Am I overstepping the mark and asking too much?

[Sweetieone]

We don’t live together but my partner of 2 years doesn’t ever seem concerned with my safety.. when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc..

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back. He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).

Honestly, it just bothers me, and I’ve told him that I’d like to know that someone is watching out for me, and that I find it odd that he doesn’t ask me anything about where I’m going etc..

He does try sometimes but sometimes forgets so it’s just not on his mind I guess. A few days ago, I had a horrible and upsetting argument/incident with my ex partner, and messaged him because I had a missed call from him to say I’m not alright and can he talk, then my phone died and by the time I got back to charge it, he’d gone to bed. The next morning he called me, he didn’t mention it or ask me if I was okay - until I brought it up (I thought I’d be the first thing he’d ask) and when I did, he said he just assumed that it had blown over.

I honestly don’t think I’m a needy person, I have a busy life and social life but I guess I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone. Generally though he’s a caring supportive partner but there seems to be some kind of gap or disconnect..

i honestly don’t know if it’s me or him but its becoming an issue for me now. I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets which kinda hammers it home. He say I “assumed” because you were out with a friend that you’d be okay or that he usually asks (he doesn’t)

maybe I need therapy so I can get over whatever it is that’s triggering this anxiety about him not wanting to know? Am I asking too much especially as we don’t live together.

Advice and perspective appreciated from you wise bunch of people 😊 thank you for reading

Wow.

I'm not sure about the checking you've arrived etc, that's a bit OTT. But surely the following up in conversation when you've had a hard time is normal!

I think you sound quite needy but your partner sounds a bit thoughtless. A balance somewhere in the middle would be nice.

My husband doesn't text me or expect me to text him about my safe arrival when I've had a long drive. Nor does he check how I'm getting home safely if I've gone out with friends. This is because I'm a grown adult who drives safely and is perfectly capable of arranging my own taxi/lift. I would actually find it stifling to be checked up on.

BUT if I'm away overnight I do "check in" for a chat at some point each evening. If I haven't called by around 9pm he will call me. But it's not to monitor my safety, it's just to have a quick chat because we won't see each other that day. And he does show an interest in who I'm meeting/ which venue is booked etc which I think is normal. I think if I phoned and left a message saying I was feeling rough and needed to talk he would be concerned but that would be very unusual. I can imagine if it was something that happened a lot he would be more inclined to brush it off - there's a difference between supportive partner and being expected to be an unofficial counsellor!

There is a world of difference between showing an interest in your partners life - whose party they might be going to, if they had a nice time - and controlling or checking up on someone.

All you ‘ugh I’m a fully grown woman I don’t need a man knowing where I am’ - do you never ask questions of the people in your life? Show interest or concern?

After two years with my ex never asking if I had a nice night, or who I might be going out with, he could not name a single member of my friend group, where I did a weekly hobby or what I did when I was not with him.

When making my way back from his place to mine in a storm with all trains cancelled it took my Ex 4 days to reach out to me and then it was only to ask a favour.

That’s not relaxed. It’s not how relationships should be. It’s self centred behaviour that isn’t conducive to a caring relationship, romantic or platonic.

Sorry - is this the same OP who needs her partner to infantilise her and was just calling everyone mean? Classsyyyyyy 🤣

I would feel the same as you.
Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if he will change.

He sounds very much like an “out of sight, out of mind” person.

I wouldn’t like this either. It’s nice to know the person you love and says loves you actually gives a shit when you aren’t there.

There is definitely a middle ground between extremes where most of us operate. Have you asked him why he isn’t interested to know anything about your life when you aren’t together?

when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc.
Is this something most people do, and not just your friends? I don't know anyone who does this.

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back.
Do you say "I'm going out on Friday night" but then withhold any further information for him, as a test, to see if he's going to ask more? I can't imagine chatting to my dp about my plans but not mentioning who I am going with.

He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).
Of course he goes to bed at the time he has to go to bed. Not being interested does sound hurtful. But if he's really not interested, that is the issue - not him texting or going to bed.

I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets
OP, if you want someone who's different, look for someone who's different. Trying to shape your partner into someone different, who does things that you want him to do, won't work. It won't turn him into someone who naturally acts the way you want. It creates a role for you as someone who's constantly complaining or annoyed, and it creates a role for him as someone who's either frustrated at your complaints or who weakly gives in and adapts his personality to suit you. None of those roles are attractive.

Find someone you like as they are.

You don't live together, so I'm not sure why knowing the details of the parties you don't attend together should be something that he asks about? Certainly no more than: "Did you have a nice time?" And if he's not going to these events with you then why would he message to check you got home - that's what your friends who you were socialising with would ask surely? Not least because you're going to be out a lot later than the time he goes to bed - surely he shouldn't stay awake to make/receive texts concerning an event didn't attend?So in terms of that YABU.

In terms of the incident with your ex-partner - he called you initially, you messaged back, but then your phone died. So he couldn't have communicated with you further that evening even if wanted to as by the time you sorted out your phone he was already in bed (and I think this is a crucial point in many of your examples - he just won't be awake for most of your socialising surely). He then called you in the morning - so it's not as if he didn't return your call - he just didn't mention the incident right off the bat, which maybe is thoughtless, but he may have assumed it had blown over based on how things have panned out in the past? So maybe YANBU but I am not convinced that he is either. Also this is a situation where I would talk to my friends more than my partner anyway.

I agree with @honeylulu, that it would be stifling for someone to always be checking in with me and I drive a minimum of about 400 miles a month, so plenty of long drives.

He definitely won’t change, and there definitely is a difference between politely saying “let me know you got home safely” and being controlling/checking up on people for the purposes of intruding on their lives.

