Mother in law.

[CJ98]

I’ve been with my partner for two years now and I’ve slowly found his mother has changed to the point I don’t like having her around our baby girl. It’s the first granddaughter for her but I’ve found that she invites us to her house and will sit and drink wine so we have to find our own way home - my partner rides a motorbike & I don’t drive so having to find our own way home with a baby is difficult. We have a routine that most people will follow however a few weeks ago we were asked if she could have our daughter for a few hours which we agreed to - to then come home to find she’d given our baby 2 X 5 ounce bottles in the space of 1.5 hours, she then had the nerve to complain about how baby girl was being sick a lot. She’s also demanded that we go to her house for Christmas even though we both agreed we would love to do Christmas at home as it’s not only our first Christmas with a baby but also our first Christmas in our own house. She’s done this because it’s the only day off over the Christmas period my partner will have off work..
she’ll ask my partner for money but then critics us for the way we spend our money because in her eyes the money we earn should be going on our daughter.
she gets given opportunity and opportunity to come and see us at home knowing it’s hard for us to travel to her and everytime she declines but then sits and complains that she hardly sees us (we all know it’s our baby more than anything)
She has an opinion on everything we do and as first time parents we are already feeling overwhelmed by everything and her opinions seem to be causing more problems.
I feel like everytime I speak to my partner about her he gives me the impression I’m the one with the problem.

My honest first thoughts are put your big girl pants on and tell them both you are staying in your own home with your daughter at Christmas and they can both go do what they like !

You are fighting a battle here that you will not win, so I advise you not to try. This is your partners mother. Granted, nobody is perfect but have some respect for the woman who raised the man you surely love. You will end up making him feel that he has to choose and you will not like the outcome, even if he 'chooses you' there will be resentment bubbling under the surface and he will leave you when he realises your resentment for his mother.

I’ve told my partner if we are spending Christmas Day with his family then we will be spending Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with my family depending on the shifts he gets given over Christmas. I just don’t see how it’s fair his family spending Christmas Day with us (with it being our daughter first Christmas) and my entire family miss out. He knows my opinion on his mum & most of the time he agrees although I don’t always voice my opinion on her incase it’s coming across like I don’t want her around it’s just little things about her that frustrates me - more so the fact that my partner allows her to walk all over him and he doesn’t put his foot down or tell her.

It is his mother - it was his mother when you met him, when you married him and still when you decided to have a child with him. If you don't like her and it is a deal breaker for you...find a man whose mother you like more because it is not fair for you to comment your 'opinion' on his mother and expect him to 'put his foot down' or 'tell her' anything! Imagine how you would feel roles reversed?

'I just don’t see how it’s fair his family spending Christmas Day with us (with it being our daughter first Christmas)'
Because this is your partners family, and your daughters (their granddaughters) first Christmas. Should you family get priority over his? Why can't both of your families come together in one place on Christmas Day? Or alternate years? Or split the day; go to his mothers for half, meet your family at home (or theirs) latter half of day?

His mother wasn’t like this when we first started dating this has developed over the last few weeks since we had our daughter. My partner doesn’t say no to her, even if we have plans booked and then his mother wants us over there, rather than explaining we have plans he always agrees to go to hers meaning we have to cancel plans. If someone does something for us; his mother doesn’t like it and he sides with her. In my ideal world it would be that neither of them saw us on Christmas Day and it allowed it to just be me, my partner and our daughter. They’d all see us over the Christmas period as one would have seen us Christmas Eve and the other would have seen us Boxing day.

It's totally reasonable for you to tell her that since it's difficult for you to travel to her, you won't be. She might make out like you're being rude but it's worth it to avoid the hassle. You don't have to put up with it because she's your partners mum. You're the one with a young baby and you're the one that should be accommodated to. If you can please put your foot down and spend Christmas how you want to. I let my boyfriend steamroll me into spending Christmas at his parents with a day old baby and it was horrible and I still get privately angry about it now. If it's possible, you should learn to drive so you can remove yourself from the situations when you want to. That's what I'm doing x

She tried to get us to spend a week on holiday with her two weeks after we gave birth which thankfully my partner didn’t agree with so we got out of that situation. I have been thinking about learning to drive for a few years but I have really bad anxiety and it just throws me off doing it.

She sounds awful. I love the way you say "She tried to get us to spend a week on holiday with her two weeks after we gave birth which thankfully my partner didn’t agree with so we got out of that situation." It wasn't we gave birth, it was you gave birth! I think you are being expected to give in too much by her and your husband.

I'd tell your husband you want Christmas day in your own home with your baby. End of. I would also learn to drive and get a car so you have the freedom to do more things, or suggest that now your dh is a dad, maybe him driving a car instead of riding a bike would be a good idea.

I think you just need to make it clear you are a new mum and travelling to someone else's house, when you do not drive, is not great.

Be strong.

I honestly wish I was strong but I feel like we just give in to make her happy. If we decline her plans she acts like a child and throws a tantrum which then makes my partner feel bad. He works so I’m left in the house on my own all the time so she has plenty of opportunities to come and see us but because it’s not on her terms she isn’t happy and refuses.

"which then makes my partner feel bad." I think you need to explain to him that you are the mother of his child and his priority at the moment is to make life a bit easier for you.

If his mother drives, she can come to visit you and see her grandchild.

"He works so I’m left in the house on my own all the time so she has plenty of opportunities to come and see us but because it’s not on her terms she isn’t happy and refuses." Then let her refuse, or tell your partner to trade his bike in for a car so he can drive you all over there for a short while and home again.

I would also seriously suggest you learn to drive and try and get your own car, you are currently at the mercy of others and their choices, you need to be able to mobile yourself.

Did you write “a day old baby?”

