Mother in law.

[CJ98]

I’ve been with my partner for two years now and I’ve slowly found his mother has changed to the point I don’t like having her around our baby girl. It’s the first granddaughter for her but I’ve found that she invites us to her house and will sit and drink wine so we have to find our own way home - my partner rides a motorbike & I don’t drive so having to find our own way home with a baby is difficult. We have a routine that most people will follow however a few weeks ago we were asked if she could have our daughter for a few hours which we agreed to - to then come home to find she’d given our baby 2 X 5 ounce bottles in the space of 1.5 hours, she then had the nerve to complain about how baby girl was being sick a lot. She’s also demanded that we go to her house for Christmas even though we both agreed we would love to do Christmas at home as it’s not only our first Christmas with a baby but also our first Christmas in our own house. She’s done this because it’s the only day off over the Christmas period my partner will have off work..
she’ll ask my partner for money but then critics us for the way we spend our money because in her eyes the money we earn should be going on our daughter.
she gets given opportunity and opportunity to come and see us at home knowing it’s hard for us to travel to her and everytime she declines but then sits and complains that she hardly sees us (we all know it’s our baby more than anything)
She has an opinion on everything we do and as first time parents we are already feeling overwhelmed by everything and her opinions seem to be causing more problems.
I feel like everytime I speak to my partner about her he gives me the impression I’m the one with the problem.

Honestly OP I would not be getting buses or taxis on Christmas day.

I would tell your partner and his mum that Christmas day you will be at home with baby.

If your MIL wants to visit, I would make that possible, if you can accept that. She can stay sober and drive home or maybe she could have a few drinks and sleep on your sofa.

This is your first Christmas with your baby, make it fun and how you want it.

Okay that sounds unbearable to have to go several times a week and you've shouldn't have to pay that much on taxis. I'd maybe just try and curb visits to once s week but every 3rd week or so you will make your own travel arrangements so that's it's not all on MIL to do the driving.

Stand up to both of them. Tell your mother in law why you are upset by her behaviour and your partner that your expect him to have your back. You need to nip this behaviour ( from both of them) in the bud. Good luck.

I totally see what the OP is saying here and not quite sure why people are saying things which is only going to undermine their confidence 🤔

Tell her to do one ! And your partner. Sounds like you are vulnerable at this moment in time having just given birth.

Your husband married tou not his mother it's time he grew a pair and protected his wife and child from the inconvenience you are being caused by her.

Stay home don't go and visit her if she wants to see the baby she can come to you. End of.

You definitely need to build your confidence in decision making and standing your ground. You are a mother now and your little girl needs a role model not a door mat.

Sending courage and hugs. Don't stand for it do you!😘

I think it sounds like you have thought of everything possible to try and get what you as a family need from Christmas and still be inclusive for the rest of the family.

I totally get what you are saying and feeling and just want to say, stick to your guns if you can.
MiL sounds very expectant and needs to realise that although this may be her wishes, perhaps they aren't yours.
What does your partner say about the Christmas day visit? Does he want to spend time at home just the 3 of you? Is he one to do as he is told by his mum and put his ideal scenario to one side?

This is really stressing you out and it's not fair. All for what is meant to be the happiest time of year!

Your partner sounds like they don't get much time off from the shifts, and really important you both have a chat and reach a compromise you both can assert to.

I guess no one is right or wrong as such but it's your thoughts and feelings that matter. If you just get bulldozed into doing things, it's going to undermine your confidence. Don't be manipulated and guilt tripped. Easier said that done sometimes.

We’ve started telling her that if she’s going to have us over she either doesn’t touch the wine.. or she simply drops us off at home & then starts drinking the wine. It isn’t fair on us to be taken to hers and then have to make our own way home simply because she wants a glass or two of wine.

Please don't with the "it's not fair" comment. It's not the responsibility of other people to have to chauffeur you around because you and your DP haven't learnt to drive a car.

Otherwise I'd be reminding your DP that he's left home and has a family of his own who should be his main priority now. If he wants to side with his mother against you all the time, or change plans to meet her demands, then he can move back in with her. Aside from the driving issue, most of this - as is so typical on Mumsnet - is a DP issue, because he's too weak to stand up to his mother.

You are both being a bit unreasonable.

She shouldn't be able to force you to spend Christmas with her if you don't want to. It's totally fine to just say that doesn't work for you this year.

But if you don't drive and your partner only rides a motorbike, you need to find a way of getting yourselves to places by public transport, or get a family car. It's ridiculous to expect an invitation to visit your MIL to include her picking you up, bringing you to her house, and then taking you home again afterwards. You and your partner are adults with a baby, you need to stop behaving like 15 year olds who need lifts everywhere because there's no bus where they live.

