Everything is destroyed - relationship with my family, my husband, my friends. *Mentions suicide* Edited by MNHQ

[almondmilk123]

Complex and long story.

THE BACKGROUND

There is autism in my family, diagnosed in my kids generation, undiagnosed previous to that. I am one of three sisters. One is severely mentally ill, BPD/autism spectrum, she is violent, no partner, no kids, supported by our dad. My other sister and I have had more normal lives.- she has no partner but 2 lovely kids, I have a husband and kids.

My 'well' sister and I both had sons a year apart. Hers was a year older. He would often hit my son and generally seemed to dislike him. I got upset, but my husband got even more upset. My sister dismissed it and told me it was my fault for inadequate supervision. Over time as the boys got bigger, the behaviour from her son got worse and the situation became intolerable. The two boys got on better, but he was still hitting my son, pulling his hair.

I felt unable to talk to my sister because she wouldn't hear it. To be fair to her I was in my head thinking the word 'psycho' about her son but I never said it, I was much more diplomatic. Her son nearly died after birth from an infection and I believe now that she felt as if my criticisms of his behaviour was somehow a threat to his life. I didn't fully appreciate how traumatised she was.

My husband is a mildly narcisisstic drama queen from a very messed up family. He has many good qualities and he's not an outright villain but I'm still trying to work out where the line lies. He got so ramped up about the situation that I felt completely trapped between him and my sister. He got very angry with me about not taking on my sister and putting her above our son. He had a point.

My sister wasn't listening, my husband wasn't listening.

When my husband decided we needed to move out of London, I went for it. I thought it would put distance between my son and his cousin, and ease all the tensions.

My sister was devastated that I left London. Very angry. We had horrific rows about all sorts. She would close down conversation about the problem calling it a 'powder keg'.

After we left London, my husband took it upon himself to work away from home and ended up living with my dad for a bit. My husband is very entrepreneurial and capable of earning money but has put us through a lot of financial strain, also just general upheaval (we moved house 6 times in 7 years).

My dad's anger at my husband's hijinks had been building up for a while and now it exploded in a terrible row. He couldn't see why my husband would take me out of London then return to live with him, my dad. I could see where my dad was coming from but his rage wasn't helpful, it was devastating.

Meanwhile son was being diagnosed as autistic - I believe this was partly why my nephew's behaviour towards him distressed me so much. Perhaps my nephew's behaviour was normal, but my son wasn't normal, he was more vulnerable than most kids his age. That wasn't my sister's fault and explains why she couldn't see it from her side. I didn't even know he was autistic so couldn't explain it that way. Should she have tried a bit harder to understand my point of view? I don't know.

My husband returned home and got a good job for a while, then quit that to do lots of amazing projects with interesting people that didn't really pay and put us under terrible financial strain.

I should earn my own money but I have been bullied in the workplace and fired many times and am probably on the spectrum. I would like to work - I used to work very very hard when I was young, I held down two jobs at times - but I have specific work-related trauma. The only work I like is hospitality but I'm 53 and my joints are caving in from the menopause.

THE INCIDENT

November 2022 I am visiting my elderly, immobile mother in law, and I'm bringing my daughter because my mother in law loves her. I plan to stay over with my dad as he's on the route. We've been getting on well, i've been loving hearing his stories of late, although he's clearly losing his memory. He doesn't give much of a shit about whether or not he sees my daughter but he is perfectly sweet with her. Thats just him, by now I've begun to suspect he's on the spectrum.

My dad tells me not to bring my daughter that night becuase he wants to talk to me about his will.

I say i must bring her because my mother in law will be disappointed not to see her.

My dad isn't really clear what the issue is. He's talked to me about his will before - its usually some phenomenally boring legal tweak. Or something about my mentally ill sister and how the will will deal with her.

I call my 'well' sister who is the main carer for my dad - what's going on? She says its fine, just go up there with my daughter.

I get there. My dad takes me into his study and tells me he's putting me on special measures in his will, the same special measures he's put in place for my severely mentally ill sister. It's because he worries my husband will spend all the money. He's very worried about our children and wants his inheritance to go to them. He thinks DH will spend it all. We will have to speak to lawyers to get any money from the inheritance. Even for small things. They will block it if they think it's not sensible expenditure.

