How to introduce toddler to new partner

[zebrastripes99]

I've been separated for a year now from my husband And have Been seeing a guy and things are starting to get a bit more serious

He knows he doesn't want kids (his own fine by me) but says he wants to keep pursing things with me and knows that means meeting my 3 year old.

We've agreed to just go to McDonald's with her like a casual setting with no pressure

He has no children experience and says is nervous around them but willing to meet her

Am I doing the right thing or do I just put a stop to it all before it's too late 😬

I want to keep things going with him but scared he'll hate me/my child in a situation where he has to view me as a mum

Thanks

He has no children experience and says is nervous around them

Hello, red flag. Funny seeing you here.

I want to keep things going with him but scared he'll hate me/my child in a situation where he has to view me as a mum

YOU ARE A MOTHER.

It sounds like it's too soon. @zebrastripes99

Ask yourself:

• Is this more for me or DD?

• Has new man requested to meet DD, if so why?? What's his agenda? Trying to extricate himself into your life too soon? Grooming? Lack of understanding of need for stability for children?

• What benefit does it serve? Is this so he can come over and make life easier for you/him? Not thinking of DD.

• I know this may sound extreme, but, a new male partner is a significant risk factor that has been identified on quite a few serious case reviews. Be wary of any man who is keen to meet your kids so soon. It benefits them in no way usually unless they have an agenda.

When my children were toddlers we had a very busy social life and they were introduced to people all the time. At the play groups, barbecues, picnics etc. I don't see how meeting with your boyfriend would be different then meeting with a friend? Just go somewhere where your child can play and don't meet at your house (keep it low key and safe).

Going forward he'll need to understand you are a mum and your child is your priority. Otherwise there is no point in progressing the relationship.

You have every right to a sex life but your whole focus is way off beam here. Your primary obligation is to your child. Why does she need to meet a man you barely know?

Why are you scared he’ll hate seeing you as a mum?! It’s what you are, and he already knows that! Any man who suddenly gets a limp dick when he sees a woman with her child is not worth wasting your breath on, let alone your precious time.

And to suggest he may hate your child is just bizarre. If you genuinely think that’s even a possibility, why would you consider exposing her to that? And why is your first thought about how that would affect your fledgling relationship, not what an utter wanker that would make him?

Seriously, until you know him well enough to be sure that both those question are completely irrelevant, leave your little girl out of this.

Wow, this is way too soon. He also doesn’t want kids so why are you with him? And why are you planning to introduce your daughter to him?

Way too soon. Don’t do it

Please don't.

Please prioritise your child's wellbeing over your sex life.

The children whose mothers follow the path you are on end up miserable, in numerous different but devastating ways.

Just keep it casual. Date him, see him whenever your child is with dad. Don't introduce him to your child until the honeymoon period of your relationship has long gone. Any man can be on best-behavior for a few months. If he still seems like "the one" when you've slipped from hot passion into companiable comfortability, when you've had a few arguments and made up again and you know he doesn't process anger with violence or emotional abuse - THEN consider introducing him as one of mummy's friends (casually without any implication that he's any more special than any other friend. Make sure you see other friends just as frequently in similar ways. If he moves on then it needs to not matter too much.

Yep this!
Why on earth are you worried about his view of you or your child? Your priority in this scenario should be 'Is he acting decent enough in front of my child?' Not the other way round!

This in spades!!!

Way, way too early. 2 years minimum & even then, this imo, isn’t going to work. If he doesn’t want his own kids, why would he want yours? Carry on seeing him but put your DD’s safety & stability first so I’d not be introducing for a long time.

You’re separated from your husband, not even divorced I assume and you’re throwing yourself into the world of dating apps?

Why not at least focus on your child and her adjusting to life without her Dad in the house, and getting the paperwork finalised before you even think about introducing men you’re dating to your child.

I don’t think he’s compatible anyway. He doesn’t want kids but he will have to accept you have your children as the priority. That’s hard for anyone to have to accept on the long term unless they have kids to prioritise as well.

People (without kids) say they’re okay with it but you see it on here all the time that they’re really not, and it then causes issues for the poor children later on down the line.

Exactly. Why would you endanger your toddler's life? Research shows that the biggest risk to children are from step parents/ new partners. It's called The Cinderella effect- Google it.

This.

Your child has been through enough already. Don't be forcing a stranger into his/her life.

Think about it, does he realise that your daughter will be part of his life? She isn't some thing in the background that won't have any effect on his relationship with you. She will be part of it. Three of you in this relationship. Unless he understands that, it is irresponsible to introduce him to your her. I noticed your title is centering him in this. That's quite telling.

I think it’s way too soon. Your child has only experienced the separation a year ago, which is no time at all so better to wait. Think about it from your child’s point of view.

I would honestly take your time with the relationship. To be so serious about someone else after just a year of separation is very quick. There is no hurry, so take your time.

@zebrastripes99 while it feels like we’ve all been a bit harsh on you, I wanted to share my experience.

I was prob you about 5 years ago ( with older children). I met my current dp, thought he was amazing. I was in a rush for him to meet kids but I put brakes on as my family gave my head a wobble.

I continued to date my dp, went on holiday with him and spent eow and other child free nights with him. I got to know him and also I spent time with him and his dc so see what kind of dad he was.

2.5 years later he met my dc. I got slammed in mn before as was goaded by other posters that maybe I didn’t trust him ect to leave it that long. But happy I did and that he was patient with me. He’s great with my dc but for you I don’t know how it will work out as your boyfriend doesn’t want / like kids.

Really have a good think.

It isn't necessarily the same tho. My sister's partner doesn't want kids. If she feels pregnant he'd support her bit she's one and done. He's a good step Dad and they have a good relationship. He just doesn't feel the need to produce his own. He doesn't dislike kids.

Ah the misogyny. You wouldn't say that to a man. Any decent relationship is about much more than sex. You are disgusting.
Don't leave it too long. Someone I thought I might have a future with didn't like my children. That's fine but what a waste of time for both of us.

8 weeks? If this is true fgs leave it longer.

Yes I would say it to a man too, if he swapping partners as often as he changes his socks with young children in tow.

Too soon!

seems way too soon. Protect your child and wait at least a year.

The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male. You've known this bloke a matter of hours.
Any bare minimum decent man would decline to be around your child after a few dates with you as it's obviously not in your kids best interests, which are the only thing that matters.
You need to safeguard and prioritise your child.

Don't make a big deal of it- invite him to come on a day out with you or something. The idea of waiting years to introduce a new partner is typical MN hilarity! You know it's serious, so just introduce him as a friend and see how they get on. The time to spot any red flags is now.

You've been separated for a year and call this new man your partner! He isn't! You need to know each other for at least a couple of years before he meets your child. Single mums with one child are popular with men; the mums have somewhere to live, there's food in the fridge and they don't get out that much so are grateful for the attention they get. This sounds cynical, but I'm telling you 'cos I know.