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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

11 Year old son and Hostile living environment

156 replies

Allisnitlost81 · 02/10/2024 14:29

Hi all,

This is my first post but really need some advice. My son has suspected autism, I think probably ADHD too, he’s been in the waiting list for 18 months now. His behaviour is not too bad at home, apart from the discipline element with my partner. At school, things are getting progressively worse. He started high school last month and is already on a report card for being late to classes. These are things I feel I don’t have much control over from home, I have a meeting with the school though as Cahms suggested I apply for an EHA.

The issues arising are also at home, I have my way, which I find effective if I’m ever able to go with it, I talk to him, explain why I’m disciplining him for bad behaviour and remove devices. The most I ever discipline him for is swearing now and again. He has ticks and shouts and blurts things out, I don’t think he can help this. But my partner currently isn’t speaking to me and slept on the sofa lastnight, ignored me all of today for backing my son up ‘again’. I do feel very protective of him, maybe my methods are too softly softly, I know my partner definitely thinks so and he thinks this is the problem.

I really don’t, I find a calm approach works, when my son is shouted at he gets very reactive and can go into a full on meltdown, slamming doors etc and hysterical tears. My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown. Partner was yelling going ‘oh you’re here jumping to his defence once again’. I asked him to please stop shouting which he didn’t. I’m just honestly so tired of this, it’s a regular occurrence.

I feel protective of my son, coming from an abusive childhood myself I can’t stand the shouting etc and tough love thing. He’s been through so much with tummy issues and an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to put this right. My son tried to say sorry and my partner threw it back in his face and said he only said sorry as he wants his phone back. Son said yeah that’s true as he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.

I honestly don’t know how to fix any of this, I have no control over what happens at school but the at home environment isn’t helping at all. I want to have a united front with my partner but how can I when I don’t agree with how he disciplines?
Has anyone been through this, I need to give my son the support he needs and also fix this relationship so everyone’s happy if anyone has any advice, however harsh it might be…it’s hard to see properly whilst in the midst of it. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Allisnitlost81 · 02/10/2024 22:13

Sorry I haven’t replied to everyone, I’ve read everything and taken it on board.

The truth is a year ago when things started getting worse I tried to get myself out of here. I tried to get on the council list but because I’m adequately housed they won’t put me on for a house. I’d need 2.5 k for private renting, only have my dad and brother, my dad has room but told me I couldn’t stay there, his wife is retired and I work at home full time so I guess it would be too much and he doesn’t want the hassle, plus he lives hours away. My brother blocked me when I tried to ask him for advice, I think he thought he was taking on my problems. I have some friends who are joint friends and listened to me but never gave any advice, kind of sat on the fence, so I just don’t know what to do. Needed some clarity so thanks because I know deep down this isn’t right, I kind of feel powerless to do anything until I can save up enough. I need to just give my son all the support I can til I can go.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:16

Talk to your local housing authority x

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:20

@Allisnitlost81 I'm sorry that your support network is so limited OP. There are still options outside of family. Will you contact Women's Aid and ask their advice? There may be other women's groups or options in your area that maybe you're not aware of?

You really do need to leave, this is so damaging for your son, and for you. I'm sorry for being a bit of a shit earlier with the despicable comment, but I think you're really in a bit of denial, probably because of your own lived experiences, and don't realise how awful it is that your 'partner' is treating your son like this.

You have options, and you can salvage your son's childhood. If you wanted to share a rough area, we could maybe help direct towards suitable resources?

Original poster
Allisnitlost81 · 02/10/2024 22:21

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:16

Talk to your local housing authority x

Do you think they would be able to help, I don’t want to move from the area?

OP posts:
MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:22

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:16

Talk to your local housing authority x

This... tell them you are not adequately housed because you are living with an abusive man.

Original poster
Allisnitlost81 · 02/10/2024 22:27

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:20

@Allisnitlost81 I'm sorry that your support network is so limited OP. There are still options outside of family. Will you contact Women's Aid and ask their advice? There may be other women's groups or options in your area that maybe you're not aware of?

You really do need to leave, this is so damaging for your son, and for you. I'm sorry for being a bit of a shit earlier with the despicable comment, but I think you're really in a bit of denial, probably because of your own lived experiences, and don't realise how awful it is that your 'partner' is treating your son like this.

You have options, and you can salvage your son's childhood. If you wanted to share a rough area, we could maybe help direct towards suitable resources?

Yes I’ll contact them tomorrow, thank you.

Maybe slight denial, but also a coping mechanism because I have tried so hard to leave but haven’t been able to get anywhere. So I then have to convince myself it isn’t too bad to get on with work and being a mum as I have no options. It’s so hard.

