Boyfriend wants space?

[sunshinebaby1]

We have been together 15 months and live together. He (33M) has been stressed at work recently so has started counselling, but our relationship has also been the topic of conversation in these sessions.

He is now saying how much he loves me and how amazing I am but wants time to think clearly so he can work out what his issues are with us? He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low

Leave him

Make it your first goal to live independently and never compromise that.

He has fucked you around, got you to move foe him and now has pulled the rug from under you.

Don't allow yourself to be put in this situation again, you can only rely on yourself.

He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Of course he does. He’s told you he’s been discussing it with a counsellor. He just doesn’t want to tell you.

Spare room website - find a room in someone's house - lodger - please don't waste money on rent as a tenant as more expensive.

I know this isn't what you are asking but use this as a opportunity to reassess your own life.
Can you find a job near your parents?
Can you find a room near your parents?
You need stability.
This relationship has left you with a feeling of abandonment.
Minimum you need to know you control your own housing situation.

Further your education and career.
No one can take that from you.

On Mumsnet most threads are about men cheating, trying out other options, we don't live in a world where fidelity is valued.

Are you in your twenties?

Don't waste your energy on him, you'll make yourself ill.
Sleep, eat, go for walks - arrange your life away from him.

If it's meant to be he'll come and find you but honestly he's making you 'homeless' because he needs space!
Why can't he go on holiday on his own for 2 weeks to figure out what he wants?
Why can't he just sat it's over?
Instead he's dangling a bit of false hope and making you homeless.

You don't need to be a renter to know a mouldy dump has hundreds of applicants.

He knows what he's doing to you, the very least he can do is be truthful so you can plan.

Space usually means they've got other women they want to try out.

If your city or town is quite large, if it's not too outing, where do you live?
Spareroom has rooms in the most obscure places - but even with those you have to move quickly.
Your advantage is you're a woman and most prefer women.
Try and find an older woman live in landlady.
Ensuite.
All bills included arrangement.
If you don't need to worry about money and housing you can focus on what you really want and plan.

@Justice4Friend thank you for your advice. I'm 30 years old, and I moved away from home 3 years ago to a different city after a broken engagement. I stayed single the whole time up until I met my now boyfriend. So as you can imagine this is knocking me absolutely sick. I feel like I've wasted my time. And I feel like I'm grieving a relationship that hasn't technically ended yet

I agree.

This is why it's important you move out.
Grieve once you're away from him.
Then get a job near your parents / family - if they're not toxic.

Do you have a good support network back where you're originally from?

Are your friendships superficial in the city you're currently in?

It seems like your friendships where you are, are superficial, acquaintance, good times only types - not one person could lend you their living room for a couple of weeks?!

You're 30 - you're young.
Don't move in with man again unless you have been dating for at least a year.
So, if it ends then your housing isn't impacted.

Nobody else has said it, but maybe someone should, so here goes...

Is is possible he's had his head turned by someone else?

A lot of my friends here are renting rooms with their partners themselves or they have a live in landlord (one of my friends already asked her landlord if it would be ok I sleep on the sofa). So it's super difficult for them unfortunately. I'd say my good friendships are now where I am and they've been a huge help throughout all of this. I don't have a friendship group back home, just the odd friend here and there as they all moved away also.

I think it's also my pride not wanting to move back home, as it will feel like I'm back to square one again. It's heartbreaking and I keep thinking, how many times do I have to go through something like this.

@blacksax I've also wondered this and I've asked him the question and he says no. He's extremely introverted and (not diagnosed) but is probably slightly on the autistic scale ever so slightly.

OK, in that case stay where you are.
Basically wherever the best career opportunities are.
Have you got enough money for a deposit?

Are you eating ok?
Don't skip meals and get sleep as hard as it is.
You got over your broken engagement and you'll get over this.

Do you have any furniture there or is it a case of packing your clothes and moving?
Don't do him any favours and take everything that is yours.

If you get on with your family then spend Christmas there - keep active in the lives of the people that care about you - it brings comfort at times like this, going for a weekend to your parents, to your old uni mates, night out with the local girls.

Get a cheap gym membership - use it every other day - you'll feel differently mentally.

All the women I've ever known - when space is the reason given - it's always from a man - it's always to do with other romantic or sexual opportunities.
In some cases it's internet based they haven't even met the other woman!
They usually want to trial the other woman out.

If this was your place he would've packed a bag and just left.

