Everything is destroyed - relationship with my family, my husband, my friends. *Mentions suicide* Edited by MNHQ

[almondmilk123]

Complex and long story.

THE BACKGROUND

There is autism in my family, diagnosed in my kids generation, undiagnosed previous to that. I am one of three sisters. One is severely mentally ill, BPD/autism spectrum, she is violent, no partner, no kids, supported by our dad. My other sister and I have had more normal lives.- she has no partner but 2 lovely kids, I have a husband and kids.

My 'well' sister and I both had sons a year apart. Hers was a year older. He would often hit my son and generally seemed to dislike him. I got upset, but my husband got even more upset. My sister dismissed it and told me it was my fault for inadequate supervision. Over time as the boys got bigger, the behaviour from her son got worse and the situation became intolerable. The two boys got on better, but he was still hitting my son, pulling his hair.

I felt unable to talk to my sister because she wouldn't hear it. To be fair to her I was in my head thinking the word 'psycho' about her son but I never said it, I was much more diplomatic. Her son nearly died after birth from an infection and I believe now that she felt as if my criticisms of his behaviour was somehow a threat to his life. I didn't fully appreciate how traumatised she was.

My husband is a mildly narcisisstic drama queen from a very messed up family. He has many good qualities and he's not an outright villain but I'm still trying to work out where the line lies. He got so ramped up about the situation that I felt completely trapped between him and my sister. He got very angry with me about not taking on my sister and putting her above our son. He had a point.

My sister wasn't listening, my husband wasn't listening.

When my husband decided we needed to move out of London, I went for it. I thought it would put distance between my son and his cousin, and ease all the tensions.

My sister was devastated that I left London. Very angry. We had horrific rows about all sorts. She would close down conversation about the problem calling it a 'powder keg'.

After we left London, my husband took it upon himself to work away from home and ended up living with my dad for a bit. My husband is very entrepreneurial and capable of earning money but has put us through a lot of financial strain, also just general upheaval (we moved house 6 times in 7 years).

My dad's anger at my husband's hijinks had been building up for a while and now it exploded in a terrible row. He couldn't see why my husband would take me out of London then return to live with him, my dad. I could see where my dad was coming from but his rage wasn't helpful, it was devastating.

Meanwhile son was being diagnosed as autistic - I believe this was partly why my nephew's behaviour towards him distressed me so much. Perhaps my nephew's behaviour was normal, but my son wasn't normal, he was more vulnerable than most kids his age. That wasn't my sister's fault and explains why she couldn't see it from her side. I didn't even know he was autistic so couldn't explain it that way. Should she have tried a bit harder to understand my point of view? I don't know.

My husband returned home and got a good job for a while, then quit that to do lots of amazing projects with interesting people that didn't really pay and put us under terrible financial strain.

I should earn my own money but I have been bullied in the workplace and fired many times and am probably on the spectrum. I would like to work - I used to work very very hard when I was young, I held down two jobs at times - but I have specific work-related trauma. The only work I like is hospitality but I'm 53 and my joints are caving in from the menopause.

THE INCIDENT

November 2022 I am visiting my elderly, immobile mother in law, and I'm bringing my daughter because my mother in law loves her. I plan to stay over with my dad as he's on the route. We've been getting on well, i've been loving hearing his stories of late, although he's clearly losing his memory. He doesn't give much of a shit about whether or not he sees my daughter but he is perfectly sweet with her. Thats just him, by now I've begun to suspect he's on the spectrum.

My dad tells me not to bring my daughter that night becuase he wants to talk to me about his will.

I say i must bring her because my mother in law will be disappointed not to see her.

My dad isn't really clear what the issue is. He's talked to me about his will before - its usually some phenomenally boring legal tweak. Or something about my mentally ill sister and how the will will deal with her.

I call my 'well' sister who is the main carer for my dad - what's going on? She says its fine, just go up there with my daughter.

I get there. My dad takes me into his study and tells me he's putting me on special measures in his will, the same special measures he's put in place for my severely mentally ill sister. It's because he worries my husband will spend all the money. He's very worried about our children and wants his inheritance to go to them. He thinks DH will spend it all. We will have to speak to lawyers to get any money from the inheritance. Even for small things. They will block it if they think it's not sensible expenditure.

