11 Year old son and Hostile living environment

[Allisnitlost81]

Hi all,

This is my first post but really need some advice. My son has suspected autism, I think probably ADHD too, he’s been in the waiting list for 18 months now. His behaviour is not too bad at home, apart from the discipline element with my partner. At school, things are getting progressively worse. He started high school last month and is already on a report card for being late to classes. These are things I feel I don’t have much control over from home, I have a meeting with the school though as Cahms suggested I apply for an EHA.

The issues arising are also at home, I have my way, which I find effective if I’m ever able to go with it, I talk to him, explain why I’m disciplining him for bad behaviour and remove devices. The most I ever discipline him for is swearing now and again. He has ticks and shouts and blurts things out, I don’t think he can help this. But my partner currently isn’t speaking to me and slept on the sofa lastnight, ignored me all of today for backing my son up ‘again’. I do feel very protective of him, maybe my methods are too softly softly, I know my partner definitely thinks so and he thinks this is the problem.

I really don’t, I find a calm approach works, when my son is shouted at he gets very reactive and can go into a full on meltdown, slamming doors etc and hysterical tears. My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown. Partner was yelling going ‘oh you’re here jumping to his defence once again’. I asked him to please stop shouting which he didn’t. I’m just honestly so tired of this, it’s a regular occurrence.

I feel protective of my son, coming from an abusive childhood myself I can’t stand the shouting etc and tough love thing. He’s been through so much with tummy issues and an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to put this right. My son tried to say sorry and my partner threw it back in his face and said he only said sorry as he wants his phone back. Son said yeah that’s true as he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.

I honestly don’t know how to fix any of this, I have no control over what happens at school but the at home environment isn’t helping at all. I want to have a united front with my partner but how can I when I don’t agree with how he disciplines?
Has anyone been through this, I need to give my son the support he needs and also fix this relationship so everyone’s happy if anyone has any advice, however harsh it might be…it’s hard to see properly whilst in the midst of it. X

Have a relationship without living together, just think how much easier your life would be if your DP wasn't in your home criticising everything you do.

As other pp have already said, your partner sounds very inmature: giving you the silent treatment because you don't do as he tells, comparing your son (in a bad light) with his, shouting as a way of disciplining, trying to impose his (clearly wrong: the "shouting aproach" is abuse, basically) way of discipline to your son... I believe he is the problem and not your son. I think your son's behavioural issues are his reaction to living in a hostile home (because of your partner): this needs to change. Your priority, obviously, must continue to be your son, OP. So I agree with others: the partner must go.
Wishing you the best 🙏💐

You ARE putting up with it. So he slept on the couch? Super. He's still under the same roof as your son and you're allowing him to abuse your child? Have you any idea how damaging this is going to be for your child long term, especially if he is ND.

And I'm sorry your blood is boiling at the use of the word despicable, but I think any mother who allows her child to be subjected to this kind of abuse, in his own home, is exactly that. If the shoe fits and all that.

I wouldn't allow anyone speak to my child the way your 'partner' speaks to yours, and this is obviously an ongoing issue that YOU are putting up with. How can you not see, that despite your 'partner' being an abusive asshole, you are also failing in your responsibility as a mother to protect your child. Why have you not kicked this man out???

Thank you, I’m well aware I don’t have a completely realistic view of the situation.

Yes, I’m told that I over react frequently.

That’s really helpful, I suggested a EHCP to the school but they said they would see how the first term goes, I’ll bring this up in the meeting tomorrow rather than an EHA and look at that website, thank you.

Whose house are you living in OP? Can you kick this abusive dickhead out?

OP please ignore explicitely provocative posts attacking you and twisting what you say. You're legitimately worried about the situation and you needed an external perspective because, as you yourself can see (and pp has noted) your own perspective is distorted by your own childhood abuse. But you have your son's interest at heart, it's clear. It's really hard to break the cycle of abuse, which is what you're trying to do instinctively.

It’s not realistic to ban your partner from disciplining your son be because there are times where he’ll see something and you don’t and you’ll end up in a stressful situation of whether to believe your h or son’s story of an event.

Your h isn’t helping by the way he disciplines. He’s making things worse by winding up your son and as your son gets bigger, there’s a real danger that things could get physical. I can’t comment on the discipline and ASD angle but it’s clear that how he’s dealing with your son isn’t achieving the goal of discipline - a change of behaviour.

Whilst I don’t necessarily think your partner is going about things the right way, I do wonder if you are looking at your son through rose tinted glasses. You say he isn’t ‘unfiltered’ or ‘naughty’, yet from what you are saying, other people don’t think the same. Maybe look a little closer to home and consider whether there’s an approach that actually deals with your sons poor behaviour, whilst putting him first from the differing boundaries he is subjected to at the moment.