I was worried about my DH spending the inheritance too, so I planned to put a deposit down on property for them in their name, which we can rent out until they need it. My DH is very keen on that too thankfully.

My dad says we are not allowed to buy property, it's a very dangerous way to invest money. This sounds outlandish to me.

I feel like I'm falling off a cliff but then my dad brings in my 'well' sister. He says she agrees with everything, that I cannot look after various practical aspects of my own life. He tells me various things that I know she thinks - criticisms of me - but he wouldn't know if she hadn't said them to her.

At this point I feel like the walls are falling in on me but my dad doesn't seem to notice. I wonder how I'm going to explain this to my DH, who gets angry when criticised.

I get angry and distressed. I feel like I'm being fired from my family. My dad tells me I'm behaving like our severely mentally ill sister.

All this time my DD is in the house.

Somehow I get through the night, get to my mother in laws, get home. I'm streaming with tears the whole time but I don't say anything to anybody.

I'm teetotal but on Monday I buy a bottle of whiskey and tie a rope around my neck. I drive drunk to macdonalds at 3am, buy a load of burgers, eat them and vomit them up.

Husband hides the whisky, by wednesday I'm sober.

But I can't talk to my dad and my sister. That has been established. They do not understand. They do not listen. I cannot bear to experience their incomprehension. I block them.

I carry on with my life, fantasising about hanging myself but knowing I won't. I'm not that far gone. But I'm in so much pain.

THE AFTERMATH

Almost 2 years later i have tried to talk to my sister but she closes down the conversation when it gets too difficult. She says my viewpoints are extreme and she has nothing to usefully contribute. She says she doesn't understand me, and she doesn't want to talk about these things.

My friends don't understand. It's too horrible for them, too shocking, too wierd, too unlikely, too complicated. Suicidal? FFS! What now! They've never liked it when i'm in the grip of big painful feelings, and now I'm like that all the time. I edit out that side of me, but I've only been happy enough to see my best friend once since it happened.

So my friendships are dying. Not all, I have one friend having mental health and marital difficulties I feel very close to. But some very important friendships are withering.

My husband is partly the cause of all this. He's done some very stupid things around money, said some very stupid things around money to my dad. Been a drama queen, been shockingly moronic.

He's now started a successful business (touch wood) but our relationship has been under terrible strain since it happened and I'm not sure we'll ever recover.

The fact that my relationship with my husband has been so affected makes it hard to discuss the situation with my dad with wider family. They would understand strains between my dad and I (and possibly even my sister) I but I feel too ashamed to open up about my husband's part in it.

EPILOGUE

Last week was my dad's 90th. In anticipation of it I'd tried to mend bridges with him and my sister and it was going well.

The party was thrown by my sister and there was a big presentation and speeches about how marvellous he was. I only found out about that the day before and felt unable to participate.

While it was going on, I felt as if I'd been ambushed again by my sister and my dad working in cahoots against me and around me. Irrational but I guess I was traumatised by the will incident.

"What about severely mentally ill DS?" I wanted to scream while it was going on. "What about how I was tying a rope around my neck 18 months ago?"

Instead, I stood by and cheered. The day wasn't about me.

The wider family was there - 50 people.

It was like a public divorce from my father and my sister, with my whole extended family on both sides bearing witness. It was hidden, it was implied not explicit, but it was happening.

I feel numb now. I can't talk to anybody. Not anybody. Thought I'd try mumsnet.

I feel like I've read a different thread to everyone else!

OP, your dad said he didn't want your DH to get your inheritance, and he questioned your mental health. In response, you drank a bottle of whisky, tied a rope around your neck, and went for a late night drive to Macdonalds? You were lucky that you were not arrested and sectioned. Or maybe it would have been a good outcome for you to have been sectioned as clearly this is extreme and dangerous behaviour.

I think you need to be addressing all your issues with a psychiatrist. You may need medication to help regulate you emotionally. You certainly need more than just a counsellor.

I'm sure your husband and family are an integral part of these problems and issues, but you first of all need to take responsibility for getting help for yourself. It's not completely unreasonable for your family to consider you have diminished mental capacity in the light of your behaviour. You need to find appropriate psychiatric support for yourself before worrying about what your DH or other family members need.

Yes i did know that. The issue at hand is not the legality of what he did. It's the fallout for the relationships.

