Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

You have to make your mind up OP.

Do you now love DS? Are you glad he’s in your life? Do you want to do your best? In which case you now need to drop the attitude that she should be grateful you have changed your mind.

Sadly, by not taking responsibility with contraception, you also risked this situation occurring. She did use contraception, so you’re potentially more culpable.

It’s all irrelevant.

Swallow your pride. Drop the stinking attitude. Be thankful and grateful to this woman.

Are you planning to tell DS that he’s only here because his mum lied about contraception? That she’s lucky you can be arsed with him because you told her she’d have to go it alone? Because she’s not good enough for you?

I'd like to take on 50% of the care in future if I rearrange my life for this, but I don't think ex would allow it

Here's a little truth bomb for you... in the unlikely event that she DID remove the coil and get pregnant on purpose, that doesn't actually change anything else.

You clearly still dislike this woman. You clearly still think she behaved badly. The reality is that no advice anyone gives, and nothing you do, will improve things because your disdain and mistrust are dripping off your posts and she will be 100% aware of them. You seem to think that she should be prioritising you in all things, and at all times and when she doesn't, you bleat about how you are the victim.

I'm nt really a fan of diagnosing random strangers on the internet, but I'd put money on you being a covert narcissist!

So you are back to what you told mummy and daddy. Boo bloody hoo. You are determined not to take any responsibility for your part in the pregnancy, she was a convenient shag and that's all. You seriously need to grow up, because your latest post is dripping with pure pure spite and resentment. I feel so sorry for that poor kid who is unfortunate enough to have you as a father.

Well of course not. You're not doing any so far, why would she give you half? And you absolutely can rearrange your life for this, everyone can, all good parents do. Besides, if you really want 50/50 and are willing to make the changes, the courts will grant it. But I don't get the impression that you will bother.

Ah.

Did it hurt your head to hold the contradictory beliefs that (a) she had the coil removed less than a year into a relationship because you were on a good wage and she is a gold digger but (b) she also shagged another bloke or blokes at that time, thereby risking another (less wealthy) guy being the father?

@dadof195

Hahahaha 50 per cent care?!

When they go to school, it gets so much harder than when they are are nursery, covering school holidays, a 3pm finish. I cannot see you doing 50:50. You have absolutely no idea what that involves - up until this thread, you were prepared to give up nothing of your life

Your parents have taken against your ex but want access to her child and to pick him up from her house. Not reasonable. They need to build bridges with her first.

You're all just making assumptions now, she wasn't a convenient shag. I did care about her otherwise I wouldn't have been with her in the first place. There were just some differences I couldn't get past. I've already accepted I acted badly in relation to the pregnancy, I was in total shock

I think it was pretty obvious what you meant OP. I think you're trying to do the right thing. Don't just give up your job particularly if you like it and it pays well. Hopefully you and your ex can come up with something that works for you all, certainly start asking your employer for more notice for days etc.

You should be so grateful to your ex - she has done all the hard stuff and is still doing all the hard stuff. So that you can have a child who calls you dad. One day, if you have a baby with a woman whom you deem worthy, you might begin to understand what a fool you are at this point.

Well I thought it was okay if I can't collect can I not nominate another family member? Like if our son is at school or nursery and she can't collect because of work she can send someone else can't she?
Children, especially small children, need routine. If they are going to get picked up by a different person to usual, they need to know that person (ideally very well) and have spent time with that person and their main carer. At your son's age, under two, most parents would be trying to limit the number of other people picking their child up as much as possible. Many will only pick up their child themself. As your ex finds routine important, I imagine that her "not being able to collect because of work" would be a rare event, and if it does have to happen, she would want someone your son knows well to do an emergency pickup.
You, too, should be concerned at the idea of your son being picked up by someone he is not very familiar with, feeling confused and scared and possibly crying for his mum or you.

Have you read any books about parenthood? Perhaps you could read up on the subject so that when your ex does things that other caring parents do all the time, you recognise that it's normal and don't jump to conclusions about her motives.

I think you will never know the answer to this so it's useless going back over it. I've heard of quite a few woman getting pregnant with the coil in. It doesn't always stay in place and can collapse on one side or both. What ever has gone on , you have a son together and he should be all that matters. What if she is telling the truth . Id leave it and stop focusing on the past and how she came to be pregnant.

Yes, and if you were posting a day or a week after you found out, “in shock” would be reasonable.

But not throughout the pregnancy and six months after the birth!

Absolutely, OP, I've read everything you've posted. I still don't think you get the impact of having a baby - alone- has one a woman's life. You want others to collect your child for contact? No, not happening until you've been consistent enough for her to trust that you won't let your son down. You've made a bad beginning - how many times have you agreed to to leave work to pick him up from nursery because he's sick, how many times have you had to have a difficult conversation with your boss, because your son is sick and you need to take time off. When you don't have enough sleep, because your son has been restless overnight, but you still have work in the morning. Coping with all that and million more things makes a parent. That's what she did - alone. You've got your work cut out to ensure you never let your son down again. Because when you let down your son's mother, it's him you're really letting down.

You have accused her of trapping you and getting pregnant. The only person she trapped is herself. She's tied to you forever. Poor thing.

You have accused her of lying about contraception. You blame her for the pregnancy.You've accused her of cheating.
Your upset that she decided not to have an abortion. But, your equally upset she didn't want you at the birth of a child you claimed not to be yours. You're upset she went to CM but did nothing to establish paternity and gave nothing prior to the paternity being established.

You're upset she talked shit about you but frankly you deserved it.

You claim to know you did wrong but you haven't apologised and you still continue to behave like a victim and not take responsibility for this shit show. You want things your way on your turns.

I'm not surprised she's digging her heels in. I'm sure she questions your priorities.

What are your working hours on a weekend if you say you can have him but not collect him? How long would your parents have to have him for?

Then your parents are deluded and it won't be in anyway positive for baby you donated the sperms for to spend any time with them

I'd be disappointed at my son for stringing along someone "really unsuited to him" while having unprotected sex with her. I wouldn't be saying anything to her, no.

Your parents are blaming her for all of this and you are unashamedly letting them. She has no reason to facilitate them whatsoever, and I wouldn't want anyone who thought that way about me and is vocal about it to be around my child personally.

Especially people who can only just bring themselves to be 'civil'.

On the contrary. It's pretty obvious you did her a massive favour by breaking up with her. You seem to have no redeeming features at all...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's not up to your ex. if you get 50% of future care for the child.

Get legal advice, a solicitor and court will always try and allow 50% care for a child as thats what is best. There are reasons why it may not be allowed but thats normally around things like safegaurding and the likes.

Thank you @blackpooolrock

@blackpooolrock @dadof195

I don't think there is any court that is going to give 50:50'to a dad who has never lived with or really cared for his two year old child. A dad who has two kids he has lived with and brought up to this point, yes.

It is really grim, OP, that you are thanking someone who is suggesting that he should lawyer up to try to force his ex to lose so much contact with a child in these circumstances

Maybe start with demonstrating that you can be reliable, consistent and you have your child's best interests at heart.