I was worried about my DH spending the inheritance too, so I planned to put a deposit down on property for them in their name, which we can rent out until they need it. My DH is very keen on that too thankfully.

My dad says we are not allowed to buy property, it's a very dangerous way to invest money. This sounds outlandish to me.

I feel like I'm falling off a cliff but then my dad brings in my 'well' sister. He says she agrees with everything, that I cannot look after various practical aspects of my own life. He tells me various things that I know she thinks - criticisms of me - but he wouldn't know if she hadn't said them to her.

At this point I feel like the walls are falling in on me but my dad doesn't seem to notice. I wonder how I'm going to explain this to my DH, who gets angry when criticised.

I get angry and distressed. I feel like I'm being fired from my family. My dad tells me I'm behaving like our severely mentally ill sister.

All this time my DD is in the house.

Somehow I get through the night, get to my mother in laws, get home. I'm streaming with tears the whole time but I don't say anything to anybody.

I'm teetotal but on Monday I buy a bottle of whiskey and tie a rope around my neck. I drive drunk to macdonalds at 3am, buy a load of burgers, eat them and vomit them up.

Husband hides the whisky, by wednesday I'm sober.

But I can't talk to my dad and my sister. That has been established. They do not understand. They do not listen. I cannot bear to experience their incomprehension. I block them.

I carry on with my life, fantasising about hanging myself but knowing I won't. I'm not that far gone. But I'm in so much pain.

THE AFTERMATH

Almost 2 years later i have tried to talk to my sister but she closes down the conversation when it gets too difficult. She says my viewpoints are extreme and she has nothing to usefully contribute. She says she doesn't understand me, and she doesn't want to talk about these things.

My friends don't understand. It's too horrible for them, too shocking, too wierd, too unlikely, too complicated. Suicidal? FFS! What now! They've never liked it when i'm in the grip of big painful feelings, and now I'm like that all the time. I edit out that side of me, but I've only been happy enough to see my best friend once since it happened.

So my friendships are dying. Not all, I have one friend having mental health and marital difficulties I feel very close to. But some very important friendships are withering.

My husband is partly the cause of all this. He's done some very stupid things around money, said some very stupid things around money to my dad. Been a drama queen, been shockingly moronic.

He's now started a successful business (touch wood) but our relationship has been under terrible strain since it happened and I'm not sure we'll ever recover.

The fact that my relationship with my husband has been so affected makes it hard to discuss the situation with my dad with wider family. They would understand strains between my dad and I (and possibly even my sister) I but I feel too ashamed to open up about my husband's part in it.

EPILOGUE

Last week was my dad's 90th. In anticipation of it I'd tried to mend bridges with him and my sister and it was going well.

The party was thrown by my sister and there was a big presentation and speeches about how marvellous he was. I only found out about that the day before and felt unable to participate.

While it was going on, I felt as if I'd been ambushed again by my sister and my dad working in cahoots against me and around me. Irrational but I guess I was traumatised by the will incident.

"What about severely mentally ill DS?" I wanted to scream while it was going on. "What about how I was tying a rope around my neck 18 months ago?"

Instead, I stood by and cheered. The day wasn't about me.

The wider family was there - 50 people.

It was like a public divorce from my father and my sister, with my whole extended family on both sides bearing witness. It was hidden, it was implied not explicit, but it was happening.

I feel numb now. I can't talk to anybody. Not anybody. Thought I'd try mumsnet.

You need counselling. I would also think about a divorce, but counselling at the bare minimum.

It sounds like your father is worried about you as your husband could be financially controlling and/or abusing you. It's not normal to be fearful of your partner about someone else's will.

That suicide attempt was a cry for help. Did no one follow up, ask what was wrong or try to help?