Good God!! That is madness!! Unless you were treated like a Queen, I would also still be angry about it!!
My family were all males (lost my mum years before) but when I had my DS, I was indeed treated like a Queen, and I had first say as ‘mother of the baby’
Anything less with such a young baby is ridiculous.

I had massive anxiety about it too, I only started learning at the beginning of this year. After my first lesson I wasn't anxious anymore, I look forward to them now. It's a great feeling knowing you're becoming a bit more self reliant. I searched for instructors that would be patient with nervous drivers which definitely made a difference. Hopefully passing next month and I can't wait to do whatever I want on Christmas since I can drive me and my son. Please try and put your foot down, the first time I did I felt so much relief. Your responsibility is making your baby happy, not anyone else. If it helps just say that baby is on a strict nap schedule etc to get out of visits?

Yep. I hadn't even slept yet! No queen treatment either. It took me a few months to finally stand up for myself but God I look back now and think why did I stand for that?!

Sorry but everyone telling her she has to do compromise is a bit silly!!!

OP don't give in lesson learned here with my own mother. I hated my kids 2nd Christmas ruined by grandparents acting like children!!! It was unbearable.

Do Christmas how you want. And do it for you both.

Also take some accountability on drinking wine and not being able to get back home with a baby. Don't drink the wine.

I hadn’t even thought about searching for drivers who are patient or ones that will help with my anxiety. I’ll definitely look into it… & trust me we’ve tried everything with her. We’ve told her we have a routine that we want to stick to even when we are out just so it makes it easy on everyone if something was to happen and someone else was to look after our daughter & everytime we go to her house she throws everything out and we have to deal with our daughter being unsettled.

We’ve started telling her that if she’s going to have us over she either doesn’t touch the wine.. or she simply drops us off at home & then starts drinking the wine. It isn’t fair on us to be taken to hers and then have to make our own way home simply because she wants a glass or two of wine.

His mother does drive and she was at our house everyday after we gave birth (both unannounced & not something we wanted) & now she doesn’t seem to want to come to ours but makes us feel bad that she doesn’t seem her grandchild.

I think you’re being really selfish about Christmas. Why on earth can’t your mother in law see you on Christmas Day? Your daughters first Christmas isn’t THAT big of a deal and if you think it is, why are you determined everyone will miss out on it?! Just let everyone come over on Christmas?! Or if your own family are busy then do as you said and see your own family Boxing Day. It’s SUCH a non issue. The whole Christmas period is several days! Plenty of time to see everyone!

I also think YABU expecting your MIL to act as your personal taxi service every time you visit - that’s a bit much. I don’t expect to have to taxi home everyone who visits me? If you’re insisting though, just say “Sorry MIL but we can’t visit unless you can drop us home as it’s too expensive to take a cab each time.” Done. With a baby though, it might be sensible for your partner to lose the motorbike and for you two to get a family car if you’re very reliant on others for lifts. As you can’t really expect people not to have a glass of wine of an evening in their own home because you don’t want to pay for a cab!

"We" gave birth?

Sorry it’s just a habit to say that we (me and my partner) gave birth. It just feels weird to me to be saying I gave birth even though it was just me that gave birth. 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Christmas is a massive deal considering my partner will be working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day so the only full day we’d have together should and would be Christmas Day. I don’t think I’m being selfish for wanting to spend the only full day my partner has over the Christmas period as just us three.
My daughter’s first Christmas is a massive deal for me personally it might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it’s the time where we can start having our own family traditions. Maybe having a first Christmas isn’t a massive deal to you but for myself personally it is. I’m not wanting everyone to miss out on it, I’m wanting to make sure that our Christmas is spent as a family like everyone else gets to do. I completely understand that Christmas is all about family time etc but like you say Christmas is over a few days, last Christmas she had us over on Boxing Day so why does she need us over on Christmas Day this year.
It’s not that we don’t want to pay for a cab, I’ve happily said I’ll take a cab home but it’s the fact she invites us over. It’s not like we are expected to go over every day, we’ve literally said we’d go over once a week if it was to make her happy and If she wants a glass of wine in the evening then she can drop us off before she cracks the wine open I honestly don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

It’s time to make it clear what you want to do and follow through. Why has your partner still got a motorbike when you need a car? I can’t believe he’d leave you to make your own way home - he’s as selfish as his mother.
Yes have driving lessons and look at some assertiveness courses too - you do what’s best for yourself and advocate for your daughter. No way would o leave.a baby with a wino.

I don't know I can imagine this from the mil perspective, the only way I can see my son and grandchild is if I drive there or if I pick them up and drop them off meaning she is always driving and you guys don't put any effort yourself into facilitating the relationship. out of curiosity how far away does she live from you that you are expecting to do all the driving?

I think Xmas you are entitled to do what you want but as someone who DH does shifts and has to work over Xmas sometimes, don't shoot yourself in the foot by only allowing grandparents to see their grandchildren when your partner is working, you may find yourself spending some Xmas alone if they think their time is only worthy enough when dad isn't around..I'm thankful that even when my DH is working that the grandparents want to spoil and see my kids at Xmas but I can see how they could become resentful at being expected to always drive and always be dictated by you as to when they can see their own son and grandkids evey Xmas. You say MiL can see the kids when your partner is working but she may want to see her son when he is off over Xmas?

She's not your taxi service. You need to organise your own transport and stop expecting people to drive you around.

Christmas just say no and that you will see her Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

If you don't trust her to follow your rules don't leave baby with her.

But the grandmother is insisting they come. When she says jump to it, they change prearranged plans to accommodate her orders or she spits the dummy.
This is a slippery slope.
Mummy's boy needs to support OP, & say.
Sorry not possible, "Why dont you drop in for tea on Tuesday...."