How awful. She invites you to her home. Minds your child. Wants to spend Christmas with you.

I don't know how you cope.

You'll be a MIL one day OP. Think on.

You are going to have to learn to stick up for yourself, state what you are doing on Christmas day and don't change your plans for anyone. You want Christmas day at home and that's what will happen.

Do what's best for you and your baby, no arguments.

Your partner can visit his mum on his bike, or she can visit you for a few hours. That's more than reasonable. x

If you are planning to learn to drive, you're going to need a car anyway. Why can't your DP drive it until you learn to drive? Presumably he doesn't only have a motorbike license.

I second leaning to drive. I was very nervous, but it does get easier with practice.Once your DD starts activities and gets invited to playdates/parties with other children it will be really inconvenient and you won't want to be the parent that relies on everyone else for lifts without being able to reciprocate. And once you can drive, you can take the power back from MIL and choose how long you want to visit for.

OP you are NOT being selfish by wanting to spend the only full day you have together over Christmas with your partner and your baby. Parents and in laws should be fitted around what YOU want as a family, otherwise you will never be able to establish your own Christmas traditions with your own family in your own home!

And your partner needs to get a car to transport his family! (Or a sidecar for the bike, if such things still exist!)

These really are non issues.
did you tell her how often baby feeds?
she’s asking to see you and the baby, showing interest. If she wasn’t doing this I’m sure your thread would be how she can’t be bothered.

so what if she wants a few glasses of wine. Your both adults arrange your own transport.

as for Xmas ‘ we would love to spend Xmas with you, but as it’s baby’s 1st we want to stay home, cosy and enjoy it. You are more than welcome’

are you both young op? Because it all sounds abit childish.

stop bitching about your partners mother. You will be upsetting him and she hasn’t really done anything wrong. Are you jealous?

Why is it not fair? She isn’t your taxi

I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking along these lines. Everyone else saying stick up for your self OP. like she’s being bullied. Jesus.

I would gently pull back !! Just go less, have something on that keeps you busy. I would advise getting back to work even part time when you can do you are not beholden to anyone else.

I keep a respectful distance with my in laws- decent people but very old fashioned and set in their ways. I don’t have tonnes in common with their views (eg religious, think women are less valuable) but i am polite when I visit but it’s on my terms. Sometimes I bring my own car and come home early to do ‘work’

If you want Christmas at home invite her to yours. If she wants to see her grandchild ask her to visit. It may sound harsh but put it on her.

OP l am surprised at the posters who have advised you to humour your awful MiL and dance to her tune. Her son sounds completely dominated by her and she is not respecting you at all.
For Christmas day, just let her know that you are staying at home and she is very welcome to join you. If she drives she will just need to abstain from drinking for that day or you could offer to pay for her to get a cab home.
Firm boundaries are needed here as she sounds a very strong character. Also your partner should get a car instead of a motorbike and you ought to learn to drive to so you can be more independent now you're a family.

You havn’t got a MIL problem, you’ve got a partner problem.
He decides to change plans if his mother invites you /him round. (You could say I’m sticking to our original plan).
He decides to give his mother money when she asks for it.
As for the transport issue: it’s not your MIL’s issue that your partner drives a motorbike leaving you and child to rely on others. How do you get there? How do you go places as a family? It’s time YOU and DP get a car (and time for you to learn how to drive so you’re more independent).
As for Christmas: MIL asked you to come over (it might have sounded demanding) but you have every right to decline. You are allowed to want to spend it with your own little family. Be an adult and say you’re celebrating Christmas at home. You can always invite her to yours if you wish.

So when you mother in law came over to you daily you complained and did not wa't her there now she does not come over you complain and want her there you need to make up your mind here why does your family get priority over your partner family can see tjis poor child being used as a weapon/leverage in years to come

So when you mother in law came over to you daily you complained and did not wa't her there now she does not come over you complain and want her there you need to make up your mind here why does your family get priority over your partner family can see tjis poor child being used as a weapon/leverage in years to come

is there a reason neither of you drive a car?

it must be difficult with a baby to get about and do shopping, spend days as a family together, meet other parents at mother and baby groups and travel to family and friends.

If you could resolve this it would give you more autonomy and freedom surely?

Just tell your partner to tell his mother that you are staying
At home for Christmas. We did our DS first Christmas travelling hours to stay with family. What a nightmare. Tell your MIL she is welcome to visit Christmas eve or Christmas day. Stick to your decision. She is not in charge of your life. Personally I eould tell her to visit you until your Child is older and easier to manage. And maybe get rid of the motorbike snd invest in a car.

No I don't agree.
@CJ98 you'd be better off just telling them you're having Christmas at home.
They can drop in if they want.
But you need to start putting boundaries down because it will only get worse.

Regarding visiting have a plan in place on how you will get home.