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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To dump him after or before his birthday

127 replies

Moonbeamcookie · 01/10/2024 10:55

Hi all name changed for this one , worried about being outed as I know a few people that use mumsnet.
So I've been seeing a man for 8 months now , the last month or so I have felt I am not very happy.
It isnt going in the direction I want it to go, I've realised its very much always me going to him, I rarely hear from him inbetween seeing him which is every other weekend and I'm starting to feel its very much a relationship of convenience for him.
Theres many other reasons, however I have been a bit low lately and did a bit of soul searching and realised this situationship/ relationship is the main reason unfortunately.
It's hard to explain, however I feel it's not enough for me. Him and I just are not aligning.
It doesnt feel right in my gut and Lifes too short .
I've had a bad past and was in a very good place b4 I met him and I think I need to be single and focus on myself , instead of putting all my energy into seeing him on my child free weekends when I dont really get much else in return
The kind of icing on the cake was that I've moved house recently and leading up to it he offered to help with work that needed doing in my new home , it didn't happen there was always an excuse and I felt really let down by him.
I've been in relationships where I have been constantly let down and false promises in the past and stayed for too long. He isnt going to change. He is very happy with just seeing me ( mainly at his place) every other weekend , it's not enough for me and I know I've made my decision in my heart and head now.
The issue I have is it's his birthday on Saturday, he has been looking forward to us spending the evening together.
I feel I would be cruel to end it just b4 his birthday but then I feel just as cruel being fake on his birthday.
I would just like others opinions on what they would do in my situation please?
AIBU to wait until after his birthday to end it?
Or yanbu to wait until the weekend is over?
This is a tricky one for me

OP posts:
Loubelou71 · 01/10/2024 10:57

There will never be a good time but he's not concerned about your happiness so I wouldn't waste a minute more on this.

Moonbeamcookie · 01/10/2024 11:00

Loubelou71 · 01/10/2024 10:57

There will never be a good time but he's not concerned about your happiness so I wouldn't waste a minute more on this.

Thank you needed to hear this

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 01/10/2024 11:02

Do it now, before your change your mind. This is your momentum.
I was once in the exact same position, ended up waiting it out until after his birthday. Somehow he drew me back in and I ended up living with him for years. Biggest mistake I ever made. All the reasons I had for wanting to leave him then, were the reasons we ended up breaking up over 6 years later.

Nowordsformethanks · 01/10/2024 11:09

Except for cases of abuse, if a man was breaking up with a woman before her birthday no matter his reasons, he'd be torn to shreds. Double standards if you do.

You've waited this long, so attend his birthday then break up afterwards. You don't have to fake lovey dovey but just don't ruin the day for him. You wouldn't want it done to you.

You also don't need justification for breaking up. It's not working out, that's all. You have a right to walk away if it's not working out but don't be mean about it.

LoveSandbanks · 01/10/2024 11:12

Nah, break up with him now it’s been 8 months, not 8 years. He’s not putting much effort in, why should you fake it.

Why give him a birthday shag?

Haroldwilson · 01/10/2024 11:18

Does he even know when your birthday is?

Flixon · 01/10/2024 11:23

its a BIRTHDAY, its not a chance at an Olympic medal. What thought does he give to your feelings. Dump already

Psychoticbreak · 01/10/2024 11:25

Do it today. He will be over you and under someone else by Saturday.

frecklejuice · 01/10/2024 11:26

It's just a birthday, do it today and he can make other arrangements for his birthday.

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2024 11:28

Do it now while you are in the right headspace.

You do not need to tread on egg shells because of an upcoming birthday. He will have another one next year 😃

JumperStripes · 01/10/2024 11:31

I think you should end it now, today.

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 01/10/2024 11:35

I'm another one saying just do it - I never see the point in dragging these things out for a birthday/Christmas/family do - when it's done for you, it's done

SunshineAndFizz · 01/10/2024 11:35

Oh mate, end it now. Today.

thebigL · 01/10/2024 11:38

Is he sitting around wondering and worrying about whether or not he's doing right by you?

JamieKnight · 01/10/2024 11:39

Totally agree, rip off the band aid. He wouldn’t appreciate you waiting just because it was his Birthday.

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 01/10/2024 11:41

if a man was breaking up with a woman before her birthday no matter his reasons, he'd be torn to shreds.

Who by?
Most would say you're better off without someone that doesn't want to be with you (no matter his reasons).

Just do it OP, clean break. He won't like it at any time but you can't be with someone you don't want to!

Lavenderblossoms · 01/10/2024 11:41

I agree with everyone else. Do it beforehand. Better to be cruel to be kind.

He might be thinking after how his birthday was all play pretend.

It's only been 8 months. Just finish it.

yeesh · 01/10/2024 11:45

Do it today

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/10/2024 11:45

End it today, then he has time to make alternative plan for his birthday with his friends or family.

wrongthinker · 01/10/2024 11:46

Dump him on his birthday so he knows you really mean it.

Only kidding. Do it now. He'll get over it.

TheBeesKnee · 01/10/2024 11:47

My friend broke up with her ex ON his birthday! There's never a right time. Do it asap. It's been a short relationship.

Moonbeamcookie · 01/10/2024 11:50

LoveSandbanks · 01/10/2024 11:12

Nah, break up with him now it’s been 8 months, not 8 years. He’s not putting much effort in, why should you fake it.

Why give him a birthday shag?

Birthday shag this made me laugh😂

OP posts:
Gardenlover121 · 01/10/2024 11:50

Agree with most of PPs. Do it today. Text a brief message, then block. It’s doesn’t sound like he will be devastated anyway as he has been so low effort towards you.

Moonbeamcookie · 01/10/2024 11:50

Haroldwilson · 01/10/2024 11:18

Does he even know when your birthday is?

Probably not Haha

OP posts:
Maurepas · 01/10/2024 11:51

My opinion is - if you have made up your mind - do it as graciously as possible asap but also at that time - say you want to send something for his BD and what would he like (within reason). He is not a child and I have found men are less sentimental about their birthdays too. Point out you only see each other twice a month anyway.