Eternally single

[Tootsurly]

Just trying to understand why most people seem to find it so easy to form relationships whereas I have long periods of singledom punctuated by brief dysfunctional liaisons with emotionally repressed/retarded men which last a matter of weeks before being plunged into another interminable period of singledom.

It makes me feel I'm not a proper adult and that life is rather pointless.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but please don't suggest I do OLD or speed-dating or joining a walking group because believe me I've tried it all. Also please don't comment to say you've been married for 25 years but if your DP died you'd happily spend the rest of your days on your own.

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

It really feels like people aren't understanding the point the OP is making. I can make plans and do but having to do everything on your own is soul destroying and after years of it just leaves you feeling lonely and empty.

I think people generally are crap at understanding things they haven't experienced.

Some of the replies are on the odd side.

The thing is, it is very unusual to be in this position, so very few people will get it. They will say they get it, but they don't. It's very difficult to fully grasp having never ever had a relationship, never ever been "chosen" by someone, never been desired by someone, never been able to say "my boyfriend this or that...", in short, watching from the sidelines while everyone else is at some party you're not invited to.

I eye roll so hard when people say "oh but do stuff while you're single! find joy in it! Be freeeeee, go travelling on your own, go to the cinema on your own, do new hobbies ya de yah de yah."

People like us are very good at those things, so good at them in fact they're not even "things" - it's just what we do. We go about our whole lives alone, and un-partnered, if we didn't we wouldn't go about any life at all! Feeling weird about eating alone in a restaurant is not a problem we have.

The point is, after 17 odd years of happily doing all the single-y stuff people love to patronisingly tell you to enjoy, you do start to wonder when will it be my turn? Do I even get a turn? I've been happily doing single-y things for 17 years... isn't 17 years long enough?? How much longer do I have to be happily single for....?

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits you explained it perfectly.

Not sure why you're being so stand-offish to people making suggestions. What's the point in this thread, just a place for you to moan and have a sulk, or do you actually want people's advice?

The point of the thread? Sometimes it's nice to just feel heard and seen. Especially by people in the same boat as you.

After all, it does get awfully lonely.

Not half as soul destroying as it would be to know that being single had stopped me doing things. I may sound unsympathetic, but I've been single pretty much forever, never lived with anyone (save shared houses in my 20s,) and if I hadn't got on with things and done them for myself, I'd probably be dead. As it is, I'm in my 50s, still seeing new things and learning stuff. By myself, usually. No one else cares, so you have to do stuff yourself, like it or not.

I am long-term single (since 2012, after spending most of my life in relationships - good and bad), but rarely have a weekend without seeing friends, unless I choose to. I have people who spend quiet nights in with me, and who would have me for Christmas if I wanted (I don't - I plan to be alone).

Thus what jumped out to me is that you are speaking of a life and loneliness that seems to include no close friends or family. So I wonder, OP, if you are less emotionally available than you think?

Perhaps there's a simple explanation for your isolation, like you're recently many hundreds of miles from your close friendship group or something. But I suspect it is much more complex, and something to unpick with a therapist. Not a CBT one or an NHS counsellor or psychiatrist. I think someone who specialises in inner child work, or even 'traditional' psychoanalysis may really help you.

With two emotionally repressed parents, it would be pretty much a miracle if you were not affected in some way. We often somehow recreate the dynamic we saw as children, even whilst trying not to.

And of course, I apologise in advance if none of this applies.

So what if I do just want a moan and a sulk? No-one is obliged to post on the thread, or even to read it.

The reason I'm being "stand-offish", as you put it, is that people keep coming along and saying, "oh, make plans, do lots of nice things...!" which is rather missing the point.

Within the last few days I have:
Booked a trip to Italy
Booked a trip to Morocco
Booked a trip to see family
Been to the cinema
Taken myself out for lunch
Taken myself out for tea and cake
Bought an item for a new hobby (for which I'm attending an evening class)
Been to an evening class for a different hobby
Been to a book launch
Booked a concert for next week
Organised to meet my cousin for lunch
Organised to meet a friend for lunch

So I'm not sitting at home crying into my pillow, but all of those things, other than the last two and the family visit, I will be doing, or have done, on my own.

Exactly! And it's not even as if you can't still do things on your own if you have a partner (granted less so if you also have young children). It's just that you also have the option not to.

Completely agree with the "when is it my turn?" feeling. I've had that my entire life with almost everything and it's really getting old.

