My sister and married man

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Long time poster on here but name changed for obvious reasons. I wondered If anyone has been in a similar situation and can help me work out how to talk some sense into my sister! I've recently found out that she's been having a full blown affair with a married man since February this year. Now my sister has always , until now, seemed to have her act together but this year she has completely changed and it all coincides with this man coming into her life. Apparently they met online at a time when she was going through her own difficult separation and he told her all the usual spiel- dead marriage, roommate situation blah blah blah.

She Is completely convinced that she and this man are in love with each other and that he is separating from his wife as soon as he has 'figured out housing ' 🙄 as neither of them can afford their mortgage alone despite apparently both being on good salaries. I decided to conduct some research of my own , and turns out this man and his wife have been together over 20 years and (seemingly) happily married for 11 years with 2 children ! In fact the wife posted a photo of the two of them not that long ago, and recently 'love hearted' his profile picture so can't imagine they are that unhappy! My sister also admitted the MM and his wife have been on a couple of family holidays together since the affair started so I'm of the opinion that the wife has no idea of this 'unhappy' situation.

The problem is my sister is quite naive and her self esteem has taken a nose dive in recent years, and I think this guy has completely love bombed her so she's not seeing sense at all no matter how many red flags I point out or what I say to her . This man has completely wooed her , taken her away on 'work ' trips ,even abroad (he's in the sales industry and works away a lot both in the uk and overseas which is I imagine how he gets away with his cheating 🙄) . He's said all manner of awful things about his wife to her which I can't imagine could be true, and says that as the wife is older than him and has put on weight he no longer fancies her- what a prince amongst men !!
What can I do to help my sister see sense ? She is going to waste years of her life waiting for this man and I can already see the effect that this is having on her mental health. The worst thing is this man lives in hours away from us near Manchester, and she is even thinking of moving closer to there so she can be with this man, which is never even going to happen!

I don't want to give up on my sister, but I feel like she is completely lost to this situation and don't know how to help her.

She may not be the only affair partner he has.

She’s probably not the first, possibly not the only other woman at the moment and she won’t be the last. Has she considered that?? Is she getting herself tested for STD’s regularly?

you mentioned you’re afraid of possible repercussions if he get in touch with him. What’s the worst that can happen? Are you afraid it will make her turn her back on you?

Maybe tell the wife? Of course, there is a very small chance she already knows and has de used to turn a blind eye.

I wouldn't tell the wife or get myself involved in any way.

You can show her the 'evidence' you have found, but I suspect she'll have an excuse/answer for it. She already knows your feelings and is aware you don't approve of the relationship. If this man works in sales and travels a lot, then it's likely she's not the only woman he has on 'the side'! Ask her why she thinks, if he were to leave his wife, that he'd treat her any different to his wife?! That he's willing to lie and cheat behind his wife's back, so therefore he's do the same to her. He doesn't need 'saving' from an unhappy marriage, he's a 'chancer', who takes opportunities with other women, because he can. Unfortunately, all you can do is talk to her but if she won't listen, there is very little you can do. You'll have to let her get on with it, and learn the hard way. She may believe this man's lies but ultimately she's a grown adult, who knows right from wrong, and she made a choice to get involved with a married man. Be there for her when it eventually comes tumbling down, and the penny drops!

@Sassybooklover she will be convinced that their 'love' is a 'special love' that cannot be denied and warrants an affair.

It takes two to tango unpopular opinion here but your sister is just as bad as him but steer clear of it as it will end up your fault

If it comes out he will prob get the blame any dhe will get off scot free no doubt

I wouldn't say to her that he sees her as a convenient shag as that would affect her self worth. She may start to believe that is all she is.

I would gently point out the issues with him - he appears to be lying to her, he is certainly lying to his wife. He says awful things about his wife behind her back and would likely do the same to your sister down the line if she gained baby weight. He is not a good man.

She is worth more than that .

