Everything is destroyed - relationship with my family, my husband, my friends. *Mentions suicide* Edited by MNHQ

[almondmilk123]

Complex and long story.

THE BACKGROUND

There is autism in my family, diagnosed in my kids generation, undiagnosed previous to that. I am one of three sisters. One is severely mentally ill, BPD/autism spectrum, she is violent, no partner, no kids, supported by our dad. My other sister and I have had more normal lives.- she has no partner but 2 lovely kids, I have a husband and kids.

My 'well' sister and I both had sons a year apart. Hers was a year older. He would often hit my son and generally seemed to dislike him. I got upset, but my husband got even more upset. My sister dismissed it and told me it was my fault for inadequate supervision. Over time as the boys got bigger, the behaviour from her son got worse and the situation became intolerable. The two boys got on better, but he was still hitting my son, pulling his hair.

I felt unable to talk to my sister because she wouldn't hear it. To be fair to her I was in my head thinking the word 'psycho' about her son but I never said it, I was much more diplomatic. Her son nearly died after birth from an infection and I believe now that she felt as if my criticisms of his behaviour was somehow a threat to his life. I didn't fully appreciate how traumatised she was.

My husband is a mildly narcisisstic drama queen from a very messed up family. He has many good qualities and he's not an outright villain but I'm still trying to work out where the line lies. He got so ramped up about the situation that I felt completely trapped between him and my sister. He got very angry with me about not taking on my sister and putting her above our son. He had a point.

My sister wasn't listening, my husband wasn't listening.

When my husband decided we needed to move out of London, I went for it. I thought it would put distance between my son and his cousin, and ease all the tensions.

My sister was devastated that I left London. Very angry. We had horrific rows about all sorts. She would close down conversation about the problem calling it a 'powder keg'.

After we left London, my husband took it upon himself to work away from home and ended up living with my dad for a bit. My husband is very entrepreneurial and capable of earning money but has put us through a lot of financial strain, also just general upheaval (we moved house 6 times in 7 years).

My dad's anger at my husband's hijinks had been building up for a while and now it exploded in a terrible row. He couldn't see why my husband would take me out of London then return to live with him, my dad. I could see where my dad was coming from but his rage wasn't helpful, it was devastating.

Meanwhile son was being diagnosed as autistic - I believe this was partly why my nephew's behaviour towards him distressed me so much. Perhaps my nephew's behaviour was normal, but my son wasn't normal, he was more vulnerable than most kids his age. That wasn't my sister's fault and explains why she couldn't see it from her side. I didn't even know he was autistic so couldn't explain it that way. Should she have tried a bit harder to understand my point of view? I don't know.

My husband returned home and got a good job for a while, then quit that to do lots of amazing projects with interesting people that didn't really pay and put us under terrible financial strain.

I should earn my own money but I have been bullied in the workplace and fired many times and am probably on the spectrum. I would like to work - I used to work very very hard when I was young, I held down two jobs at times - but I have specific work-related trauma. The only work I like is hospitality but I'm 53 and my joints are caving in from the menopause.

THE INCIDENT

November 2022 I am visiting my elderly, immobile mother in law, and I'm bringing my daughter because my mother in law loves her. I plan to stay over with my dad as he's on the route. We've been getting on well, i've been loving hearing his stories of late, although he's clearly losing his memory. He doesn't give much of a shit about whether or not he sees my daughter but he is perfectly sweet with her. Thats just him, by now I've begun to suspect he's on the spectrum.

My dad tells me not to bring my daughter that night becuase he wants to talk to me about his will.

I say i must bring her because my mother in law will be disappointed not to see her.

My dad isn't really clear what the issue is. He's talked to me about his will before - its usually some phenomenally boring legal tweak. Or something about my mentally ill sister and how the will will deal with her.

I call my 'well' sister who is the main carer for my dad - what's going on? She says its fine, just go up there with my daughter.

I get there. My dad takes me into his study and tells me he's putting me on special measures in his will, the same special measures he's put in place for my severely mentally ill sister. It's because he worries my husband will spend all the money. He's very worried about our children and wants his inheritance to go to them. He thinks DH will spend it all. We will have to speak to lawyers to get any money from the inheritance. Even for small things. They will block it if they think it's not sensible expenditure.

I was worried about my DH spending the inheritance too, so I planned to put a deposit down on property for them in their name, which we can rent out until they need it. My DH is very keen on that too thankfully.