I have both friends and family, but most of my family is a long way away and most of my friends have their own family or at least a partner.

I have done a decade of psychodynamic psychotherapy with an experienced therapist and it basically made no difference to this situation - the quality of my relationships did not improve as a result. of therapy. If anything, they got worse.

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits agree with everything you've said. I'm late 50s now and it's never been my turn. I guess for some of us it never will be 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do everything on my own. The only time it really gets to me is NY eve. No one has ever said HNY to me first. Just once I'd love to know what it feels like for someone to say HNY to me before anyone else.

My dating history was shite. Met a "man" online when i was 18, got catfished, groomed, then severely emotionally, financially, and (mentally) sexually abused for near 3 years, incluing the days my mum was diagnosed with cancer that was already terminal, her decline, and the day she died. It was thankfully online/long distance only due to crippling MH issues my end, but he tried to manipulate me to move to the other end of the country to him, whre i would have been systematically sexually assaulted and raped repeatedly.
After him i met another man, again online long distance due to my health issues. He was great for a few months, then became really financially and emotionally abusive also, witholding all emotional affection. Broke up with me after 3 years due to his supposed depression, and dangled the carrot for another 3 of maybe getting back together when his MH was better, whilst still financially draining me the whole time, despite me being on disability and a pittance and him working full time and living rent free.
After him was a really long distance guy in America, again massively emotionally and also financially abusive.

That took me up to late 29, and left me with severe PTSD. Relationships really aren't everything, i'd have been way better off mentally, emotionally and financially staying single all those years.

Don't let your displeasure being alone make you vulnerable to be abused, the wrong type will pray on your desparation.

Good friends, a loyal pet and a few sex toys would honestly give you most of what you're looking for.

I'm 55. I've had two 4 year relationships, which in truth I should have ended within the first 12 months! (I was just desperately trying to make them work). All the rest have been less than 12 months.

I was trying to remember the last time I was actually "chatted up" and I think it was somewhere around 1995! 😂

I've also done everything you can think of to meet someone. The problem I've found with groups, classes etc is that most men are there for the hobby. They haven't gone there to meet someone. So they're either already in a relationship, not looking or they're just not in the right age group.

OLD is pretty rubbish for the most part. I did it for about 20 years on and off.

At work the men I've got on with were either partnered up, gay, too young/old. There was one I liked but he wasn't interested in me.

Where else do you look? I gave up around 8 years ago. I figured if it hadn't happened for me by then it was never going to. I don't even want to date now. I can't be assed with the effort, the small talk, trying to figure out if I can trust them etc.

I think the biggest factor is luck and if it's not on your side, there's really not much you can do about it. People can give well meaning advice but you either get lucky or you don't.

You definitely have a right to just 'moan' as you said on here. It is hard.

There might be some need to accept that there are just fewer decent men around as you get older. You may meet one if you get lucky, but it doesn't mean you are doing anything actively wrong.

The more important thing is what gives you joy now while you accept your current situation? Clearly you have an active life of travelling and hobbies (which many would envy) but if it isn't bringing you fulfilment, what will?

I know one eternally single friend who started a business helping others, one who adopted a child. I am not suggesting do these or that it will replace a relationship, but if you can't have what you want now, what will bring you contentment?

In the meantime, you might meet someone great but you might not. At least you will be doing something that fills what seems to be an empty gap in your life.

Many women fail to realise how important looks are to men—far more important than they are to women. Insult me if you like, but that’s the truth.
So, whenever I hear someone say, 'All my friends tell me I’m pretty, I look young, etc.,' I can't help but think: how often do we really tell our loved ones that they look terrible when they actually do? I'm not saying this is the case for the OP, but I want to bring this up because it’s often neglected: looks matter.
This includes weight, style of dressing, hairstyle, makeup, and many other factors. It’s unfair, and genetics play a significant role, but unfortunately, that’s just the way it is.

It’s just luck OP I was in my late teens and early 20s in the late 90s to early 2000s so before the ravages of online dating and apps. I dated or had entanglements with about 12 guys before I met my husband. Maybe about two of those guys were not awful and unsuitable relationship material they just weren’t quite ready yet or right for me but went on to be good partners to other women in short order.

The rest were awful in one way or another abusive, unstable, addiction issues, leeches, cheaters, avoidant and to the best of my knowledge none of these men have ever had successful long term relationships although some of them have had children with women they abandoned.

