Mother in law.

[CJ98]

I’ve been with my partner for two years now and I’ve slowly found his mother has changed to the point I don’t like having her around our baby girl. It’s the first granddaughter for her but I’ve found that she invites us to her house and will sit and drink wine so we have to find our own way home - my partner rides a motorbike & I don’t drive so having to find our own way home with a baby is difficult. We have a routine that most people will follow however a few weeks ago we were asked if she could have our daughter for a few hours which we agreed to - to then come home to find she’d given our baby 2 X 5 ounce bottles in the space of 1.5 hours, she then had the nerve to complain about how baby girl was being sick a lot. She’s also demanded that we go to her house for Christmas even though we both agreed we would love to do Christmas at home as it’s not only our first Christmas with a baby but also our first Christmas in our own house. She’s done this because it’s the only day off over the Christmas period my partner will have off work..
she’ll ask my partner for money but then critics us for the way we spend our money because in her eyes the money we earn should be going on our daughter.
she gets given opportunity and opportunity to come and see us at home knowing it’s hard for us to travel to her and everytime she declines but then sits and complains that she hardly sees us (we all know it’s our baby more than anything)
She has an opinion on everything we do and as first time parents we are already feeling overwhelmed by everything and her opinions seem to be causing more problems.
I feel like everytime I speak to my partner about her he gives me the impression I’m the one with the problem.

OP with respect if you don't put your foot down now you are never going to.
You want Christmas at home with your husband and baby. This is perfectly acceptable. So what if she tantrums and sulks. She's a grown adult. Tell your partner no, this is not what I want and that you won't spend the rest of your life being guilted in to do things to make others happy.

What a ridiculous comment. We can see that's not at all what you're saying. Your baby is very young and being reliant on public transport it's not an unreasonable worry, never mind the cost.

Honestly, do what is best for you and your little family. If DH can't stand up to his mum, it's time for you to learn to assert yourself and draw some boundaries. It may not come natural annd you may have to do some personal development. And she'll put up some resistance, but no one should guilt trip and manipulate you for their own selfish needs.

Looking ahead, do you want your daughter to forfeit her own needs and be pushed around as she navigates the world? No? Bear in you will be her role model and she'll take the lead from you. Good luck. Xx

We used to go to PIL for Christmas day, until my daughter started wanting to stay at home-she wanted to play with all of her shiny new toys, and it got me thinking back to when I was younger and wanted to do the same. So now we stay at home for Christmas day and the whole family go to the in laws on Boxing day. Hubby and I also don't drive so either FIL, SIL or BIL drive us home, I suppose this means they don't have a drink but honestly, for the one day we would just get a taxi if they wanted to have a glass or two. The way you have described her drinking sounds very much like she has an addiction, why would you tell people you're giving them a lift home and then purposely drink alcohol?! I totally understand why you wouldn't want to get a taxi home every week though, the money would soon add up and didn't your MIL say you should be spending your money on your daughter?
If you're going there every week I would make arrangements to get public transport home and leave at a time suited to YOU, stop relying on her to take you home so she is still seeing her GD but on your terms, and she can have a drink if she wants to. If she wants to see her more I would let her know she is welcome to pop in but you can't let her dictate your life and change plans to suit her all the time. You need to say 'We can come to you on such and such day' and let her agree or disagree. She's continuing to control your DP life because you're both allowing it to happen, you need to have a discussion with him and tell him what you're willing to do.

Bullshit. A real man chooses his wife over his mother when she is being unkind to the mother of his child and treating his child badly. He can, and should tell her to sort herself out or she won't be looking after baby anymore.

How on earth can you think it's acceptable for a woman to force feed a baby until she's sick then not let the babies mother stand up for the baby and tell her no just because she's his mother?

There are plenty of mothers who get cut off by their adult children for being bad people, this MIL could well end up being one of them. Telling a new mother she has to tolerate this shit because her husband will always choose his mother is both factually incorrect and cruel.

usual comment, you have a partner problem.