The money is not the issue, people! It stands in fir love, respect, security which are all things OP does not know how to get on her own.

That is how I fear they see it. It sounds extremely damning and definitive the way you put it. I see shades of grey.

yes, i mean people are totally spot on that my father was NBU when he came up with the plan. And as much as many people are tearing into me, it's helpful and a relief to hear that said by so many people.

But there is another side to the story.

This Your husband's chaotic lifestyle isn't compatible with yours do you will need to find greater compromise or may even split.

I'm sure there are 'shades of grey' and that this is very complex.

However, it is also true by your account that this is what happened. As an outsider, I think you are mentally unwell and in need of psychiatric and potentially medical support.

You describe yourself as gentle, empathic, resilient - and I'm sure you can be all those things. But your behaviour as you describe is violent, impulsive, dangerous and a huge reaction to the stated trigger.

I think you need to stop thinking about and analysing the other people in this situation and first of all get appropriate mental health treatment for yourself. I'm not saying that everyone else is fine and you're the problem. Everyone else also sounds like a dramatic, chaotic mess. But you're the only person you have control over, and you clearly need help.

I'm with your dad and sister. You've allowed your husband to dictate your life and seem unable to make sensible decisions for yourself and your family. Who moves their family 6 times in 7 years? You have some agency too but you put yourself across as a victim in every situation.

Try a bit harder, go on, see if you can be even more sarcastic and irrelevant 👏🙄

The money isn't an issue?
I stand to inherit a pretty big sum, I'd be spitting feathers if my siblings got more than me.

I think you can ring 111 & ask for mental health support. You feel in your writing is slightly manic, think especially if you are not sharing how you feel with others & previous suicide attempt you need proper psychiatric support. Ask for help.

DBT isn’t recommended for ND people, however, especially those on the spectrum.

Agreed-- or bipolar.

In your position I would speak to a psychiatrist for yourself also. You've had a very, very extreme reaction which could suggest a degree of emotional instability. If that is the case, you don't just need to accept it; there is plenty of therapy/medication which could make an enormous difference to your life.

Yes - this was brilliant. I liked this reply a lot. ADHD but also narc.

You liked it a lot because it took the focus away from your behaviour, your decisions, your agency, and your responsibility.

Your husband may be a narcissist with adhd. But he's not the one drink-driving with a noose around his neck and then wondering why people think he's mentally ill.

Really? How odd. You know it could all end up going on a care home? I couldn’t care less if my parents leave their money to the cat shelter, it’s my responsibility to pay off my mortgage and care for my family, I don’t need anyone’s money to help me, family or otherwise. If Mum and Dad decide my brother needs more or less then so be it, it’s not mine.

You also need help, it is not just him. Also I would avoid armchair-diagnosing narcissitic personality disorder.

Nice, more nuanced.

Psychiatric talk can be used to 'other' people all too easily. I myself used it against my severely mentally ill sister (she was violent to me and it helped). I now find myself on the other side.

I know I can't act out, or I'll dig myself further into the 'othering'.

But I don't feel able to carry on as usual with the family.

So what do I do?

Historically, when you look deeply into mental illness, there is a validity to the subjectivity of the person who is in the 'ill' category. I guess I'm just trying to explore what's valid and what's not on my part so I can build a basis for going forwrds.

And as for me being mentally unwell and needing a psychiatrist, that may be true but clearly I'm too high-functioning for anyone to funnel me in that direction. I could refer myself but I don't feel like it.

Following this one intently op.

i feel similar, but have different circumstances.

I hope you find some peace

OP there is obviously so much going on here but I see similarities in my own life as I'm the same age as you, autistic and from a very dysfunctional family. Also I can't work due to chronic fatigue and burnout and am relying on an inheritance.

I feel that you have a very good understanding of your family. However, you're used to being bullied and I think what may be happening is that you are pointing out the truth and they are bullying you to shut you up, instead of speaking to you as a normal person. You've got no-one in your corner. The trouble is that they pushed you too far, and you reacted to the chaos in a bit of a crazy way. But you're human and of course you're going to react...that's pretty normal. I live with my mother who's bpd/narc and in early dementia and she's absolutely vile to me a lot of the time but I hear her talking in what sounds like a very reasonable way to family and friends. Everyone has either been turned against me, or I've reacted in a mad way and turned people against me myself. It gives one a bit of an identity crisis i.e. am I a capable adult or a disabled, insane person? The former is harder because it's a fight, but the latter is intolerable.

