Page 4 | Boyfriend wants space?

OfficerChurlish · 28/09/2024 19:46

It sounds really abstract - he's not asking you to do anything in particular or suggesting that he will do something specific, and he doesn't have a time frame. Ideally, he could take some kind of trip by himself, get out of his daily routine and really have the time (and "space") to think things through without too many distractions, and meanwhile you can get on with your daily life without being disrupted. But if he's busy at work that would probably only be possible for a few days at most, which may not be enough.

I'd see a red flag here in that he's not saying "our relationship isn't working right now. I don't want to break up; if you don't either let's work on it together". He's leaving it all up to him, with you expected to wait passively to see what he decides. I'd want to try to get him talk about what's wrong and how he would like his life to be different to get an idea of whether he's way out there wanting to move to Antartica or join a monastery vs just wanting a different kind of relationship or to be with you in a different way - but "give me space" kind of precludes any discussion. Even if he decides he wants to continue, it'll be difficult to trust him not to do this (shut you out while deciding things that greatly impact your life) again.

StormingNorman · 28/09/2024 19:55

Very odd to be so specific on how much time he needs you out the house. Will he be seeing his therapist before you speak…is that why he specified Tuesday?

Catoo · 28/09/2024 19:57

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 19:32

I dont think he has anyone else because he's very introverted and doesn't even have many friends. He doesn't go out clubbing etc. he's not that kind of guy. But that's more worrying for me. Because it means I'm genuinely the problem. It would be easier if there was someone else.

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OP he was outgoing enough to meet you and start a relationship and move you in. Clubs aren’t great places to meet people for long term relationships. Most likely he’s met someone at work, through hobbies, mutual friends, online etc. I think it’s a real possibility. A very introverted man with no prospects of meeting another woman is very unlikely to ask the one he has to move out.

Hope I’m wrong. But they do always seem to find a way.

MrSeptember · 28/09/2024 20:03

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 13:50

It's not irrelevant that he owns the home. It's very, very relevant. Unfortunately, the op has put herself in this very vulnerable position. If it were a woman saying she wanted her boyfriend out of her home and he wouldn't leave, we would all be advising her to call the police and have him removed.

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I disagree. The scenario you describe is usually when the boyfriend has behaved really badly, is abusive etc. More often, when it's just a woman who has decided she wants something else, she's told to move into the spare room and to give him a deadline to move out of her house.

As you have left howeve OP, obviously make sure you're not paying a single cent towards any of the normal bills, and deduct any equivalent amounts because if he's going to act like he can kick you out anytime, he certainy has no right to any of your money.

Mom2K · 28/09/2024 20:05

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 19:32

I dont think he has anyone else because he's very introverted and doesn't even have many friends. He doesn't go out clubbing etc. he's not that kind of guy. But that's more worrying for me. Because it means I'm genuinely the problem. It would be easier if there was someone else.

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Honestly, I think the way you're describing him makes it more than likely he has someone in the wings or that he's been online cheating.

My exH is also introverted, prefers being alone, is an academic type, doesn't have many friends, prefers to avoid social gatherings. He' a porn addict with dating profiles pretending to be a single father while we were married and was webcaming and chatting up all kinds of women online (also doing some other creepy and inappropriate things that I won't detail).

The anonymity of the internet was the perfect medium for his personality type to be a total cheating sleaze, and you'd never know it from the outside looking in. You also can't ask them if there is someone else, and expect an honest answer. If they're cheating, they are already a liar so their word means nothing.

Whether or not this applies to your bf is kind of irrelevant though (at least it would be for me) because he's asked you to leave. Regardless of the reason, I'd never be able to trust him again, even if after a break he said he wanted to get back together. Relationships are always going to have ups and downs, if someone can't power through and has to have 'space' they are not relationship material and I'd always worry they'd do this again at the next difficult patch.

rubyrubyrubyrubymurray · 28/09/2024 20:05

15 months in. Fuck that.

Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 20:10

StormingNorman · 28/09/2024 19:55

Very odd to be so specific on how much time he needs you out the house. Will he be seeing his therapist before you speak…is that why he specified Tuesday?

Yes he's going to counselling on Monday night. So I'm giving him time to sleep on it.

OP posts:

Thursdaygirl · 28/09/2024 20:17

If DH had to see a counsellor to decide whether or not he wanted to continue with me, I would assume he wasn’t all that keen!

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 28/09/2024 20:21

Sounds like he is working through things in his head due to the counselling. Maybe coming to realise he’d prefer to live alone / be single. He’s being cruel to you, sounds like he acknowledges that. Ask him for some money so you can sort out first months deposit on your own rental. I Think he owes you that as he’s left you in a vulnerable position due to his poor choices moving you in.

Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 21:34

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 28/09/2024 20:21

Sounds like he is working through things in his head due to the counselling. Maybe coming to realise he’d prefer to live alone / be single. He’s being cruel to you, sounds like he acknowledges that. Ask him for some money so you can sort out first months deposit on your own rental. I Think he owes you that as he’s left you in a vulnerable position due to his poor choices moving you in.

I think this too, he feels bad because he's leaving me in a vulnerable position and feels bad. But I think it's the only reason he feels bad

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StormingNorman · 29/09/2024 00:46

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 20:10

Yes he's going to counselling on Monday night. So I'm giving him time to sleep on it.

