why I'm the way I am and they aren't. I do wonder though, in my case, if the truth is that I'm just not suited to being in a relationship and that I'm better off on my own and that sub-consciously I've always known it and that's why I've had the relationship history I've had. Certainly I ran a mile in my 20s from anyone who was looking at getting serious.
Then in my 30s I thought I wanted relationships and both were disastrous.

And now I just don't want a relationship but I would quite like a shag from time to time but I still can't even manage to find someone I'm attracted to enough to flirt with let alone shag.

Consider moving to a place where there are a lot of men like mining areas of Canada or Australia.

Love your own self for a change. Wanting to be in a relationship so badly makes you come across as desperate and thus a magnet for all the low life future fakers and other abusive chancers.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by past poor life experiences and choices, are being further got at now by your further poor choices of man.

What did your parents teach you about relationship when you were growing up?
You answered your own question here when you wrote of them, " However my dad is about as emotionally repressed as it's possible to be and my mum is a little as well". We learn about relatoinships first and foremost from our parents, look at what they taught you. Basically a shedload of damaging lessons. You're subconsiously picking male versions of your own father because its familiar and perhaps also safe to you.

You need to unlearn all the crap through therapy. Invest in you first and as I wrote above love your own self for a change. Do also read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood. I would also look at the Baggage Reclaim website.

If we are regularly finding ourselves attracted to emotionally unavailable men it can often be because we are emotionally unavailable ourselves. Even though we want nothing more than a healthy relationship, we manage to pick the wrong people. Also the dating pool will naturally have a disproportionately high number of emotionally unavailable people but that’s not to say those with secure/healthy mindsets are not also available.

I’m eternally single and have done a lot of soul searching and reading on this. Some good penny drop reads for me were Attached by Dr Levine, and Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl.
my fearful/avoidant attachment style stems from childhood emotional neglect.. all of this only realised in the last 5-6 years (I’m 43). My parents have been married 45 years but long marriage does not equal healthy/success and I’ve had a poor relationship modelled growing up. Emotionally unavailable parents, controlling narcissistic mother. It’s deep but it’s all linked!

I haven’t been able to heal myself enough yet to dip my toe back into dating but it has at least provided some answers although it’s been a pretty devastating realisation at the same time.

anyway, something to consider!

well said!

It just happens to some of us. Someone I've known since childhood said he never understood why I never married- as if I'd been relentlessly saying no to queues of suitors. But no one ever asked, and I've mostly been single. I don't know if I'd have said yes if anyone had asked, but it's just never been an option anyway.

I'm in my 50s, and have a couple of FWBs now, thanks to the Internet, but I don't see them that often, and I wouldn't want to have a proper relationship with either of them - I'm fond of them, and they're fun in bed, but they would both drive me insane to be with longer than a weekend.

I'm better off than friends whose marriages were a literal risk to their lives,and I'm pretty good at being by myself, I've got a good lot of friends. But it's still puzzling. I think I'd have been a fairly good catch.

I think maybe trying to create as many opportunities as possible to meet new people may increase chances?
I know that you don't want to do OLD (and that's fair enough) but that is one place where people are actively seeking relationships...
I gather (from my daughter) that there are many men with red flags OLD but there are also some genuine, nice men. My daughter finally met a lovely guy OLD and she has been dating him for 2 years now - they plan on moving in together next year.
Otherwise, I won't suggest a walking club, but maybe join other clubs that interest you - Meet people with similar interests?

🌸🌸🌸

Are you me?
I've never had a relationship longer than a year, my parents were married for 50 years and I'm relentlessly single
My absolutely not list isn't that long but I won't tolerate shitty behaviour. The last guy I found out wasn't actually single, the one before that I ditched because it turned out he drank heavily every night

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

I could have written this. It is so hard OP.

Haven’t even had a situationship last longer than 3 months at a time let alone a relationship.

I agree with pp who said a lot of people aren’t single simply because they put up with bad relationships and I was just thinking this earlier as I pondered over the fact I’ve been single for 95% of my life. But that said it’s still disappointing that my choices have mainly been horribly unsuitable men - (cheaters, unemployed/barely employed smooth talking liars , extremely abusive men, men deeply in love with their ex etc ) or being single. Not much of a choice then really?