Yeah I shouldn’t call him a partner because he isn’t. We aren’t engaged anymore I told him I’d never marry him weeks ago so I know he knows I’ve had enough.

I’m in the west midland area x

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:29

You are a risk of homelessness because of the abuse. For instance if you have to leave to go to a hostel to keep your DC safe. They will register you and you will be able to bid on appropriate housing. Usually in the same location as school for DC.

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:30

What's your rough income like and what is the private rental situation in your area? Are there many affordable places available? I've moved into far from perfect houses and made them homes so look at them with an open mind as well

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:31

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:29

You are a risk of homelessness because of the abuse. For instance if you have to leave to go to a hostel to keep your DC safe. They will register you and you will be able to bid on appropriate housing. Usually in the same location as school for DC.

Does OP need to register her complaint of abuse with anyone for this to be considered in her application?

When OP contacts Women's Aid, can this be included in her application does anyone know?

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:36

I am not sure it is necessary as such. But usually if you are in this position you would be seeking all available help. The HA may ask why this has not been done. Best to talk to GP, DA support providers, school and police (if there is any risk).

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:37

Sorry, I have loads of questions and you can absolutely choose not to answer them, but I'd love if someone here could help you a little

Does your DS have contact with his Dad? I didn't see in your posts. Just in case you needed to have him stay somewhere for a little bit. Maybe another family member?

You mention children in one post... do you have more than 1 child?

You said you tried to leave before. What have you tried so we're not recommending the same thing.

Are you in receipt of any benefits? This will affect housing claim.

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 22:42

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 22:36

I am not sure it is necessary as such. But usually if you are in this position you would be seeking all available help. The HA may ask why this has not been done. Best to talk to GP, DA support providers, school and police (if there is any risk).

Yes, I definitely think if OP can report her circumstances, even discreetly, to all services appropriate to her in her situation, this should surely help with her housing application.

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 22:51

There’s no wrong or right here. You both just have a different way of parenting. His is a more regimented strict approach, whilst yours is (very) laid back. For this reason the relationship is never going to work as you’re going to clash constantly. Only time will tell if the way you approach things is more effective long term. Going forward you need to separate, and when looking for your next partner, you need to make sure his parenting views align with your own.

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 23:06

My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown.

This is not a different parenting style. Be very clear this parent is singling out a child that is not his own. He is abusive and is using bullying, intimidation and fear. You have got a very weird take on parenting @Livelovebehappy

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 23:18

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 23:06

My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown.

This is not a different parenting style. Be very clear this parent is singling out a child that is not his own. He is abusive and is using bullying, intimidation and fear. You have got a very weird take on parenting @Livelovebehappy

I don’t see OPs son being either intimidated or fearful. He was answering OPs partner back in a confrontational way, which suggests there is no fear there. The partner was reacting to this, I admit not in a mature way, but I still see it as different parenting approaches.

DivorcingMomma · 02/10/2024 23:27

The calm conversation discipline is the best way. Shouting gets you no where. Just gone through this with my now 16 year old. Hes also on waiting list for camhs. Hes at college now learning a trade, really enjoying it. Hated school. No end of issues. School did offer a placement at a learning hub so he got have a go at stuff in a more relaxed setting. Loved it and he was a changed child. Adhd needs lots of exercise. Get rid of partner. Your kids always always come first x

StormingNorman · 02/10/2024 23:33

Knew this was a step parent one from the title.

Your partner is a dick. You need to protect your son from him.

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 23:54

@Livelovebehappy so just because a child is not outwardly showing signs of terror or fear, and god forbid maybe even saying things to defend himself in his home, it's completely okay for a grown man to shout in his face, snatch things off of him, try his best to intimidate and exert control over him?

Right then...

Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/10/2024 23:58

Allisnitlost81 · 02/10/2024 22:27

Yes I’ll contact them tomorrow, thank you.

Maybe slight denial, but also a coping mechanism because I have tried so hard to leave but haven’t been able to get anywhere. So I then have to convince myself it isn’t too bad to get on with work and being a mum as I have no options. It’s so hard.

Yeah I shouldn’t call him a partner because he isn’t. We aren’t engaged anymore I told him I’d never marry him weeks ago so I know he knows I’ve had enough.

I’m in the west midland area x

Show quote history

Try Anawin for support/advice - https://anawim.co.uk/

Anawim - Birmingham's Centre for Women

A women's centre providing trauma-informed alternatives to custody and advocacy for women experiencing abuse, poor mental health and economic inequality.

https://anawim.co.uk

GiantPigeon · 03/10/2024 02:17

I do sit on the firmer side of parenting and don't think softly gets good results, from my experience I feel people who go softly seem to have the kids with most problems. Kids need firm boundaries and consequences.

