Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

It never fails to amaze me how a man who makes zero effort to prevent baby-making, can then blame the woman for getting pregnant 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Sex without contraception = (quite often) pregnancy

How do grown men not understand this????

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT A BABY OP, YOU SHOULD HAVE EITHER ABSTAINED OR WORN A CONDOM AND WITHDRAWN BEFORE EJACULATION.

(I'm shouting so the information hopefully sinks in)

You are a grown man, 50% responsible for every child you create, so if you don't want DC, abstain or put a barrier between your sperm and the egg, It really is that simple.

And stop blaming the woman for "tricking" you. You were taught in primary school how babies were made, you honestly can't claim not to know unless you are mentally impaired in some way.

Grow up and admit you rolled the dice and lost and now you're fucked off you have to deal with the consequences, so you're blaming her.

So no one here thinks it's possible for a woman to lie about contraception? My ex was distraught when we split im sure she wanted to continue the relationship. This is all pointless now though and I'm asking how to move forward as a dad for my son. I'm thanking people for different advice and ideas

She could have lied about contraception 🤷‍♀️ who knows.

But it wouldn't have mattered if you had worn protection would it?

It's YOUR responsibility to prevent any babies you don't want.

You have no idea if she would or not. Because you aren’t even 1% of the way to showing you are capable of this.

Stop slagging her off. She’s bringing up your child. She’s loving, feeding, clothing and caring for him everyday. Like she has for the last 2 years or so.

You owe her all the gratitude in the world for ignoring your selfish arrogance and bringing him into the world. If you keep this up, and your child finds out how you have behaved, he’ll cut you off when he’s older.

Grow up or leave them both alone.

But how did she manage to get pregnant after you had finished the relationship? Before then she presumably didn’t know that you were ending it so didn’t realise that “Project Trap Him” was needed. And afterwards it was too late. No sperm available.

Contraception comes with a failure rate. Everyone knows that.

Also - I’m confused. I thought that she was shagging someone else?

If you can’t commit to EOW, it’s kinda unlikely you could do 50:50 care, isn’t it?

So what if she lied? You should have taken responsibility yourself if you were going to be such an absolute arse hole about her getting pregnant. Pregnancy is a very real possibility when you have sex without being responsible. Your attitude of shagging women who aren’t suitable for you long term and leaving them to take care of pregnancies is repulsive. If you thought she was so below you in terms of values you should have predicted a contraceptive failure.

I bet she isn’t distraught anymore. Now she’s seen who you and your family are.

Lots of people have given advice on how to move forward. But you don’t like it. The more you try to blame your ex, the more we hold a mirror up to your behaviour.

So in short, this woman who was so distraught you left her, why would she not go out of her way to be nice to you now? Because you and your family been a bunch of cunts to her that’s why.

So, you need to make things up to her. Thank her. Apologise to her. Swallow your substantial pride as the big important man, so that you can get what you want. Stop believing she should be grateful. Try to respect her. She’s made some brave decisions. You owe her, not the other way round. Honestly.

Coils fail and also have to be replaced periodically so that they don't fail. Just like the pill doesn't work if you have a stomach bug or take things that cause malabsorption (hence lots ozempic babies) Maybe your ex didn't realise that she was up against the expiry date, sounds as if there was a lot going on in your relationship at the time. That's not deliberate to trick you - it might be a bit careless, but you didn't sign a contract in blood. It's no less careless than not using a condom on your part and just assuming she would have it covered indefinitely.

It is actually quite hard to get an appointment for a coil removal whenever you like it. I've had friends who have had to wait ages, even though the coil has caused them to have a constant period!

So no one here thinks it's possible for a woman to lie about contraception?
Of course it's possible. My tip would be to keep that suspicion to yourself, as repeatedly voicing it does not make you look like a very pleasant person. You have no proof whatsoever that your ex has lied or deceived you, so your assumption that this is the case reflects badly on you and no-one else.

So that’s the first step. Decide what you’d like to see happening.

IF you really want 50/50, then yes it would mean reorganising your life/work so you are in a position to say you can FIRST (so that means you’ll have change stuff even if it doesn’t work iyswim).

Then, I’d go through a sollicitor.
It’s likely that you’ll be told to do through mediation first. But you can certainly go to Court to request a 50/50 split.
It’s not up to your ex to decide what the split will be or which days you’ll see your child. It’s supposed to be a negotiation where the needs of both parents are considered with the needs of the child always coming first. And then the Courts if you can’t reach an agreement. You need to ready for your ex to not be happy with the idea and fight back though. And I’d encourage you to look at what’s best fir the dc too!

