Everything is destroyed - relationship with my family, my husband, my friends. *Mentions suicide* Edited by MNHQ

[almondmilk123]

Complex and long story.

THE BACKGROUND

There is autism in my family, diagnosed in my kids generation, undiagnosed previous to that. I am one of three sisters. One is severely mentally ill, BPD/autism spectrum, she is violent, no partner, no kids, supported by our dad. My other sister and I have had more normal lives.- she has no partner but 2 lovely kids, I have a husband and kids.

My 'well' sister and I both had sons a year apart. Hers was a year older. He would often hit my son and generally seemed to dislike him. I got upset, but my husband got even more upset. My sister dismissed it and told me it was my fault for inadequate supervision. Over time as the boys got bigger, the behaviour from her son got worse and the situation became intolerable. The two boys got on better, but he was still hitting my son, pulling his hair.

I felt unable to talk to my sister because she wouldn't hear it. To be fair to her I was in my head thinking the word 'psycho' about her son but I never said it, I was much more diplomatic. Her son nearly died after birth from an infection and I believe now that she felt as if my criticisms of his behaviour was somehow a threat to his life. I didn't fully appreciate how traumatised she was.

My husband is a mildly narcisisstic drama queen from a very messed up family. He has many good qualities and he's not an outright villain but I'm still trying to work out where the line lies. He got so ramped up about the situation that I felt completely trapped between him and my sister. He got very angry with me about not taking on my sister and putting her above our son. He had a point.

My sister wasn't listening, my husband wasn't listening.

When my husband decided we needed to move out of London, I went for it. I thought it would put distance between my son and his cousin, and ease all the tensions.

My sister was devastated that I left London. Very angry. We had horrific rows about all sorts. She would close down conversation about the problem calling it a 'powder keg'.

After we left London, my husband took it upon himself to work away from home and ended up living with my dad for a bit. My husband is very entrepreneurial and capable of earning money but has put us through a lot of financial strain, also just general upheaval (we moved house 6 times in 7 years).

My dad's anger at my husband's hijinks had been building up for a while and now it exploded in a terrible row. He couldn't see why my husband would take me out of London then return to live with him, my dad. I could see where my dad was coming from but his rage wasn't helpful, it was devastating.

Meanwhile son was being diagnosed as autistic - I believe this was partly why my nephew's behaviour towards him distressed me so much. Perhaps my nephew's behaviour was normal, but my son wasn't normal, he was more vulnerable than most kids his age. That wasn't my sister's fault and explains why she couldn't see it from her side. I didn't even know he was autistic so couldn't explain it that way. Should she have tried a bit harder to understand my point of view? I don't know.

My husband returned home and got a good job for a while, then quit that to do lots of amazing projects with interesting people that didn't really pay and put us under terrible financial strain.

I should earn my own money but I have been bullied in the workplace and fired many times and am probably on the spectrum. I would like to work - I used to work very very hard when I was young, I held down two jobs at times - but I have specific work-related trauma. The only work I like is hospitality but I'm 53 and my joints are caving in from the menopause.

THE INCIDENT

November 2022 I am visiting my elderly, immobile mother in law, and I'm bringing my daughter because my mother in law loves her. I plan to stay over with my dad as he's on the route. We've been getting on well, i've been loving hearing his stories of late, although he's clearly losing his memory. He doesn't give much of a shit about whether or not he sees my daughter but he is perfectly sweet with her. Thats just him, by now I've begun to suspect he's on the spectrum.

My dad tells me not to bring my daughter that night becuase he wants to talk to me about his will.

I say i must bring her because my mother in law will be disappointed not to see her.

My dad isn't really clear what the issue is. He's talked to me about his will before - its usually some phenomenally boring legal tweak. Or something about my mentally ill sister and how the will will deal with her.

I call my 'well' sister who is the main carer for my dad - what's going on? She says its fine, just go up there with my daughter.

I get there. My dad takes me into his study and tells me he's putting me on special measures in his will, the same special measures he's put in place for my severely mentally ill sister. It's because he worries my husband will spend all the money. He's very worried about our children and wants his inheritance to go to them. He thinks DH will spend it all. We will have to speak to lawyers to get any money from the inheritance. Even for small things. They will block it if they think it's not sensible expenditure.

I was worried about my DH spending the inheritance too, so I planned to put a deposit down on property for them in their name, which we can rent out until they need it. My DH is very keen on that too thankfully.

My dad says we are not allowed to buy property, it's a very dangerous way to invest money. This sounds outlandish to me.