So out of 13 men total 3 were relationship guys i.e. guys with relationship skills or at least willing to cultivate them who wanted to be in a relationship. Those aren’t heartening numbers. In my opinion there are far fewer relationship worthy men than women out there and it’s just really a matter of luck if you meet one before they all get snapped up.

I had to get ruthless in the end with men but honestly if my first serious boyfriend hadn’t dumped me I would probably out of loyalty have let him string me along for years before wising up and getting rid of him. He really did me a favour as he expedited that maturing process and I was then free to meet my now husband (28 years together).

It’s really just luck, and perhaps a willingness to settle down earlier in life as the real relationship guys are fewer in number and tend to get paired up early and stay paired up. I hate saying this because I do think there are a ton of benefits to staying single through your twenties for women i.e. self development, career, education, travel, different relationships and finding out what you really want out of life and relationships but when you do that your left largely with the pool of those other 10 guys who were not really suitable partner material. Meeting a good man at this point is still possible but much harder and there just aren’t enough to go round.

@GoldCat255 While I’m not saying your wrong it’s also true that plenty of homely looking women are married and have good partwho love them and many very attractive women can struggle to find a good relationship. In fact the two women I know who are still single in their 40s are two of the best looking women I knew. They still look good now but were very beautiful in their younger years with loads of guys after them. Perhaps the unfortunate thing is that such beauty meant they had so many offers and admirers that they kept keeping their options open or going after the men who were so handsome they could endlessly play the field and so weren’t committing to them. Eventually the men who really wanted to be in long term relationships committed to other less beautiful women and they were left with the men who didn’t want to commit or were chasing younger women.

One who happens to be my SIL is currently dating a younger guy who if I’m honest she wouldn’t have looked at even a couple of years ago but things seem to be going well.

What I’m saying is that there are pitfalls for all women and being beautiful doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

Hello @Skipprawn .
Absolutely, you raise very valid points. When you stand out because of your looks, it can backfire by attracting too much attention.

Back in my 20s, I used to be really jealous of some of my friends because they would always get attention in bars, and I really wanted to be in that position too. However, now I realise that being in that situation requires a very mature and sound mind. When you're young, that ‘power’, for want of a better word, can be difficult to manage.

That said, I don’t think this is the issue we’re discussing in this thread. I see many previous posters talking about not getting any attention at all, or only from douchebags, and as brutal as it sounds, I can’t help but think that looks play an important role. Not the most important, not the only one, but definitely a significant factor.

For me, I'm 46 and have been single for a lot of my adult life although I was in a 4 yr relationship (which was abusive) and I was with my exH for 6yrs too. I

The debate on lowering your standards is an interesting one, there are so many things you could class as "lowering your standards" which are actually applicable to a lot of people. I've been seeing my boyfriend since the start of summer and whilst it's me who earns more money and has my own house, he does a job he loves, has a nice flat from the HA (his daughter lives with him full time) and is generally very sensible with money.
But more importantly he's emotionally available, one example is that it's been a tough two weeks as my childhood best friends husband has been moved in to a hospice for palliative care, bf has been there for me right the way through, given me hugs when needed, listened to me etc and not just about this about other things too. I guess the sad thing is that I most probably wouldn't of been looking for these things before and may of been more wrapped up in careers, money etc... before I met him. It doesn't feel like I have dropped my standards at all, probably raised them after neither of my exes did talking or feeling.

I've been single for just over a year and dated a lot. In that time I haven't met a man / had any interest from a man that is even remotely boyfriend material.

It's all fuckboys or damaged emotional-vacuum types out there, sadly.

I think by my age (30s) the good men are all taken, and what's left is mostly dog shit.

If you see a pattern in the men you choose, do you need to break this? The man I’m now married to is a completely different type, personality etc than failed relationships previously. I also only got married at 40 having met at 38.

I would agree that if something isn't working for you, then you need to break the cycle but people will then say its lowering standards. My boyfriend is also a completely different person to what I thought would work for me.

GoldCat255, I'm not sure how true that it is. I'm sure you must have noticed if you look around you (as I do) how plain and/or ordinary or very little pretty a lot of married women are. I've long studied other women (in the 'what has she got that I don't' train of thought) and many married or in relationship women are quite ordinary. Which is a good thing as then many women wouldn't get anyone!

What makes me want to cry and cry and cry is having had to see my parents watch me go though my adolescence, my child-bearing years with no partner. I would have done anything to make them (and myself) happy, but nothing worked out.