Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I know you don’t want to hear about ending the relationship but your wife is taking the piss.

There is no reason that she couldn’t have got a few hours of work at least, whilst the kids were in primary school.

The fact that she refuses to work whilst they’re in secondary school is lazy and disrespectful.

She doesn’t work because she doesn’t need to work, knowing that you will pick up the slack.

It’s very unfair.
What does she do all day every day.
Perhaps you would like to drop a day but she’s not giving you that option.

I would not allow this from my DH.
I would be telling her that she needs to get a little PT job now and that once the youngest starts secondary school she needs to be planning to get FT work (perhaps you could both do 4 days a week).

I would tell her that if she’s not working within the next 6 months, then you will be reconsidering the relationship and if you decide to end it then she’ll have no choice but need to work FT and be responsible for all of her own bills.

I am astonished at most of the replies on this thread. Most people usually say- once primary school hits, both parents can work some of the time. Here we have secondary school age and your wife isn't anticipating going back to work- ever! People are saying this is fine, she's probably just deskilled, she's running the home.

So puzzled, this thread seems the opposite of every other thread on Mumsnet I've ever read!

I work as a lone parent, earning just under what you are earning, and have two children/young adults to fund at college and uni. The idea of having a house husband doing 'household tasks' all day is absolutely laughable to me, I would not tolerate it for one second, even if it did allow for more fun chats with the teenagers. I am very very tired from working full-time and running a household and caring for two kids, and I would expect my husband if I had one to be pulling his weight in multiple ways, financial, emotional and jobs around the home.

There are lots of part-time and WFH things she could do as a trained teacher, I have tutored myself to bring in extra money.

The stress of doing everything is great, and paying for everything is great, and this should be at least somewhat shared as you move forward into the later years. Is she not going to work ever, til she 'retires' (from what?)

Life is set up for double income, as you say, she can earn £12.5 k without any tax! I would kill for this double tax allowance. Instead I have as a lone parent, to pay extra compared with couples. It is far more tax-efficient for a second parent to earn a small amount- you would probably have to earn £30-40k more to equal that £12.5 tax free given your tax bracket.

Weirded out by this thread and the answers.

Theres this magical thing called 'afterschool club', you pay for it out of the money you earn working 👌
And secondary school children don't need collecting in fact most schools strongly prefer you NOT to collect children, they should be encouraged to be making their way to and from secondary school independently.

@NerrSnerr

When you factor in all holidays, it's a lot less than 6 hours

DP (male) works part time in a fairly low-paid role, and does 75% of childcare and housework so I can work full time. I'd LOVE to not work! I'd gladly reduce my hours, but can't afford to as DP can't earn enough to make up the shortfall. However, when youngest DC starts school, he'll pick up more work and then I might be able to cut back a bit.

In your situation, OP, I'd say to your wife that you will not be working fulltime forever, so in x years your income is likely to drop by say 20-40%, so what's her plan for contributing to your shared way of life to ensure you have a similar quality of life in terms of free time, stress and being able to afford what you need (whether or not that includes supporting DC through uni/in future)? It's grossly unfair for her to expect you to work fulltime into your 60s while she won't even work part time.

What surprises me the most is that in this day and age, it's still a question of "will DH pull his weight if his DW goes back to work?" Surely we've moved on from looking after children as being the sole role of the mother? There is nothing that a mother does that the father shouldn't be able to do.

well it's only a year now, may as well wait it out if you've waited the rest.

the question is, is she going to come up with another excuse in a year's time?

Why would he take on 100% of the stuff that she does?

And why would he be working a 40+ hour week and do the kids/household responsibilities on top, when he has a wife at home doing nothing for 8+ hours everyday.

Whilst she’s not working, she should absolutely do 100% of all the household responsibilities and if she gets a FT job then it should become 50/50.