Not that I expect it’ll do any good, but you could tell her about my friend, who was seeing a married man for 20 years - he was always going to leave his wife and kids after Christmas/after the summer holidays/after the kids had done their GCSEs, etc. etc. etc.
And then he died, still married.

I have a workmate who has been in a relationship with a married man for 20 years. She’s nearly 50, he’s much older. She’s missed out on having children of her own, while he and his wife are now grandparents. He pays her rent on a flat in a not very nice part of town and she remains convinced he WILL leave his wife for her. Meanwhile he lives in a lovely detached house on the coast and she can’t see she’s just a tiny part of his life, whereas he takes up all of her life. It’s sad.

He went looking for an affair so he is almost certainly a serial cheater. Once he gets bored or your sister gets too demanding he will move on. He may well be browsing for the next one already. He is already getting what he wants from your sister without having to take the massive financial and emotional hit of having to leave his home and family. You will just have to help pick up the pieces when they split up.

The difficulty is, what can you say or do that wont dig DSis in deeper? You've done what's reasonable to challenge her view, shown her evidence that things are not what he's claimed. She is at the stage where the more you say the deeper she digs in to her delusion. You don't want her to see you as the enemy, who else does she have?

Can you just keep contact with her, help her to build herself up separately from this man? So that if (when) it all goes tits-up she isn't left with nothing?

he's told my sister he doesn't fancy his wife anymore mainly due to her gaining weight after having children

If your sister tells you this kind of thing have you tried telling her, "well it's normal to put on weight after you've had children, most men don't really mind, do you think you might want to have children with him in future, how would you feel if he said that about you?" Just giving her perspective.

You care about your DSis. Either she will be strung along as the third wheel in his marriage until she cottons on and dumps him (and that might never happen!) or she will be dumped, or she will end up married to a manipulative cheater who will soon go looking for someone else. But this is very much her mistake to make. You can't stop her, you can only be there for her.

You cannot live other people's Iives. Nor should you try. Just be there for them when things go wrong and maybe give the odd word of warning,

Personally if it was my suster i would 1. Either anonymously contact him, saying you're going to tell his wife. Or 2. anonymously contact his wife.

I wouldnt want the fallout of them knowing that it was me.

Your sister is not the victim here... this creep's wife is. I'd be contacting him telling him to end the affair or you'll speak to his wife. When he does end it, I'd then tell the wife. She deserves to know she's married to a lying cheat who disparages her at every opportunity. What a bastard he is. Doesn't your sister realise that if the wife finds out SHE'LL be the one he's saying vile things about. "She means nothing" "She threw herself at me" "It was meaningless sex" ...... and god knows what else, and your sister will deserve everything he says. She's not his first affair and she won't be his last !!! She's not naive, she's deluded, immature and is not a good person. Stop with the "poor sister, boohoo" crap. You know what she is !!!

So the sister has no brains and can't think for herself and take responsibility for her own actions this blame men because they are forcing me to cheat with them is getting old

'I am just a woman I dont know my own mind' also

It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that his wife is on MN and reading this thread. There’s quite a lot of info that she would recognise. If she is here, I hope she keeps quiet, gets “her ducks in a row”, and blindsides the cheating bastard with divorce papers.

It’s an old saying and one your sister should be aware of - when a man leaves his wife for his mistress, a new vacancy opens. As other posters have said, it’s unlikely that this is his first affair, and less likely that it’s the last.

Just to add if you contact him say you will tell his wife unless he choses who he wants to stsy with give him 48 hrs pressure makes people chose what is really in their hearts. I doubt he'll leave his wife as he knows your sister is just easy pickings.

No doubt he'll dump her then move on to his next victim. He could even possibly have more AP elsewhere, your sister could be one of many. Especially if he is narcissistic.

Jesus she’s a mug. I’d tell the wife, anonymously, and about all the awful things that he has said. She’ll be hurt but hopefully it’ll force everyone’s hands. The danger would be he’d descend on your sister and she’d think she’d won, but unlikely. He’ll want to save his marriage, though I hope the wife would tell him to fuck off and die.

