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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend wants space?

118 replies

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 22:52

We have been together 15 months and live together. He (33M) has been stressed at work recently so has started counselling, but our relationship has also been the topic of conversation in these sessions.

He is now saying how much he loves me and how amazing I am but wants time to think clearly so he can work out what his issues are with us? He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low

OP posts:
helgel · 28/09/2024 11:45

That's very specific OP. What's he got lined up for the weekend?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 11:46

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 11:37

Thank you for all the replies, he said he wanted space for the weekend and for me to come back on Tuesday so we could talk. I'm still currently in the house trying to figure out my next move

Op, the relationship is over, he is ending it, and I suspect he's found someone else. I'm sorry this has happened, but the sooner you get out of there, the better.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 28/09/2024 11:56

@sunshinebaby1

wanting you out for the weekend, but back Thursday is a bit weird/specific.

the idiot should have just gone away himself for the weekend if that's all the 'space' he's claiming to want. Tell him that. He doesn't get to destabilise your life like this!

Do YOU really want to be with him now?? Really? Think about it properly, not just knee jerk.

its NOT 'a failure' to end a relationship. Thus is YOUR life, you have to live it! Start learning to ignore what people will think of you, it's not their life!

helgel · 28/09/2024 12:01

Where's he expecting you to go for the next three nights?

HVPRN · 28/09/2024 12:08

Another vote for this is a gentle way/coward way to say he wants to break up. So sorry. Look after yourself. There is someone better out there for you. And call home. As a parent, I would want you home Flowers

MrSeptember · 28/09/2024 13:45

He doesn't get to kick.upu out your shared home o
For the weekend. The fact that it's his house is irrelevant - you live there now, pay bills etc. If he wants physical space for the weekend, HE can go.somewhere
Wanker.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 13:50

MrSeptember · 28/09/2024 13:45

He doesn't get to kick.upu out your shared home o
For the weekend. The fact that it's his house is irrelevant - you live there now, pay bills etc. If he wants physical space for the weekend, HE can go.somewhere
Wanker.

It's not irrelevant that he owns the home. It's very, very relevant. Unfortunately, the op has put herself in this very vulnerable position. If it were a woman saying she wanted her boyfriend out of her home and he wouldn't leave, we would all be advising her to call the police and have him removed.

ChristmasFluff · 28/09/2024 14:51

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:10

So women complain men don't communicate with them and one does 'you have to get rid of him'

Yes when a women has issues on a relationship 'you have to get rid of him'

When a man has issues 'omg how can he do that to you he is an evil bastard'

Well move out and see how you feel then but yes probably not going to work

Men only ever need 'space' when they are done but don't have the bollocks to split up properly. Sometimes they hope their girlfriend will be less upset when they break up if they've already been apart for a while.

More often, they have another woman in the wings and are seeing if it will work out, whilst maintaining a fall-back option.

Women do this so rarely it isn't even worth discussing - but if a woman did this, I'd interpret it the same.

Dump him, OP.

Justice4Friend · 28/09/2024 17:31

This doesn't make sense OP.
He only wants you out this Saturday, Sunday Monday only?
If so, book a hotel then see what happens on Tuesday.
Keep looking elsewhere to move to.
It's very weird that he wants you out for these 3 days.
Is he inviting someone over?
Does he want to see how his house feels without you in it?

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:12

@Justice4Friend I have him on find my friends on iPhone. Always have never a controlling thing. Was mainly so he could see how far away I was from the house when finishing work. (When I was working shifts)
So I think it's to see how the house is without me. I'm staying at a friends now

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:14

@Aquamarine1029 I agree with what you're saying and I have unfortunately put myself in this position. It's very silly and I've learnt my lesson. I'm trying to come up with a plan to exit if it all goes wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:14

@HVPRN my parents have said the same thing, they don't understand why he needs space. They think he's just too scared to tell me.

OP posts:
Ezekiela · 28/09/2024 18:19

"I need some space" means "I don't want to commit to you but I want to keep you dangling on a string in case I change my mind. I want options for me but I don't want you to be able to move on."

Incredibly selfish.

