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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend wants space?

118 replies

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 22:52

We have been together 15 months and live together. He (33M) has been stressed at work recently so has started counselling, but our relationship has also been the topic of conversation in these sessions.

He is now saying how much he loves me and how amazing I am but wants time to think clearly so he can work out what his issues are with us? He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low

OP posts:
AlertCat · 27/09/2024 22:53

break up with him. He needs a kick up the arse and at the moment it doesn’t look as if he loves you.

username0489 · 27/09/2024 22:54

A year in should be the honeymoon period where you're both smitten but he needs space to discuss your relationship with a counsellor. I'd cut my losses.

PickAChew · 27/09/2024 22:55

Give him all the space in the world. On your terms. Don't let him mess you about.

Toptotoe · 27/09/2024 22:57

Give him the space and keep busy.

SapatSea · 27/09/2024 23:00

Is he going to move out and can you affor the place on your own? I know its heartbreaking but I'd start to detach. He's not the one for you.

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:02

SapatSea · 27/09/2024 23:00

Is he going to move out and can you affor the place on your own? I know its heartbreaking but I'd start to detach. He's not the one for you.

I would ultimately be the one moving out as I can't afford the place by myself but he can

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:03

username0489 · 27/09/2024 22:54

A year in should be the honeymoon period where you're both smitten but he needs space to discuss your relationship with a counsellor. I'd cut my losses.

I completely agree, but I always felt like we were in the honeymoon period until this all came up on Monday night Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:04

AlertCat · 27/09/2024 22:53

break up with him. He needs a kick up the arse and at the moment it doesn’t look as if he loves you.

Should I give him the space he needs?

OP posts:
Manyshelves · 27/09/2024 23:06

This sounds rubbish 💐

I think you should move out and give him space. Detach and make sure you get on with your life. Don’t hang around for him to decide.

If it’s meant to be it will be, but you need to reclaim your independence

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:10

So women complain men don't communicate with them and one does 'you have to get rid of him'

Yes when a women has issues on a relationship 'you have to get rid of him'

When a man has issues 'omg how can he do that to you he is an evil bastard'

Well move out and see how you feel then but yes probably not going to work

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:16

Manyshelves · 27/09/2024 23:06

This sounds rubbish 💐

I think you should move out and give him space. Detach and make sure you get on with your life. Don’t hang around for him to decide.

If it’s meant to be it will be, but you need to reclaim your independence

My family home is 200 miles away and there isn't room for me there. So it's really difficult to just up and leave Sad he also knows this and is probably why he feels so bad. I'm giving him space and sleeping in the spare room at the minute and we are both keeping ourselves busy during the day time.

Just feel in limbo. I'm trying to see if any of my friends who live here want to rent a flat with me so I can gain back some independence.

OP posts:
AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 27/09/2024 23:17

@sunshinebaby1

I know this will be VERY hard, but you need to give him space, on YOUR terms.

do you have a friend you can move in with?

family if not?

Do that for now, move everything out. Let him feel the lack of your presence, not have it as though you're just on holiday.

Dont be his support person, he can lean on therapy/friends.

Actually detach yourself, go out, have fun with friends etc. Don't sit about waiting for him. Life's too short & you're worth more.

IF he comes wanting to get back together, don't dive back in! If YOU want to try again, then date, for a good long while.

be warned, you'll never feel the same again, he's fucked your ability to fully trust him to be there for you.

personally I think you're better to take the full hit now & not get back with
him, because it's never as good after 'space'

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really really shit x

Justice4Friend · 27/09/2024 23:20

He wants to end things.
Move out.
What do you do for a job?
Don't rent as a tenant anywhere, money down the drain.
Be a lodger in someone's home - more freedom to move and cheaper.

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:20

@AutumnTimeForCosy24 thank you for the reply it means a lot. The issue is I can't just move out. He needs to give me time to find somewhere else to rent also. But I am sleeping in the spare room. None of my friends have space for me to stay unfortunately. It's such a shitty situation because he's telling me "I'm not breaking up with you I just need space to think about what I want" it's so confusing.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 27/09/2024 23:21

Sounds like he wants to break up… see if you want nice out and house share?

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:22

@Justice4Friend work in sales at the minute but I live in an area where finding somewhere to rent is virtually impossible. I'm trying so hard to find somewhere. He initially said he wants space for a few days he's not told me to leave or he wants to break up. Sadit's all very confusing

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:24

@Guavafish1 To me it does sound like that yes, it's very difficult as he's still saying "I don't know what I want, you mean a lot to me and I love you"
It's so hard at my age (30F) to go from having your own home and go back to a house share. But I'm even looking into this as an option Sad

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 27/09/2024 23:24

If someone told me they wanted space then we would be over.

if someone wants space they are telling you they don’t want to be with you but trying to do it gently so that they don’t look like the bad guy,

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:25

You really need to remain independent of a bf unless it is really long term

Grendell · 27/09/2024 23:25

Sounds like he wants to end things but since it is you who has to move out, he is afraid to tell you.

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:25

@2chocolateoranges I think this to! And I have said this to him straight up. And he has said that is not what it means at all. But it's all come out the blue and is a huge shock. So I need time to find somewhere Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:27

@Grendell i agree, I feel like he doesn't want to come off as the bad person

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:27

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:25

You really need to remain independent of a bf unless it is really long term

I've learnt my lesson Sad

OP posts:
AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 27/09/2024 23:28

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:20

@AutumnTimeForCosy24 thank you for the reply it means a lot. The issue is I can't just move out. He needs to give me time to find somewhere else to rent also. But I am sleeping in the spare room. None of my friends have space for me to stay unfortunately. It's such a shitty situation because he's telling me "I'm not breaking up with you I just need space to think about what I want" it's so confusing.

@sunshinebaby1

its hard when you don't have friends/family nearby that you quickly go to, but sometimes it easy to overlook people that would happily help you out if they knew. Bunk 2 of the kids in to share a room, let you have the home office. Share a room. It depends what stage of life they're all at.

As someone else said. Look at 'just a room' as a lodger or flat share (cheaper & more flexible) you can easily move out once you know where you're at.

sleeping in the spare room isn't making him feel the loss of your presence (which he needs to) and he needs to understand there's TWO people in this relationship & it's not all about him. The decision to break up isn't solely his. You're not a toy to be dangled on a string until he decides whether he wants to play with you or not.