My dad says we are not allowed to buy property, it's a very dangerous way to invest money. This sounds outlandish to me.

I feel like I'm falling off a cliff but then my dad brings in my 'well' sister. He says she agrees with everything, that I cannot look after various practical aspects of my own life. He tells me various things that I know she thinks - criticisms of me - but he wouldn't know if she hadn't said them to her.

At this point I feel like the walls are falling in on me but my dad doesn't seem to notice. I wonder how I'm going to explain this to my DH, who gets angry when criticised.

I get angry and distressed. I feel like I'm being fired from my family. My dad tells me I'm behaving like our severely mentally ill sister.

All this time my DD is in the house.

Somehow I get through the night, get to my mother in laws, get home. I'm streaming with tears the whole time but I don't say anything to anybody.

I'm teetotal but on Monday I buy a bottle of whiskey and tie a rope around my neck. I drive drunk to macdonalds at 3am, buy a load of burgers, eat them and vomit them up.

Husband hides the whisky, by wednesday I'm sober.

But I can't talk to my dad and my sister. That has been established. They do not understand. They do not listen. I cannot bear to experience their incomprehension. I block them.

I carry on with my life, fantasising about hanging myself but knowing I won't. I'm not that far gone. But I'm in so much pain.

THE AFTERMATH

Almost 2 years later i have tried to talk to my sister but she closes down the conversation when it gets too difficult. She says my viewpoints are extreme and she has nothing to usefully contribute. She says she doesn't understand me, and she doesn't want to talk about these things.

My friends don't understand. It's too horrible for them, too shocking, too wierd, too unlikely, too complicated. Suicidal? FFS! What now! They've never liked it when i'm in the grip of big painful feelings, and now I'm like that all the time. I edit out that side of me, but I've only been happy enough to see my best friend once since it happened.

So my friendships are dying. Not all, I have one friend having mental health and marital difficulties I feel very close to. But some very important friendships are withering.

My husband is partly the cause of all this. He's done some very stupid things around money, said some very stupid things around money to my dad. Been a drama queen, been shockingly moronic.

He's now started a successful business (touch wood) but our relationship has been under terrible strain since it happened and I'm not sure we'll ever recover.

The fact that my relationship with my husband has been so affected makes it hard to discuss the situation with my dad with wider family. They would understand strains between my dad and I (and possibly even my sister) I but I feel too ashamed to open up about my husband's part in it.

EPILOGUE

Last week was my dad's 90th. In anticipation of it I'd tried to mend bridges with him and my sister and it was going well.

The party was thrown by my sister and there was a big presentation and speeches about how marvellous he was. I only found out about that the day before and felt unable to participate.

While it was going on, I felt as if I'd been ambushed again by my sister and my dad working in cahoots against me and around me. Irrational but I guess I was traumatised by the will incident.

"What about severely mentally ill DS?" I wanted to scream while it was going on. "What about how I was tying a rope around my neck 18 months ago?"

Instead, I stood by and cheered. The day wasn't about me.

The wider family was there - 50 people.

It was like a public divorce from my father and my sister, with my whole extended family on both sides bearing witness. It was hidden, it was implied not explicit, but it was happening.

I feel numb now. I can't talk to anybody. Not anybody. Thought I'd try mumsnet.

At the moment, you can't step aside from having your dad and your husband be the most important ones who are determining how you feel. My advice to you is for you to put yourself first, to get trauma-informed psychotherapy as other posters have suggested, and start to calm yourself and your nervous system down. You are living in a heightened state and you need to take actions (go to the GP, get a different counsellor or psychotherapist, seek help from therapists who understand trauma and/or neurodiversity) to get your own reactions more steady and less chaotic.

Stop worrying about your dad, stop worrying about your husband, and how they inter-relate. Go to get help for yourself specifically, so that you are no longer batted about by these men's dysfunction and emotions.

I also appreciate that it is very difficult to detach yourself sufficiently from the stress and ongoing re-traumatisation you may be experiencing in relation to your husband's 'ways' while living together.

This. They all sound crackers and very toxic. You’d be better off without the lot of them. I’d tell your dad to shove his inheritance up his arse. It’s only money.

There's a lot on this and I think you need to break it down into seperate parts.

