Am I overstepping the mark and asking too much?

[Sweetieone]

We don’t live together but my partner of 2 years doesn’t ever seem concerned with my safety.. when I’m going in a long motorway drive he doesn’t just say the usual thing that most people say, like ‘let me know when your there’ etc..

If I go out at night alone to a see friends or go to a party, he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back. He doesn’t seem interested and just goes to bed (at around 830 because he gets up early for work).

Honestly, it just bothers me, and I’ve told him that I’d like to know that someone is watching out for me, and that I find it odd that he doesn’t ask me anything about where I’m going etc..

He does try sometimes but sometimes forgets so it’s just not on his mind I guess. A few days ago, I had a horrible and upsetting argument/incident with my ex partner, and messaged him because I had a missed call from him to say I’m not alright and can he talk, then my phone died and by the time I got back to charge it, he’d gone to bed. The next morning he called me, he didn’t mention it or ask me if I was okay - until I brought it up (I thought I’d be the first thing he’d ask) and when I did, he said he just assumed that it had blown over.

I honestly don’t think I’m a needy person, I have a busy life and social life but I guess I just find thar hurts me to think he can just carry on with his day or go to bed and sleep soundly knowing I’m out alone at night or that I’m stressed or that I’m going home alone. Generally though he’s a caring supportive partner but there seems to be some kind of gap or disconnect..

i honestly don’t know if it’s me or him but its becoming an issue for me now. I’ve communicated how I feel and that I’d like that from him, and he does sometimes try but often forgets which kinda hammers it home. He say I “assumed” because you were out with a friend that you’d be okay or that he usually asks (he doesn’t)

maybe I need therapy so I can get over whatever it is that’s triggering this anxiety about him not wanting to know? Am I asking too much especially as we don’t live together.

Advice and perspective appreciated from you wise bunch of people 😊 thank you for reading

I understand what you mean it would ne nice to feel cared about just a quick get home safely or how are you after the argument. Might just be his personality rather than he doesn't care , he's not a worrier and as you are an adult he probably does just assume you are ok

You are NOT needy. It's not that you need him to constantly check on you, you just find his complete lack of interest in your wellbeing and safety uncaring. Just because there are some women who would not be bothered doesn't make your needs wrong or childish.

I think you are incompatible. By reading here, there are lots of women (and men) like you. I’m not, I’m more like your DP. I could never be with someone like you, and you would get annoyed being with someone like me. If this is your red line, you will have to split up. Personally, if I really lived the guy, I’d live with this. But you can choose to walk away if this is something important to you in a tel.

If this is what you want from a partner then that's fair enough. You don't have to change yourself (and certainly not just in response to some judgy strangers on the internet!). The concern is that he doesn't seem to be able to give you what you want, so it appears the two of you are not compatible.

This!

If even a vague acquaintance told me that they weren’t okay and ask if I could call them but were then uncontactable, I’d be worried and checking in with them would be very high - if not top - of my list of priorities.

As for someone asking you to text to you then know you got somewhere safely at night - isn’t that totally normal? My friends do this, and parents, and almost anyone I ever socialize with? It just shows basic consideration.

I don’t think you’re at all needy OP. BUT some people are just really relaxed - he’s not doing anything wrong either if that’s just his personality

This, are you not wanting to be out and about and seeing friends and socialising?

I think it's both of you. Your need to be 'minded' and fussed over with texts is excessive, but he doen't seem to care much for you.

Requiring a check in after simply driving on a motorway as well as who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home or just to drop him a message once I’m back.

Absolutely not. Massively suffocating and controlling. Are you not glad he's not pestering you and tracking you?

OP YOU are deciding to go to events or make certain journeys. None of which sound dangerous or unusual. He is assuming you know what your doing. So why would he check up on you. If he did he d be accused of controlling behaviour no doubt.

Apart from any other check he isn’t making, this says it all for me.

As a family we all text to say we’re home safely or that we’re setting out (long distance only) so I absolutely get why it’s bothering you.
It’s not needy, it’s just courtesy, interest and care.

It's nice when someone shows concern for your wellbeing. My adult son always rings to ask if I got home OK if I've been visiting him.
I don't recall my ex husband ever did though. But then he was generally selfish and uncaring.
I think you have to think about whether he is long term partner material or not. We all need different things from a partner.

The first two examples you give in your OP are OTT in my opinion and frankly, if a friend's partner demanded to know whose party she was going to and needed to be notified when she got home afterwards, I'd advise her to dump his controlling arse.

The third example I think shows a lack of care. You'd explicitly said you were not OK and wanted to talk, to be fair I wouldn't expect him to go to bed without making sure you'd calmed down. And the least he could have done is ask about it the next day!

So I think it's perhaps a bit of both. You are quite needy and he very much lives in the moment. I suppose only you can decide whether it can be made to work?

Not looking for a parent at all, and not expecting him to keep his phone on or wait for texts - but I guess I’d like him to want to know I’m home safe. I guess it is a compatibility thing..

Tbh you want him to be controlling and that is not who he is.

@DoreenonTill8 if he was travelling back from mine late at night I would check he got home safely. When he was sick I checked in on him, got meds and food for him when he couldn’t manage it. Checked in on him when he was having family issues etc.

If expecting the same back is suffocating or needy, the bar is truly in hell when it comes to what we can expect of fully grown men as partners.

It’s no wonder so many of them behave like this when they’ve got the ‘I’m not needy like other girls’ crew are giving them the green light to move through life thinking of no one but themselves.

Demanded to know where I was going? No I’m just surprised that he doesn’t say, oh who’s party or show interest. Definitely would run a mile if he demanded to know. I think you misunderstood

Was your ex always checking up on you so you've got used to it? It might seem a nice thing to you, but it can also be signs of control and abuse.
Unless you are under 18, you should be capable of independently going about your business. Actually wanting a BF to know what you are doing all the time is a risky behaviour to wish for, you won't recognise a potential abuser when you see one, in fact you'll think he's ideal.

I’m an adult and I’ve been married for 15 years. I don’t expect Dh to message me unless there is some specific reason he thinks I’m not safe, and just being out in the evening like a regular adult is not a reason. I expect him to message by around midnight if he’s going to be later, because I don’t like waking up at 2am and finding he’s still not home and no message. I think that’s an ordinary level of anxiety and care and yours is a bit much, sorry. There’s no reason to assume an adult hasn’t got home safely, unless there’s something else going on like it’s a really dangerous area or a long iffy walk in the dark to get back.

Unless you live in Beirut or Gaza Strip what is it necessary for grown adults to tell each other they arrive home after a normal journey? I’ve never done that and it would drive me mad if someone expected me to.

I think post is being misinterpreted. I don’t want him to check up on me - all the time at all. I am capable of going out by myself and looking after myself, I’m a grown woman, and I don’t want him to want to know what I’m doing with my time all the time..! I literally don’t know how anyone can get that from my post. All I want was for him to want to know Im home safe after a night out or if I’m going on a long 5 hour motorway drive etc. I’m not asking to be patented or controlled. Honestly, why is everyone so judgy and quick to be mean

he doesn’t ask me who’s party it is, or where I’m going, who I’m going with or how I’m getting home

The more I read, the more worrying this is. Are there genuinely women out there who would consider this ‘caring’ as opposed to red flag behaviour? What sort of relationship models do these people have?!

It doesn’t feel needy to go out as an adult and go home without someone checking up on you. Id have dumped any boyfriend stat back in my dating days if they thought I owed them that.

You: everyone is so mean

Also you: this nonsense comment

OP, grow up.

So this guy is damned if he checks up on someone and also damned if he doesn't. Right.