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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair going on at work and I know the wife

104 replies

BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:40

Hello,

I started a new job a few months ago and I’m based in the same office as the two senior managers. One works at home a lot so he’s not often in. I’m only on-site two days a week and work from him the rest of the week.

Not long after starting I started to notice a female employee in and out a lot and being flirty with the manager who is office based every day. One morning I walked in on them, with her with a short skirt on/tight blouse and her legs open almost spread around his knees and he was rubbing her bare legs. I felt a bit awkward and pretended I hadn’t seen anything (as they moved away from each other very quickly once I appeared). He is 57 and appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. He’s a lovely man, to be honest, and we work well together. The other woman is mid-40’s and is married with two kids (one primary aged and one secondary). From what I’ve overheard, her husband is a bit of a useless husband. It sounds like she’s just carrying on as normal at home but having some fun. I’m not quite sure what she sees in my manager as he’s getting on a bit!

Anyway, they obviously go to the gym together (after work) so this is probably where it all started. They both get changed into gym gear at work and I know they both go to the same gym.

I caught them a second time doing a similar thing. She told me later he was looking at her shoe as it was falling apart 😂.

I then overheard another female colleague pass a remark about them both being in holiday at the same time. She raised her eyebrows as she said it and winked at another colleague. Being new to this workplace, I’m not aware of things that others are.

Recently, the woman has been moved to another building and I haven’t seen her much but it seems to be still going on. Not sure if something has been said.

The thing is, his wife is my best friend’s sister and I know her quite well. I’m not sure the husband knows who I am, in relation to her. She is a lovely woman and they’ve raised 5 children together.

This is tricky for me! Help.

OP posts:
BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:41

Work from home that should say, first paragraph

OP posts:
Thfrog · 29/09/2024 18:43

You're going to get told to keep your beak out. You're going to get told oh but it could be an open relationship. Personally I'd find a new job and tell the wife once you've done that.

Babbahabba · 29/09/2024 18:43

As he is a senior manager and you presumably are not, I wouldn't say or do anything to protect yourself and your job. It could go very wrong for you at work. I realise this isn't ideal from a moral perspective but you need to stay out of it in this situation.

Comedycook · 29/09/2024 18:45

I wouldn't do anything. I'd continue like I know absolutely nothing. Fwiw, I'd do this even if it wasn't a work situation. I don't want to get involved in anyone else's drama.

Spenttoomuchagain · 29/09/2024 18:51

Do you have an HR department?
Because if you are walking into his office and he is engaging in sexual activity with another employee then I would be reporting it. It's absolutely unfair on you to actually have to witness behaviour like that on the firm's premises while you trying to do your job.

BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:53

I think you're right. I'll pretend I know nothing. If she's been moved to another building, I'm unlikely to see anything else. I'll just feel a bit awkward if/when I see his wife.

I'm sure something else will come out as it's obvious the other colleagues know something.

I am actually looking for another job anyway as it's not really what I was looking for.

OP posts:
BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:55

Spenttoomuchagain · 29/09/2024 18:51

Do you have an HR department?
Because if you are walking into his office and he is engaging in sexual activity with another employee then I would be reporting it. It's absolutely unfair on you to actually have to witness behaviour like that on the firm's premises while you trying to do your job.

It was before my starting time. He starts at 8am. I start at 8:30. I walked in early (close to 8am) and she obviously goes in to see him.

Even if she isn't there, I know she's been in as her perfume lingers.

OP posts:
BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:56

I couldn't go to HR.

I would shoot myself in the foot!

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 29/09/2024 18:57

I’d keep out of it if I were you and probably look for a new job. I wouldn’t tell the wife, ever.

Autumnblackberries · 29/09/2024 18:59

"He's a lovely man"
No he bloody isn't!!

Autumnblackberries · 29/09/2024 19:00

She doesn't strike me as a 'lovely woman' either.

BananaSpanner · 29/09/2024 19:01

Just to add a different perspective. Say the affair comes out a different way and your best friend realised that everyone at work knew about it and asks you outright if you knew, how are you handling that? People who are your actual out of work friends are being hurt and would feel betrayed that you didn’t say anything.