I feel like I'm falling off a cliff but then my dad brings in my 'well' sister. He says she agrees with everything, that I cannot look after various practical aspects of my own life. He tells me various things that I know she thinks - criticisms of me - but he wouldn't know if she hadn't said them to her.

At this point I feel like the walls are falling in on me but my dad doesn't seem to notice. I wonder how I'm going to explain this to my DH, who gets angry when criticised.

I get angry and distressed. I feel like I'm being fired from my family. My dad tells me I'm behaving like our severely mentally ill sister.

All this time my DD is in the house.

Somehow I get through the night, get to my mother in laws, get home. I'm streaming with tears the whole time but I don't say anything to anybody.

I'm teetotal but on Monday I buy a bottle of whiskey and tie a rope around my neck. I drive drunk to macdonalds at 3am, buy a load of burgers, eat them and vomit them up.

Husband hides the whisky, by wednesday I'm sober.

But I can't talk to my dad and my sister. That has been established. They do not understand. They do not listen. I cannot bear to experience their incomprehension. I block them.

I carry on with my life, fantasising about hanging myself but knowing I won't. I'm not that far gone. But I'm in so much pain.

THE AFTERMATH

Almost 2 years later i have tried to talk to my sister but she closes down the conversation when it gets too difficult. She says my viewpoints are extreme and she has nothing to usefully contribute. She says she doesn't understand me, and she doesn't want to talk about these things.

My friends don't understand. It's too horrible for them, too shocking, too wierd, too unlikely, too complicated. Suicidal? FFS! What now! They've never liked it when i'm in the grip of big painful feelings, and now I'm like that all the time. I edit out that side of me, but I've only been happy enough to see my best friend once since it happened.

So my friendships are dying. Not all, I have one friend having mental health and marital difficulties I feel very close to. But some very important friendships are withering.

My husband is partly the cause of all this. He's done some very stupid things around money, said some very stupid things around money to my dad. Been a drama queen, been shockingly moronic.

He's now started a successful business (touch wood) but our relationship has been under terrible strain since it happened and I'm not sure we'll ever recover.

The fact that my relationship with my husband has been so affected makes it hard to discuss the situation with my dad with wider family. They would understand strains between my dad and I (and possibly even my sister) I but I feel too ashamed to open up about my husband's part in it.

EPILOGUE

Last week was my dad's 90th. In anticipation of it I'd tried to mend bridges with him and my sister and it was going well.

The party was thrown by my sister and there was a big presentation and speeches about how marvellous he was. I only found out about that the day before and felt unable to participate.

While it was going on, I felt as if I'd been ambushed again by my sister and my dad working in cahoots against me and around me. Irrational but I guess I was traumatised by the will incident.

"What about severely mentally ill DS?" I wanted to scream while it was going on. "What about how I was tying a rope around my neck 18 months ago?"

Instead, I stood by and cheered. The day wasn't about me.

The wider family was there - 50 people.

It was like a public divorce from my father and my sister, with my whole extended family on both sides bearing witness. It was hidden, it was implied not explicit, but it was happening.

I feel numb now. I can't talk to anybody. Not anybody. Thought I'd try mumsnet.

If your dad has dementia, does he have sufficient capability to alter his will? Could it be appealed on the grounds that he wasn't well enough to change it, and the will should revert back to an earlier copy? (I don't know if that's possible, but still...)

I do feel for you, OP. Your panic and general sense of being out of control absolutely radiate from your posts. Perhaps try to gain control in small areas first, to give yourself more confidence to challenge larger issues. Hopefully the counselling will help with this.

fair

I haven’t read every post other than your main one and some follow ups. You sound amazing and like a few others have said I love your writing style and writing and offloading on to paper.

Above everything you need help with yourself. This means getting a good counsellor/ psychotherapist who can help you unpick.

There may be some confusion in how you’re interpreting events - and it’s hard for us to give advice other than listen to your stories.

It doesn’t sound like your sister and father are divorcing you - they’re probably worried about you which is probably justified.

At the moment you can only control certain things… and the first thing is offloading these burdens you’re carrying through therapy, resurrecting some friendships that may offer some fun and respite, looking after yourself health wise through menopause. Have you read about how strong some symptoms can be - including physical and mental anxiety paranoia etc. this may be exacerbating.
only when you’re feeling a bit stronger - can you start to expand your sphere of influence.
eg - engaging with your dad and or sister in a way that’s positive or evaluate and decide it’s not good for you.
Also then your husband and how you want to continue with him and put boundaries in place etc - eg you won’t move again.
First things first - concentrate on YOU and wishing you so much strength ❤️

Such dramatics. Two mountains banging together, shattered my brain,walls falling in. Goodness me no wonder your dad and sister are concerned.
You need some serious counselling. Your dh sounds like he has no concept of money, I wouldn’t leave him any either and because you are married to him I be reluctant to leave you any too.

thankyou that's so lovely. ❤No the lawyer is adamant he's compos mentis. Even my DS is a bit surprised the lawyer is so adamant. My dad comes across as very on top of things superficially, we think that's why.

