My sister and married man

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Long time poster on here but name changed for obvious reasons. I wondered If anyone has been in a similar situation and can help me work out how to talk some sense into my sister! I've recently found out that she's been having a full blown affair with a married man since February this year. Now my sister has always , until now, seemed to have her act together but this year she has completely changed and it all coincides with this man coming into her life. Apparently they met online at a time when she was going through her own difficult separation and he told her all the usual spiel- dead marriage, roommate situation blah blah blah.

She Is completely convinced that she and this man are in love with each other and that he is separating from his wife as soon as he has 'figured out housing ' 🙄 as neither of them can afford their mortgage alone despite apparently both being on good salaries. I decided to conduct some research of my own , and turns out this man and his wife have been together over 20 years and (seemingly) happily married for 11 years with 2 children ! In fact the wife posted a photo of the two of them not that long ago, and recently 'love hearted' his profile picture so can't imagine they are that unhappy! My sister also admitted the MM and his wife have been on a couple of family holidays together since the affair started so I'm of the opinion that the wife has no idea of this 'unhappy' situation.

The problem is my sister is quite naive and her self esteem has taken a nose dive in recent years, and I think this guy has completely love bombed her so she's not seeing sense at all no matter how many red flags I point out or what I say to her . This man has completely wooed her , taken her away on 'work ' trips ,even abroad (he's in the sales industry and works away a lot both in the uk and overseas which is I imagine how he gets away with his cheating 🙄) . He's said all manner of awful things about his wife to her which I can't imagine could be true, and says that as the wife is older than him and has put on weight he no longer fancies her- what a prince amongst men !!
What can I do to help my sister see sense ? She is going to waste years of her life waiting for this man and I can already see the effect that this is having on her mental health. The worst thing is this man lives in hours away from us near Manchester, and she is even thinking of moving closer to there so she can be with this man, which is never even going to happen!

I don't want to give up on my sister, but I feel like she is completely lost to this situation and don't know how to help her.

So the wife has nasty teeth, in debt , fat…. Blah blah blah…yet he goes on holiday with her, stays with her, limits time with your sister because of her…etc etc.
Does she want him to speak so ill of her if they ever get together. I would be horrified to be described in such a way from someone supposed to love me.
How people talk about others and treat them is how they can soon turn it around to you when they fancy.
Affairs are just horrid.

I suspect your sister may know the affair partner will never leave his wife. She may just enjoy the thrill of the affair, being wined and dined and whisked away to Paris etc. She probably figures it’s the best she is going to get, relationshipwise.

But as you are a very ethical person and her sister, she is probably face saving by insisting that he will one day leave his wife for her. She probably does not want to tell you she doesn’t care about the wife or their kids and simply wants to have her affair in peace and giving you the hope the infidelity will eventually be resolved.

Could you anonymously contact the wife and tell her your husband is cheating on you? Mention the Paris trip with dates and say you need to speak to your husband. Then your sister never knows you were the cause of her suddenly being ghosted by him!

Of course, if he's not lying to your sister, while it might be financially inconvenient, at least they can be free to see each other. Plus, he's not angry with her because she didn't message his wife ( obviously never say that you did!).

Tell his wife, no doubt about it in my mind.

Having been cheated on a few times in the past, this is a horrible situation, and I've also known people that have cheated on someone or are with someone cheating, the hardest thing is getting involved.
I've found a better way to deal with things, as you know this bloke and his wife, send him a message, let him know that you know about the affair, and his wife's details and unless he breaks it off you will go to his wife and tell her.
If you have a trust worthy friend that your sister doesn't know, then try and get them to do it for you, that way if all goes well and he does end it with your sister, she will have someone there to comfort her.
Telling your sister to end it is the worst thing you can do, it's the same as when we were kids, if you were with the wrong person and people told you to leave them, they would do the opposite and the only thing you would gain is them not talking to you.
So the sneaky way would be better for your sister and to get the help she needs with her mental health, hopefully things don't get any worse for her or you and it's a difficult place to be, the only other choice is to tell his wife, maybe they can work through it, maybe not but he would be so preoccupied by her finding out, he wouldn't be with your sister.

I'd contact the wife - she deserves to know
It will hopefully all blow up and might shake your sister out of it

Message the wife from a fake account. “Hi, I am not the other woman but a close friend of hers. I can’t message you from my real account because I would lose someone close to me. But I cannot in conscience leave you in the dark. Your husband is cheating on you. He does it when he goes on work trips, for example X. Try and check Telegram app on his phone.”

It may blow up your relationship with your sister but I think it’s the right thing to do for her and the wife. He is a shit.

Omg please tell the wife. Imagine not knowing all this about your DH 😳

How can your sister like him after being so nasty about the mother of his children?? She is either a horrid person or has massive issues

Message the guy ask him if his wife knows and dies he want you to tell her.

Not going to lie, this sounds like I've spoken to the man in the situation. I don't condone his behaviour at all and have since tried to remove myself from our friendship and have said he needs to figure things out with his wife. Or leave.
They go away on work trips to Rome, Paris and London and other places, how he gets away with it. and he lives in Manchester.
Sounds like him all over.