These are generalisations. You don't know what provision is on offer at the younger child's primary school and nor do you know anything about the secondary school at all. OP acknowledged he didn't know how these things would work if DW wasn't available.

You are being entirely reasonable @pocketpairs. Your family life is reaching a different (& expensive) stage. I think your wife is sticking her head in the sand. Look up how much Uni rents cost and show your DW. 4 x adults food, accommodation, phones, shoes/clothes, haircuts, life & holidays costs a lot!

Talk to her about future forecasts of what you have to live on & talk about when you plan to retire. I assume she doesn’t think it’s fair that you work until you are 68 and she never works again? If you die early how will she manage financially? She needs to consider this.

it may be she doesn’t want to return to teaching or tutoring. That’s ok. But open the conversation up again about what she does enjoy and would like to get paid to do.

Children being supported at home also means showing them the importance of employment to support their lifestyle and its healthy for them to see their parents having lives/work outside them.

I think it's because actually we haven't. The male partner getting the practical benefit of a SAHP but also expecting a second income, nothing else to change and for things to magically fall into place is common enough for it to be a trope on here.

6 hours in term time. Yes, I would expect a SAHP to look after their children in the holidays. It's probably knackering but then they can enjoy the 39 weeks per year where they get time to themselves.

Likewise we’ve moved on from the days of male breadwinner financially supporting the whole household.

You cant force her back to work unless you leave her, it's that simple.

If you dont want that option then you need a proper conversation and she doesnt get to close it down. But you need to be ready with the facts and figures for why you believe you both need more money coming in. You also need to encourage her to consider if she can do other work besides teaching.

Write a letter if she persistently refuses to engage.

Would you be ok with your husband going part time or taking a few years off, given he's been working full time for years to cover the financial side of the requirements for your family?

You have both contributed, you with the kids and house, him with work. Why would you be entitled to suddenly take it easy when the kids get to secondary while he has to keep working at the same rate?

Do you not plan to ever work then?

This seems fair.

She may feel concerned that she’ll end up working 30-40h pw and still end up with all the mundane housework, shopping and life admin which so often falls on women. Whereas if you’re proposing she works for around 16h pw and you chip in with this stuff, that seems fair.

She could do supply teaching and exam invigilation perhaps.

@Choochoo21

Totally agree with you but she's been doing 100 to enable him to have a career, he really needs to be able to pick up a lot to get her back to work tbh. OP doesn't seem to want to entertain school runs etc, it's not going to work.

I think most people would feel a bit of resentment at funding someone to have a good lifestyle without them contributing. I would encourage her to think about what she'd like to do and look at using these next few years to retrain. College/online degree would be ideal for her to consider. I changed careers completely after having kids.

What I hear is the snippet of conversation back from when they were at Primary School - who will pick the kids up?

DW was asking for support with the children to go back to work, and he did not offer any. He wants her to do the maximum amount of work she can do while still managing to do everything she already does.

I do not think we are getting the full picture here.

@pocketpairs it sounds like she’s not interested in tutoring but it would probably pay better than other part time work going, the rate here is £45 an hr one to one online.

I think you're right.
I'd like to hear the wife's take on this.

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

You can't force someone to work. You just can't. You either live with it or "no comment". I'd be turned off by someone that lazy.

It's called teamwork in a marriage. My husband wants the type of life where he can fly off for work at a moment's notice and not have to worry about anything else because he knows I'm around to take care of things at home.

I think it's entirely reasonable to have another discussion regarding returning to work once the children are older but in the OP's case he sounds prescriptive, unappreciative of his wife's contributions, and doesn't seem interested in finding out the real reasons why she's so resistant towards returning to work.

I get that the early years are very tough being a parent and a small breather might be necessary, but I struggle with the idea that they are enough work to never work again in any form.

Ultimately, the way tax works can be better for the household for someone to take on a part time job on lower pay than the higher earner keep doing more. Some jobs are actually quite nice, they dont have to be a fancy career in a rat race.