Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

@Tryalilharder I agree that the timing isn't great, but perhaps it's better for them to have some one-to-one time before the new baby arrives, as you'll be even busier then.

So let's get this straight.

We've moved on from your first post of 'ex denying husband to see his child' to get a few more details.

And that is that the child doesn't want to see him because now that you have a baby, she is only allowed to come to your house, on a Saturday only, which is far away, as your husband is not allowed to visit her because he needs to spend all his spare time with you?

You have detailed yourself as an honest, good person. You're not coming across as that.

in theory this is great, and I might get slated for this, timing just mightn’t be great with me having a 1 year old and being pregnant again to not have my husband on a Saturday for long periods when we both work full time.

@Tryalilharder Ah course it's not and that's entirely understandable, it really is, but the longer it goes on, the older she gets and the more she 'moves away' from him. Now, is the time to really put the work in. I don't doubt that's crap for you, it would be for me. But she's 7 and she only gets the opportunity once a week.

Also, I ask you to put yourself in the ex's shoes. She was on her own with a one year old EVERY DAY! It won't have been easy for her either.

Listen, I'm not saying that his ex isn't a massive bellend for badmouthing you both, confusing her child etc. But, it's not the little girls fault and if she can see, in years to come that her dad did everything (not just financially or 'to a degree'), then she will come round. That needs patience from him and you. One day a week, for now, where she is his total priority could pay dividends for his future relationship with her.

My DH was a child in a situation like this. Mum ( my MIL) did her best to turn him against his dad. She built up this world with just her, DH and his brother that she could control. He didn't see his father from c. age 11 to 30.
He has now built a good relationship with him since becoming a parent. They are both sad about the missed years.
His advice would be to never give up. Even if you can't see the child, send letters. Send photos. Send letters and pictures from their half siblings. Keep inviting them. Keep phoning - however awkward. Get their aunts, uncles and grandparents to do the same. They will understand eventually that you never gave up.

OP your updates are making the situation seem more unreasonable and unattainable. She needs and has always needed time one to one with her father. It appears now she never got that and isn't likely to.

If your husband wants any type of relationship in the future he has to invest his time with her. And court orders won't make a jot to her in the future when he hasn't it appears made time with her alone a priority.

I am sorry but he needs to put his older child first for a period to stand a chance be it Saturdays or whatever day.

He has 3 children. Not just 1.

Have you suggested mediation? Also you keep saying that she will ring the police if he turns up at her house to collect the child, but so what - the police won't arrest him for just been there. At least the child will see he's turned up. He needs to go there every week, not cause a scene and ask if the child wants to spend the day with him. He'll I'd even turn up with gifts. I would also be pushing for video calls at least once a week.

Yes but there is a seven year old who has no access and no relationship and others who have six days access.

Edited two children not just another one child

Yes, but he spends every evening, Sundays and holidays with two of them . He can devote some Saturdays to his eldest child for a while.

I don't see what's so awful about every Saturday - every other weekend is what a lot of families have at this age. I know lots of PPs are saying that it should be 50/50, I don't think that generally works well for children, unless their parents live next door to each other.

I think his ex is doing a huge disservice to his child, she should be supporting them to have a relationship, regardless of her feelings for him. As others have said, he has the right to see his daughter each weekend, so he should use it - police aren't going to charge him with anything, his record won't be impacted for work, he's not abusing his child.

I think he does need to make more of an effort and love bomb his daughter a bit at first so she'll want to go, do something that she would really like to do, just with him - horse riding lesson maybe? He needs to work to build a relationship with her. The Courts have given him access, he needs to use it.

Yes, he does/will have 3 children op. 3. Not 2.

And at the moment, it seems you won't let him spend any time at all with his first unless it's with you all. Despite spending ALL of his free time with 1, soon to be 2, children, without his 1st.

You seem to value your own intellect. And thus I have no idea how you've managed to twist this in your mind that rather than it actually being your fault that he no longer sees his first child (as you have detailed in other words but essentially that you have controlled he's not allowed out to see her on his own) it's the exes.

The ex doesn't need to do or say anything to make the sdc not want to spend any time with you all. He has already told her loud and clear through his actions where she is in his pecking order. Right at the bottom.

He’ll treat your children the same when you split up

I haven’t said this once.

If we split up there’s no hope for anyone. Off to bed with my husband.

'I think he does need to make more of an effort and love bomb his daughter a bit at first so she'll want to go, do something that she would really like to do, just with him - horse riding lesson maybe? He needs to work to build a relationship with her'

I think people have missed the later posts from the op where she details her husband isn't allowed out, he has to spend Saturdays with the op and their baby, oh and their baby to be. He/she takes priority too over his first.

'I haven't said this once'

Also

'in theory this is great, and I might get slated for this, timing just mightn’t be great with me having a 1 year old and being pregnant again to not have my husband on a Saturday for long periods when we both work full time.'

has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

Think about this again..

Hope he's not one of these serial shaggers that leave babies along the way.

As a solo mum, I'm with her. And sorry if I got it wrong.

You don't sound like a nice and decent person at all op, you sound selfish and self centred and a bit too proud to call an equally poor character your husband... it's odd, like you are the rival of a 7yr old.

Also

'Staying nearby? He has a baby and a pregnant wife at home.'

Brightonsun
He’ll treat your children the same when you split up

If we split up there’s no hope for anyone. Off to bed with my husband.

You've been given some solid advice on this thread including by myself who has respectfully told you that your husband needs to prioritise his child to have any chance of a relationship with her. You're not interested and so you'll continue to go to bed with your husband at night while his little girl goes to bed wondering why the fuck her dad couldn't be arsed and prioritised his 'current' family over her.

I hope he continues to sleep well in 20 years time when she can't be arsed to see him at all still and he wonders why his wife couldn't just not be so selfish and look after her kids on her own for 12 hours. Sleep well.

He has a tiny gap before she enters pre teen. If he doesn't prioritise her relationship now he will have lost her and it is your DH fault. Nothing and none could keep me from my child weekly not even their siblings once they also had time with me.

1 day a week is not enough, and at the weekend at her age its disruptive - that's probably why she isn't keen. Another poster suggested looking at it from the child's perspective - have you tried that? When my DS started school, the weekend was our only relaxing free time. He was usually tired and grumpy after a week at school. He preferred playing at home or going out with me or sometimes playdates locally with friends. I can understand the idea of getting up travelling a distance (you don't say how far), then spending the day at dad's house, before travelling the same distance back, not being very appealing, especially when the only other child to play with is a baby. It just doesn't sound like a lot of fun, and I can understand her not wanting to go. Instead of blaming the ex (and she might not be blameless), perhaps find other ways to address it.

I think he needs to push for full custody as the mum is turning dc against him. A 7 yo not wanting to stay over night with a dad isn’t normal. But then I think he should have been fighting for whole weekends from much younger. I don’t think anyone who sees their dc less than one day a week can be described as a great dad. If your dc was taken from you, I bet you’d be fighting for the dc back.

I’m not saying the mum/ex isn’t a nightmare but if she’s that bad, how can he be okay with his dc being in her care?

@TeenLifeMum I don't think that will fix the child's anxiety!

If DSD is so upset and you are exhausted dealing with baby(s), every Saturday is too much. I would go for once a fortnight or even once a month and make it a really special day for her with at least half the day just dsd with her dad.