Am I overstepping the mark and asking too much?

[Sweetieone]

We don’t live together but my partner of 2 years doesn’t ever seem concerned with my safety.. when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc..

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back. He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).

Honestly, it just bothers me, and I’ve told him that I’d like to know that someone is watching out for me, and that I find it odd that he doesn’t ask me anything about where I’m going etc..

He does try sometimes but sometimes forgets so it’s just not on his mind I guess. A few days ago, I had a horrible and upsetting argument/incident with my ex partner, and messaged him because I had a missed call from him to say I’m not alright and can he talk, then my phone died and by the time I got back to charge it, he’d gone to bed. The next morning he called me, he didn’t mention it or ask me if I was okay - until I brought it up (I thought I’d be the first thing he’d ask) and when I did, he said he just assumed that it had blown over.

I honestly don’t think I’m a needy person, I have a busy life and social life but I guess I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone. Generally though he’s a caring supportive partner but there seems to be some kind of gap or disconnect..

i honestly don’t know if it’s me or him but its becoming an issue for me now. I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets which kinda hammers it home. He say I “assumed” because you were out with a friend that you’d be okay or that he usually asks (he doesn’t)

maybe I need therapy so I can get over whatever it is that’s triggering this anxiety about him not wanting to know? Am I asking too much especially as we don’t live together.

Advice and perspective appreciated from you wise bunch of people 😊 thank you for reading

My exhusband basically didn’t give a shit what I was doing. Long drives to see my grandmother in Scotland, holiday with friends, away with work etc were mainly causes for celebration so he could go out with friends more (which he did anyway).

I do think if you have had a long drive that it’s nice if someone asks how it went, or it’s pretty normal if your partner goes on holiday to ask how the flight was etc

I’ve taken the train in to London today for a long day at work and I’m quite looking forward to my boyfriends offer to pick me up so I don’t have to battle for a taxi or walk home.

If you are really worried about your safety on a long drive/outing either

Tell your DH you'll text when you get there or

Enable "find my phone/location sharing etc" and let him track u.

Waiting for him to text "are u ok" makes you sound like a drama queen.

This

Wow, that’s a cheap shot, twisting the thread, to put women down.

I totally relate to this.
In my case my partner was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. A common trait of ADHD is that if it’s not in front of their face they completely forget about it. So when I wasn’t right there, he wasn’t thinking of me at all. To the point that no decision be made ever did he consider how it would affect me, because I wasn’t right there.
I’ve found it quite painful over the years- because I just can’t relate to it at all. But it was a slight comfort to know that it was the way his brain worked rather than as simple as “he doesn’t care about me”.
I believe it’s called object permanence.
I might be totally off base, but what you wrote felt very familiar to me. I’m also not at all a needy person, and I have felt like a stage 5 clinger at times.
(In addition to this we’ve also found that he has dismissive avoidant attachment style- which didn’t help either).

If you know he has to be in bed by 8.30 because of an early start at work why are you expecting him to stay up at night and wait for you when you go out?
Why do you need him to ask who you're going out with? Why can't you just say "on Monday I'm going out with x for her birthday"
You sound both controlling and needy. And if your partner did everything you're complaining he doesn't then he'd come across as controlling too!

Just be glad he isn't like my now exdh who having gone back to his home country for an indefinite amount of time called me from there, just after 8pm whilst I was on the train home with our 2 youngest dc (aged 6 and 10) to complain that we weren't home and it was too late for them! It was during the half term holiday and we had been visiting my eldest dc at university. He had also called my parents and our other dc to see where I was!

I've been married 34 years and I don't think my DH has ever said 'text me when you get there' or 'let me know when you're home' - he would just assume I'm ok unless he hears otherwise! I don't think a grown adult needs checking on like this 🤷‍♀️ it sounds like you and your partner are just different, neither of you are wrong necessarily, just have different expectations.

I understand where you are coming from but I do think it’s (to an extent) a male/female difference. My husband is very caring but he’ll go to bed when I’m out and sleep soundly. I don’t think he’d notice til the morning I’d I wasn’t back, whereas I don’t sleep properly until I know he’s back and feel like I’m always listening/on high alert. Same with drives - I regularly do a 3.5h drive with our kids to Scotland and he doesn’t check we are there straight away whereas I am on pins when he has the kids in the car or checking he’s got to work ok when he rides his bike. I genuinely don’t think he realises, and he also thinks I’m over the top and catastrophise (which does have an element of truth)

I totally get you and replied earlier. I think I would like my husband to check because I know how I feel when he is out though - and it is because I’m a worrier and tend to spiral/catastrophise. And contrary to common MN belief this genuinely does not mean I’m a nutter!!

Lots and lots of people have called you "needy". Being in need of emotional connection is ok. Own it. It's a love language for you whilst it might not be for others and they throw this word "needy" like it's an insult. You're not being clingy , you're not being abusive or over emotional or controlling. You want to be wanted, caref for, shown YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE. UNFORTUNATELY your partner doesn't have the same love language as you and from experience it gets lonely and confusing if your love language/ communication doesn't match up. Move on xx there's someone out there that has the same needs as you ,and if there isn't it's better to be alone than misunderstood ❤️

These commenters need to up their standards. Why is it mind-boggling to these women that someone wants to feel looked after and to know their partner is interested in their safety and well-being? Is that just not a standard expectation of a partner?

I feel the ones who commented have some sort of stunted outlook on what it should feel like to be loved because their comments are actually quite mean and unnecessary.

You're not expecting too much. This is clearly your sort of love language or at least a part in how you can decipher how someone feels about you. That said, is this really something you can change in someone? Because him changing to this standard would only be forced. This is something you would want to come naturally, no? Only you can decide how important this is to you and whether it could be the downfall of your r'ship? Unless it's you that lowers your expectations? Is everything else he does enough to make you feel secure and give you what you want and need from a r'ship? Xo

No, it's definitely not normal loving behaviour.