My advice would be to tell your sister to set a deadline and stick to it. Tell him that if he has not made himself fully available to her by X date (e.g. in 6 week, 3 months or whatever), then she is walking away. Do NOT tell her that he is just using her for sex because this is not likely to be true - one night stands can do that job, an ongoing relationship is filling some void that his marriage is not - and not only that, it will make her feel shitty. I am sure that being stuck in a situation like this with a man you love but can't have will take chunks out of your self esteem, so be gentle and kind but firm. Do not let her throw her life away on him.

While I don't intend to pour cold water on other people's advice, I certainly would not involve myself by telling the wife.
Your sister will know it's you and she will not thank you for your interference whatsoever. In fact, she may never trust you again.
I think your relationship with your sister is far more important than exposing this man or advising his wife. Who are they to you? Not your dearly loved sister, that's for sure. Strangers.

Stay out of this man's marriage. The drama and the resultant rift would not be worth it. It's not up to you to take control of her life like that. Don't do it.

Sorry
Don't agree with this
She is vulnerable and become emotionally attrached
She should not have gone there until he was divorced
However
We have no way of knowing if he told her that she was separating etc
I had a friend who went through a similar situation but did not buy the who "we are room mates and are in it for the kids". She told me that she imagined the wife being her mum. And how her life would be ruined if her dad had done that to the her mum. And her being the other woman.

Your sister although vulnerable is wrong. People should get arrested for cheating. In some countries it is actually a a time in prison offence.

@ironflan I've sent you a PM hope that's OK

I totally agree with previous posters who have said my sister won't be the only OW.
He has even admitted to her he's cheated in the past when working away in Australia and America (but she reckons that was somehow 'different' as he was younger then)
She's convinced though that she's the only person he's now seeing as when he's working away he video calls her every night from his hotel before he goes to sleep. So this week she's all happy as he's in France and she's spoken to him every night 🙄 whereas at home all she gets is breadcrumbs.

I really think he must be so slick and well rehearsed to keep pulling this off , for his wife never to find out or suspect. I've tried saying to her why would you want to be with someone who's such an adept liar?
She's just convinced of all the usual clichéd rubbish- he's trapped, settled down too young etc, was 19 when he met his wife. I'm really so tempted to either show her this thread now, or message the wife or him. The longer this goes on the more delusional she seems to get .

It wouldn't surprise me if this guy is a narcissist and your sister is his current or one of his current supplies. Or even worse!

Get your sister to read the psychopath by Mary Taylor Thompson (or watch the documentary) its a true story.

OP I had a friend who had similar (except he said he was single not married). Similar to your sister was love bombed and after quite a few years of no relationships. The more she described to me about him but how he wasn't able to do X because of his job it stopped being red flags and was like a blaring tsunami siren going off! She wouldn't listen at all because she would just spin off every response he had fed her!

15 mins of digging and I found he not only gave her a false name but was married with 3 children.
I couldn't stand to watch my friend spend potentially years being led down the garden path (it had already been 1 year) so I did contact the wife and sent her proof (a snap she had on her phone) and explained. His wife contacted my friend to confirm it.

Yes she was heartbroken at the time and I supported her. She's now married to a wonderful bloke and has 2 gorgeous children.
Consider contacting the wife but make sure you have proof as he sounds sneaky as hell (I took a photo of my friends phone with the picture on it of them kissing).

This - I had a “friend” (more of an acquaintance, really) who was best friends with the best friend I had at the time. She started an affair with her married boss and we were both trying to talk her out of it - she was asking us for “opinions” (or approval?) but nothing we said changed anything. It was years ago and I don’t remember how it actually ended.
I was going to contact his wife, but couldn’t work out who he was in friend’s contacts and knew I couldn’t ask her.

Yep, I agree, if married it should be at least a civil offence where you can sue for more of a share from the divorce.

Correct, she should be ashamed of herself.

I really don’t think there’s any need for you to take any action. Karma is fabulous and eventually this relationship will either explode or fizzle out.

His wife will find out what he’s like (if she doesn’t already know). Your sister will come to her senses, either because she gets fed up of being thrown crumbs or he dumps her.

If I were you, I’d tell my sister exactly what I thought of her choices and then sit back and wait.

She is a fully grown adult who chose to het involved woth a married man hate to disappoint and go against the mn code but she is as guilty as him it takes two to tango

This

I've told her today I'm really annoyed at her putting me in this position as she keeps telling me all the little details of her affair and expecting me to either condone her behaviour or console her when she's upset (which is often!) She's messaged me tonight annoyed as he'd been talking on the phone to her in the airport waiting for a flight and then had to hang up suddenly as his wife was ringing him. Everytime something like this happens we have the same conversation and she says she deserves a proper relationship and that she knows she should end it , and then it never happens. I've told her to stop coming to me with all these little 'relationship ' woes as I just can't condone her behaviour and I'm fed up with the whole thing.

@Tumblingthroughlife I think you have done the right thing. All her relationship woes are as a result of the type of relationship she has chosen and are choice consequences.

Hopefully, she will get the memo and you both can talk about other stuff.