Yes I’m glad I didn’t go with the former options and chose to be single over that, but I sure wish I’d had some better options.

My background - my mum raised me and was very angry my whole childhood about my Dad who was a deadbeat who lived in another country . I was terrified of being that stereotypical girl with “daddy issues” (hate that phrase!) who is perceived as “needy” or clingy etc so I’ve probably been a bit guarded with men which has been a good thing considering the ones I’ve attracted.

I did meet one fairly decent guy in my mid-20s , I was attracted to him. I felt he was handsome, had a good job, was not a cheat , had an amazing voice and liked the same type of old school music I did, took me out on dates etc - but after 3 months I asked him where we were going and if we were exclusive. And he said he wasn’t sure about me.

I was all in with him and I could see he was never going to be like that with me. I just ended things there and then, and I could see he was glad. Didn’t speak to him for a whole year as I was so hurt and embarrassed but we spoke again and used to hang out occasionally as platonic friends. We are still kind of friends now almost 13 years later, but live far apart and our “friendship” mainly consists of sharing an occasional meme a couple of times year!

Looking back I now see he was a bit emotionally unavailable. He went on to marry someone in his early 30s and divorced after a 3 years. He didn’t share why.

I think he has a kid now from someone else but not sure. I don’t ask him much or share much about my own life. Tbh a bit of me resents that we still talk. I’ve tried to block and cut him off so many times but he turns up again. So I guess I’m low contact with him as I didn’t have the heart to remain no contact. I get the impression he likes the fact that I liked him so much, which is why he wants to have me in his life. And he maybe feels a bit guilty or sorry for me.

About 5 years ago when we still did used to talk a lot, I did try to casually ask him why he never saw me as anything else beyond FWB in our 20s, but he kinda dodged the answer which is fair enough.

I’d have loved to know though because I feel - although I know logically it’s probably not true as you get awful men and women who have good partners anyway - there’s something bad about me that repels decent men from sticking around. I’d just like to hear it from one guy why I wasn’t good enough.

I have many close friends who met their partners in 20s and early to late 30s. I’m now late 30s. Most are happily married to lovely guys. I do find it somewhat healing when I see how lovely their marriages are. I didn’t see happy marriages in my dysfunctional family, but I’m seeing it in my friendship circle and for that I’m grateful. But of course I still want it for myself too and I’m sad that’s not happened so far.

@Tootsurly I'd echo the poster who mentioned Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Great book. It's a combination of reasons I'd feel, maybe you have very good standards and don't want less, combined with a lot of dross out there/men who haven't done the work on themselves and as such have a lot of baggage. Or perhaps you write off potentials early on because they don't fit the mould you want? Or perhaps deep down you are emotionally unavailable and pick the same in men.

I’d just like to hear it from one guy why I wasn’t good enough.

You won't hear it, though. You'll probably get some version of "it's not you, it's me," or "it just wasn't the right time." In my 30s, I had a fair few married men (mostly colleagues) tell me versions of, "if I weren't married..." but they were, so they couldn't put their money where their mouth was, and no doubt if they hadn't been married, there would have been something else.

I might still get the "are you married, do you have kids?" questions in my 50s, but it's no longer followed by, "well, I'm sure you'll find someone," comments or variations.

You meet someone and they make your life better and you make their life better.

You don't get hung up on them

You are interesting and interested in life, arr, science, nature whatever

You don't sweat the small stuff

You drop things when they really need you, and they do it for you

You don't allow an imbalance but are prepared to give what you expect

Honestly, feeling pissed off tell them, think they are just even more sexy right now tell them

Have no hang ups

Never judge a new relationship by past ones they are different people

Know when to walk away

You literally have to put yourself out there. Dismissing meet up groups etc is silly.

You need to be amongst people to connect with people. Make new friends rather than go man-hunting. It is usually through friends of friends that you meet someone and in order for that to happen you need to be meeting new people

Nightclasses?