Your MIL is adapting to her son no longer living with her, and making a very bad job of it. She no longer has him at her beck and call and is probably more lonely too. Unfortunately, she's making things worse for herself by turning to alcohol. Her drinking is limiting what she can or will do. No way should you ever consider leaving your baby with her alone, she's already proved to be untrustworthy.
The only reason she wants you to come to her is so that she can drink and I'm sure she fully intends to over Christmas. You will get stranded at any point you go to her.
I'd say Christmas is about family though and usually much better shared - if the inlaws get on. If she lives on her own it will be sad for her being on her own on Christmas day while she is still unable to adapt to the changes. So I'd invite both sides of the family to yours on Christmas day. You may well find that your DP's mum declines this because she'd have to stay sober and drive home after. That is on her, you've done your bit, it's her choice not to be there. Any complaints about your parents being there and you just point out that she was invited but turned it down.
What's her life been like since your DP left her home? Has she got a social life? Does she still work? If not, she needs encouraging to form new connections - it will do her and you a favour in the long run.
In general, put your foot down and tell her she has to come to you to visit. It is out of order to make you have to go home with a baby alone. Hold out, she will most likely cave first after not seeing you for a while, ignore any complaints, just let it flow over you.
Long term, one of you needs to learn to drive, and this could of been planned in advance, as once you knew you were pregnant the difficulties could be foreseen. You say you are stuck at home with your baby, do you not live near any baby groups? Are you rural? It's really important to form connections and socialise your baby asap. Make friends with other mums. Are you on mat leave and going back to work at some point? You really need to start thinking of the future now you have your own family. It looks like there has been a lack of planning in that regard so far.

Learn to drive

Say you've already made Xmas plans.

Let your partner take baby in the week as you stay at home.
sounds like MIL may be an alcoholic if her personality has changed.

Stand up for yourself now. It will only get worse if not.

your partner is a massive problem as he needs to be the one to put his mother in her place. If he isn’t it is down to you to say it. She clearly doesn’t care about how you feel on these situations so don’t think about her feelings.

If you don’t want to go you need to start speaking up and say no. It will be hard at first but you will feel better for it. And don’t let her have the baby by herself if she isn’t going to look after properly.

There's a bit of a whiff on this thread of 'respect your elders', but respect works both ways. You must look after yourself and your baby first OP, I say this as an elderly woman who thinks you've been far too accommodating already.

Some of the comments here are utterly insane. This woman is throwing tantrums when she can't get her own way because she knows darling son will jump on command and rush to make mummy feel better.

Those of you who can't see what a fucking nightmare situation that is have never had time deal with a MIL like her. The way you all change the phrasing to manipulate the context is also really telling.

She didn't offer to watch the baby. She asked to have the baby at her house, alone. That's a big difference, first of all, but even if it wasn't, simply watching someone else's child does not make you saintly if you specifically ignore the instructions given to you about how to care for that child.

Insisting someone spend Christmas day at your house when they're the ones with a young baby, because you can't be bothered to get off your backside and go to their house, is brattish behaviour. I don't know who this woman thinks she is, but OP, you had better let her know she's not the queen of the family before this gets out of hand. Do not go to her house on Christmas day. If you do, she will walk all over you for the rest of your short marriage, which is what it will be when it becomes easier to leave him than to endlessly fight against his mother.

I do like your husband as a son tbh I have two boys is your MIL alone ?Sounds like your husband is trying to give his mother some company or make her not feel lonely.I know old people can be determined and want things there certain way but resisting them would do no good try to team up with her.My MIL is very verbally disrespectful if yours isn't like that then difference can be worked out.

If you don't drive, how are you even supposed to get there and back on Christmas day? I'm guessing buses won't be running. (Not sure if you live in London if the tube is still running.)

She sounds awful OP. Just ignore the posts saying she's a normal MIL. Any normal, reasonable person would not cause this much hassle. I think if you're having to spend hours asking advice and coming up with strategies on how to deal with someone, you're probably dealing with a personality disordered individual, or at least a very emotionally immature one.

She'd be asking what you want to do, not insisting that everyone does what she wants. Especially at this time, when you have a baby, she should be more accommodating. Yes it's annoying driving people around, but she won't visit you and she knows that you can't get home. Besides, it isn't just this is it? You say she criticises everything you do.

I know what it's like because I have one of these as a mother.

Well she overfed the Abby until she was sick and can't stay sober while looking after her, so there's that.

But it's not fair. The MIL knows they don't have a car, then instead of visiting them, insists on picking them up and taking them to her house. If she insists that she takes them to her house because she doesn't want to be at their house then it is her responsibility to also take them home. So it is definitely not fair for her to take them away from their home and then deliberately drink so that she cannot take them back when they are only there to please her in the first place.

She overfeeds the baby until she is sick. Can't stay sober while watching her and strands then at their house by drinking after insisting they come over because she won't visit them. It is awful. Not sure why you think any of this behaviour is reasonable, something to be grateful for or behaviour the OP will repeat in future towards her DIL.

