Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

It would help your ex but then you don't care about that, you are only interested in what makes your life better. She had to shoulder 100% of the financial burden for the first 6 months. And given your child is now almost two, it's pretty bloody obvious you won't pay up.

He'll have to do what singe mums do - put the kid before the career. Women manage it.

Yeah, because so far all you've done is prove you are unreliable and flakey and volatile.

You STILL haven't said when you asked for this access to your DS this week. So I'm assuming it's a last minute thing.

You also STILL haven't told us anything to make me believe you parent him at a sufficiently high level when you DO have him. Nor have you answered other people's questions about whehter you ever have him overnight. So again, on the assumpion you're a bit of a Disney dad, swooping in and out with little notice and no interest in maintaining a routine for your DS, I can see why she wasn't impressed at your 50/50 suggestion. hahaha.

I think overall she's very unhappy with how things have turned out and this is a way to get back at me
Or maybe it's her son she's thinking about, and he's the important one here? Maybe it's not all about you, but about making sure a tiny child isn't passed around from one semi-stranger to another like an object?

Definitely not covert

😂😂

Although I disagree - covert narcissists are always convinced they are the VICTIM. Nothing is ever their fault. Even if they admit that maybe they could have done XX differently there's always a "BUT" plus, often, an attempt to SHARE the blame, "you weren't perfect, you behaved badly too, we both have to make more effort etc".

Honestly, the more OP posts, the more text book it becomes. I could turn this into one of those TikTok posts..."10 things a covert narcissist will say to you"/

I think overall she's very unhappy with how things have turned out and this is a way to get back at me

Or it’s her baby. The one she carried, the one she gave birth to agd tye baby she cared for on her own fur nearly two years. She was the one to do all the night feeds, the waking up, the teething etc…

So she is protective (Is mama bear telling you something?)
She also doesn’t trust you to look after her baby properly. Why should she? You have no experience, either from looking after another toddler nor from looking after your toddler/baby for long periods and are clearly relying on your parents a lot. You also haven’t yet changed your own lifestyle to accommodate type child.

So no, she isn’t getting back at you.
She is trying to get some semblance of routine (set days) in place. She still trying to facilitate contact at a level she feels is appropriate for a child less than 2yo. Which might not involve overnight yet btw.

You need to start looking at the needs of your child, incl their attachment to their main carer, aka your ex, their mum. You need to start putting the child first.
And you need to prove yourself as an involved father that has put the child at the centre to his choices.

Did you not think of taking some responsibility for your fertility yourself and using condoms. Why is it some men think contraceptive is a woman's job?

And yes, I bet being left pregnant and alone by someone she was in a relationship with probably did leave a bitter taste in her mouth.

With regards to picks up, yes I agree you need to be doing them until the trust starts to build again and not letting your parents pick up the slack.

Mate. You were together less than a year. Then you spent 8 months questioning her integrity and six months not paying anything towards your child. Then you put her through a DNA test. Then you didn’t adjust your life to offer any childcare, and now, what, another 12 months on, you are still squawking about how you couldn’t possibly do EOW (which she has offered) and how you couldn’t possibly talk to your parents about apologising to her. And you clearly still think she had the coil removed without your knowledge.

If she has any sense, which I suspect she does, I imagine she has no regrets theee days about the break up and is thanking her lucky stars she’s not with you any more!

Same unfollowing might as well be banging our heads against a wall he can't see he is utterly the problem no matter what anyone says . I hope to god his son turns out better than he did absolute sorry excuse for a man

Just stop it OP.
Are you glad your son is alive or not?
If you are, what the fuck does it matter what motivated her to have your baby?

I promise you she does not want you back now.

You have absolutely no fecking idea how much she loves that little boy. Wants to do everything she can to give him the best life. Handing him over to judgemental people like you and your family who have made no amends for what you did. No apologies or thanks. Well she’s right to think those people not be the best people to hand him over to isn’t she?

It’s been about 2 and a half years since you were last a couple. Her thoughts are much more likely to be about her son and giving him stability. And not handing him to people who doubt the values of half of his genetic make up. Not very likely to be about ‘getting back at you’. Although since you mention it. You could go part way to solving that by APOLOGISING and THANKING her for bringing your son into the world.

' I will admit my parents have high expectations of me as well '

well you have really let them down haven't you

no contraception
calling the mother a liar
wanting your child to be aborted

and now you have the nerve to start demanding your parents collect this unwanted child up from nursery etc.

the child that should have been an abortion...

wow just give it a few years until your son finds the above out...