I would strongly consider telling your best friend the facts of what you have seen. Let her do with that information what she pleases.

I give this perspective as I have been in a similar situation, kept quiet and when it came out, everybody fell out with me!

JudyLovesToPaint · 29/09/2024 19:02

He's not a lovely man.

Also, when this comes out and your best friend finds out, she'll want to know if you knew.

Not the environment I'd want to work in, I'd move jobs and tell your friend.

Spenttoomuchagain · 29/09/2024 19:02

Autumnblackberries · 29/09/2024 18:59

"He's a lovely man"
No he bloody isn't!!

Ageree.
By what stretch of the imagination is he lovely? Cheats on his wife and indulges in sexual activity in the office.
What's lovely about someone who is morally bankrupt?

Thisisnotmyid · 29/09/2024 19:04

Honestly OP I would stay well out of it.

You haven’t actually seen them do anything and you have no proof. What could you go to the wife with? You saw them in a compromising position and his office smells like her perfume? It’s not enough evidence and it could all backfire massively despite your best intentions.

BurbageBrook · 29/09/2024 19:04

I'm usually in the keep your nose out category if it's at work and could harm you professionally. But this is your best friend's sister. I couldn't not tell her this.

BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 19:06

Autumnblackberries · 29/09/2024 19:00

She doesn't strike me as a 'lovely woman' either.

His wife, I mean.

OP posts:
PMAmostofthetime · 29/09/2024 19:07

I think I'd get a new job as you were planning to anyway then tell your best friend that you have no concrete evidence but you suspect something is going on.

BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 19:07

BananaSpanner · 29/09/2024 19:01

Just to add a different perspective. Say the affair comes out a different way and your best friend realised that everyone at work knew about it and asks you outright if you knew, how are you handling that? People who are your actual out of work friends are being hurt and would feel betrayed that you didn’t say anything.

I would strongly consider telling your best friend the facts of what you have seen. Let her do with that information what she pleases.

I give this perspective as I have been in a similar situation, kept quiet and when it came out, everybody fell out with me!

I hadn't thought of it like that. I think I need to seriously job hunt!

OP posts:
Peanutbutterjelly123 · 29/09/2024 19:10

If your looking for another job anyway I’d get out then tell your best friend :) if it comes out and she found out you knew, it’s going to affect your friendship x

StripeyDeckchair · 29/09/2024 19:27

I'd go in to work one day & ask him, in front of several other witnesses, "oh Fred are you married to Joan? Small world! Her sister is a close friend of mine."

It will jolt him
If he doesn't stop the affair he'll be much more cautious (if he's got any common sense)

Job hunt
If/when it all comes out you can say you didn't work there long & he knew about your friendship with his wife's sister as reasons why you didn't know

Elasticatedtrousers · 29/09/2024 19:52

There is no WAY I could leave this. I would be finding a way of making sure that I told my friend. It’s horrendous that so many people know and are eye rolling about it.

Sorry but I could not just leave this.

And he is being a horrible human being, there is nothing lovely about infidelity and the abusive behaviours that go with it.

edited to say I do see you’re in a horrible position, I really feel for you!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2024 19:56

PMAmostofthetime · 29/09/2024 19:07

I think I'd get a new job as you were planning to anyway then tell your best friend that you have no concrete evidence but you suspect something is going on.

This.

Swiftie1878 · 02/10/2024 08:11

Find a new job and tell your best friend.
If my best friend didn’t tell me something like this, our friendship would never recover.

M340 · 02/10/2024 08:18

As someone who has just been the 'poor wife at home' please tell the friend. I have lost a lot of friends who were in the 'none of my business' camp as they all knew about my husbands affair with a mutual colleague of 2.5 years. If I knew a friend of mine knew about this I would never forgive them.

Thankfully I had a close friend who had a pair of bollocks about her who eventually told me. And saved me from buying my dream house with my STBX. Everyone's always 'it's none of your business' until it's your husband doing it.

Please tell her. Or at the very least tell him you know the wife. This wrecks lives. It doesn't go unpunished.

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