Hi all,
This is my first post but really need some advice. My son has suspected autism, I think probably ADHD too, he’s been in the waiting list for 18 months now. His behaviour is not too bad at home, apart from the discipline element with my partner. At school, things are getting progressively worse. He started high school last month and is already on a report card for being late to classes. These are things I feel I don’t have much control over from home, I have a meeting with the school though as Cahms suggested I apply for an EHA.
The issues arising are also at home, I have my way, which I find effective if I’m ever able to go with it, I talk to him, explain why I’m disciplining him for bad behaviour and remove devices. The most I ever discipline him for is swearing now and again. He has ticks and shouts and blurts things out, I don’t think he can help this. But my partner currently isn’t speaking to me and slept on the sofa lastnight, ignored me all of today for backing my son up ‘again’. I do feel very protective of him, maybe my methods are too softly softly, I know my partner definitely thinks so and he thinks this is the problem.
I really don’t, I find a calm approach works, when my son is shouted at he gets very reactive and can go into a full on meltdown, slamming doors etc and hysterical tears. My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown. Partner was yelling going ‘oh you’re here jumping to his defence once again’. I asked him to please stop shouting which he didn’t. I’m just honestly so tired of this, it’s a regular occurrence.
I feel protective of my son, coming from an abusive childhood myself I can’t stand the shouting etc and tough love thing. He’s been through so much with tummy issues and an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to put this right. My son tried to say sorry and my partner threw it back in his face and said he only said sorry as he wants his phone back. Son said yeah that’s true as he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.
I honestly don’t know how to fix any of this, I have no control over what happens at school but the at home environment isn’t helping at all. I want to have a united front with my partner but how can I when I don’t agree with how he disciplines?
Has anyone been through this, I need to give my son the support he needs and also fix this relationship so everyone’s happy if anyone has any advice, however harsh it might be…it’s hard to see properly whilst in the midst of it. X