@SheilaFentiman @DreamHolidays

Sorry for confusion. I didn't mean coil is affected by ozempic etc, just that coil and pill are not always 100 per cent affected - they can be compromised without people realising. Therefore the man should not rely on female contraception if he isn't willing to risk pregnancy, including because of honest mistake

Sorry, effective not affected!

Myself, my parents and extended family are trying to move on from this situation. I will certainly never be telling my son he was "unwanted", my parents wouldn't do that either. And I should hope my ex wouldn't be making him aware of that, as it wouldn't be in his best interests to know that information! I'm happy he's here now, I have a bond with him and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me

Have you looked after him overnight yet, OP?

You stated you spent most of your time together but then you suddenly doubted you’re the father??🤔🙄🤣 No wonder she doesn’t accommodate your demands.

Do what women have to do when juggling work and childcare- ask work to accommodate or change to a more accommodating job (yes usually for lower pay).

I wouldn’t be handing a baby over to people i didn’t know well (including parents) and I’m guessing there is a reason she is reluctant to -
were they vocally against her when she wasn’t pregnant? Were they your ‘advisors’ in denying the pregnancy?

This reads like it’s made up or one of those things you see on facebook

Well it’s time you stopped being an arsehole about his mother then.

Because if you keep this up, your DS will find out. Maybe someone will think it is in his best interests to know why his mother struggles to like any of you, and why you have so little respect and a festering bitterness towards her.

Send her some of that £6k even if you can’t afford it all. Apologise. Say thanks. Say you were wrong. Drop all your anger and bitterness. Prove yourself. Get your parents to prove themselves. Because one day your son will know how you reacted, he’ll ask you about it, and you want to be able to genuinely point out how you were wrong and how you apologised and were so grateful to your ex for your son.

@dadof195 answer some questions instead of continually slagging off the mum of your child!!! do you live with your parents or do you have a place of your own? if you are unable to collect child from nursery then how long will it be till you are available? are we talking half an hour or two day??? you have continued with the nasty comments regarding your ex yet your parents do not seem to be at all bothered about your not keeping your dick in your pants or at least putting a hat on it!! you dont deserve a child and they most certainly dont deserve to have a grandchild!! you have a lot of growing up to do!! btw you and your parents sound like really horrible jumped up people and your ex is well rid!

You treated her terribly and your parents sound like horrible snobs. Surprised she gives you the time of day tbh.

To answer some of the questions- yes I have him overnight. But this is only when I can collect him as she won't allow any one else. So it's not eow.
I don't pretend I know all about parenting, I'm still learning. I can change nappies obviously, been doing that since he was a newborn as ex always had me hands on when I visited, I bath him, feed him play with him all the usual. He knows I am dad, we cuddle, he's sometimes difficult to get to sleep and wakes up quite a bit. I try and keep the routines I know he has with ex. I know what foods he likes. I have my own house and have all the things I need for him now

It's easy to move in when you're the one who's been hurtful and behaved terribly. It probably not so easy when you're on the receiving end of the bullshit and witnessing the victim mentally.

Your ex absolutely doesn't want you back. Trust me she would have to be CRAZY to even consider it. I imagine she is a bit disappointed because frankly to say your behaviour has been disappointing would be an understatement.

I have a bond with him and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me

Then your main aim should be to reorganise your life so he is in your life. I mean properly in your life. Like at the very least EOW plus hols.

And it does mean set days. How do you expect your ds to feel if there is no routine?babies/toddlers and children thrive on sort of routine. When they know this weekend I’ll see my dad because it’s his weekend.
How do you want your ex to organise her life if she never knows which days you’ll have him? Eg to organise nursery? Or do you expect her to pay for 5 days of nursery even though you’ll have him 1 day a week (an example. I’m sure you get the gist)

Im afraid you’re a bit clueless if you can’t see how hard it’s making her life when you cant even do set days.
And how annoying it is that you want things in a way that benefit you wo a thought for the cost it has for her. Whilst your life hasn’t changed at all but hers bears no ressemblance to what it was. When You expect your ds is fitting around your life not the other way around when she made her life fit around him.

You still have some growing up to do @dadof195

It's easy to move in when you're the one who's been hurtful and behaved terribly. It probably not so easy when you're on the receiving end of the bullshit and witnessing the victim mentally.

This!!

well said, @MamOfGirls2