Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

She was so desperate to continue the relationship she got rid of her coil and easily got pregnant before you broke up (or somehow anticipated all this from the start and never had a coil in the first place) yet she was also so uninvested in the relationship that she was cheating on you?

Can you hear yourself? You seem desperate to make her out to deserve the shitty treatment that she’s received thar you’ve made up some barely plausible nonsense to justify it.

If you really want to fix things, a substantial, sincere apology from both you and your family for the terrible way you treated/viewed her (and frankly, are still treating/viewing her — you said in this very thread that you feel it was all rather “convenient” for her contraception to have failed, so you clearly still hold a negative view of her) would be a good starting point.

No self-justifications, no minimizations, no “but we thought…”, just a full, sincere, apology that you were wrong about her and wrong to act the way you did, paired with asking her how you can fix things and then doing what she actually says.

Surely there is a part of EOW that you could definitely collect your son for? What do other parents do in your job?

Yes my son did and she got pregnant.

Guess what ...DNA proved it WASNT his child.

@CheekyHobson but no one here knows I was wrong about her. I was wrong the way I handled it yes, but none of you know my ex and you're all assuming she's been an Angel in this. I said she's a good mum, I've apologised to her for how I behaved, I now want a more active role with my son, I know it's a lot to ask after how things started but it can't go on the way it is forever with her resentment. As someone else said we've been split up years now

The problem is that your story doesn’t really make sense. A woman doesn’t cheat on her partner and then deliberately get pregnant to him so she’s tied to him for life. It’s never “convenient” for a woman to find herself a single mother with a man whose family look down on her and who she has to call to account through the legal system.

Nobody is saying she’s an angel (just a normal person in a difficult situation) but it seems rather unlikely she’s the devil you’re making her out to be.

I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from this OP.

Perpetuating this narrative that she had the baby on purpose, lied about it to trap you into being a couple, and letting your parents continue to believe that she is a terrible person is a ridiculous way to treat the mother of your child, no matter how you feel about her as an ex partner. And digging your heels in about the childcare situation instead of proactively coming up with a solution is not helping anyone, either get your parents to apologise for their shitty behaviour or stop putting them front and centre in the childcare arrangements.. You can't expect her to be happy to hand over her child to them when they can only just muster being 'civil' to her.

You don't know the truth of what happened, you keep saying 'well that's in the past now' for all your (many) shortcomings as a father, so why not afford her the same luxury, draw a line under it, start treating her with a bit of respect, start to put some proper arrangements in place that suit her as well as yourself and you could become quite a good parenting team.

@dadof195

How do you even know it is resentment? Rather than trying to keep a level of security and stability for a young child that she is understandably very protective of. She has sucked it up enough to invite you along to so many things, to encourage visits from you from a young age, to invite you to his birthday party. I mean, she's been pretty good to you so far.

You just read as a total narcissist. She has asked you to give a set time and to show up for it each week if you want weekly visits. You set up this thread hoping somehow we would give you the magic bullet for convincing a woman you let down to give you access to your son whenever you felt like it. We've all told you that it should not work quite like that and you need to make some sacrifices and step up, which you say you have taken on board, but so many of your posts are just about telling us that "she is bitter and resentful and she did horrible stuff in the past too" - I think you are the resentful one. You've been caught out - you have behaved badly and you don't like being in the wrong so you deflect and blame the woman, rather than accepting you really do have a point to prove.

It's really pathetic.

I agree - not a COVERT narcissist

I'm sorry, your so called "traditional" parents wanted your ex to have an abortion and advised you not to help her one iota with what transpired to be your son.They aren't "traditional" one bit and they also refuse to apologise - they are just damn nasty! They didn't like her, and they didn't want their son with her - that's the truth. Wake up and smell the damn coffee.
You were all there too in your male bs "turmoil" going on about how you suspected cheating and how the relationship was 'rocky'...So rocky and traumatic was that indeed - except, by dates, you were clearly still sleeping with her without any condom right up until you left her!
You and your parents totally disgust me. You all placed blame on that woman because she refused to abort (which was your easy out!) NOW you all expect contact with the child you all wanted rid of. 😵

Just "yuck"! Go man up and be a damn good Dad. As for your parents - she would have to be very generous indeed to allow them access. I have daughters, and if ANY man behaved in the way that you have towards my daughters I would frankly be furious!

So my parents and I should just go away and not have a relationship with my son because of what's happened in the past? Is that the advice?

"A relationship" isn't always best for kids. You have to put the work in to make it a good relationship. An occasional fair weather dad when you can be bothered, and grandparents who hate his mum, won't do him much good in the long run.

I'm pretty sure the advice in no particular order is...