Also it's not black and white that he was out of order. As many people have pointed out, quite bluntly, they can see where he was coming from. As can I. It's more the way he delivered it - he (re)traumatised me and made everything ten times worse.

You are right about lack of control. I like the idea to start small. xx

I wonder whether the shame you are feeling is actually connected to having to cow-tow to your husband's erratic and damaging behaviour; making excuses for him, covering for him and making light of going along with it all in front of your family and friends?

His high-handedness around the behaviour of your sister's son, the house-moves, his harebrained work projects and the weird live-in stint with your dad; you've had to slap on a 'happy face' to save face in what must have appeared to all concerned an unusual and worrying dynamic.

You've perhaps propped up your husband and vouched for him, even when it went against your better judgement? Because the consequences of not backing him up would be worse. Arguments and ill feeling seems to have surrounded you both as a result of his actions and you've felt you've not had much choice but to stick with him to keep the peace?

You sound like a woman who has a keen sense of fairness and right and wrong, and I wonder whether your role in the dynamic around your husband feels contrary to your sense of integrity? Could it be that many years of misplaced loyalty to your husband, and the stressful dynamics surrounding his contuct, which you may have kept very much to yourself, has caused you to feel shame and isolation and that this is now being misdirected toward feeling rejected by your family?

Many women spend considerable energy, and years of their lives, defending their partners and husbands to friends and family as an act of self-preservation. This is very hard to penetrate for concerned family members and friends: the defense of the spouse becomes iron-clad and defends itself as so much sadness, isolation, shame and feelings of betrayal lie beneath.

I'm not saying this is your situation, just that it might be a useful reflection, and I wish you well.

Your responses to family interactions seem very heightened. You think your fathervand sister are judging you and become suicidal, but your judge them very harshly too. Why does it matter what they think of you? You msy lobe them still, but it doesn't sound as if you fespect or like them, so why care what they think?

You're not responsible for safeguarding your sister with poor mental health, is that a significant cause of stress for you?

Can you give yourself a bit of space and try to get treatment - medical and counselling. You are responsible for the well being of your children, and I don't believe they're not impacted by this level of stress in the family, on top of upheaval from multiple moves. Kids don't thrive on drama.

Hello there,

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

thankyou so much ❤lawyer is adamant he's legally capable. Even my DS is surprised the lawyer is so adamant. DS agrees he's not thinking straight. He's v on top of things superficially, we think that's why.

thanks for feeling my feelings - it does help. I like the idea of getting in control of small areas - I do feel very out of control.

It sounds like you're having a really rough time. The root cause of it does seem to be your husband. He doesn't seem to be able to do things consistently and stick to plans. All this moving house, changing jobs. It's extremely chaotic having to move home and workplace even once in ten years! I feel for you. Especially if you're ASD it must be very unnerving.

I have to say that you do need to try and put your father's will out of your mind. You are not owed anything from him. It could all be gone in care fees anyway. It's just his own business who he leaves money to. If anything he should be spending it on himself enjoying his twilight years.

I wouldn't mind if there was no money left for me, I'd rather my mum had a long and happy life. But I did lose my dad when I was a child which was horrible.

Could you apply for work in hospitality, on reception for example? You'd be sitting down most of the time so it wouldn't hurt your bones etc. You could start off part time. That might help your independence, and obviously you'd be earning. Good way to meet new friends too.

I hope you think about the possibility of splitting with your husband. He doesn't sound like he's doing you any favours.

Go to a better therapist if the counsellor isn't helping.

I really hope things improve for you. X

Op you sound like you are living in a state of nervous exhaustion and are going to burn out very soon. You sound like me when I was having a nervous breakdown, rather than someone who is thinking things through.

I suspect living with your chaotic husband is making you like this, I would be beside myself with stress if I had to move 6 times in 7 years and he was starting up yet another business which may or may not fail.

I suspect the problem lies there and not with your family as much.

I think the advice to get your husband onto a pathway for ADHD diagnosis, if you want to stay with him, and think about alternatives if you do not, is very sensible,

With your family, you are again very reactive through stress and conditioning, and what you need is to spend time with your counsellor, possibly meds and doing something like meditation or relaxation to let your nervous system recover enough. That way you will be able to stop reacting to everything and start to think it through in a more measured way as your family, whilst annoying and difficult, are sending you into spirals of emotion that are to your detriment and you need to dig yourself out of these patterns, they won't change and in a way are not doing anything terribly wrong (even you admit your husband is bad with money).