Stand your ground on what YOU want for YOUR Christmas this year. Seriously. If your partner wants to continue pleasing his mother over his wife then let him, he can go to mummy's for Christmas and maybe then he will see just how unreasonable and unfair she is being. She will spend the whole day complaining about you and how you've stopped her seeing her grandchild - hopefully he will stand up for you and back you up on your reasons, but if he comes home and has a go at YOU for staying home, warm, and in your own familiar environment with freedom to do what you want, with a 5 month old baby for your first Christmas as a parent, then I'm sorry but you need to rethink the relationship. He left home and got married. There should be a new woman as priority in his life, and it ain't his mum.

You need to learn to drive too, and really drive it into him that he gets rid of that bike. There's no way he can't find time to let you get driving lessons, or get them himself, unless he's working a 90 hour week?! I work shifts and there's always time for important things like that. You have a child, a car isn't a necessity but it sure as hell helps when you want to go out anywhere. When that baby gets a bit older and you want to go to the zoo or for a day out to a park, you're going to drag a pram and all your baby stuff and possibly a picnic onto a bus or into a taxi? If you can afford a car then trust me, it makes it 10 times easier.

Those saying you're unreasonable have either never had kids or are just as selfish as your MIL. Who invites someone over, offers to drive them there and back, and then drinks so they can't take them - a BABY - home? A selfish, inconsiderate cow, that's who. You don't need that in your life, and if that's how it's been for only 2 or 3 months, it's going to get a lot worse the older that child gets. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about when it comes to selfish, entitled, self centred MILs!

I don't normally quote back but this has actually annoyed me.

Just because she's his mum doesn't mean she raised him, in any way, shape or form. She may have been in the house, but who's to say it wasn't his dad or an older brother or even another relative who actually brought him up? Reaching but that's just for starters.

My husband was raised by his mother. And he got out as soon as he could because he can't stand her. Neither of us can, she makes out family is the most important thing to her but when push comes to shove she picks friends or even work over her own kids. Both sons joined the military to get away from her, both daughters moved out to their useless and mostly absent dad to get away from her. She raised all 4, but none of them can stand her - OPs MIL does NOT get a free pass to call the shots, overfeed her grandchild, drink so she can't drop them off AFTER OFFERING TO, and criticise DILs parenting just because she may have raised her son. That is batshit logic if I ever heard it.

If you’re visiting someone you need to sort out your own way home. Cab or whatever. If you want to do that, don’t visit.🤷‍♀️

It’s hard when things build up-you both need to learn to get on because otherwise you’re in for a lonnnggg battle!!! The milk thing is totally my mum and mil-my mum admitted since that the advice was always a full baby is a happy baby, so they honestly just kept feeding!!

On the Christmas thing find a middle ground- she’s used to spending Christmas with her son, you need to spend it with your husband and child, either she visits, you all visit for a certain amount of time etc etc

The advice- she may honestly be trying to help- sometimes smiling and nodding then saying oh that’s cool, I’m just going to do such and such though, that what I know!

On the travelling- she’s older or just old fashioned-next time she gives out say cool when are you coming over? Or try to get to her, it is good for your child to know gps.

other thing is honest to god some day you’ll see her pov (I’m 44 and am SHOCKED at how many things now I do the same as dm and dmil or how wrecked my body is so I realised I assumed they’d be on the same page but they couldn’t!!) Best of luck op!

She quite clearly said she doesn't want to visit but MIL insists they go over because she doesn't want to visit them and complains she never gets to see the baby as a result. They only visit MIL because she insists that they do and promises to pick them up and drop them off. Then gets drunk so she can't drop them off and they are stuck.

Ignore those who say ‘respect his mum, don’t expect a lift to and from her home, this is a battle you won’t win’. Those are the MILs you’re describing, or the daughters of MILs just like it. Snore.

Listen, people show their true colours when babies are born. Life is too short, you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

You want Xmas day at your house, do it. If your parents or MIL want to pop over for a coffee and to exchange gifts, great. Otherwise plan different days.

You have a baby and no way of getting places. You don’t drive and travelling with a baby on public transport isn’t for everybody and that’s ok. Again, if people want to see the baby, they come to you. In this situation, you partner can visit his mum without you and the baby so she’s not missing out on time with him.

You’re a mother now, set the boundaries, be honest and if that means relationships are lost along the way, so be it.

Your partner needs to get a car!!! How dare he leave you unable to get to and from places!!! How on earth do you shop, etc? He has all the freedom in the world to dart around, and you don't. Once he gets the car, you need to learn how to drive it.

Re: Christmas Day - I personally think Christmas traditions actually involve the family, so I would be coming up with your fun little traditions in your home in the morning and then going to your mother in law's for lunch and your family for dinner.

A motor bike licence is not the same as a car drivers oermit where i live