My sister and married man

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Long time poster on here but name changed for obvious reasons. I wondered If anyone has been in a similar situation and can help me work out how to talk some sense into my sister! I've recently found out that she's been having a full blown affair with a married man since February this year. Now my sister has always , until now, seemed to have her act together but this year she has completely changed and it all coincides with this man coming into her life. Apparently they met online at a time when she was going through her own difficult separation and he told her all the usual spiel- dead marriage, roommate situation blah blah blah.

She Is completely convinced that she and this man are in love with each other and that he is separating from his wife as soon as he has 'figured out housing ' 🙄 as neither of them can afford their mortgage alone despite apparently both being on good salaries. I decided to conduct some research of my own , and turns out this man and his wife have been together over 20 years and (seemingly) happily married for 11 years with 2 children ! In fact the wife posted a photo of the two of them not that long ago, and recently 'love hearted' his profile picture so can't imagine they are that unhappy! My sister also admitted the MM and his wife have been on a couple of family holidays together since the affair started so I'm of the opinion that the wife has no idea of this 'unhappy' situation.

The problem is my sister is quite naive and her self esteem has taken a nose dive in recent years, and I think this guy has completely love bombed her so she's not seeing sense at all no matter how many red flags I point out or what I say to her . This man has completely wooed her , taken her away on 'work ' trips ,even abroad (he's in the sales industry and works away a lot both in the uk and overseas which is I imagine how he gets away with his cheating 🙄) . He's said all manner of awful things about his wife to her which I can't imagine could be true, and says that as the wife is older than him and has put on weight he no longer fancies her- what a prince amongst men !!
What can I do to help my sister see sense ? She is going to waste years of her life waiting for this man and I can already see the effect that this is having on her mental health. The worst thing is this man lives in hours away from us near Manchester, and she is even thinking of moving closer to there so she can be with this man, which is never even going to happen!

I don't want to give up on my sister, but I feel like she is completely lost to this situation and don't know how to help her.

It's not your place to get involved. Just be a good listener, if she ever needs you.

Show her the evidence you’ve found that they are happily married and he has no intention of leaving his wife.

Tell her in very blunt terms that she is a convenient shag and won’t ever be anything more than that.

Yeah, she's your sister so you can be as blunt as you feel necessary. Other than that though there's little you can do to persuade someone out of an intense infatuation. Hopefully it comes to a head sooner rather than later.

This is terrible advice. Of course its your place to get involved when your sisters welfare and mental health is at risk and she's being manipulated and conned. What sort of family would stand by and let it happen.

I do wonder about people these days 🙄

I’ve noticed it’s like that on mn, literally anything to do with cheating or an affair and everyone’s always ‘mind your own business, why would you get involved’ 🙄 affairs destroy the lives of those around them, some people never mentally recover from them. I truly believe it should be a criminal offence. I’d rather be punched in the face or assaulted in the street, than find my partner and father to my children has been seeing another woman

@Tumblingthroughlife you sound like a very nice person who really genuinely cares for your sister.

Not a good idea, not that I think you would do this,to rub her nose in the fact that she is just convenient shag for this two timing creep.

I'm sure you know that would really do wonders for her plummeting self-esteem and make her turn on you, go after this guy to prove that he really cares about her, and I think we all know where that's going.

Probably best to treat her with kid gloves, approach her gently, choose your words carefully and be sympathetic when you tell her what you found out.

Implore her to have a really good think about this before she goes off to be with him.

I hope being the kind and supportive sister you sound like you are will get her to thinking, and if it doesn't, really, all you can do is be around to help her pick up the pieces.

We all make mistakes and it hurts to see your sister falling for something that you know is wrong, but mistakes are how we learn.

I don't buy the naive little girl act. She's a grown woman and was married, she knows right from wrong. She knows that you don't sleep with married men.

I'd give it to her straight and tell her that she's being ridiculous. That she's planning on moving to be near a married man who has a family and no intention to leave his wife. That he's obviously a liar as he's lying to his wife and leading a double life.That she's going to split up a family.

I'd encourage her to get therapy to increase her self esteem.

She's not some passive victim, she has made and is making a choice to be this married man's affair partner. Drop the concern and show a bit more distaste towards the situation.

