To dump him after or before his birthday

[Moonbeamcookie]

Hi all name changed for this one , worried about being outed as I know a few people that use mumsnet.
So I've been seeing a man for 8 months now , the last month or so I have felt I am not very happy.
It isnt going in the direction I want it to go, I've realised its very much always me going to him, I rarely hear from him inbetween seeing him which is every other weekend and I'm starting to feel its very much a relationship of convenience for him.
Theres many other reasons, however I have been a bit low lately and did a bit of soul searching and realised this situationship/ relationship is the main reason unfortunately.
It's hard to explain, however I feel it's not enough for me. Him and I just are not aligning.
It doesnt feel right in my gut and Lifes too short .
I've had a bad past and was in a very good place b4 I met him and I think I need to be single and focus on myself , instead of putting all my energy into seeing him on my child free weekends when I dont really get much else in return
The kind of icing on the cake was that I've moved house recently and leading up to it he offered to help with work that needed doing in my new home , it didn't happen there was always an excuse and I felt really let down by him.
I've been in relationships where I have been constantly let down and false promises in the past and stayed for too long. He isnt going to change. He is very happy with just seeing me ( mainly at his place) every other weekend , it's not enough for me and I know I've made my decision in my heart and head now.
The issue I have is it's his birthday on Saturday, he has been looking forward to us spending the evening together.
I feel I would be cruel to end it just b4 his birthday but then I feel just as cruel being fake on his birthday.
I would just like others opinions on what they would do in my situation please?
AIBU to wait until after his birthday to end it?
Or yanbu to wait until the weekend is over?
This is a tricky one for me

He’s been a big disappointment. I wouldn’t put myself out to end things in the optimum way.

It's still the grown-up thing to do. You treat others well because that's how you would like to be treated.

Asap

Are adult birthdays really that big a deal?

Do it now.

It sounds like it's not that invested in the relationship anyway. He can go out with his friends on his birthday instead.

Don't do it by text. Call him.

I absolutely hate phone calls but even I would do it by phone rather than text. If you text him to say you want a chat later it might give him a heads up too. Bit brutal sending a text after 8 months in my book, but also not worth meeting in person if you only meet up once a fortnight.

Hmm going against the grain slightly... how much does he care about his birthday?
Some adults aren't particularly fussed and if he's one of those - then dump now!
If he loves his birthday and makes a big thing of it every year then I'd maybe wait until after. But make an excuse not to see him on the day if you like.

I am in the second camp and would be devastated being dumped right before my birthday. My DH for example couldn't care less about his birthday so it wouldn't make any difference!

You'd rather have someone lie to you all day long (or possibly not even see you on the day because they feel too guilty) and then find out afterwards that it was all a load of bullshit?

I'd rather be told as soon as they know it's a done deal.

Really, why care? He hasn't cared about OP. It's a relationship of convenience for him. Hard to imagine he'd be devastated.

Personally I'd much rather be dumped by text than with a phone call, easier to maintain dignity.

Personally I'd much rather be dumped by text than with a phone call, easier to maintain dignity

That's a good point, hadn't considered that. A lot of people do most of their communication by text these days so I guess if that's how it's normally been then ending a relationship that way makes some sense.

Ok so what I am about to write a as I am writing is making me cringe with the realisation of wtf have I been doing for 8 months , so those that say phone call, him and I have never had a phone call together. Hes never rang me, I tried ringing him once and he txt saying I prefer to txt so yeh he prob wouldnt appreciate a phone call 🤣

Text it is then. It is what I would do (and have). As you say, it really does depend on your relationship up until now. If you call a lot then I might agree with pp, but in this instance, text is perfectly fine.

You've only been around each other 16 times and he's not interested. A text at most is more than he deserves.

Depends on what the birthday will involve I guess. If its attend his birthday do with friends then go home alone, maybe.

If it's romantic evening just the two of you then back home for a shag, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Believe me, you would feel like absolute crap.

But to be honest, given his lack of interest and consideration I wouldn't give him even five more minutes of my time. Send a text saying not feeling it, job done. He doesn't deserve any more. It's not as if you are breaking off an engagement is it?

Ok a text seems perfectly appropriate! I tend to forget that a lot of people don't do phone calls at all anymore.

Send the message, get it over with, and on to better things!

What nonsense

Nah just text. Best wishes.

So he doesn’t like phone calls.
You’ve seen him less 20 times

Just send him a text and don’t look back.

Oh and enjoy your free weekends!!

I broke up with someone by text. It was a LD relationship. The final straw was he visited on my birthday had no money to even buy his own meal let alone treat me. Had plenty for pints though. I just said ‘sorry to do this by text but I thought you would prefer it that way as you don’t like calls. I’m afraid I’m going to have to call it a day on our dating. It’s been great getting to know you but I don’t think I can see us really going anywhere from this point forwards. Wishing you all the very best for the future.’

i was shocked as he was livid. Demanded an explanation and for me to call him. I replied I’m not calling, I’ve said all I wanted to say via the previous text. There’s no real explanation to give other than this has run its course as far as I’m concerned. There’s nothing more to it that that. Wishing you all the best for the future.

he then gave me a load of abuse back which kind of confirmed my decision 😂

good luck.

ok then reading your last post, just text him.

Do it tonight, don't put it off for any reason!!

once it's done you'll feel free & happier!!

Exactly. Don’t project how he’s going to react or take it as you’ll never know. Just do what feels most comfortable for you. Be polite, kind, and wish him well. Job done. You’ll feel much better. You don’t owe him anything more than you are comfortable to give. Full stop.

Again, it's all about his preferences and what he likes/doesnt like. Is there any compromise at all? What does he actually add to your life?

Nothing really , it was nice to date someone regularly on my free weekends, I also liked the fact I was having a sexual relationship with the same person, however I'd get more out of seeing my friends and using my vibrator, and I'm not being crude this is exactly how I feel right now x

I'm also not being mean to anyone regarding the part about him not liking phone calls, as someone has just said it's all about preference. However I'm a phonecall girl and communication is important to me, I feel txts can often be really confusing as it's hard sense the tone

Birthday shag. Not a chance.

At least do it today if you're worried and he can have a chance to make arrangements with his mates.