Ask her if she really wants to be responsible for messing up the lives of two young children?

Encourage your sister to do the online freedom course to help her recognise red flags & predators.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Leave them to their to it

she knows he’s married as for the Facebook pictures and posts if the them with a pinch of salt

You need a conversation with your sister regarding contraception too! You can bet your bottom dollar, this man still has a sex life with his wife. It's also likely he's got other women in various locations, where he travels. If he's not using a condom with any of these other women, your sister is opening herself up to potentially catching an STD!!! Yuk!! 😱

All the trips suggest he is managing the situation with some skill. Persuade her to ask him if she is the first woman he has cheated on his wife with. He’d probably lie but she might spot that. How would she feel knowing she was one of a string of extra marital shags?
Remind her that when a husband leaves his wife for another woman it just creates a vacuum

I agree with whoever said that presenting her with (clear) evidence of his duplicitous nature will only make her dig her heels in. She has created a delusion around this man based on lies she is being fed. Unfortunately she's fully participant in swallowing them.
Every logical observation will be counteracted as she invests further into him because she wants to. She'll fantasise as much as she needs to.

That's the state of play at the moment. It will most likely change in time. How long it will take is anyone's guess.

Tough for you, but try not to feed into it by giving her anything to rail against.

Gosh, lot of judgement and black and white thinking. Its a very difficult one. Peoples capacity to fall for someone who is filling a void is why scammers, invisible men online, are able to convince people like my aunt that they are going to marry her when he returns. She wrote me a letter telling me she knows it looks mad, but shes going to marry him. Three years later and having handed over money following a first late in life disastrous rushed marriage where she nearly lost everything. She does know entirely what shes doing snd now tries to keep it secret. Weve talked for hours now she pretends its all finished. In a weird way its safe for her because its low emotional risk, theres a commitment thats being promised but she knows might not happen too. A reason why married peoples dating sites are appearing? Shes knows its "wrong" but she has a need and a void and once that part of her is engaged theres no control from her or anyone else. If a person told any one woman on here not to go forward with the person youve fallen in love because of something you believed about him, theres not many that would listen and could put "reason" first overnight. Its a process. The approach to start to get through to her is much more along the lines is "im glad you found happiness but ..... " She will find every answer under the sun to justify it. Its a huge amount of persistance. Our psyche is extremely complicated and we can bond and attach for all sorts of reasons (our past plays a part) and not feel like we are in control. Maybe actually you book to see a therapist or do some research about how or why it happens to gain an understanding. The other thing is to ask about the timescales, the boundaries. This is going to happen when that happens, then when it doesnt (she will justify it to the hilt) point it out each time. You tube also has very good relationship coaches giving advice about red flags, boundaries, and so on. You could research and send to her. She has to come round to letting go of the feeling of being in love which is the same as asking a heroine addict to put down the drugs. A massive amount of patience and persistance but being there for her, consistently refusing to particpate and engage in the game. A final point is that the children in this situation will come off hurt and damaged and this needs to emphasised. She will delude herself he will handle it well, but maybe ask her, what if he doesnt, are you prepared to be the woman that was the cause of damaging all those lives? He sounds very much like he could have narcissistic traits and is in it for the power etc. So, say to her, given that you are both in love with each other, how would you expect him to conduct himself towards his wife, the children and you? Spell it out for me. Having spelt it out keep on that gently/firmly saying, are you happy with his conduct, has he stood by what hes promising, has he stepped up in any way, has he demonstrated anywhere hes going to put you first, has he ever talked about how he would handle protecting his children and wanting to keep seeing them, so has he asked you if you would be prepared to have them weekends and holidays cause no man worth his genuine salt would be making plans without them. Then ask her if you were the wife and mother how would you expect a quality man to handle it.

Its a long slow process, so you can be there, but not engage with it, but keep on with the questions and seeing the red flags. If she loses face and you destroy your relationship because you want to be right (which i dont believe you do) then you will lose her. Good luck.