Yeah it was a pointless question really, I was just grasping at straws as he was the only decent guy I’d been with so I valued his opinion somewhat. I was never going to get a ten point presentation on why he didn’t like me that much 😅

“ if I weren’t married”

Ugh yeah you’re right - comments like that are probably well- intentioned but come across as patronising and meaningless. It’s easy for them to say that while they’re married! Tbh I don’t think I’d like any of my married male acquaintances or friends saying that.

We can tie ourselves up in knots but I think the answer is usually very simply they didn’t like us enough in that way and/or we just didn’t match what they were looking for in a wife in some way . Nothing more nothing less.

I saw the way my ex spoke so adoringly about at least two of his subsequent partners, including one he was engaged to briefly before the one he married - the ex-fiancé actually cheated on him and so did the girlfriend he had at uni before me. I get the impression he goes for women with more of an edge for want of a better word.

So the logical part of my mind tells me it’s not always a “bad” thing when you don’t match what someone is looking for.

Doesn’t make it suck any less though. I still have hope that one day the right man will love and like me enough.

Is this your advice on how to meet someone? "Meet someone..."?

Fucking hell.

How do your breakups happen?

What is the pattern? Same for how/where you've met people in the past?

Could it actually be that you have a very low bullshit tolerance which is not in fact a bad thing- but can take some breaking through.

Just look through Mumsnet to see what fucking awful lives some people put up with just to be "in a relationship"

And I’d just like to add while some of it is probably people with secure attachments that seen happy marriages growing up blah blah finding each other …you get a lot of people like that who are single too! And you get a lot of people who don’t fit that list who are married.

I think we need to accept that sometimes it’s beyond our control.

I have a friend who dated aggressively via apps in her late 20s onwards and she’s now 40. She also has a lot of interests, and socialised a lot with friends all through her 20s and 30s . She did put herself out there in various ways . She even lowered her standards sometimes and the most she’s got from all that is a year long relationship. She did all the things that people on here advise women to do and she’s still single.

I think people want an easy “fix” to singleness so it’s tempting to “blame” people so we can believe that they can “sort it out”, but really it’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

It's hard OP, but if you really want to meet someone it does mean having a thick skin and doing on line dating ( with strict filtering in place) and /or join groups or clubs where there are men. Other than that l think it's just luck and chance.
People can indeed meet later in life, l know several who have met in their 40's and 50's and gone on to marry, but agree most have been married before.

I’m 34 I’ve been single 6 years bar a disastrous year long situationship with a guy 22 years older that me which ended in the summer 😅

I don’t have any issue getting dates, people say I’m attractive etc BUT a lot of the single guys around, and especially ones on dating apps have…shall we say, issues. I can’t be bothered filtering out the sex pests and weirdos on the off chance I’ll encounter a decent one - I do think this happening is down to luck more than anything tbh.

So whilst I do feel a bit sad to acknowledge that maybe it won’t happen, I’m not overly sad because it’s infinitely better than being with the wrong person.

People who are constantly dating and in and out of short term relationships are likely not comfortable in their own company, hence they always need romantic interest in their life.

I'm not dismissing meet-up groups, I said I don't need people to tell me to join them because I've already done hundreds of them. And I'm literally taking two different evening classes this term.

I did meet someone once through an evening class. It lasted about four months before he started expressing doubts, then limped on for about another three while my mental health went down the toilet because of the uncertainty of it all (yes, I know I should have just ended it).

Well sort of
If you do meet someone you are attracted to and have fun with.

Then just go with the flow and don't get hung up on things.

Whilst there are many substandard men, there are also many women who can make relationships unattractive as well.

Some relationships come and go. Some stick. Some stick a bit longer.

People always suggest meet up groups and nightclasses/hobbies etc.
I've done so many things over the years and have played music regularly in various groups for decades.
I've never met any one suitable at any of them. Yes, you get to meet lots of people and yes, it's fun and yes, friendships develop with all kinds of people BUT very few of the men there are a) available b) straight c) looking to meet a partner at the group - the vast majority of them are there to do their hobby/learn something new/have a nice chat with new people and then go home.