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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair going on at work and I know the wife

104 replies

BentleyBooBoo · 29/09/2024 18:40

Hello,

I started a new job a few months ago and I’m based in the same office as the two senior managers. One works at home a lot so he’s not often in. I’m only on-site two days a week and work from him the rest of the week.

Not long after starting I started to notice a female employee in and out a lot and being flirty with the manager who is office based every day. One morning I walked in on them, with her with a short skirt on/tight blouse and her legs open almost spread around his knees and he was rubbing her bare legs. I felt a bit awkward and pretended I hadn’t seen anything (as they moved away from each other very quickly once I appeared). He is 57 and appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. He’s a lovely man, to be honest, and we work well together. The other woman is mid-40’s and is married with two kids (one primary aged and one secondary). From what I’ve overheard, her husband is a bit of a useless husband. It sounds like she’s just carrying on as normal at home but having some fun. I’m not quite sure what she sees in my manager as he’s getting on a bit!

Anyway, they obviously go to the gym together (after work) so this is probably where it all started. They both get changed into gym gear at work and I know they both go to the same gym.

I caught them a second time doing a similar thing. She told me later he was looking at her shoe as it was falling apart 😂.

I then overheard another female colleague pass a remark about them both being in holiday at the same time. She raised her eyebrows as she said it and winked at another colleague. Being new to this workplace, I’m not aware of things that others are.

Recently, the woman has been moved to another building and I haven’t seen her much but it seems to be still going on. Not sure if something has been said.

The thing is, his wife is my best friend’s sister and I know her quite well. I’m not sure the husband knows who I am, in relation to her. She is a lovely woman and they’ve raised 5 children together.

This is tricky for me! Help.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:42

I always find these threads so grim as so many people justify not interfering.

Everyone who stays quiet in the face of obvious cheating is enabling cheating. Grim.

Staying quiet isn't a morally neutral position to take

I would move job op and then spill the beans.

Calliopespa · 02/10/2024 22:43

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:42

I always find these threads so grim as so many people justify not interfering.

Everyone who stays quiet in the face of obvious cheating is enabling cheating. Grim.

Staying quiet isn't a morally neutral position to take

I would move job op and then spill the beans.

Exactly what I think.

The whole thing is sordid.

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:43

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 02/10/2024 19:38

I wouldn’t think anything of it. Where DH and I used to work, half the staff were having affairs with each other, including some of the partners. When DH was made a partner, I had to attend social events and go away for the weekend with them and their wives for about 20 years.

Would you have wanted to know if your DH was cheating?
By the sounds of that workplace it's quite likely he was.

Fergie51 · 02/10/2024 22:47

i would stay out of telling your friend. The messenger is never, ever thanked for enlightening the wronged person. You will cause chaos in the home of your manager and his wife and feel very awkward at work. It would appear that others are aware of the situation already. There are times to intervene in life but I don’t think this is one of them.

saltysandysea · 02/10/2024 22:50

My rule of thumb for these situations is to not tell but also to not lie. The messenger is always shot, no thanks will be given. But neither should you be expecting to cover up the situation if asked.

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:50

Fergie51 · 02/10/2024 22:47

i would stay out of telling your friend. The messenger is never, ever thanked for enlightening the wronged person. You will cause chaos in the home of your manager and his wife and feel very awkward at work. It would appear that others are aware of the situation already. There are times to intervene in life but I don’t think this is one of them.

Personally I would, and have, done the right thing even if I know that far from being "thanked" it might make me unpopular.

Thisisnotmyid · 02/10/2024 23:01

Calliopespa · 02/10/2024 21:50

When you say it was just a compromising position in that dismissive way @Thisisnotmyid, how compromising would him being between her spread legs and rubbing them have to get for you to feel it was in any way quite telling? Would it make a difference if they were both naked? Or still just a compromising position?!

Op it’s blatantly an affair, and the woman getting hurt is your best friend’s sister and someone well known to you.

If you loved the job it would be trickier, but if you are looking for another job in any case, get on with it and then put this poor woman out of her miserable ignorance. Personally I’d tell your friend and let her break it to her sister. By then you can say you have left and it was a catalyst. But I can’t see this heading anywhere drama-free. I’d get a wiggle on and get out.

Show quote history

The OP has no proof and could well lose her best friend in the process. Her opinion (and yours!) of a compromising position may well be different to the wife’s and simply saying she saw ‘legs open almost spread’ isn’t exactly a damnable offence and the OP could have the tables turned on her and be made out to be a trouble maker.