1. Always put your child's best interests above your own needs and wants
2. Change your job so you can be present and consistent.
3. Build up contact slowly because that's in the best interest of your child.
4. Apologies for being a prize prick in the past.
5. Take responsibility for the fact that you didn't use contraception and stop blaming the pregnancy on her.
6. Stop suggesting that she trapped you, removed her contraception or got pregnant on purpose to keep you. You are not a catch
7. Give her the 6k in CM that you should have given had you actually taken responsibility in the first place.
8. Grow the fuck up. You are a dad and a role model now. .

You are now throwing toys out of the cot.

But honestly, have you taken on board ANY of the comments?

1 You are still resentful of what you see as her behaviour during her pregnancy. Her being upset you had accused her of things. Your suspicion that she got pregnant on purpose. Her refusal to take your views (ie abortion) into account. The fact that she told people about your behaviour. Do you understand that we are saying you need to let all of this go? That she didn't cheat, she had the right to choose to have the baby, and you, by your own admission, behaved badly so you don't get to be surprised she bad mouthed you. Can you let this resentment go?

2 On that note, can you see that nonetheless, she has actually been quite accommodating - allowing you to visit, inviting you and your parents to birthday events, taking 6months before she eventually asked for money when you didn't volunteer it?

3 You appear to understand that longer term, regular and consistent contact would be helpful. Great. In the meantime, are you willing to commit to giving her plenty of notice when you can make it work (no last minute stuff). Similarly, do you understand the importance of keeping your DS in a routine so when you see him, accomodating that whether it's when and what he eats, his bedtime routine etc?

You are getting a hard time becuase you seem to think that your bad behaviour should just be let go, while you're harbouring insane resentment for what you perceive as HER bad behaviour and simultaneously, you consistently tell us the things you are doing that you think make you a hero, while ignoring the questions about the things we suspect you're doing that probably piss her off.

I think tbh he needs to confirm paternity before giving up 6k.

The concept of workplace flexibility sounds great in practice, but it isn't always good for the needs of the business, so it is generally frowned upon and in some cases outright refused.
To the op.
DP knows that his children are his own. He established a business that enables him to share custody of his children 50/50 without the need for discussions about child support or expenses. This is what you need to do to maintain a stable relationship with your children
My situation is similar; we have set days, but all parties agree to last-minute changes made in advance, making the whole co-parenting process easier. This approach may not be fashionable on Mumsnet because some people prefer to passively punish the other parent indefinitely.

@missPaternity has been confirmed.

My advice is to go and be a Dad first and foremost - keep your parents out of the deal. Be a BLOODY GOOD Dad. If your parents want to go and apologise for their nasty (not traditional at all) behaviour - be up to your ex whether she accepts that. Honestly, your whole tale has a victim - and it wasn't bloody you!

@dadof195 is this actually the grandparent who are writing this thread?? it seems to be really concentrated on them rather than their son and grandchild???

You know full well that’s not the advice you’ve been given and you are only damaging your credibility further by petulantly acting like it is and making it sound like you are looking for an excuse to tap out.

The whole thread of advice is there for you and everyone else to read.

To be blunt.
If you have sex, there is a chance the woman may become pregnant. This is a joint responsibility the cost of this type of thinking is also borne by society via the tax system in the form of benefits.
Sex isn't the freebie people make it out to be.
Now there is a child. Stop whining and get cracking on access via mediation and court. You have to live in the present regardless of both party's thoughts and feelings.

I would also wonder why, if you really thought she was cheating on you, you didn’t think protecting yourself from an STI by abstaining or by using a condom was a good idea?

I personally don’t know any mums of young kids who work paid employment full time, but I appreciate some do

It’s not surprising that this is what you have taken away from this thread. You don’t seem able to see past the end of your nose.

YOU should be stepping up as a father with a set schedule for contact, you’re the one putting barriers in the way of that so it is up to you to find a solution, which works for you and her. YOU should then be facilitating contact between your son and your parents during YOUR time, she shouldn’t be having to deal with them at all.

That’s how it works, fobbing the child off on to your parents who hate your ex is not a reasonable solution.

you refuse to answer how much time your parents are having the child over the weekend when you are supposed to be having him which really speaks volumes imo.

You live at home with Mummy and daddy don't you, and it will be Mummy and Daddy looking after your child when you have contact with him - as you have refused to say how long the child would be in their care if they were to collect him from nursery or at weekends.

The mother has offered you EOW - sort yourself out !

I have no idea what sort of job makes you work more than EOW ? you are not a Doctor in an A&E department etc. more like a long distance lorry driver, and I do wonder if these weekends are voluntary overtime...

remember every time you whinge on here,

this child that you suddenly want to care for as much as possible and asap

would have been an abortion if you and your vile parents had had anything to do with it....

oh yes

and...

you would be £1000 better off every month !!!