Am I overstepping the mark and asking too much?

[Sweetieone]

We don’t live together but my partner of 2 years doesn’t ever seem concerned with my safety.. when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc..

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back. He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).

Honestly, it just bothers me, and I’ve told him that I’d like to know that someone is watching out for me, and that I find it odd that he doesn’t ask me anything about where I’m going etc..

He does try sometimes but sometimes forgets so it’s just not on his mind I guess. A few days ago, I had a horrible and upsetting argument/incident with my ex partner, and messaged him because I had a missed call from him to say I’m not alright and can he talk, then my phone died and by the time I got back to charge it, he’d gone to bed. The next morning he called me, he didn’t mention it or ask me if I was okay - until I brought it up (I thought I’d be the first thing he’d ask) and when I did, he said he just assumed that it had blown over.

I honestly don’t think I’m a needy person, I have a busy life and social life but I guess I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone. Generally though he’s a caring supportive partner but there seems to be some kind of gap or disconnect..

i honestly don’t know if it’s me or him but its becoming an issue for me now. I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets which kinda hammers it home. He say I “assumed” because you were out with a friend that you’d be okay or that he usually asks (he doesn’t)

maybe I need therapy so I can get over whatever it is that’s triggering this anxiety about him not wanting to know? Am I asking too much especially as we don’t live together.

Advice and perspective appreciated from you wise bunch of people 😊 thank you for reading

Sorry but it sounds very needy, are you wanting him to check in on you, while also checking up on him?
Do you call him to check his well being at all times or do you think it should just be him checking in on you?
(Feel that needs a cancel the 'check'!)

I couldn't get worked up about this...and actually would HATE that level of 'checking' if I'm honest. I'd feel utterly suffocated 😖

Sorry OP but you do sound OTT needy imo. You’re not a child and he’s not your parent.

It would drive me mad someone checking in on me all the time. As a PP said it’s suffocating so maybe you so need to address why you need constant checking up in

You are a grown up but you are not coming across like one

As someone else mentioned I would feel suffocated if this was me

My husband I know if either of us needs help we ask the other other than that we are adults

@Sweetieone I know what you mean.

I had this with my ex. He never checked how I was, would never ask how an event had been, if I was travelling alone late at night would never check if I got home, if I was sick never asked if I needed anything, if something upsetting had happened would never react or ask about it again.
And I started to feel needy and pathetic when it upset me.

Ultimately in my case, it was because when I wasn’t with him or when I wasn’t fully focused on him he just didn’t care about me. There was no point to me unless I was fully present and available to his needs only.

It came to a head when I was pushed to a very low and vulnerable place due to a few awful things happening in a short space of time. He broke up with me because I broke down in front of him and it was annoying for him to witness and ‘too much’.

He didn’t see why it was up to him to comfort me when I had friends and if I was going to be upset whilst I was with him, why was I there at all when I could be upset by myself at my own house.

If I was sick what did I expect him to be able to do - I could Amazon anything I needed so why would he ask if I needed anything, that kind of thing.

He would describe himself as a caring man. A nice guy.

He did try the ‘I’m autistic, we don’t relate to things’ excuse when my response made him feel bad and quickly got angry when I pointed out was able to ask the questions of his colleagues.

He knows it matters to you and still can’t keep the act up for long. You deserve someone who can do the very basic level of care you are hoping for

I get it, he's unbothered about your safety. It's nice knowing your partner thinks about you and cares for your safety and he's showing you he doesn't. It must hurt.
So what now, can you accept this is who he is?

For me I couldn't, not because I would find it suffocating or would like having someone check on me. I think it comes down to if something did happen to me, how long until he would even raise the alarm that i was missing?

Wow..! You lot are harsh! No sugar coating on Mumsnet 😂

appreciate the perspective and will work on myself. Thank you

I think you’re being very needy too. If I went to bed at 8.30pm every evening, I would find it frustrating that my partner would want me to stay awake listening for a text about where they were and making me keep tabs on them. I would think they were controlling.

I don’t think this person is right for you and the level of attention you require. You can either look for someone else, or try and address this to see how you can help yourself.

