Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Read back. He does more than a fair share. Sounds like it’s fairly equally split
Given he’s FT and she does no paid work she should be doing about 90% of it which she isn’t now.

Honestly this thread does feminism no good at all. I can only assume it’s all the SAHM who are terrified they will get called out and have to stop all the coffee dates and yoga classes.

No clue as to what these jobs are or how to get them? No one I know has found one!

if he’s a regular worker going to work in work attire he doesn’t need an adult forgoing work to maintain his grooming & laundry. It isn’t a full time task. All that’s going on here is posters feverishly listing tasks(that everyone manages when working) as a reason , an imperative what she cannot work

DC1 is 16, and she's not worked in 10 years. Since DC2 was 1 (now 10). Appreciate curriculum has changed and it might be a stretch too far initially to get back up to speed. Did suggest supply teaching on days I work from home (as you take nothing home as far as I understand), which I don't know could work or not.

Exactly. Drop the volunteering and voila! She has time to earn an income.

We'd all like to volunteer but supporting our families should be Priority One.

If the housework slips, that is not important when compared to a paltry retirement income.

Did you even bother reading what I replied to before you typed that, or did anger take over? Someone saying just what you’ve said here, but without acknowledging it’s a two way street and OP should also be grateful for the fact his wife has enabled him to have children without his career being impacted at all.

She only gave up her job some time after the second child was born. So it’s less than a decade, as the youngest is ten.

The OP has consistently refused to answer the many questions from multiple posters about whether he did any of the childcare or household chores. It’s clear that he expects to have his career facilitated without being inconvenienced by family responsibilities.

This entire thread is a warning to never become financially dependent on a man, particularly if the reason is because he’s doesn’t want to do his share of the domestic load post-children.

The fastest way to do this is to maximize salary sacrifice into pension, and maybe an ISA, and make it clear to the family that what's left over is the new normal and now their permanent standard of living. Probably various budget items will need to be lowered or eliminated. Oh well.

Those who want to upgrade can work to pay for the upgrades; OP needs to focus on long-term security.

Enabled someone to have a career sounds really old fashioned. Both DH and I have careers both earning trippel what OP earns. We have both always worked. Unless you have a career with lots of travelling etc you can both work. I even volunteer 😉

Because it helps feminism to enable men to demand their wife, who they were very happy to let sacrifice their career to do all the early child raising, should now get a job that works around the kids and his job, so that his career can carry on still unimpaired, rather than realising he also has to make changes? He refuses to answer if he’d be happy for her to have a full time career.

I’m not SAHM by the way, so no ‘terror’ here.

Tell her you're going part time. See if that shifts her.

I don't get all these people talking about how much work there is to do at home. We've both worked full time all through, and still managed to get everything done.

I teach, and as soon as the kids were old enough to sort themselves out, I got to live the life of a sahm with older kids. I can totally see why she wouldn't want to work for a living, if she didn't have to. There's really not that much that needs doing during the day.

So nine years then.

“Since DC2 was 1 (now 10).”

Very interesting comments. I do think her priorities have changed. From someone so career driven to not overly fussed about that aspect of her life.

No mental health issues, really bubbly carefree person, who rarely takes things to heart. Has great circle of close friends. Multiple hobbies and interests. Just doesn't want to do (paid) work, or maybe work she used to so (got this from today's thread)

He has answered a couple of times at least.

This false meme people have developed that OP does nothing at home or for the kids, and wants to continue to do nothing while sending his poor overworked wife out to the salt mines, is so absurd.

It could be that much of the "housework" that the wife performs is stuff that no one would even notice if she gave it up in lieu of paid employment.

This is abusive.

That's how I initially started conversation few months back. Why don't you just try 1-2 tuition for coffee money.

I think you would be getting different replies if this was the other way round and the man didn't work. I would not be happy if my DP did not work and had no plans to ever earn an income. Your salary is good but I don't think it's good enough for her not to work even with the mortgage paid off. She's basically expecting your pension to support her retirement and what happens of you were to seperate when the kids are grown up? She'll have 0 independence

Isn’t it equally abusive to refuse to contribute financially when you are clearly in a position to?

Strict budgeting is not "abusive."

If OP is providing nutritious (if not particularly appetizing) food, shelter, baseline heat, electricity, transport to/from school and basic clothing, he's doing plenty. He's not required to fund hobbies, luxuries, elevated food and wine, unlimited fuel for traveling to hobbies, holidays, etc. on demand.

He's entitled to direct as much of his income as possible into pension and long-term savings; surely anyone can see that is more important than hobbies, sport, spa treatments, etc.

OP I’d strongly advise you to discuss with your wife the situation you will be in when you retire if she does not go back to work. You can do the maths on the figures you have but believe me (two years retired) it doesn’t cost less to live in retirement and it is good to be able to treat your children and travel. Possibly 30 years of house maintenance to find and you might need expensive dental treatment or a new hip that the NHS won’t fund quickly is at all. Our salvation has been DH’s public sector pension, which is much more than anything we could have saved up for privately. If your wife went back to teaching part time this would make a really good contribution towards your later years. Personally I worked full time from when I graduated until I retired at 66 and took off 8 weeks for each child, so I have no sympathy for someone who will not work. If you don’t want to do housework get a cleaner.

I agree with this.

The workplace can seem like a foreign country if you've been out of it for an extended period.

I was very sympathetic towards your wife until this update. I’m a traditional stay at home mother and my husband and I enjoy our traditional life which affords us a lot of peace and happiness. But if we were struggling financially for any reason, I’d be more than happy to tutor online etc or find something else suitable. A few hours each week of teaching online is more than doable for a trained teacher.

Was the house paid off via income or inheritance, out of curiosity?

Are you maximizing salary sacrifice into your pension?

What would you be left with in equity if you divorced and received half the proceeds of the house sale? Could you buy a place large enough to do 50/50 childcare? If so, you woulldn't be paying maintenance.

Ha!

The wilful ignoring of the value of women's work in the home came back to bite. Hope it bit him and not you.

No she is quite frugal, guess we both apart, apart from eating out at least once a week. She's way too generous IMO (i.e. gave her niece (who's she's not particularly close to £500 wedding present!!)