I would have a think about whether this works for you OP, and then act accordingly. I wouldn’t like to be out of sight out of mind with someone, but nor would I want every move being scrutinized.

Your updates don’t reflect well on you. I agree it sounds like you want a parent rather than an equal partner. If you want a paternalistic controlling man who’ll infantilise you then find someone else. You’re out of order trying to change him into someone he isn’t.

Reading between the lines, do you just feel generally a bit uncared for and you've focused on this issue? You say he's generally a supportive partner - in what ways does he show love and support? How often do you see each other?

I'm a bit on the fence - I wouldn't ask DP to text me to say he'd got home OK but I would expect a goodnight text and would be a bit worried the next morning if one hadn't come in so I would check on him. I think he'd be the same. We'd definitely ask each other whose party/where etc purely to show interest in each other's lives. It sounds like you aren't expecting him to wait up for you but it's the complete lack of any interest in whether you're generally OK that is the issue?

or walking home at night in various parts of London... because nothing bad can ever happen here.. only in Beirut, etc. C'mon.

Thing is, I think most of us agree with you! Your ex sounds awful and one’s partner should take an interest in one’s life. That’s healthy, and a completely reasonable expectation.

OP, on the other hand, is upset about things like ‘I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night.’

I really don’t think that wanting your partner to be worried or unable to sleep because you’re ‘out alone at night’ i.e. have gone to a party, is a healthy or reasonable expectation.

No OP, you don't need to work on yourself. It's completely weird for him not to be at all concerned. To not even ask about the issue with your ex bf knowing it had stressed you out. How odd

Most of the women on MN, I'm sure, would have an issue with this, but as usual, the women on here like to put others down, in this case, by saying you're needy.

I'm sorry to say it, but his lack of interest is potentially because he just doesn't care, which can be hard to hear... but a partner should be providing you with support/ comfort. Someone you know has your back and IS concerned if you're out late at night. This is normal from a partner.

My partner will always message me, and I love him for it. I also have had an ex partner who was like yours, I confronted him about it and he said 'why do you want me to have feelings' it's was bizarre, and made me feel incredibly anxious and question our relationship. I am not a needy person at all (some have said I'm cold in the past and very non chalent). Safe to say, my relationship with him did not last, and thankfully, I am happy with my new partner.

Don't settle for this.

Agree with you. It’s absolutely normal for someone to be interested or care about you but is it really reasonable to expect them to wait up after their bedtime just to check that you managed to drive on a motorway ok or that you’re home from a night out with friends?

I’d be pretty peed off to get woken by a text saying ‘I’m home’ after they’d had a night out or driven somewhere. And I certainly wouldn’t think of waking someone else just to tell them those things.

As for taking an interest in their social life away from me - I might ask where they’re going but wouldn’t expect a roll call of names. Equally if I’m out with friends, I wouldn’t expect to be questioned on where and who with other than the detail I’d already volunteered

Precisely. We’re not telling OP that she’s needy because she wants her boyfriend to be interested in her or care about her. The fact that’s it’s being characterised as ‘horrid women being dismissive because she wants a bit of care’ (paraphrasing) is a bit silly.

Yep. Or the ‘women setting the bar so low’ because we don’t text our sleeping partners to tell them we’ve managed to negotiate a few junctions of the M25.

I actually think him not bothering to ask whose party it is or where is weirder and more thoughtless. That should just be natural interest. Plus if the relationship's going to last, your partner's friends will be people you end up meeting too.

I don't think I'd want to be checked up on in these situations though. I don't drive but I've never known anyone who treats it as an unusually dangerous activity. And as someone who went out at night countless times before meeting DP, I'd think it odd if he seemed to think I couldn't do it.

There's also no point asking for or sending a text to confirm safe arrival anywhere if he's asleep! Surely you don't expect him to wait up until you get home from a party?

Not sure what happened with the phone call from your ex but it was your phone that died - if I couldn't get through to someone who "wanted to talk" I would assume it wasn't urgent or, as he said, had blown over.

How often do you NOT arrive home safely from completely routine commutes and outings? Should he stay awake until you do, on the very remote chance you'll encounter some sort of adverse situation?

It sounds like you want a protector rather than a peer. Maybe he's not the right person to meet your needs.

@TwistedWonder do you live with your partner? Someone who would notice if you did not make it home, even from a trip round a few junctions of the M25? Who would miss you if something did happen to you? Because even people who are not needy can have accidents.
Sarah Everard was reported missing as fast as she was because her partner didn’t hear from her as he normally would have. Had he been like OP’s fella it likely would have been a lot later before she was reported. Her being on the phone to her partner to update him where she was as she walked the street late at night also helped narrow the search for where she was taken.

When you live alone a partner can be a touch point for someone at least knowing where you are if you are travelling late at night.
Not saying OP’s partner should interrupt his nights sleep to check if she’s a gotten home from a party he wasn’t at - he could have the basic courtesy of asking how it went though - but if she travels from his place to hers, he is the natural person to assume might check on her.

Life is not the same for everyone and judging people by your life doesn’t make you the ‘right’ one in this situation.

And this is a gross simplification of the point I was making so you could take a cheap shot. Well done you.

Had he been like OP’s fella it likely would have been a lot later before she was reported

Well yes because he'd have been asleep. If you're out at night after your partner/other people in your household have gone to bed, you're on your own. That's how it works.

Heavens to Betsy. My DH of 2 decades doesn't do any of those things either. Why? Because I'm a functional, grown up.

I send messages such as "I love you" and "I hope everything's going well." My DP doesn't have to reply, because there is no question, and if there is a problem, she'll let me know.

It's only my kids I'd ask if they arrived safely.