Thanks for the responses . It is hard to balance between bluntness and being there for my sister. She knows full well I don't approve of the situation and I've made my thoughts clear on cheating. She's just completely bedazzled it seems by this man and the lies he's telling her. She thinks that as he's turning 40 next year that will be the big 'wake up call' for him to leave his 'unhappy' marriage . I said to her if it hasn't happened by then then she has her answer (I know full well it won't!)
I think what seems to be adding weight to the situation is she hadn't had any love or affection from a man for a long time and this new (not to mention very tall and good looking) guy has come in and charmed the pants off her . He even took her on a 'romantic' trip to Paris whilst telling his wife he was on a work trip there! I struggled to hold my tongue about the 'romance' of this 🙄

@Tumblingthroughlife

This will definitely put the cat amongst the pigeons but would you consider contacting him directly to let him know you're aware of the relationship?

Bet she won't see him for dust if you do.

It sounds like he's a conman who is future faking your sister. Probably has experience in having affairs as he knows how to get away with it. His poor wife 😢

Frankly I'd be telling the wife.

Leave her to it, she deserves to waste her time on this loser. And don't make excuses for her: it takes two to tango, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Buy this is easier said than done when it's your own sister who you love deeply.

I have thought about this numerous times but I'm worried about what the potential repercussions could be ...

Thanks for the update @Tumblingthroughlife

I can "hear" from your words that you really don't know what to do for the best.

You can only try, you know, with loving kindness for your fragile sister, who is craving love and care, try to help her see.
She may not want to see or hear, and it's heartbreaking for you to stand by and let this happen.

I think most of us on here are reading this with sympathy for your sister, and anger for him who recognizes your sister's vulnerabilities and is taking advantage of that.

Sadly, it's likely that she's about to find out that: 'if he does it for you, he'll do it TO you" ...

She's choosing to fuck a married man with a wife and kids.

She knows what she's doing and there's nothing you can do to stop her.

When it goes tits up, just be there for her but for now, there's no point in letting it take up so much space in your head.

You could also threaten her that you’ll tell the other woman. But obviously that won’t be great for your relationship with her.

Ultimately though I think if she’s so desperate for love and naive / wilfully ignorant, it doesn’t really matter wether she ends this relationship or not; she’ll just end up in another bad situation next. Maybe, dont worry about her relationship and just encourage some therapy or at the very least working through her issues with you as a listening ear if you want to be that ear so if she ever sees sense she’s more prepared to spot and run away from red flags in the future.

Me too.

Why are people being so sympathetic to the sister!? She knows what she is doing and is also a guilty party, and with there being kids involved makes it even worse!

I am suprised you even want anything to do with her whilst she is behaving this way.....think you need to be saying end it or I'll cut contact with you to be honest.

It's not your job to be her shoulder to cry on....if it all goes wrong then sorry to say that will serve her right for her wrong-doings, and maybe she will learn her lesson not to sleep with married fathers.

Sympathy is just allowing her to feel OK about what she is doing.

Well your sister is a disgrace, you can tell her that.
As in the MM but you don't know him to tell him.
She'll get used and dumped - she'll learn a lesson and hopefully some decency.

Your sister is not a naive little flower.
She knows this man is married , has young children but doesn’t care who is hurt as long as she gets to have her little meet ups with this married man . Lust is blind and stupid.
She is being incredibly deaf and selfish and no doubt will blame the “wife “ when this affair is discovered.
Stop blaming your sisters equally selfish affair partner . Your sister is equally responsible for this shit show.

Talk to her again , don’t sugar coat it. This man will never have the respect of her family and friends. Show her the Affair partners happy family photos, how do they fit the yarn he’s been spinning her?
At the end of the day it’s up to her , but her actions have real consequences

There’s no evidence she’s being ‘manipulated and conned’. She’s having an adulterous relationship with a man who will either leave his wife or won’t.

Life is complicated.
I'd be there for sister despite not agreeing with the behaviour. Like you said, she's probably been love bombed and manipulated.
I don't think you can do anything to help, really. They're both grown ups.

I'd be telling the wife as I'd want to know in her position 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a hard one OP, as having two sisters myself, I understand you want to protect her (from herself in this case) and in loving her, don't want to see her hurt.

You have to be blunt with her about the situation she is in, that this is a man in a seemingly happy marriage, how you can see it diminishing her and what the likely outcome is.

Unfortunately you can't extricate from the affair yourself, so can only really remind her you love and will be there for her when it all goes tit's up.

And I'm sorry you've become a part of this unseemly mess 💐.