If your son had flu would your partner shout at him to get better? Would he punish him too, to make him better?
Neurodiversity isn't an illness but you still can't punish someone so they'll make themselves better. Your DP is ignorant about neurodiversity and mental health. His approach is, at best, unhelpful, and very probably damaging.
If DP cannot be informed or educated to get a better understanding, then you and DS should not live with him.You don't necessarily have to end your relationship but you should not allow him to live with your DS or have any influence over his upbringing.

Please want better for your sons childhood. This isn't working for anyone.

You’re entitled to your opinion obviously but I think it’s very unfair for you to use the word allow, that would insinuate that I stand by happily and say nothing and don’t see an issue with any of this.

I think in an ideal world, I would click my fingers and be in my own home with my children alone. Things aren’t always so uncomplicated and can take a little time. Have you ever tried to kick a grown man out of a property? Do you think that would be something so simple and he would just happily pack his belongings and leave with his son in tow? His son who I love as my own.

I’m glad I have a definitive answer on this anyway, I know what I need to do. I now know I’m not over sensitive, over reactive etc, in fact, the opposite, thanks.

Holy crap op, he might be playing up at school because of home. When I started reading I was going to suggest private diagnosis, if you can afford it, but I think leaving your partner might be the priority here.

No, not that you stand by happily OP, but this has obviously happened before and you haven't dealt with your partner's abuse towards your son. You are allowing it by allowing this man access to your son. Just because you're jumping in to defend your son in the middle of a situation, doesn't actually solve anything. You're allowing your son to be in this situation to begin with.

Can you click your fingers and be rid of him? Whose house do you live in?

And yes, I have kicked a fully grown man out of my house, and for a lot less than what your 'partner' has done. And they left, because I made them leave. It really IS that simple. Unless you own property together, in which case you move out with your son and sell the house and get away from this horrid man.

Neurodivergent or not, your son is disrupting the learning of the other students in his class, and this requires more of a response from you than “go out and play with your friends”.

I may be missing something here, but if every parent who has ever shouted at a teenage child were instantly divorced, very few marriages would survive puberty.

Get rid of your partner. The 'shouting approach' is abusive.

Do you think making her son stay in and storing up even more energy would be relevant to something he did at school hours before

Is the connection logical? No

His mother isn't in school so although she needs to encourage him to follow their rules, she can't make him

Whose house is it @Allisnitlost81 ?

Plenty of MNs have kicked grown men out of the house. Some have even kicked out more than one. Others have left because the house belonged to the man.

Just wanted to say good luck OP. I have ended a bad relationship for the sake of my DD and I know it's not always easy but OMG it was worth it.
I spent a couple of years single and working on myself (counselling v helpful). Then met a wonderful man who is kind, caring and loving and has never shouted at me or my DD.
Sounds like you are ready to make the break and take the first steps to a brighter future. You've got this 💪

What was your sons behaviour like before his stepdad was part of his life? From the sounds of it, your partners attitude and shouting at him is a trigger, and will only get worse.

Your approach sounds fine if it does actually work- children with ADHD (or similar traits) do need to burn off energy, so sending him outto play isn't a problem.

Keep school and home separate, if he's late to lessons during the school day, there's not much you can do (unless its something like bullying, etc)

At the end of the day, you need to decide what's important to you. Your son or partner.

You are aware that your partners attitude is wrong, but don't seem to understand the impact it is having on your son. As he enters puberty and teen years, this will get worse. Your son can't choose who to live with, but you can.

If your son has SEN he needs his family firmly in his corner.

Kick out the abusive partner and live happily with your child.

You have the right advice here. Your child must come first. Your partner's not a good influence around him.

How old is your son, btw? Has he hit adolescence?

I mean this kindly, but do you know what you need to do???

Please read the title of your thread "11yr old and hostile living environment".

What happens when your son and partner are left alone together? You can't be there all the time.

You really need to ask your son how he feels about stepdad and what happens when your not there. You shouldn't have to step in to make your your partner doesn't shout at your son.

I bet your sons behaviour would massively improve without stepdad around.

Yes, but he isn’t his parent.

Your partner wants to promote his son and crush your son.
The answer is obvious!

I think in an ideal world, I would click my fingers and be in my own home with my children alone. Things aren’t always so uncomplicated and can take a little time. Have you ever tried to kick a grown man out of a property? Do you think that would be something so simple and he would just happily pack his belongings and leave with his son in tow? His son who I love as my own
And this is why he feels able to get away with his bad behaviour, he knows it will be very hard for you to stop him. Plus he seems that you are emotionally bonded with his son, which means he can use emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
He's got you over a barrel.