Affair going on at work and I know the wife

[BentleyBooBoo]

Hello,

I started a new job a few months ago and I’m based in the same office as the two senior managers. One works at home a lot so he’s not often in. I’m only on-site two days a week and work from him the rest of the week.

Not long after starting I started to notice a female employee in and out a lot and being flirty with the manager who is office based every day. One morning I walked in on them, with her with a short skirt on/tight blouse and her legs open almost spread around his knees and he was rubbing her bare legs. I felt a bit awkward and pretended I hadn’t seen anything (as they moved away from each other very quickly once I appeared). He is 57 and appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. He’s a lovely man, to be honest, and we work well together. The other woman is mid-40’s and is married with two kids (one primary aged and one secondary). From what I’ve overheard, her husband is a bit of a useless husband. It sounds like she’s just carrying on as normal at home but having some fun. I’m not quite sure what she sees in my manager as he’s getting on a bit!

Anyway, they obviously go to the gym together (after work) so this is probably where it all started. They both get changed into gym gear at work and I know they both go to the same gym.

I caught them a second time doing a similar thing. She told me later he was looking at her shoe as it was falling apart 😂.

I then overheard another female colleague pass a remark about them both being in holiday at the same time. She raised her eyebrows as she said it and winked at another colleague. Being new to this workplace, I’m not aware of things that others are.

Recently, the woman has been moved to another building and I haven’t seen her much but it seems to be still going on. Not sure if something has been said.

The thing is, his wife is my best friend’s sister and I know her quite well. I’m not sure the husband knows who I am, in relation to her. She is a lovely woman and they’ve raised 5 children together.

This is tricky for me! Help.

I wouldn’t think anything of it. Where DH and I used to work, half the staff were having affairs with each other, including some of the partners. When DH was made a partner, I had to attend social events and go away for the weekend with them and their wives for about 20 years.

I think you need to tell your best friend, and leave it up to her to tell her sister.

I couldn’t forgive my best friend if she kept something like this from me and let my sister suffer.

Can you not just play dumb to your friend?

"Oh Susie i'm so sorry to hear Jane and Dennis aren't together anymore"

When she asks what you mean say, oh he seemed to be with x at work and i assumed he and Jane were no longer together.

Only works if you aren’t close with your friends sister. Then its on your friend to deal with not you. You're totally innocent and didn't intentionally do anything did you...

She deserves to know.

Just about to say if you know where the wife's sister lives put a note try to disguise writing through her door etc

I'd tell the best friend, but just the sparse facts you've seen/heard, not speculation. And look for another job.

He's a senior manager and the woman has been shunted to a different building, he may be very aware that the OP knows his wife and has orchestrated the move in an attempt to avert suspicion. I'd pointedly drop into a conversation with him that I know his wife, but only in earshot of other colleagues and when it felt safe. Let the cheating louse squirm.

The people saying 'keep your beak out' would likely think differently if it was their spouse blatantly cheating and they'd been the last to know.

Why don’t you explain it to your best friend? She can decide and your moral duty will be fulfilled.

Not the smartest advice but if I were in the position I’d be telling my best friend there was something up and encourage her to do the detective work/tell her sister about the speculation.

I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut

If I looked for another job (which you should and which could take ages) and then told her, my bf would be furious I didn’t say anything before.

OP, him being married to your best friends sister changes everything.
Get job hunting seriously and get out of there.
Then tell your friend.
I would never trust again a friend who wouldn't tell me this.
What your friend does with the information is her business, but you need to tell her.
He's a pig.

The humiliation of people knowing this and not telling you is a wound that rarely fully heals.

You could casually mention that you know his wife! At the very least, it will make him much more cautious! You don't actually have any concrete proof that he is having an affair (although it's probably very likely!) and without it, telling his wife could end up being a mistake. No one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage - they could have an open marriage or she could be very well aware he's having an affair and has turned a blind eye.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. I would keep my mouth firmly shut as its none of your business.

Tell the wife, do it anonymously.