Do not move home. Do not relocate. Keep your job. Dig deep. Do not be the one to sofa-surf. Negotiate an ‘orderly exit’ over time. Save every penny you can.

Sorry this is happening to you. He may be depressed/stressed etc but he is really not being fair to you at all. If he wants space then he can be the one to leave the flat for a while, and continuing to pay his part of the rent.

This whole "I don't know what I waaaaant, I don't know what's wroooong" sounds like bs to me honestly, but even if it's not, it's cruel for him to suddenly drop that on you and expect you to just deal with it.

It sounds like he wants to end things but he's a coward and doesn't want to look like the bad guy, so he's engineering a situation whereby it seems like a mutual parting of ways due to his 'confusion' and you not wanting to further impact his mental health. I would end it if I were you...I'm sorry but I don't know if I've ever seen a relationship where someone 'needed space' get stronger after the time apart.

I would use this time to think about what you want. Are you genuinely happy in the relationship? Can you be happy if he choses to stay with you? Knowing that he doubted the longevity of the relationship?

Take this time to love yourself and think about you. Don't try to second guess him. See your friends, maybe visit family, have a few days away if you can afford it. Enjoy the benefits of not having to take someone else into account in your decision making.

Also plan for if it doesn't work out. Could you take on a roommate to afford your place. ? If not are there house shares in your area if you can't afford to rent alone? You need a plan in case after the time apart one of you decides to end the relationship.

You probably feel like you are not in control but you totally are. You too can decide if the relationship is working and what you might do if it doesn't work out.

How soon after getting together did you move in? Where did you live before you moved in? What was his living situation before he lived with you?

I'm trying to think of things that might help explain his request for space that aren't entirely negative but in all honesty it sounds like he's trying to break up gradually (perhaps mistakenly thinking this is kinder!).

@AltitudeCheck we both rented separately before this. He bought a house and asked me to move in with him 7 after dating. It sounds quick but we mostly spent our time off work together anyway.

We have our own lives and friends so I wouldn't say we are on top of each other at all either.

@SleepPrettyDarling I was thinking about this to. If it is over, he needs to give me time to sort my living situation out. I can't just leave the minute he decides

He is giving you time

rent a room elsewhere

I think he regrets having you move in and has been discussing ways with his therapist how to get you to leave in a respectful way

im not sure why you have to sleep in the spare room if you haven’t broken up though?!

do you contribute fairly?

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I also think this is about sex. He wants to hook up online or something buy keep you as the longer term girlfriend.

Assuming living with him isn't excessively expensive, treat this like notice - you don't have to uproot yourself in 5 seconds. Take time to find somewhere to live without mad desperate rush. Continue your life and treat him like a housemate in the meantime. He doesn't want to be the baddie even while acting like it.

No one ever jist "wants space" to figure things out for no reason. Dh and I are both introverts so we both need regular time alone, and thr other o e respects that, but we aren't looking for space from the relationship.

If he was that bothered about you, he wouldn’t be putting you in this ridiculous situation re housing. It’s totally unrealistic to want ‘space’ for an undefined, temporary period.

Walk away.

I was in a very similar position 3 years into a relationship. He said I was amazing blah blah but he had so much going on that he needed space. It nearly killed me if I’m being completely honest. It’s been almost two years and he’s still fighting for me back but the damage is done.

Don’t let this man put you down and pick you back up.

He really doesn't. Harsh I know but it is his house, you don't have a tenancy or rental agreement. If he decides he doesn't want you know his house, you really have no choice, he only needs to give you 10 days notice. He can call the police to make you leave if that's the way he decides to go.

You may be better off contacting Citizen's Advice, if you can prove that you have significant financial interest in the house, eg you have been paying half the mortgage and half of all bills and home improvements etc you may get some extra time.

Call Shelter as well.

"My family home is 200 miles away and there isn't room for me there. So it's really difficult to just up and leave he also knows this and is probably why he feels so bad. I'm giving him space and sleeping in the spare room at the minute and we are both keeping ourselves busy during the day time.

Just feel in limbo. I'm trying to see if any of my friends who live here want to rent a flat with me so I can gain back some independence."

I suspect he wants to split with you but feels too guilty, given your circumstances.

Start making plans (quickly) for moving out and finding somewhere else to live (and, after that, make plans for staying independent without a man).

Sorry you're going through this... x

Thank you for all the replies, he said he wanted space for the weekend and for me to come back on Tuesday so we could talk. I'm still currently in the house trying to figure out my next move