Which also means that, as your dc is under 2yo, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to get 50/50.
But you can request EOW and the gradually increase the days.

Finally, I hope your hope to get 50/50 isn’t driven by the idea you wouldn’t be laying CM.
If you have your dc 50% of the time, you’ll have to step up massively. (And Wo your parents constant support. I’m not sure they are encouraging the best attitude from you tbh)

@lemonstolemonade i dint think medication etc… has any impact on the copper coil (or even the Mireva coil).
The aim of the coil is to stop implantation rather than stop ovulation iyswim so doesn’t rely on hormones.

Mirena:

The hormone released into your uterus by Mirena prevents pregnancy most likely by: Thickening cervical mucus, preventing sperm from entering the uterus. Inhibiting sperm movement so it's more difficult to reach and fertilize an egg. Thinning the lining of your uterus.

Copper coil:

The copper IUD works by preventing sperm motility and viability within the uterine cavity by causing a localized cytotoxic inflammatory response. [33] Because of this mechanism, copper IUDs are also an extremely effective form of emergency contraception if placed within 5 days of unprotected intercourse.

HTH.

Your ex wants you to have LO every other weekend which you can do. But you can't pick him up. From nursery or her house? And are you at work? And until when? She doesn't want your mum or dad to pick him up on a Friday EOW? Could you pick him up EOW Saturday morning and drop him back Sunday night? And then offer to have him in the week if she needs? Including sick days etc, which might involve you calling into work sick. It's hard because at 2, little ones often want Mum, but you could offer.

I can't help but think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Bottom line, young kids do need Dad if Dad is good enough Dad. Equally you could be painting yourself in a good light. Don't know.

You would ideally build up to 50/50 I think. I think court is best avoided myself but I can see there is something stuck here.

I can't help but think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Bottom line, young kids do need Dad if Dad is good enough Dad. Equally you could be painting yourself in a good light. Don't know.

I wouldn’t exactly say he’s painted himself in a good light…

I've said numerous times now that I am going to seriously assess my work situation, look at the options, if it means I need to change jobs to be able to be an involved father I will.
I didnt come to slag my ex off, some of the context is relevant. Like I said in opening post when I found out she was pregnant after we split I really didn't believe it, she was upset at the split so I thought it was one of those ploys to get me back. I was honest from the beginning that would never ever happen. I think she thought that would change though or maybe change once I saw the baby. I think overall she's very unhappy with how things have turned out and this is a way to get back at me

He has admitted he made errors, no? For the child, which is the important thing here, there's little point in nurturing a sense of grievance about it all. Acknowledge and accept, and moving on would help everyone. He's asking how he can build a bridge and be in his child's like and lots of responses are just stuck on 'no, you can never make up for it, look what you've done, you evil bastard.' How is that helping?

Because he STILL thinks he is the hard done by one here @Littleorangeflowers

There is a post there that has asked if he is autistic and is that the reason for his social ineptitude. I rest my case.

The kid is nearly 2 now right? I don't think those excuses fly any more. You didn't make any changes before now, you probably wont now. It's not like anything you've read here is revolutionary, you already know you have to make an effort and didn't. Babies come with a handy 9 month prep phase.
Did you speak to work about flexibility today? If not, why not?

I can’t read any more of his bullshit and woe is me self entitlement .
Nothing we say is getting through to him. He’s still blaming the mother of his son.

‘she was upset at the split so I thought it was one of those ploys to get me back’ …. Yeah cos you sound like such a catch !

Your an twat and your parents are arseholes .

Goodbye 👋
Im switching off

I'm not autistic, nor am I covert narcissist as someone else kindly suggested.
I've broached the idea about 50/50 in future when my son is old enough with my ex and that went down like a led balloon

Actually a lot of posts have been clear on what he can do now to improve the situation. Like pay the 6k child support he denied his ex until she forced his hand by going to the cms. But he doesn't want to do that.

But if he works shifts, set days may not work. And work probably won’t allow him to change his shifts to be able to! I think it is terrible how he behaved and didn’t pay for first six months, so not defending him in anything apart from the shifts situation!

I did not say I wouldn't pay the 6k csa from before the claim, I just said I don't think it will help overall