11 Year old son and Hostile living environment

[Allisnitlost81]

Hi all,

This is my first post but really need some advice. My son has suspected autism, I think probably ADHD too, he’s been in the waiting list for 18 months now. His behaviour is not too bad at home, apart from the discipline element with my partner. At school, things are getting progressively worse. He started high school last month and is already on a report card for being late to classes. These are things I feel I don’t have much control over from home, I have a meeting with the school though as Cahms suggested I apply for an EHA.

The issues arising are also at home, I have my way, which I find effective if I’m ever able to go with it, I talk to him, explain why I’m disciplining him for bad behaviour and remove devices. The most I ever discipline him for is swearing now and again. He has ticks and shouts and blurts things out, I don’t think he can help this. But my partner currently isn’t speaking to me and slept on the sofa lastnight, ignored me all of today for backing my son up ‘again’. I do feel very protective of him, maybe my methods are too softly softly, I know my partner definitely thinks so and he thinks this is the problem.

I really don’t, I find a calm approach works, when my son is shouted at he gets very reactive and can go into a full on meltdown, slamming doors etc and hysterical tears. My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told. I hate the way my son his compared to his son, his needs are completely different. I feel like he thinks I’m too soft so is happy to under mine me constantly.
For example, yesterday my son got a warning for talking in class, but I still said he could go out and play football with his friends for a while while I finished work at home, they exercise does him good. However my partner pulled him up in his way out and said he shouldn’t be going because he will probable arse about. I heard my son tell him cheekily well I am going because my mum said it’s ok. Partner started getting angry and ranting and told him to hand his phone over now which resulted in my son telling him that he can’t make him do this as he’s not his dad. My son is very black and white and direct. I heard and aggressive movement from upstairs of the stool on the kitchen floors being shifted and ran downstairs, my partner had snatched the phone out of my sons hand, my son was now having a full meltdown. Partner was yelling going ‘oh you’re here jumping to his defence once again’. I asked him to please stop shouting which he didn’t. I’m just honestly so tired of this, it’s a regular occurrence.

I feel protective of my son, coming from an abusive childhood myself I can’t stand the shouting etc and tough love thing. He’s been through so much with tummy issues and an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to put this right. My son tried to say sorry and my partner threw it back in his face and said he only said sorry as he wants his phone back. Son said yeah that’s true as he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.

I honestly don’t know how to fix any of this, I have no control over what happens at school but the at home environment isn’t helping at all. I want to have a united front with my partner but how can I when I don’t agree with how he disciplines?
Has anyone been through this, I need to give my son the support he needs and also fix this relationship so everyone’s happy if anyone has any advice, however harsh it might be…it’s hard to see properly whilst in the midst of it. X

Who's nobody? Presumably the professional who diagnosed him was convinced. And also his school teachers?

Unfortunately your son is not yet diagnosed. Your partner may not believe your son is ND - he may genuinely think your parenting is too 'soft'.

His way of parenting your son sounds unhelpful regardless. It would be better for you to live apart. Take the pressure off.

Get rid of your partner. The goalposts are being moved so much in your son's life that he will be acting out more, because he does not feel secure and does not have consistent adults in his life.

You and your partner aren't compatible. Sounds like it is going to end in a nasty breakup.

Is your son actually diagnosed autistic? Seems odd school would punish for simply talking in class with ASD. You also said your son is very black and white so should understand that there are rules, which he seems to understand that "not his dad" can't apply.

Your soft approach might not be the best way either, you are showing your son there are not consequences for his actions.

All the advice about leaving this man will be falling on deaf ears.

This man won’t going anywhere

Put your son above your partner.

Stop being selfish.

If your partner was a good man who cared about your son, he would be going above and beyond to make sure he was following the approach that you have decided on as a parent. If he was at all interested in helping your son grow or be able to deal with challenges, that's what he would be doing - instead, he's more interested in doing things the way he thinks is best even though that isn't working. He's not a good man - he thinks it's okay to treat children in an aggressive way, and he's treating your son this way event though it clearly doesn't work? Please get your son away from this man or you will be on here in 5 years talking about how your teenager and partner have gotten into a physical fight and your son is off the rails. I've read so many threads on here where parents say after they separated from a high conflict partner, their ND or mentally ill child calmed down significantly. Don't let this go on a second longer.

Yeah the OP is blatantly ignoring the fact that this horror of a man is more concerned about his own ego and need for control than spending time investing in nurturing an autistic child despite it being pointed out in every reply. OP on your head be it, this man will change the path and outcomes your son will experience in life. He will do untold damage with this approach, it's your job to protect him from that. So from this point forward, it's been made clear in black and white, you're equally responsible for the abuse your son is receiving.

Her son is not yet diagnosed with either autism or ADHD. He is waiting for assessment in the queue for assessments.