Personally, I'd be bothered. It's just a small thing, isn't it? "Text me when you get there", it's showing you care about someone and their safety.

Be glad he sees you as a fully functioning adult. Not checking up on ickle wickle you.....
Aren't you his equal not a poor damsel?

I don’t find this OTT I think it’s lovely to feel that someone cares about your wellbeing and shows it!

It just sounds as though he's still an independent person, living his own life, and finds it strange that you need a shoulder of support. Does he refer to you as his partner or girlfriend? The set up suits him but, if you would like/need more involvement from him, then it's not working for you. Have you talked about the next stage of moving in together?

I think it would be different if you lived together but as you don't you are coming across as a bit needy.

Is it that you feel loved knowing your partner is watching out for you? Tell your partner that and see what happens. That will tell you a lot about the relationship.

Absolutely.

If a partner said “text me when you get there” I’d find that onerous and think they were clingy & needy. It would piss me right off.

I think there is a middle ground. We don't want to be irritated by 'where are you?' messages but we DO want our partners to give a shit if we are in trouble. I drive a long way to see my partner and he said to me early on, 'I worry about you now, you are driving on the motorway just for me, I want to know you are OK'. I liked it.

OP I think maybe he is not the man for you, he doesn't want to get that close and he isn't going to be the man you need. I'm sorry x

It's just a compatibility thing, people have different expectations and styles, and that's okay. You just both have to decide whether it's something you can live with or whether it's a deal-breaker, because people don't change and it's just a waste of time expecting them to.

The thing about not appearing to care if you're upset, I can sympathise with you there, as that's what you'd expect from a partner.

But the checking in thing is just a matter of preference. I would absolutely hate to have the expectation of checking in (or of being checked on) and my DP is on the same page. We just see it as treating each other like adults. If you' see it differently than that's absolutely your right.

You would’ve been well suited to my (lovely but boring) ex! He did this all the time 😅

“Text me when you get there” / “Have a safe drive” / “How was the drive”
I felt I had to respond with similar inanities “How was the sales conference in Slough?”

Drove me round the bend and contributed to the break up, but he also asked me which route I’d taken which gave me the ick and dad vibes.

However, if you love this and feel it creates a sense of intimacy and comfort (which I can see it would), then discuss it, maybe in the context of the Five Love Languages (well-known relationship book?)

Good luck 👍

So if you go to a party or on a long drive and don't text, what do you want him to do? Have a plan in place to call you then the police or what? Do you have this for him?

I know it's nice to feel cared for but realistically what do these gestures amount to when it's day to day stuff? If it's something potentially dangerous like a mountain hike it's different to ask someone to stand by for check ins but I would feel weighted down if expected to do this constantly. I do ask my partner to let me know he's back etc but I definitely don't ask exactly where he's going, with whom etc for his personal security. If I'm out with friends, we would let each other know we were back.

I also think the ex thing was odd. Why not call a friend?

Sounds like he ain't really that bothered about you

@Sweetieone and @Over40Overdating does it go both ways? Are you checking in with him every step he takes, every move he makes? Are you around tending to him when he's unwell?

I do not think you are being needy at all. You've been in a relationship for 2 years. What is the point of being in a relationship if you do not show concern for your partner's wellbeing and safety? You may as well go for FWB or something of the kind. Of course you want to feel cared for. It does not make you needy, it makes you human.
I personally could never again be in a relationship with a selfish, uncaring man. Fuck that. Never again. Loneliness feels way better.

On the day you had an incident with the ex-partner, and your phone died, I'd be hoping for some check-in, definitely.

BUT, that kind of assumes there isn't a crisis like that and a need to check-in regularly already. If there is, then it's more the boy who cried wolf.

Aside from that, if he needs to be in bed at 8:30 every evening for work, he simply can't regularly text you late at night. The only way to achieve that would be to stay awake until later or set an alarm to wake himself during the night to send a message? Or do you not really believe he's sleeping in the evening?

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back.

I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone.

You seem to want a parent, as opposed to an equal partner. It’s a bit odd, OP.

I’d definitely expect my partner to care that I was stressed, but you want him to lose sleep because you (a presumably grown woman) are out at night of your own volition? That’s…bizarre. And really unhealthy.