How to introduce toddler to new partner

[zebrastripes99]

I've been separated for a year now from my husband And have Been seeing a guy and things are starting to get a bit more serious

He knows he doesn't want kids (his own fine by me) but says he wants to keep pursing things with me and knows that means meeting my 3 year old.

We've agreed to just go to McDonald's with her like a casual setting with no pressure

He has no children experience and says is nervous around them but willing to meet her

Am I doing the right thing or do I just put a stop to it all before it's too late 😬

I want to keep things going with him but scared he'll hate me/my child in a situation where he has to view me as a mum

Thanks

If he doesn't want kids of his own and your relationship progresses how would he feel about living with your child?

Not for a long while yet if it were me (probably never since he's made his feelings clear about not wanting children). I think we're all pretty much unanimous on here in feeling very uneasy on your behalf about this. Don't you feel it? You should, tbh!

Too soon

What do you mean by "has to view me as a Mum?". You are a Mum. If he doesn't accept that, then its the wrong relationship to pursue.

Except those blended families aren’t mostly happy are they? Most are a fucking nightmare for everyone.

And a lot of kids end up neglected and fucked up because their parents prioritize their own emotional needs over what is best for the children. Instead of prioritizing parenthood, earning a good living, supporting the child's education and dating discreetly, they self-gratify by jacking complete strangers into the daily lives of impressionable and vulnerable children.

It is absolutely absurd to consider an acquaintance of several weeks one's "partner" let alone contemplate inserting them into the life of a toddler who still is processing trauma.

It is so sad and enraging to envision the thousands of kids exposed to the revolving door of mummy's boyfriends and daddy's girlfriends for the next 15 years. Getting attached and then losing adult after adult has real and permanent effects on their brains.

How to introduce toddler to new partner

You don't...

... problem solved.

Sorry OP, but i just wouldn’t.

He’s told you he doesn’t want kids and has no experience with kids. So why does he want to meet YOUR kid? Clue: he doesn’t. He wants you. And at best will tolerate your child so he can have you.

It is actually fine though for him to not want kids and for you to continue the relationship. He doesn’t need to meet your daughter. And as long as you’re willing to keep your sex/dating life and your life as a mum, completely separate in the long term/ for the foreseeable, there’s no reason to end the relationship.

Anything else though is exposing your daughter to someone who is at best likely indifferent to her, and at worst may well resent her. And we’ve all seen enough news reports to know what happens sometimes when non-bio parents are brought into the family home.

Just- don’t.

indeed - the sad reality.

Yes wait AT LEAST 15 years until the child is an adult and then find a fire with cool ashes and smear yourself.. and don a sack... NO WOMAN with children should EVER consider a relationship !!

Do you not know the MN rules ??

I met a man about two years after splitting with dh. I intended to wait a year but after 6 months I felt strongly about my bf and felt I needed to see how he was with the kids and more importantly how they felt about him. He was a friend of a friend though so some of my closest friends knew him and his family/friends. We waited about two more years to move in.

They can date outside the presence of their children.

But playing house with the new squeeze doesn't generally work out well. (yes there are outliers but as others have said, generally it's a dismal experience for the children.) Look at all of the posts here about the outcomes when arseholes are moved in or latched onto far too quickly.

There will still be plenty of time to find a man/woman when the kids are adults.

I’ve got kids and I’m in a relationship but my kids will always come first. No one is asking op to wear a chastity belt but we are saying be responsible and calm the fuck down! There are no shortage of men out there and maybe she would be better suited to one that liked kids and wanted to have kids in the future ( or actually had one).
I don’t blend families but we do outings together when it’s appropriate and by that I mean my dc want to do an activity with his dc but it’s never mandatory. I still have plenty of time for my dp but my kids happiness comes first!

Bloody hell! I'm a single parent and although I'm not dating, if I was I'd be waiting until we'd been together at least 2 years

Why are you so desperate to rush into this man meeting your DC when you’ve only known him a few weeks?

And why are you worried he’ll see you as exactly you are - a mum?

A couple of years ???

This is Mumsnet !, surely you should be ashamed- with such liberal views .. ?

Personally I would be waiting until they are at LEAST 18 and even then pander to every desire they have ... are you some kind of delusional mother ?

@AboutVattime No need to be so extreme. People are saying don’t rush , not thats she’s a Jezebel for wanting a relationship.

The thing that stands out for me OP is your comment about him seeing you as a Mum. You are a Mum and actually he does need to see that and understand your child will always come first.

Don't forget, she must first ask her adult child if she's ready for her to date and if she says no then there must be no further contact with men.

I am very much looking forward to seeing all the research backing up the idea that being part of a 2 adult household with all the financial, practical and emotional advantages that brings is much worse than living with a single parent carrying the entire physical and psychological load of running a home by themselves. I'm sure people wouldn't be insisting that was the case if all they had to go on was a few threads about dysfunctional blended families on Mumsnet, so I wait with baited breath for the studies.

^^

@MrsSunshine2b For your own research, read a few serious case reviews in which one of the biggest single risk factors for harm to a child is a new male partner.

Get a grip, no one is saying she needs to live as a nun. People are telling her to wait a little, prioritise her DD first instead of the need for a relationship, and test him out. If he's decent he'll stick around and understand. It not, bullet dodged.

She's not at any point suggested she's about to leave him to babysit the child alone. She's suggested meeting up with him in McDonald's to see how they get on. How many of your case reviews involved a child being abused over the course of eating a happy meal?

Playing house...they're going to McDonald's not moving him in!!

Providing it's done in an appropriate way - ie no PDA or making it into a 'this is mummy's boyfriend/partner/special friend' scenario - I don't see why it's any different to introducing them to any new person. I used to regularly have friends, male and female visit my home when I was single and my dc was a toddler.

But yeah op, don't date or meet people or basically have any type of life until your dc is 18 or you're just a selfish harlot who prioritises their sex life over their child.

She hasn’t mentioned her sex life. Maybe she isn’t sleeping with him?

Genuinely how would a casual meeting in a public place cause any harm to the toddler whatsoever? Of course you would want to wait until it was rather serious before partner became a 'fixture' in child's life with regular contact. But I absolutely can't see the difference between casually introducing your child to a date and anyone else at that age.

My then-toddler met my now fiance a couple months into lunchtime dating before anything at all had happened. Felt it was important to see them interact before I took it any further. I met his kids before it became too serious too - if they were total horrors and/or hated me I wouldn't have continued the relationship, and saved a lot of the issues you see on the step parenting forum.

Me and my partner are both sociable people who had close friends of both sexes who spent time with us and our children, so it wasn't a big deal to our kids at all.

I think its far more problematic to wait a couple of years - at which point, you would probably be in love with an established relationship. If there are clearly issues when introducing the kids, in reality it would be very difficult to break it off at that point if everything else was going great.

Agree its early to be saying 'partner' thoughl

See this: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30247060/

Statistically, risks of homocide of child of step father and natural father of similar ages is the same after child is 4. Parent demographically statistically most likely to kill their child is a young biological mother. Similar statistical issues with abuse.

I don't believe a new male partner can be one of the 'biggest single risk factors'. That also wouldn't work statistically. That would mean, for example, a healthy and wealthy woman in her thirties dating someone of a similar background - that child would become just as at risk of harm, than, say, if their mother had developed a heroin addiction. Dating someone as a single parent shouldn't be seen as a 'risk factor' alone. That's incredibly regressive.