The ABC Yes my dad was worried about me and my husband is a problem. His plan could have been helpful. But he brought it down like a hammer. I've been bullied out of jobs before and this felt like I was being bullied out of my family. He seemed to think I'd become the same as my mentally-ill, violent sister. We have since learned he has dementia, and that kind of confused angry paranoid thinking is consistent with that. He brought in the fact that he'd talked it all over with the 'well' oldest sister - who has been one of my closest friends over my life. he said she knew all about it and agreed with him. He implied they were working together against me. He repeated things she has said to me that make it hard for me to overcome that feeling. I used to trust them before this.

but bless you for replying

Lot to unpick there but one thing that stands out for me is that you often feel victimised and as if everyone is against you. That may be the case to a certain extent but perhaps you also expect it so see it where it doesn't exist.
Anyway, I think you do need a professional to help you with it, not least becuase you have had suicidal thoughts

You need to see a counsellor and your husband needs an adhd assessment. Everyone else in this story is irrelevant.

Up until the point where you reacted badly during 'the incident', your husbands chaotic behaviour was at the root of everything. He moved house 7 times in 6 years, quit a good job after a short period of time to do "lots of amazing projects with interesting people that didn't really pay", spends money erratically to the point that your inheritance would have to be hidden, creates drama, gets angry at perceived criticism. These are text book adhd characteristics. If you're going to stay with him this has to be addressed.

This. It's your life, you can't change the way people are hut you can change yourself.

ManhattanPopcorn you're spot on about the ADHD.

Yep, there's definitely something very wrong with me.

PS I am seeing a counsellor. It's not enough. I want to talk to real people too. I feel too ashamed to speak to people I know.

You need massive amounts of help and counselling at the very least. Change your counsellor if they are not providing the help you need. I suspect the issue is that they are not agreeing with your interpretation of events and that is colouring your opinion of them. Your sister is right to be very concerned about you, and the fact you push mental illness onto other members of the family every time you have a problem with something is also something you need to recognise.

The party for your father is not the family divorcing you. It was nothing to DO with you - it was your father's day. You could have offered to assist in the run up - that was up to you.

Finally, what your father decides to do with HIS money is up to him. It is a gift if he decides to pass on money to you or your children. It is not a right and something that either you or your husband should expect.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor OP as there is a lot to unpack. I would also try to get some of your "withered" friendships back on track, not to necessarily talk to them about your problems (as you said some people can't understand and it's too much for them) but on a lighthearted basis so you have respite/distraction from your worries and ruminations.

Also, I wonder would a creative writing class be a good outlet for you? I don't like to say I "enjoyed" reading your post, as clearly it's very traumatic for you and your upset is evident, but I did love your writing style! I've done a few writing courses and many people there have dark, upsetting backgrounds and find it a useful tool to process and meet likeminded, usually very open-minded souls. Just a thought 💐

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think that part of the problem is that, being on the spectrum, an ordered calm environment with routine would work best for you but your husband is creating extreme chaos. It was only a matter of time until something pushed you over the edge.

Yes, clearly your father and your so called 'normal' sister had been discussing you behind your back. However, it's entirely possible that this was done out of concern for you and out of love. There's nothing to suggest that they were working against you. They were working to defend you. From what you have said, their issue is with your husband, not with you. Given how badly it went your sister probably has no idea how to handle the relationship now. She has a lot on her plate too.

You and your husband (who doesn't sound great at all) are not entitled to your father's money and he can do whatever he likes with it. If he thinks your husband is useless with money and you have mental issues, it's his prerogative to make whatever arrangements he likes in his own will. Your reaction to his will is so extreme that it's probably for the best that you and your husband won't have control of the money.

OP, the thing that really stands out to me in this complicated situation is how absolutely devastated you were about your dad's will. It's not very common to skip a generation and leave money straight to the grandchildren, but it's not incredibly unusual either, especially given that he doesn't like or trust your husband. If my parents (who are in their 80s) told me they were planning this, I'd think they were sensibly trying to avoid two lots of inheritance tax! The strength of your reaction is something you need to unpick in therapy.

Your family have made your sister mentally ill, they're doing the same thing to you. In all honesty I'd avoid them as much as you can. Is all this really worth whatever you'd be inheriting?