“Thankfully I had a close friend who had a pair of bollocks about her who eventually told me. And saved me from buying my dream house with my STBX. Everyone's always 'it's none of your business' until it's your husband doing it.”

^ This

You need a new job. The ins and out of whether to tell the wife or your friend are irrelevant. Cultures where affairs are prolific and well known and accepted are toxic. Especially when they involve senior people who hold all the power. You will be made to feel like some judgmental goody-two-shoes if you show any disdain and you’ll swiftly meet a glass ceiling, so you’ll be expected to laugh along and eye roll and ignore the drunken Christmas antics that play out in front of your very face like it’s all good-humored “banter”. I speak from experience here. I call this culture Corporate Gaslighting because you’ll be made out to be the problem if you don’t play along.

^^^ this is what I'd do. I'd feel a moral obligation to give someone the option to make an informed choice.

I'm usually of the keep your nose out and protect yourself variety, but in this case, I'd probably chat to your best friend.

I'd look for another job anyway if this one isn't suiting you.

I wouldn't necessarily say he's having an affair, I'd be more likely to talk about how her sister was, ask about her marriage and say why you are asking- you noticed her husband seemingly getting quite flirty with a woman at work. Let them fill in the gaps if they are interested.

When you say it was just a compromising position in that dismissive way @Thisisnotmyid, how compromising would him being between her spread legs and rubbing them have to get for you to feel it was in any way quite telling? Would it make a difference if they were both naked? Or still just a compromising position?!

Op it’s blatantly an affair, and the woman getting hurt is your best friend’s sister and someone well known to you.

If you loved the job it would be trickier, but if you are looking for another job in any case, get on with it and then put this poor woman out of her miserable ignorance. Personally I’d tell your friend and let her break it to her sister. By then you can say you have left and it was a catalyst. But I can’t see this heading anywhere drama-free. I’d get a wiggle on and get out.

I'd lay off the RomComs or Fatal Atteaction.

Somebody bursting in to managers office to find legs spread or another time searching for a shoe under the desk...

It might have happened in 1980s Wall Street films or similar.
It didn't happen in 2024 where you can shag anywhere other than the office.

*Attraction

Fatal or not.

Or just say “ I’m not sure if it’s an affair or if he just turned round quickly and walked accidentally into her spread legs then was rubbing them to check what it was he’d got entangled in. “

You sound the worst kind of gossip around.

Honestly, get a life.

No win situation. If you say something, you cause loads of upset for your friends without much evidence. If you don't say something, you risk them finding out a different way and hating that you didn't say anything.

I've been both sides of similar situations. The feeling when you realise that everyone knew except you is absolutely bloody awful. For this reason I would tell your friend. Keep it fairly casual and factual. 'I walked in to the office and saw xyz - might be nothing but thought you should know'.

It’s your best friend’s family. It would be impossible to “mind your own business” and your friendship is at risk if you don’t do anything. I would look for a job elsewhere and then tell your friend.

I remember being in a workplace where an affair was going on. My married female colleague was very open about it. She wanted us all to play happy families with her - she’d flash around her family photos. She expected us to smile and ooh and aah whenever her husband and young kids came after work to get her. And then around lunch time she would sneak off with her boyfriend. It was so stressful working under those conditions. Thankfully, someone at work gave her 2 weeks to tell her DH or they would. She was so outraged though and told all of us in the office about it. She said “They should just mind their own business!”
Anyway, she didn’t tell her DH and the person who gave the ultimatum then told him. They split up after that. She still did not think she had done anything wrong and was annoyed.
I was glad it was all over - it’s so hard when you see those children’s faces and know what they look like.

@Chaiilatte
never give an anonymous letter, it's the worst of all options.

@BentleyBooBoo I'd tell my BF & discuss the best way to tell her sister. Job hunt hard.

Also disagree with anonymous letters - the poor wife will look at everyone, wondering who it is. And her dh will dismiss it as spiteful nonsense!

I'd let him know that your best friend is his wife's sister & you know his wife.

A good time to mention this might be next time you happen upon them while he’s looking for a lost shoe between her spread legs … or whatever the excuse was.