Plenty of wives don’t want to hear the truth unfortunately and are happy to have someone else to blame.

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 02/10/2024 23:06

Would you have wanted to know if your DH was cheating?
By the sounds of that workplace it's quite likely he was.

It’s where DH and I met. We started going out with each other in secret; but nobody knew until I handed my resignation in and we didn’t keep it a secret anymore! My colleagues were astonished, because I hadn’t liked him at all, when he started.

As he was a partner, he was propositioned by clients, etc. DH can’t tell a lie to save his life. He just blurts out whatever comes into his head, without thinking.

Calliopespa · 02/10/2024 23:16

Thisisnotmyid · 02/10/2024 23:01

The OP has no proof and could well lose her best friend in the process. Her opinion (and yours!) of a compromising position may well be different to the wife’s and simply saying she saw ‘legs open almost spread’ isn’t exactly a damnable offence and the OP could have the tables turned on her and be made out to be a trouble maker.

Plenty of wives don’t want to hear the truth unfortunately and are happy to have someone else to blame.

Show quote history

Well he was also between those spread legs and rubbing them. I mean, there comes a point …

LonelyInDville · 02/10/2024 23:20

I would want to know, especially if my best friend knew. Even an anonymous email or something would be better than not saying anything.

brendacato · 02/10/2024 23:23

I would want someone to tell me, I won't say anything to him right away, I will just sneak up on him and investigate for myself...Then I will let him have her and go about my business. Not look back..

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 23:24

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 02/10/2024 23:06

Would you have wanted to know if your DH was cheating?
By the sounds of that workplace it's quite likely he was.

It’s where DH and I met. We started going out with each other in secret; but nobody knew until I handed my resignation in and we didn’t keep it a secret anymore! My colleagues were astonished, because I hadn’t liked him at all, when he started.

As he was a partner, he was propositioned by clients, etc. DH can’t tell a lie to save his life. He just blurts out whatever comes into his head, without thinking.

Of course. It's a work place where half the people cheat (at least) and noone tells anyone's spouse. But you are 100% certain yours didn't. I bet they all think that. For all you know some of them were sat there feeling awkward in your company because they know what your DH gets up to. After all, you knew and kept quiet, so how can you be sure?

Thisisnotmyid · 02/10/2024 23:37

Calliopespa · 02/10/2024 23:16

Well he was also between those spread legs and rubbing them. I mean, there comes a point …

Show quote history

Yes but again unfortunately it’s her word against theirs without proof. Tale as told as time sadly

Aavalon57 · 03/10/2024 00:23

Dennaes · 02/10/2024 21:16

OP, him being married to your best friends sister changes everything.
Get job hunting seriously and get out of there.
Then tell your friend.
I would never trust again a friend who wouldn't tell me this.
What your friend does with the information is her business, but you need to tell her.
He's a pig.

The humiliation of people knowing this and not telling you is a wound that rarely fully heals.

I agree with this. You left the most important bit in your post till last! You can tell your best friend - you've done your duty - then the rest is up to her. What a horrible situation to be stuck in.

Acornsoup · 03/10/2024 02:05

Tell your friend. Look for another job or don't. You can't be sacked, you haven't done anything wrong.

Elasticatedtrousers · 03/10/2024 06:32

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:42

I always find these threads so grim as so many people justify not interfering.

Everyone who stays quiet in the face of obvious cheating is enabling cheating. Grim.

Staying quiet isn't a morally neutral position to take

I would move job op and then spill the beans.

Absolutely this. It’s so grim that people know and gossip about it. Infidelity is abuse there is no way I could watch the abuse of another and stay quiet.

And yes I have warned a friend that I suspected something when a her husband was having an affair. I had no proof but I’d heard so many rumours/ so much gossip, I told her what I’d heard. I was not going to watch my darling friend being the butt of peoples gossip.

At the time we didn’t have any evidence but it all came out a couple of months later and she has often talked about how she knows I will NEVER betray her trust because of that decision I made.

It’s an awful thing to keep quiet when it’s your best friends sister. I can’t even begin to think of the level of betrayal and hurt I’d feel if someone I cared about kept this from me and I couldn’t protect my sister from further harm.

mummahbythesea · 03/10/2024 09:56

Treat people how you’d like to be treated. If your best friends sister saw your partner frolicking with another person, would you want to know?