Get some help from a counsellor to deal with what they've caused. Unpicking it will help you see it.

bless you jengat I am already writing. problem is i'm too full of big feelings to be lighthearted with those i know best. i can do it with those i know less well, and I am hanging out with them. But my dad's intervention has put a spanner in the work of a lot of relationships that I was managing perfectly fine before.

I’m so sorry you felt so upset you had to react with the alcohol and suicidal feelings. I agree that (different) counselling would help you understand why you feel pushed out from the family.

I also agree that your dad’s plan with the will was, actually, sensible as your husband is financially reckless. Yes, it hurt to discover that they’d been discussing you behind your back. And of course it hurt to be ‘lumped in’ with your very ill sister for the special measures.

I hope counselling can help you move on. You haven’t been divorced publicly from them, you did really well to cheer and put a front on for the party.

I don’t think your home life is the calm, stable environment you need, though. Because of how your husband behaves. I bet dad and sister are both worried about you in that respect.

Your father is only trying to protect his money from being squandered by your husband, which would absolutely happen because you have chosen to stay with that useless, horrible man. Your father is extremely concerned by this, I'm sure. Your family is not "divorcing" you.

I don't think you can just put a house in your children's names, can you? Wouldn't they have to pass the credit checks and be eligible for the mortgage and presumably will be too young still to legally own a house?

He seems very sensible to be worried your OH will blow the money. But equally, he doesn't seem to trust anyone else in the family to take it on your behalf and pass it on to your kids when they're adults.

You need to get a job, even if it's not something you love, because it will allow you to see perspectives out of your own bubble and help you meet new people.

spot on about the ordered calm environment.

My 'normal' sister hits her kids and screams at them like the sound of two mountains falling on each other. She is so bad friends of mine have said they don't want to be around her.

The issue WAS with my husband, not with me. But in his demented state, my dad seemed to think I WAS my severely mentally ill violent sister. I have some sympathy with that - age 90, he has to deal with her, she's too dangerous to be around our kids, no wonder she's in his head.

But it destroyed me.

I just need to pick up the pieces somehow. The good women of Mumsnet are kinda amazing. Even the people who are taking the view that I'm a mentally unwell curse on my lovely 'normal' family - it's refreshing just to f---cking talk about it!

it's all so repressed at the mo.

as for my husband, that's the biggie. someone said it was all his fault up until the will, i can't see who. That's spot on.

This. I am absolutely horrified by how similar I now feel to my mentally ill sister. It is evidence of how much of how she felt and behaved was down to my father. One alienated estranged daughter might be an accident - two is carelessness etc. But we never tried to understand. She's kind of my alibi now.

I'm not trying to stay with my family for the inheritance. I'm trying to stay with them because I love(d) them.

I'm sorry you have been through so much.
But I think you are focusing a lot of anger on your dad and sister when really your husband seems to have caused most of the problems.
He separated you from them . And by the sounds of it has not only caused you financial problems but also your dad.
So it's very sensible your dad and sister protect his money . And it benefits your children.
I suppose to them after all these years they know you won't stand up to your husband or have control yourself.
Which is fine if that's what you want . But they sound like they are just trying to protect you.
How are your children now? Are they aware of everything?

And my dad's plan was good. He's dropped it now, it's all too painful. All that's left is that at my and my DH's request it's enshrined as a special measure that no money will go to my DH even if we divorce. I do wish I had the full package he suggested. But he brought it out as a punishment and brought it down so hard he shattered my mind.

I just want to repeat this for context:

My 'normal' sister hits her kids and screams at them like the sound of two mountains falling on each other. She is so bad friends of mine have said they don't want to be around her.

Yes, that's exactly right. I haven't stood up to DH. That is something that has changed somewhat. He has also reacted well to the situation - he immediately got his career more stable, although he then started a business and that was scary but it seems to be working. He's not a complete asshole.

As for the children, I have not acted out in front of them, they know nothing about the drinking and suicidality - they think I was ill, DH looked after everything.

They do know I've had a row ith Grandpa and Auntie. Another big reason I'm trying to process and heal from this in any way possible - including mumsnet therapy - is that i don't want them to miss out on their relationshisp with those two, they have good relationships with them.