Someone else has already mentioned it but stop referred to your sister "as normal sister" as it's just negatively talking about yourself in comparison (that you can do immediately)

Get help your yourself. Moving 6 times in 7 years is a lot for anyone but it's especially difficult if you are ND. A therapist specialising in NDity and coping strategies would be helpful.

Only when you are in a good place, can you attempt to address the other issues-

Your husband's chaotic lifestyle isn't compatible with yours do you will need to find greater compromise or may even split.

Your father & the sister who is in contact with him, appear to be rightly concerned about your husband's attitude towards money. They most likely are well intended but perhaps would have addressed it better.

Arguing with them or dealing iron it,until you are in better place,will only compound the issue rather than help it.

Start talking it step by step as you need yo be well first.

As pps have said, lots to unpick, I would just say re buying your children a house in their name - this will exempt them from other first time buyers' advantages so might not be the best option.

I would try and forget about the inheritance, it's money you haven't got and your DF doesn't have to leave you anything. If you get something whatever the strings attached it is something, and I doubt lawyers would think buying a property as an investment for your DCs was a bad idea, cross that bridge when and if you come to it. I would keep contact with your sister and DF to a minimum it is clearly upsetting you a lot to see them so just keep away.

I don't know if you and your DH can patch it up with your family out of the picture or at least reduced to a minor background roar but it might be a lot better between you. Cultivate any friends who have stayed with you and try to find some new ones.

Agree with pp about counselling.
If you can, compartmentalise things you can’t change:
Your dad’s Will.
History of your ds and his cousin.
Your sister’s illness.

Hopefully a good therapist will help you sort out the things you can change.

Does your husband bring anything positive to your life?

You have said you agree with your father's measures but not the traumatic way he told you about them. I feel sorry for your father. He ended up housing your husband because you moved away. He wanted to discuss his will with you and asked for you to visit on your own but you ignored that request because you and your sister agreed you should bring your daughter regardless of what he said. He's seriously concerned about you losing your inheritance due to your husband's poor decisions and ability to get through money.

It's dreadful that you felt suicidal after hearing about the will. However, I feel you are placing too much blame on your father, and possibly your sister, when it's your husband who has caused all the problems. How your sister parents her children is irrelevant to the crux of this issue, although you seem to think the problems began with your nephew's treatment of your son. Your husband has made poor choices, you enabled this by not standing up to him and your father attempted to address it re. his will so that your husband would not run through the money recklessly.

Your father's birthday was about him, not anyone else. I don't understand why you think they were ending their relationship with you because of how they celebrated 90 years of a person's life. His life was more than 1 difficult and distressing conversation with you.

You would benefit from a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) course run by a mental health service.

To be honest you sound a bit of an entitled drama queen imho.

Your dad is free to do what he wants with his money and it sounds like he is trying to protect what he has built up for his grandchildren in light of your flaky (at the least) DH. Your DH taking you away from family in London and then returning without you sounds crazy controlling so it sounds like your dad is being sensible to me.

I know, it's confusing to call her that. She's 'normal' insofar as she earns her own money. She's not normal across the board. I called her normal to differentiate her from the severely mentall ill one. None of this is black and white, it's doing my head in. There are no clear lead villains. Everyone is a bit f--cked up.

What a weird and unnecessary response. Why not just scroll on by?

Aha! You have diagnosed me with BPD!

I think everyone’s suggestions that you get serious psychotherapy is good. I alao think you need to take some time and pull way back and look hard at your immediate family situation: your dh, your children, your job, his job.

Ultimately this is your family but you seem like a passenger in your dh’s clown car. If your father and sister’s vanished tomorrow what kind of successful life would you have with this unreliable fool?

You are fixated on your family of origin and constantly rocketing around the drama triangle with them: one minute the victim, the next the persecutor, the next the rescuer. ( victim of father, rescuer when you understand and empathize with the “bad” sister) This is a very exhausting and dangerous and pointless drama to be reenacting over and over.

Try reading up on toxic families. But first sit down and really look at your core little family. You are 52 and have high needs children. You have married a charming, selfish, wastrel and he has exhausted and frightened your family with his erratic behavior. How long will he continue to manage to support your family? How long will his good behavior last? What will you do when he defaults again?