Forget the context that it’s a work colleague. Would you want to know? That’s the moral compass in which you should deal with this.

I’ll tell you something, I would die for my best friends and wouldn’t want anyone they care about to come to harm either. I’d be straight on the phone to HR, grabbing a bottle of wine and calling an intervention with my best friend and her sister. Pitch forks and all. But that’s just me.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/10/2024 10:19

I would tell your best friend and it is then up to her whether she tells her sister.

It is really unfair that his wife is oblivious to this but her sister's best friend knows all about it.

I agree with other posters that he is definitely not a lovely man.

Also, it is still extremely unprofessional behaviour to engage in what seems like heavy petting in a shared office, irrespective of whether your starting time is later than his.

whathaveiforgotten · 03/10/2024 10:40

Viviennemary · 02/10/2024 13:28

Keep quiet. You won't be thanked. You 'caught' them. Are you a private investigator or just a busybody.

How is she a busybody when she walked into her workplace, presumably expecting to... work (like any normal person) and saw the following?

One morning I walked in on them, with her with a short skirt on/tight blouse and her legs open almost spread around his knees and he was rubbing her bare legs. I felt a bit awkward and pretended I hadn’t seen anything (as they moved away from each other very quickly once I appeared).

I've noticed you seem to have a knack for making any situation whatsoever the OP's fault.

It's an utterly bizarre thing to do in this case!

Plantparent · 03/10/2024 10:44

SweetSakura · 02/10/2024 22:42

I always find these threads so grim as so many people justify not interfering.

Everyone who stays quiet in the face of obvious cheating is enabling cheating. Grim.

Staying quiet isn't a morally neutral position to take

I would move job op and then spill the beans.

What happens if you need a reference for your next job? I would honestly just protect my peace and stay out of it.

Faldodiddledee · 03/10/2024 11:10

I would tell the sister, but more in a 'I'm not sure what I saw' way. That way you have alerted her if she wants to know more, or tell her sister, but not in a way in which you are accusing them, given that you cannot prove anything you saw, and it's easy for others to then say that was your interpretation.

Her sister will know the state of her marriage, and whether this is a recurring theme (it may be) and what the likely consequences of mentioning this are, you don't and I wouldn't tell her directly because it's too easily dismissed and will come back on you (she's exaggerating, she misunderstood, she's got a grudge, she doesn't want to work here etc).

SpiggingBelgium · 03/10/2024 13:39

never give an anonymous letter, it's the worst of all options.

100% this. Unless the wife already suspects, she’s far more likely to think it’s a cruel prank than serious information. Why would you believe an anonymous letter over your own husband? She’s upset and doesn’t really have any more information than she did before. Her husband is already lying to her - why wouldn’t he keep on lying?

Also, if the cheater is in any way aware of the connection between OP and his wife, the “anonymous” letter won’t really be anonymous at all. It won’t take a genius to work out that the person who both knows his wife and caught him in a compromising position is the person who sent the letter. Surely the point of it being anonymous is to protect the OP? This way she puts herself at risk and doesn’t help the wife either.

This approach doesn’t even do right by the OP’s friend. The value in the OP telling her is that she’s a trusted source; the friend knows the OP has no reason to lie. An anonymous letter means neither the friend nor the wife gets any benefit from this.

If OP is going to tell, she should do it honestly without any subterfuge.

SpiggingBelgium · 03/10/2024 13:44

Acornsoup · 03/10/2024 02:05

Tell your friend. Look for another job or don't. You can't be sacked, you haven't done anything wrong.

Except if OP’s boss and this woman back one another up and say this never happened, who does the OP have to corroborate her story? OP could be seen to have made a malicious allegation to a colleague’s spouse. You really don’t think that would cause problems at work?

Cheeseandbean · 03/10/2024 13:47

I don’t think you have seen enough to tell anyone anything at this point - that may change though.

i do think you should look for another job , move and reconsider whether you have enough evidence to say anything to your best friend at that point .

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 04/10/2024 11:30

@SweetSakura
But you are 100% certain yours didn't.

Yes, you don’t know the meaning of the word obsessive until you have met DH, who has many ND traits. He also has no filters, and came home and told me all about it, when a client propositioned him.

DH certainly could get sacked in those days, as the junior partner, if I’d told any of his partners’ wives, because they were all senior to him, and had more voting points in the partnership. Anyone who thinks otherwise is naive!