Mother in law.

[CJ98]

I’ve been with my partner for two years now and I’ve slowly found his mother has changed to the point I don’t like having her around our baby girl. It’s the first granddaughter for her but I’ve found that she invites us to her house and will sit and drink wine so we have to find our own way home - my partner rides a motorbike & I don’t drive so having to find our own way home with a baby is difficult. We have a routine that most people will follow however a few weeks ago we were asked if she could have our daughter for a few hours which we agreed to - to then come home to find she’d given our baby 2 X 5 ounce bottles in the space of 1.5 hours, she then had the nerve to complain about how baby girl was being sick a lot. She’s also demanded that we go to her house for Christmas even though we both agreed we would love to do Christmas at home as it’s not only our first Christmas with a baby but also our first Christmas in our own house. She’s done this because it’s the only day off over the Christmas period my partner will have off work..
she’ll ask my partner for money but then critics us for the way we spend our money because in her eyes the money we earn should be going on our daughter.
she gets given opportunity and opportunity to come and see us at home knowing it’s hard for us to travel to her and everytime she declines but then sits and complains that she hardly sees us (we all know it’s our baby more than anything)
She has an opinion on everything we do and as first time parents we are already feeling overwhelmed by everything and her opinions seem to be causing more problems.
I feel like everytime I speak to my partner about her he gives me the impression I’m the one with the problem.

You partner sounds like the problem. I think you need to ease off. And reduce contact with MIL.

if he wants to visit his MIL then let him.

you’ll feel better for reducing contact. I think if you want to alternate Xmas between family you should. Have a frank discussion with your partner about your feelings and the future.

I would stick to your guns and spend Christmas day just the 3 of you. If you need help with transport and MIL is prone to drinking wine, there is unlikely to be a lift home Christmas day for you when a lot of people generally drink anyway. And getting home Christmas day would be difficult because there would be no buses and taxis would be over-priced. It’s not selfish to spend Christmas day as a family unit.
I would tell your partner it would be impossible to get home that day and just stick to that.

Apologies if I have missed it but is your DH an only child and does your MIL have a partner?

My partner only has a bike as he uses it to get too and from work, we have been speaking about me doing my driving lessons so it gives us the freedom it’s just taking me some time to book lessons due to anxiety & with the shifts he works he doesn’t have the time to be doing lessons himself.

I’ve already spoken to him about everything and how I want us to feel like a family without having everyone around all the time. I completely understand that there’s more than just us in the family but nothing is ever done on our terms it has to be done on his mums. When we first had our daughter she found ways and means of coming to our house every day without us even asking & now it’s like it’s too much for her to come to us we have to go to her.

OP, you have clearly had a child very quickly in this relationship and found to your cost that he is a weak man that will put his mother ahead of you and your child.

You need to assert yourself.
You do not ask him for things, you TELL him what is happening.

No one can physically force you to go to his mothers house, so you need to stop visiting her.

Keep your family and friends close to you as relationships like this rarely go the distance.

Yes, if MIL cant keep off the booze, how would you get home on Xmas day. Tell her you will not be getting a bus home on Xmas day with you baby, wont be spending the money on a taxi when you could be at home in the warm as you originally intended.
You have more power than you think.
If she pushes & demands explications, you say.
No, We want to stay at home & make our own traditions. why not come over for tea? (with my parents?)
She will be probably use all sorts of tactics. Walk away, Grey Rock,
"It doesn't work fir us" & repeat

The OP doesn't want to go to her MIL's house but MIL won't come to their's. OP would be happy just to stop at home so if MIL insists that they come to her house, she should be willing to drive them.

We wouksnt be able to get home Christmas Day. Buses don’t run and taxi services will charge an arm and a leg to get us home, they can charge whatever they want on Christmas Day. The taxi journey on a normal day is close to £25 so it would probably be double maybe even triple that on Christmas Day.
in order for both families to spend Christmas with us I wanted to do one family saw us on Christmas Eve (even if we went to there’s) & the other saw us on Boxing Day so we could have spent Christmas Day as just the three of us.