I am sure, from your posts, that your natal family has always used money and age and custom to control you:to oraise and punish you. And that there must gave been a certain smug safety at being classed with the other “good girl” against the “bad sister.” But none of that matters, really. Act as though the money is off the table and focus on your own life and choices. You have 40 more years ahead of you if you inherited your father’s longevity. Look hard at your chaotic dh. Are you happy to be dragged around by him? Figure out how you can resume a social life. How you can find financial independence. Start living for yourself.

I would also highly recommend Pete Walker’s “Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving.” He has a very handy chart that will help you see all the characteristics you are diagnosing in yourself as aspects of PTSD and ways that you habitually protect yourself from shame and fright. It is sn excellent book and has many strategies to support you.

I think DBT is useful for anyone who feels emotions strongly- it may be if you are neurodivergent and live with a chaotic husband, this is more what's at the base of this than any 'personality disorder', you may find if you have therapy and think about what kind of life would suit you, things might shift quite dramatically in a good way. This seems exhausting OP.

I am not sure I understand how or why everything is everyone else's fault.

Everyone can benefit from DBT. No one is diagnosing you with BPD. But you definitely are having trouble regulating your emotions and recognizing there is a difference between “I think that X is true” and “X is true.”

Lot of main character energy here.

I agree with BPD.

Divorce your husband and try to stop seeing everyone as being dramatically against you. You feel they lumped you in with your mentally ill sister and your response to that - and the will discussion - was to go on a bender and try to hang yourself. And yet you feel the comparison is unfair?

Do you not think that it's reasonable that your dad is protecting your children's inheritance from your husband?

There is a lot going on here but the baseline for me seems to be a whole bunch of people with a liking for making things as dramatic as possible.

A Dad who summons people to discuss a will, a sister using very dramatic language about not being able to understand you, a husband who jumps about from house to job chaotically, and even the way you write is very dramatic in itself “epilogue” etc!

Counselling can work but sometimes it takes a while to find someone you really click with? You seem to have a very victim based mentally and think everyone is out to get you, but this can be trauma based and not your fault - my husband and SIL are both similar due to childhood trauma. DH had therapy and addressed it. SIL has been “bullied” out of 4 different jobs so far - no evidence ever found of real bullying by any employer.

Do you desperately need this inheritance? My response would probably be “look Dad, this is all way too much drama for me so my DH and I will look after our family and just you leave my share of your money to the cats home, cheers!”

Your husband having ADHD traits is pretty clear - you need to be a team and address both of your issues through counselling before you repeat this cycle.

Write down things you can do to create a drama free life and stick to it. Sometimes when people have lived in chaos it becomes normal and they almost self sabotage to get back to their “normal” disregulated state. DH was honestly exactly the same right down to the multiple houses. Years of therapy and medication helped once he realised that a life like that wouldn’t include me and we’ve got an exceedingly boring life now! It’s great!

Agreed, I'd use the word cunty

Relying on your husband financially is not helping your (potential) autism which is a nervous system disability. As PPs said calm, stability and routine would be more helpful. Do you need to separate from him and turn to benefits for financial support? Can you get a job so that you are not reliant on him?

I agree your husband could look into an ADHD diagnosis. Ime ASD / ADHD couples are common pairings. He may be able to find better coping strategies. The Additude site is super, for example.

Can you use internet resources to learn more about your specific profile? I like Dr Neff and her podcast Divergent Conversations. If I recall she had both ASD and ADHD and had a lot to say on both profiles and so many helpful resources.

It might help you to ask your GP for a diagnosis referral even if the waiting lists are long.

From reading your extreme reaction to your Dad’s plan it sounded perhaps like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? Does this ring any bells? Just knowing that this is how you react and not necessarily what’s happening may help you manage the big emotions.

If you’re autistic you may have challenges with social communication including potentially not being able to ‘read’ other people’s motivations. You might prefer other modes of communication like writing eg asking your Dad to email you about the wills to avoid some of these confrontations.

If you live in UK your father is legally allowed to leave in his Will whatever he wishes to whoever he wishes, however he wishes. He can leave everything to cats' home should he choose. Did you not know that?

No - it's also my fault. For being thin-skinned, having a need to talk everything through in great detail, not being able to just 'get on with it', having outsize emotions, failing to stick up to my partner, not being able to hold down a job. But I also have some good points - I've very good at holding myself to account, seeing other people's points of view, I'm gentle and empathic, and I'm resilient about thrashing out disagreements. My dad unfortunately cannot thrash anything out with me as he's got dementia, and my sister has refused (see OP).