It's sounds like your partner is trying to have a power struggle with your son, which is ridiculous. Why is he overriding what you have given permission for (in the park example)? Your partner deliberately picked a fight, then when it had the expected outcome of your son answering back, your partner escalated it by grabbing your son's phone. I wouldn't go straight to breaking up, but I would have a serious conversation with your partner about who can discipline your son (i.e. only you) and that you expect support moving forwards in terms of your partner's dismissve attitude. It's also not on for him to give you the silent treatment as a punishment for disagreeing with him. Be straight with him - these are the rules you are all going to live by from now on and if he can't cope, he needs to find a new place to live within x period of time.

Separately, I do think you need to speak to the school about getting an EHCP in place - you can start the process yourself, but it may be more productive if you and the school can work together. And yes, if your son has verbal ticks, he can't help it.

Where are you when this man is shouting at your son?. Your son really does not have anyone to look out for him does he?. You are letting him down currently because your head space is taken up with this relationship.

Put your son first , not your relationship of five years to this man. He is a crap example of a man and stepfather type figure to your son. Also if you do not act your son will leave home sooner rather than later and he will not want to see you because in his head you put this man before him. Your own relationship with your child will be lost.

Why in the name of god are you allowing your absolute dickhead of a 'partner' to abuse your son? His behaviour is despicable, and so are you for allowing it.

Your poor child, my blood is actually boiling reading this. Shame on you

And this: "I want to have a united front with my partner but how can I when I don’t agree with how he disciplines?"

How about you try having a united front with your son? Your partner shouldn't be disciplining him, and this is abuse, not discipline.

Thanks for all of the replies. Even the ones that aren’t very helpful, saying I’m blatantly ignoring, not putting my son first. Completely untrue, I don’t let anyone yell at my son, as I say it started and I ran down straight away and put a stop to it. Saying my son has no one to look out for him, that’s all I do. I don’t sleep for worrying about him and love him more than anything in the world.

All the hostility is due to a power struggle as I refuse to let my son be treated anything other than the way I say is suitable, ie spoken to in a calm manner. I’ve told my partner this in no uncertain terms. But I’m told I’m awkward and need to stop being a walkover else my son will rule the roost.

I’m told I’m too soft and I wanted to have an outside perspective on this as I don’t think I am, I don’t have family I can speak to about this. And I would by lying if I said I haven’t thought of leaving but as I say, I didn’t know if I’m over reacting, I have no support so whereas some people may know straight off that’s what they would need to do in this situation, I’m in it and the few people I have reached out to have never given any feedback at all and think my partner is a great guy.

I don’t, that’s the whole point. If I allowed it all would have been hunky dory and he wouldn’t have threw his toys out of the pram and slept on the couch?

My blood is boiling that you think it’s ok to call me despicable.

Completely untrue, I don’t let anyone yell at my son,

reread your own op

My partner prefers the shouting approach and tells my his son is so good compared to mine because he knows when he shouts he does as he’s told

but also

i don’t let alone yell at my son
🤨

Thanks, I did have a united front with my son, hence the whole charade of ‘you’re here to protect your son yet again stance’ .

tell you what op

channel some of the feistiness your are displaying in your defence on this thread… towards your abusive boyfriend to protect your son
you won’t though

His son he is ‘allowed’ to yell at apparently.

I don’t agree with this either but I’m told ironically that it’s none of my business. However in my home I don’t allow it no, he starts and I shut him down.

However in my home I don’t allow it no, he starts and I shut him down.

your boyfriend though?

I will bow put

depressing thread

I do. Just wanted to know if I’m too soft in my approach to parenting and if I was the issue for backing my son rather than him.

I saw a post on here yesterday with completely conflicting advice, (maybe an older thread) saying that stepdad should be allowed a say in discipline, they couldn’t live with another persons child who acted up, answered back etc.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by your own abusive childhood, poor life experiences and relationships, are being further skewed by this man now. You have a choice re this man, your son does not. You run a real risk here of losing your son completely if you do not act decisively here. He could well go completely off the rails.

Your partner is not a great guy at all but such people are often plausible to those in the outside world.

You are not over reacting here, why would you think otherwise ? Because he tells you?

Your son needs help and re school I would apply for an EHCP (educational health and care plan) asap as one of the other posters has suggested. Use the website called IPSEA to help you get the support he needs in school.

Discipline isn’t the same as abuse though. Discipline is having clear rules and boundaries and consequences, teaching children to uphold standards and prioritise things the right way, to show respect, etc.

You apply discipline in a calm manner, you explain why you’re doing what you’re doing respectfully (eg revoking phone or car privileges) and the expectations of certain standards of behaviour are clear.

Yelling and swearing and insulting a child, grabbing things off them or otherwise handing them physically, causing them to feel fear etc when they do something you don’t like is just abuse.

This man is not strictly speaking your child’s stepfather either, he is a man you live with and not a decent sort at that . This man undermines you as well constantly. His own son is likely to grow up to be just like his dad.

Whose house are you living in - your own home or in his property?.