Your 'well' sister sounds like a bit of a cow. You sound as if you've been very understanding towards her and reflective of your own behaviour in this situation. She hasn't done that.

Perhaps though, your father was trying to protect you financially and because you were used to mentally ill sister being the scapegoat and your identity was as a 'mentally well' sister, you've over-reacted a bit. I understand: I'm terrified of my controlling mother putting my inheritance into trust. The only person I've known that happen to was extremely mentally unwell and I don't want that to become my identity because it would shatter my confidence. (Plus I want to move away from neighbours who hate me, according to my lovely mother!). But this is only happening to you because of your DH.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of these ramblings make any sense! It's a terrible terrible feeling being rejected by family and friends; rejected from our tribe as it were. But you sound like a rational and intelligent person to me.

Absolutely this! I totally agree with your advice @Jengat and also "enjoyed" reading OP's post (apart from the desperate, dark place she reached, obviously).
OP, I admire your searing honesty. You write clearly and intelligently about your situation, even showing compassion for those around you and recognising how and why their viewpoint may be different to yours. I think this is where you need to stay in your thinking. However your dad and older sister have "implemented" their plan around your dad's Will, they are coming from a place of goodness - they want to protect you and your children, and despite their methodology, their intention seems to be well-meant to those of us not directly involved. They haven't done this because they think you're incapable, but because they love you and care about your well-being and future financial security when married to a man whose career and earning capability has been erratic.
I suspect your dad has always seen your DH for who he is and has often worried about you. I also think that neither your Dad or your older sister feel remotely qualified to have "difficult" conversations with you and so avoid them. And, sadly, I don't think they're unique in that reaction.
I'm so pleased to hear you are already in counselling and I hope it's helping in some way, but @Jengat 's advice to get your friendships back on track is excellent. OK, so they won't be able to provide "counsel" any better than your older sister and father can, but they will allow you to be another part of yourself, someone who can exist outside of all the family stuff you're dealing with - a form of escape, if you like, from the practical and mental toil of family dynamics.
I'm sorry I don't know what the answer is, but I wish you all the very best in life and at least a tolerable relationship with your family.

Gently @almondmilk123 your dad and sister are lumping you in with your mentally unwell sister because you are. Your reaction to your dad’s decision on inheritance is not that of a mentally well person. Whatever their faults, they were looking out for you and your kids because your husband is a waster of money.

Your descriptions of the impact of people’s behaviours on you is dramatic beyond the realms of a good writer. There is a sense of mania and self victimisation - I say none of that to be horrible, but I recognise it from my own periods of unwellness and from experience with others.

Your insistence on being a victim of circumstance and others behaviour is also a sign of you not functioning as well as you could. You make your dad’s birthday out to be a public statement of your divorce from the family - no one will have given you that much thought. And I don’t mean that harshly - no one cares about our dramas as much as we do.

Aside from your husband, who sounds like a careless, feckless waster who has continually tried to drive a wedge between you and your family who clearly see him for what he is, the main driver of your issues is you.
Everyone is bad and you are helpless. Everything is a catastrophe.
None of that is true. There are shades of grey in everything.

The fact that the only friend you feel close to right now is someone else in crisis makes me wonder how much the drama is in a way enjoyable for you, probably unconsciously, and your other friends are blue in the face listening to the same version of a story where you are in a mess because your husband has spent all your money, ruined another business, made you move house etc and you’ve just gone along with it but want everyone to listen to the fall out. It’s exhausting watching people you care for jumping into the same hole time after time.

I feel very sorry for your mentally ill sister - I am sure she has done things that are shocking - because it seems until you were tarred with the same brush, you were fine with her being spoken of and treated badly because of her MH.

You refer to your other sister as a close friend yet speak very disparagingly of her.

The only way out of this cycle of mess and drama is to get yourself sorted. You do need help. You are not helpless. You deserve a secure life.

If you re-read, I think you’ll find that it was a lot more than the inheritance which caused that incident - sounds like it was the last straw to me. And I wonder if I’m alone in finding your post judgmental.

All of this. 100%.