School have gave him in to trouble and you let him do as he wants playing football under pretense of exercise doing him good. In my opinion it'd be a punishment that would do good, how is he learning a lesson, where is his motivation from you to avoid repeating his error? Do you want to deal with this every week?

We're not meant to be their friends, we're here to teach lessons and prepare for the future. Slamming doors, that should have been nipped in the bud long ago. I'd come down like a ton of bricks at such disrespect. Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way?

You shouldn't be afraid to give appropriate punishments because your worried he will go off on one at you. He's 11 ,what you gonna do when he's a hulking 16 year old? You're the parent here, short term pain (loss of privileges and restorative learning which can even be a letter to you to show he understands where he's went wrong) for long term gain.

You say you have abusive background and this could be playing a part, you should have high respect for yourself. Teach him what's right, wrong. How you should and should not be treated. Your letting him get away with massive disrespect to you. What kind of husband will he be when you let him treat you and your home like this. I'd certainly not want him as a son in law if that's how he is learning how to treat women already.

You need to take control of this situation so he doesn't feel out of control. Firm, strong, direct - you've failed at standards I expect, these are punishments.

Outburst - you raise your voice - further punishments. Be strong, I'd be prepared to escalate punishments longer. Loss of further privileges and further restorative tasks (i.e.household jobs/gardening tasks for you or elderly neighbour, even here's a bag go and pick up all the leaves and think about how you're treating me, your mother). But that's just all my opinion.

I don't like the sound of your partner and don't think it's his place to be parenting/punishing let alone shouting. He shouldn't be punishing you by emotionally cutting you off like sleeping on couch, again why are you accepting this treatment from another male - you have 2 males in your house who are disrespecting you and you are letting it happen, not standing up for yourself or enforcing how you expect to be treated.

But it doesn't sound good for you or your son, as the parenting should be coming from you.

But maybe partner feels he needs to do something as it doesn't sound your covering all bases parenting (i.e. Trouble at school, yeah go out with your friends and have fun, I'm not punishing you because I'm afraid you will get angry at me and I don't like to deal with that part of parenting).

Find some strength, draw boundaries on how you deserve to be treated and standards you expect/deserve from both males here and then enforce those boundaries. Be strong.

Livelovebehappy · 03/10/2024 10:13

MyHouseIsABusStop · 02/10/2024 23:54

@Livelovebehappy so just because a child is not outwardly showing signs of terror or fear, and god forbid maybe even saying things to defend himself in his home, it's completely okay for a grown man to shout in his face, snatch things off of him, try his best to intimidate and exert control over him?

Right then...

If an 11 Yr old was frightened, they would certainly not be 'cheeky' and confrontational. The parenting by the mother here is not teaching her child boundaries, or showing him there are consequences to bad behaviour, resulting in the really poor behaviour we are seeing on our streets with children who have never had poor behaviour addressed in the home. Ive already said ops partner hasn't behaved with maturity here, but i can see how frustrating it would be for someone living alongside this lack of proper parenting.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:15

Livelovebehappy · 03/10/2024 10:13

If an 11 Yr old was frightened, they would certainly not be 'cheeky' and confrontational. The parenting by the mother here is not teaching her child boundaries, or showing him there are consequences to bad behaviour, resulting in the really poor behaviour we are seeing on our streets with children who have never had poor behaviour addressed in the home. Ive already said ops partner hasn't behaved with maturity here, but i can see how frustrating it would be for someone living alongside this lack of proper parenting.

Show quote history

I take it you’ve forgotten that there’s an AS option that will show past threads that posters have started. About their own children and difficulties parenting them?

Livelovebehappy · 03/10/2024 10:24

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:15

I take it you’ve forgotten that there’s an AS option that will show past threads that posters have started. About their own children and difficulties parenting them?

Show quote history

Not at all. Parenting is a mine field. But there's an obvious red flag on this post with op admitting her son had mis behaved, but that she allowed him to go and play our anyway. To me, that's an obvious issue that shows he knows he can behave how he he wants with no consequences. If you think that that's no big deal, and children should not face consequences for continual poor behaviour, then you're totally entitled to that opinion. As I am to mine.....

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:27

I think the Op’s parenting is utterly secondary to fact she needs to get her boy out from this abusive home and anything else at this point is a distraction

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:30

I'm very protective of him, and i just can't bring myself to go in too hard with him, but DH thinks I am too soft and we need to set clear rules as he is an adult, and that he needs to agree to live by our rules, or leave.

ring a bell? and this was about a 19 year old not an 11 year old