You need help to centre yourself and your life and that will help you cope with everything else. You may then feel you can reach out more to your friends who must be worried about you.

It may also be you are neurodivergent yourself and that's why living in this chaos is even worse for you than otherwise it would be although I would myself find it very difficult and the thing I liked least about my former relationship.

Well, my sister's mental health becomes a significant source of stress for me when I get lumped together with her. Identified as being like her. She's I think worked as a prostitute, she beat my mum up when my mum was 70.... you know, it's a troublesome part of my identity. At the same time, I do suddenly feel much more connected to her!

Nobody is rallying round - I guess I cope too well.

You are right I'm very heightened. Thatt's exactly the problem. I'm probably on the spectrum, I have very big feelings, but I do try not to inflict them on other people. I undertood early that nobody had the energy. If the inside of my head was a bit quieter this would be easier.

Not that there's anything wrong with prostitutes if the woman can handle it. I just think there's something wrong with vulnerable women working as prostitutes

I don’t think counselling is enough, I think a psychotherapist may be better suited OP. I hope you find strength and wellness in time.

There is a lot for me to unpick here. This kind of challenge is v helpful. I need to understand his behaviour better. I feel very fuzzy in my head about how much of a bad guy he is - he's adamant he's a good guy and indeed there is lots of evidence to support that, i do enjoy his company, there are aspects of our relationship that work. I also feel my dad had some wierd issues and never wanted us to have husbands or boyfriends - nobody was every good enough for us. The way in which he intervened was partly valid, and partly 'hands of my daughter'. Even though I'm 52! All three of us sisters have troubled relationships with men - i'm the only one that got married and its almost as if i've been punished for it, and so has my husband. It's not the whole story but it's in there. It makes it harder to clarify. When I get really angry with my husband, am I just allowing my dad to keep me single for life as he secretly wants?

I don't think it's fair at all, I think it's rude and insulting!
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through @almondmilk123 🙏

•Lilactimes bless you *❤

I think you do need more than just a counsellor, this is a v complex situation, and both you and your husband would probably benefit from assessments to establish if ADHD/autism does lie behind the behaviours and thinking.
Re the will, was your DF leaving money to your children to begin with or to you. If to them you wouldn't be able to buy houses or do anything with it would you (I'm not in UK so not certain on the law),but neither could your DH touch it. If left to you directly yes he could badger you into transferring it to him or a joint account and spend his way through it so your father has a point, but I don't know if the procedure he has set up is the best. What constitutes a good reason to spend the money? How much of the estate is going to be wasted on solicitors fees?

I'm totally neurodivergent. ❤

I think you need a lot of help.

You seem to react in a really dramatic manner to a lot of things. In particular your Fathers bday party…. Seriously, HIS party, yet you seem to be making it all about you.

Your DH seems to drag you around like a damaged puppy.

I can only see your father trying to protect his assets and his grandchildren’s interests. Honestly any inheritance that crosses your path will be used and lost by your DH almost immediately. You seem to have some mental block about how destructive this man is.

You allocate issues to everyone, autism, adhd, dementia to everyone that doesn’t appear to entertain your way of thinking.

Talk to a psychotherapist. I believe it’ll be more useful than a counsellor to be honest.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but you’re very like my brother.

It sounds to me that you are part of a Toxic family
Your reactions and your DS MH issues sound like Complex-PTSD caused by trauma
Essentially the result is extreme self harming behaviours and chosing a complex, erratic unstable partner is part of that.
You replicate your family set up in adult relationships, self harm attempts and can include drug/ alcohol/ use of food in a harming way

Personally I think you could seek out a therapist who is trauma informed and take it from there

I also feel my dad had some wierd issues and never wanted us to have husbands or boyfriends - nobody was every good enough for us
@almondmilk123 reading this makes me feel that your father enjoyed being the patriarch who dominated and oversaw his three daughters, he enjoyed the feeling of power and control that it gave him and he doesn't want to give it up (no one relinquishes power willingly!)
Putting you on special measures in his will is a way of extending his control so that he controls you posthumously.

I think it would be helpful for you, in your head, to stop calling her the normal sister. It's probably how she see's herself in the family but sounds like she's not normal at all. She's the angry sister.

The normal sister isn't the normal sister, she's the 'normal' sister, i.e regarded as normal but clearly not normal!