I’ve told him if we go to his mums then she brings us home as I’m not spending money on a taxi especially when I’d have a 5 month old baby & buses won’t be running. If she’s wanting to drink wine then she can drop us off home early so she can have the wine. We don’t have to be at hers all day and she can have the wine once we leave

I was in similar situation once, but it was not Christmas Day.
We had gone to the in-laws years ago, they “liked a drink”. One of them promised to stay sober for the couple of hours we were there to drop us back to the train station as there were no buses/taxis where they were and the train station was over an hour walk away. They “accidently forgot”, drank several drinks and we ended up trapped there overnight, so be warned! Even if she says she will stay sober, she might not. I really wouldn’t trust that.

I’m so worried about being stuck at hers as she doesn’t have the space for us to stay the night & we wouldn’t have anything with us to stay the night as we wouldn’t be planning on staying. I’m so worried that she’ll end up drinking and it would mean someone else would have to either come and pick us up from hers or she’d get someone else to drop us off.

Can you frame it as like "we wouldn't be comfortable impeding on your ability to enjoy yourself as you'd have to be sober to drive us home, so we'll stay home so you can have fun" ?

Not sure she's doing anything wrong tbh. Isn't she just being a normal partners mum? Sightly irritating but means well?

God forbid you had to find your own way home. You sound young and immature OP, honestly I think you're being quite unreasonable.

Is it just MIL? If she wants to see you Xmas Day, she comes to you. It is madness expecting 3 people including a small baby to travel on public transport compared with 1 adult with a car!

This.
I'ask' my DIL about visiting her children.
It just polite good manners -

@CJ98
Boundaries and self respect. Stop saying 'we' gave birth, YOU did. You are the mother and you are caring for your DD.

Your DP needs to get a spine and stand up to his mum/support you.

And the relationship is quite new still, 2 years in and baby/house? You've not had long to know MIL really, perfect time to establish your limits.

I’ve known him 10 years and his mother has never been this bad. It was like once we got a house and had a baby it completely changed everything. He did everything when he lived at home and she could rely on him all the time so it makes me wonder if she’s (I hate to say it) but maybe a little bit jealous that he isn’t around anymore and he has his own life & other people “rely” on him.

I’m being unreasonable because I’ll have a 5 month old baby & would possibly have to find my own way home on Christmas Day when no taxis or buses will be running, in the freezing cold. I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable for just asking her to drop us off home and not to have a glass of wine until she’s dropped us off. She lives over an hour away from us so I’m not sure how we’d even get home on Christmas Day but sure I’m being unreasonable. I don’t see how I’m being unreasonable for wanting to stay at home with a 5 month old baby rather than dragging her out in the cold and potentially being left at a house that wouldn’t accommodate us.

I think your right for Xmas to hold your ground and say we are not travelling anywhere and want to stay at home for Xmas but you are welcome to visit us as I know it's your son's only day off at Xmas so you want to see him. (Remember he is her son too).

But if your MIL lives over an hour away I can see why she might be drinking wine to avoid taking you home if she's already picked you up and done 2 hours of driving.

Will you ever go over to your MIL without her having to pick you up/drop you off as I can see why she may become resentful at you if that's the only way she can see you. You can't honestly expect her to always travel to you. Its a two way process to facilitate a relationship.

Learn to drive! Don't give his mom money !

His mum always comes for us early on a morning so we spend most of the day at hers and we don’t get home until like 9pm at night and that’s when someone else drops us off at home. Ive said if she wants the wine she can drop us off around 4-5pm so that she still has time to go home and have some wine. We used to travel and get taxis which came out at nearly £40 a time which she said she wasn’t having us doing anymore. I don’t mind doing it if it’s once a week but when it’s multiple times a week she wants us to go and see her we cant be affording that in taxis all the time.

We wouksnt be able to get home Christmas Day

You would if your DH traded in his bike for a car.

We used to travel and get taxis which came out at nearly £40 a time which she said she wasn’t having us doing anymore. I don’t mind doing it if it’s once a week but when it’s multiple times a week she wants us to go and see her we cant be affording that in taxis all the time.

You must have been spending 120 - 180 a week on taxis!

And you had to stay there from the morning until 9 at night? Sometimes finding your own way home?

Ye gods, woman, you've been remarkably patient.