Am I overstepping the mark and asking too much?

[Sweetieone]

We don’t live together but my partner of 2 years doesn’t ever seem concerned with my safety.. when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc..

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back. He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).

Honestly, it just bothers me, and I’ve told him that I’d like to know that someone is watching out for me, and that I find it odd that he doesn’t ask me anything about where I’m going etc..

He does try sometimes but sometimes forgets so it’s just not on his mind I guess. A few days ago, I had a horrible and upsetting argument/incident with my ex partner, and messaged him because I had a missed call from him to say I’m not alright and can he talk, then my phone died and by the time I got back to charge it, he’d gone to bed. The next morning he called me, he didn’t mention it or ask me if I was okay - until I brought it up (I thought I’d be the first thing he’d ask) and when I did, he said he just assumed that it had blown over.

I honestly don’t think I’m a needy person, I have a busy life and social life but I guess I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone. Generally though he’s a caring supportive partner but there seems to be some kind of gap or disconnect..

i honestly don’t know if it’s me or him but its becoming an issue for me now. I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets which kinda hammers it home. He say I “assumed” because you were out with a friend that you’d be okay or that he usually asks (he doesn’t)

maybe I need therapy so I can get over whatever it is that’s triggering this anxiety about him not wanting to know? Am I asking too much especially as we don’t live together.

Advice and perspective appreciated from you wise bunch of people 😊 thank you for reading

Was your ex controlling/abusive?

Just wondering because the level of checking up you seem to be expecting would be considered controlling rather than caring by most people.

The only person I know who asks me to text after a long drive is my mother, and she's only started doing it since Covid.

No-one else I know has ever asked me to do this and I don't ask other people to do it. (I have early twenties children).

In all seriousness, some people do long motorway commutes every day. Is the expectation that they check in twice a day with their husband/wife?

I personally would find that absolutely suffocating (and the only reason I indulge my mother is because she is 80. Anyone else would be told to sod off).

I do expect family and friends to care about me but texting after long motorway journeys isn't something I consider as caring.

And as for worrying because an adult woman has gone out to socialise after dark - well, words fail me. We don't live in a world where women are controlled and have to account for their movements to men - at least in the U.K.

After two years with my ex never asking if I had a nice night, or who I might be going out with, he could not name a single member of my friend group, where I did a weekly hobby or what I did when I was not with him.

When making my way back from his place to mine in a storm with all trains cancelled it took my Ex 4 days to reach out to me and then it was only to ask a favour.

I agree that's shit, but it's not what the op has described. Nobody is saying you should have stayed in a relationship with that selfish/careless man, so you don't need to defend yourself.

Honestly OP you are giving massive red flags.

If my DP said this to me I would genuinely reconsider the relationship.

As PPs have said, you want a parent and not a partner.

You can have someone care about you without asking where you’re going and how you’re getting home.
You are an adult not a child.

You are very needy and it’s like you’re trying to create problems.

I’m trying to be as gentle as I can, as I don’t want it to sound like an attack.

What is the relationship with your parents like?

What was your ex like and why are you still arguing with him?

Be careful what you wish for. My dh checks up on me - at first it seemed so sweet that he was interested and looking out for me.

We moved in and started to feel very controlling; he wasn’t jealous, he just had to know where I was and what I was doing every minute. If I went for drinks after work unexpectedly with the office team, he would message repeatedly - where am I, who am I with, am I drinking alcohol, exactly what time am I leaving, where is the car parked. He would phone and phone if I didn’t reply right away. When I replied he would then watch the time I was leaving and to the minute phone to check I had left, and badger me until I did.

Sometimes when I went shopping he would say “how can that have taken you five hours! which shops did you go in? … that should only have taken two hours why did you take so long?” And he’d actually expect me to recount how I took 20 mins finding the right length of trousers, and 40 mins queuing and having coffee in a cafe etc.

I managed to get him to back off but now he stalks me using “find my” on my iphone. And he tracks my dd too!

When I pointed out how controlling it felt he would say I’m being ludicrous and he’s just checking I’m okay.

So I guess you would be compatible with dh - you would feel loved. I feel reduced and “managed” when he does it - like I’m someone pathetic and incapable. My dd actually questioned if I was capable of taking her on a 1 hour drive the other day - I think she has picked up that dh doesn’t like me doing things without his supervision.

So OP personally I’d either dump
your dp or accept him. I’d vote for accept him.

To be honest, this is not at all what the OP was asking about. Neither it is what she is asking from her partner.
You have a very different kind of problem and you should seriously consider leaving.

Jesus Christ, why are you still with this creep?

Why should he worry constantly about your safety and well-being? Are you constantly finding yourself in danger or getting upset? That's not normal. It's your anxiety that imagines he should be constantly worrying about you. You are not his reckless teen daughter.

He sounds fab. You are a competent adult, OP - why does anyone need to check on your safety? If I'm out or away, my husband usually had very little idea where I am - and vice versa. Because we are both capable people, and don't need to be smothered.

Your DH sounds abusive and controlling. This is not all what OP is asking for.

My DH tends to check on me when I'm out but they are nice and caring messages that make me feel relaxed and cared for.

Maybe he assumes you are a competent adult who can drive safely on a motorway and organise their own social life adequately without support?