Thursdaygirl · 28/09/2024 18:20

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 11:37

Thank you for all the replies, he said he wanted space for the weekend and for me to come back on Tuesday so we could talk. I'm still currently in the house trying to figure out my next move

Then he can pay for you to stay in a nice hotel til Tuesday.But in the meantime you need to start making plans.I’m also wondering who/what he’s got lined up for the weekend …

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/09/2024 18:21

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:12

@Justice4Friend I have him on find my friends on iPhone. Always have never a controlling thing. Was mainly so he could see how far away I was from the house when finishing work. (When I was working shifts)
So I think it's to see how the house is without me. I'm staying at a friends now

So if he messages to say where he is living is empty and cold without you, you’ll run straight back to him?

I get that at 30 years old your biological clock is ticking like mad but don’t let him be the puppet master in this relationship. I’d be gone now. What would he be like if you married him and had kids, come up with a similar wanting space request then?!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/09/2024 18:23

Ezekiela · 28/09/2024 18:19

"I need some space" means "I don't want to commit to you but I want to keep you dangling on a string in case I change my mind. I want options for me but I don't want you to be able to move on."

Incredibly selfish.

Very selfish and for me, unforgivable. He’s a coward who doesn’t want to be the person ending it. I’d lay money another time person has turned his head too, maybe.

PrincessofWells · 28/09/2024 18:26

RockyRogue1001 · 27/09/2024 23:28

Hope this link works

Very apt
Beautiful South, A Little Time

Great minds . . . 😂

Grendell · 28/09/2024 18:38

Based on your most recent updates - you have got to get out of there ASAP. It's over. He's on to dating the next woman already.

He's a people pleasing nice guy afraid to tell you the truth.

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:51

Grendell · 28/09/2024 18:38

Based on your most recent updates - you have got to get out of there ASAP. It's over. He's on to dating the next woman already.

He's a people pleasing nice guy afraid to tell you the truth.

I don't think he is, he's very very introverted. Doesn't have many friends and doesn't open up a lot. He's not the party boy, he's a bit of a nerd to be honest. I'm not sticking up for him but I'm certain there isn't anyone else. To be honest it would be easier if there was someone else because at least there would be a reason for all of this. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:52

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain yes my biological clock is something I do think about sometimes, but I'm more worried about meeting someone else and this happening again, and again etc

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 28/09/2024 19:03

sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 18:52

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain yes my biological clock is something I do think about sometimes, but I'm more worried about meeting someone else and this happening again, and again etc

I get this. I got married at 32, feeling very much like “spinster of this parish” as I was the last of my friends/colleagues to tie the knot. I found myself stuck in dating hell when they were getting effortlessly paired off at 24 etc etc, Each time a relationship of mine ended/failed to launch, the humiliation and feeling of failure was grim. No one wants to be Bridget Jones.

Catoo · 28/09/2024 19:12

Agree with PP he has had his head turned.
And I think maybe he is spending time with this person this weekend.

I would spend this weekend, Monday and Tuesday (call in sick at work) trying to find a rental and move as soon as you can.

Even if he tells you on Tuesday that he wants to give it another go, still leave. Make him work to date you. It will show you if he’s serious or not and if you’re wasting your time.

If you want marriage and children, don’t move in with him (or any man) until you are engaged, have a date, and jointly own the home.

Take the power back OP
Good luck 💐

Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 19:32

Catoo · 28/09/2024 19:12

Agree with PP he has had his head turned.
And I think maybe he is spending time with this person this weekend.

I would spend this weekend, Monday and Tuesday (call in sick at work) trying to find a rental and move as soon as you can.

Even if he tells you on Tuesday that he wants to give it another go, still leave. Make him work to date you. It will show you if he’s serious or not and if you’re wasting your time.

If you want marriage and children, don’t move in with him (or any man) until you are engaged, have a date, and jointly own the home.

Take the power back OP
Good luck 💐

I dont think he has anyone else because he's very introverted and doesn't even have many friends. He doesn't go out clubbing etc. he's not that kind of guy. But that's more worrying for me. Because it means I'm genuinely the problem. It would be easier if there was someone else. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinebaby1 · 28/09/2024 19:34

Thank you for everyone who's posted trying to give me advice on this messy situation.

My biggest fear is having to move 200 miles back home back to my childhood bedroom which is literally a box room and starting from the beginning. It would feel like I've failed in life

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 28/09/2024 19:36

My biggest fear is having to move 200 miles back home back to my childhood bedroom which is literally a box room and starting from the beginning. It would feel like I've failed in life

Would this be your only option?