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That makes sense. The feelings coming up in counselling could be getting muddled up and he doesn’t know how to separate the good from the bad, or the past from the present.

Counselling puts everything under a microscope and that can be quite gruelling on a relationship. And despite living together, your relationship is still quite young to be going through this.

I would be inclined to keep an open mind until you’ve spoken and heard what he has to say. But at the same time, put yourself first.

Hope you’re doing ok x

neilyoungismyhero · 29/09/2024 00:56

Depending on how you feel about him would just becoming a housemate for a few months work until you get on your feet financially and you could then spend time looking for other accommodation.

Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 01:14

Could you take some time off work and go home for a bit to do a bit of your own thinking? It can help to see things from further away sometimes, and to be with the people who actually care about you.

People who want to be together just make sure that they can be. They don’t ask for space and jerk their partner around. I wouldn’t be going back on Tuesday as per his request. you’re not a puppet on a string.

Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 01:26

@StormingNorman I said this to him myself about it putting everything under a microscope. he's only had one counselling session and already this has blown up. We were normal before this

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Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 01:27

Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 01:14

Could you take some time off work and go home for a bit to do a bit of your own thinking? It can help to see things from further away sometimes, and to be with the people who actually care about you.

People who want to be together just make sure that they can be. They don’t ask for space and jerk their partner around. I wouldn’t be going back on Tuesday as per his request. you’re not a puppet on a string.

I have to go back Tuesday as I have a job interview on Wednesday. Which breaks my heart because it's a job I want.

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megan9 · 29/09/2024 01:28

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 22:52

We have been together 15 months and live together. He (33M) has been stressed at work recently so has started counselling, but our relationship has also been the topic of conversation in these sessions.

He is now saying how much he loves me and how amazing I am but wants time to think clearly so he can work out what his issues are with us? He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low

Could it be because he's depressed? As someone with mental illness sometimes it's not to do with the people around me but more how I'm feeling. It's good he's having therapy and maybe this is something he needs to discuss. I do think he might be pushing you away because of the depression not anything wrong with you or the relationship. Sit him down after he's has some space and have a heart to heart x

Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 01:30

@Thursdaygirl yes this would be my only option as I just can't afford to rent by myself since living with him. Rent has drastically gone up in the area I live in. My car costs me £400 a month alone (finance and insurance). So if I rent a room somewhere they're on average about £700 a month, and with my salary being £1600 a month. It doesn't leave me with alot at all

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pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 01:33

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:20

@AutumnTimeForCosy24 thank you for the reply it means a lot. The issue is I can't just move out. He needs to give me time to find somewhere else to rent also. But I am sleeping in the spare room. None of my friends have space for me to stay unfortunately. It's such a shitty situation because he's telling me "I'm not breaking up with you I just need space to think about what I want" it's so confusing.

He is breaking up with you. Don’t get your head spun. If a man loves you—whether wisely or unwisely—he can’t bear to be parted from you. That is just the fact of the matter. If he is happy for you to move out he is…well..preferring to break yp with you. Rent a room elsewhere and call it a day.

Original poster

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 01:34

@megan9 we've sat and spoke about it for hours, I asked if he was depressed and he said he wasn't. He just feels really anxious. He also said he's never felt like this before in his life. Which obviously concerns me a lot because he shouldn't be feeling like that while being with me.

He also said I'm such a good person and he feels very loved by m. But I think this is the problem. He's too scared to break up with me because "I'm a good person"

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Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 01:41

OK in that case I hope you can channel your current stress into kicking ass at this interview! Good luck, go for it. Just cos he’s a confused twat doesn’t mean you can’t keep progressing in life.

Mmhmmn · 29/09/2024 01:46

must say all that good person stuff - not the same as just loving you and wanting to be with you. It’s not supposed to be so difficult. You deserve and can have that. Have you seen any decent room to rent options?

CheekyHobson · 29/09/2024 01:50

Because it means I'm genuinely the problem. It would be easier if there was someone else.

Even if for some reason he’s decided this relationship isn’t what he’s looking for, that doesn’t mean you are “the problem”.

However I would put money down that there’s some other woman somewhere. If your relationship genuinely otherwise seemed absolutely fine to you and you thought you were both happy, it’s unlikely he’s suddenly become conflicted about it for any reason other than having another option.

CheekyHobson · 29/09/2024 01:52

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 01:34

@megan9 we've sat and spoke about it for hours, I asked if he was depressed and he said he wasn't. He just feels really anxious. He also said he's never felt like this before in his life. Which obviously concerns me a lot because he shouldn't be feeling like that while being with me.

He also said I'm such a good person and he feels very loved by m. But I think this is the problem. He's too scared to break up with me because "I'm a good person"

He’s gaslighting you and that’s really unfair of him. A person suffering from anxiety doesn’t dump a good relationship with a person he loves. They seek medical or psychological help and lean on the support of their partner.

His anxiety is most likely related to the fact that he’s hiding a secret relationship from you.

kiwiane · 29/09/2024 01:59

Do the prep you need for your job interview and try to put house hunting aside until then. You could explore options around selling your car - it seems expensive compared to your income and shouldn’t stop you being able to house yourself. I think shared houses where you are now seem like a good option.

Justice4Friend · 29/09/2024 02:04

Did he know you had the interview?
Couldn't he do all this bllcks once the interview process was over?!
The selfish weak prat.

Good luck for the interview, really hope you get the job. 🍀