Could he be ND?

If this is just about your personal/physical safety, I think you are being unreasonable, not to say needy.

If, on the other hand, you feel that there is a general lack of care/caring and that you are not sure that he has your back, it's a very different concern, and entirely valid.

Did she say she needs someone to organise her social life or be responsible for her safety? Why do people have a need to twist what OP says just so they can belittle her ?

Oh I love how people pile on here.
OP I too am a very unneedy person and often feel suffocated just reading how people live their lives so closely, and often controlled.
But even I want a man who will check I'm okay and just take an interest. Think about me while I'm not with him. Some want, connectedness, passion. Yours just seems so indifferent.

There is no control or abuse here. There is nothing wrong with OP wanting her DH to check in on her, even if it's not typical. If I were him, I'd check in. It's no real effort, and she wants it.

I know! You’d text back something narky ‘I WAS asleep, since we are sharing our status’

MN go out of their way to be harsh and there is an air of sanctimony.

nope I wouldn’t put up with this. Your partner isn’t a partner and making it clear he doesn’t care. Get rid

There really are, very harsh comments, from people who will never understand.You don’t need to work on yourself😂
Years ago, I was only 18, was the start of getting to know someone, we weren’t in a relationship, just going dates.On the last date, we couldn’t get a taxi, so decided to walk, l walked him to his door, because it was on my way home (we weren’t at that point where l’d stay over)he said ok good night and left me to walk home on my own at 2am, it was a long walk back to mine.For me, that was a red flag, he didn’t care about my safety (back then mobile phones were just out, but not everyone had one, so it wasn’t like he could text me to check l got home ok) It just put me off.We were in the same friendship group, when we all met up again, told him, l didn’t want to see him again, one to one.
I do think this says a lot about someone, that they just don’t care and for me that’s not what l want in a relationship.

There’s a huge difference between walking home alone in the middle of the night - I would expect some sort of communication from him.

But it’s not normal to ask who’s party you’re going to and where it is etc and definitely not if you’re driving on the motorway.

He doesn’t need to know whose party it is or where it is. He should just tell OP to have fun.

He also doesn’t need to tell OP to let him know when she gets to her destination, when it’s nothing to do with him.
Surely OP can just text him to say she’s there and he’ll then reply.

If my DP did all of the things OP wants her DP to do, I would think he’s very controlling.

If my DP goes out for the night I just tell him to have fun and then wait for him to text me the next day when he’s slept off his hangover.
It wouldn’t even cross my mind to worry about him or want to know who he’s going with or how he’s getting home.

@gapattachment not defending myself at all but the thing is I posted something similar to OP (under an old name) because of the shit behaviour of my ex and was told, like OP, that his behaviour was completely normal and I was a needy, suffocating nightmare.

I wasn’t.

I was in a relationship with a man who simply did not care enough to be interested in my life or welfare when it was of no use to him. But as with OP I was mocked and called weak and needy and desperate for expecting what is basic common decency and stayed far longer than I should because I believed it was me who was the problem.

The irony is I am incredibly independent and self sufficient, but as with all of my relationships, I think reciprocal interest, care and attention are important.
I ask anyone leaving my home or on a night out to let me know they get home safely, particularly those who live alone. No one finds it suffocating.

But that doesn’t make for a pithy put down.

Absolutely this. I used to date a man who lived in Kent (I’m Essex/Herts border) we regularly drive back from each other’s but neither felt it necessary to text each other say ‘I’m home’ and visiting friends who live various distances away. I wouldn’t dream of telling a partner I’ve arrived home from a friends house especially if it’s late evening and they might be in bed. Doesn’t mean I don’t care or I’m not interested, it’s just not something I see as a big deal.

As for being out with friends, even in my long marriage, if either with out with mates we’d just tell each other in passing where we were going but that’s it. If I was as on a night out with girl friends I certainly wouldn’t text a partner when I got home late at night.

We’ve obvs got a different opinion on this, my understanding of the post is about safety, if your partner has got a long drive home, why wouldn’t you text them, just to check they got home ok.I’m not saying every journey, just after they’ve spent time with you.Also If someone is in a 2 year relationship, personally l would hope, they would show some interest in my life, that is not being controlling, strange, or asking too much.l don’t think this post is about, going out with friends, getting home and expecting, your boyfriend to be waiting up, for a text, which is what other people commenting are suggesting
I don’t think OP is being unreasonable you do and obvs that your opinion, but l don’t agree.

Of course, why would you need to be defending yourself!
For someone to say this to you, is insinuating that it’s your fault.Your comment, is relevant to this original post.I always wonder with MN who are these people commenting, obviously will never know because it’s anonymous.Are some of these comments coming from men, l just don’t get it, the need, for some commenter’s, to be so dismissive, turn it around onto the original poster, just to be rude and push their own views.
Yes, MN is about, others giving views, but not to the point where it’s ok to insult.Of course not everyone, are going to agree, point being it’s how the comment is delivered

I don’t believe you’re asking for too much. However, there’s a significant difference between a casual relationship and something like a marriage. My wife often says, “Let me know when you get home safe,” and it feels comforting to know someone cares about your well-being. That said, how it’s perceived can vary; some partners might view it as being overbearing.