Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wants space?

118 replies

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 22:52

We have been together 15 months and live together. He (33M) has been stressed at work recently so has started counselling, but our relationship has also been the topic of conversation in these sessions.

He is now saying how much he loves me and how amazing I am but wants time to think clearly so he can work out what his issues are with us? He doesn't know what is bothering him about our relationship?

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low

OP posts:
Justice4Friend · 29/09/2024 02:06

Don't sell your car as above PP - driving and car is the ultimate freedom.
Forget house share - look for a lodger agreement.

thebestinterest · 29/09/2024 02:51

another one voting to kick him to the curb. Let him figure out his “issues,” uninterrupted.

CJsGoldfish · 29/09/2024 03:02

OP, you need to stop being a spectator in your own life. You can be passive and hope that you wear him down with guilt because he feels bad that you have nowhere to go or you can be decisive and take charge of your own narrative.

If he wants space, give him space. Take him at his word and move out of his house. Whatever that looks like. As a lodger somewhere, a short time on someones couch, a sharehouse. Go for your job interview and smash it and move forward and do what you have to do to move onwards and upwards.

Stop thinking about where you SHOULD be for now because you're not there, but whose calendar says that's where you are supposed to be? Thinking like that will probably mean you'll 'settle' in case you 'miss out'.

Sounds like he's either afraid of the drama/repercussions of ending it whilst you are living in the house or he has someone in the wings and wants to give that a go. You insist that there can be noone else, and that may well be true, but he may have someone he is wanting to approach. If it doesn't work out or isn't what he thinks it is, he'll be ready to end the break and recommit. Either way, do you want to be what he is 'settling' for? If he is introverted and socially a little awkward, he might just decide it's best to stay together.

This is where YOU need to be the stronger person, not the passive one. Let him have his 'space'. I'd have no problem asking for some $$ to help you find something temporary. Be strong, independant and don't rely on someone else until you ARE these things.
Btw, I'm aware of and cringing at my use of clichés but, as trite as they sound, you really do need to be the author of your own story 🤷‍♀️

Guavafish1 · 29/09/2024 03:20

You could consider being lodger … rent can be cheaper or you might be entitled to some housing support or benefits

I think you need to let him go …. I would has him fit some finical help with the move…

daisychain01 · 29/09/2024 03:38

sunshinebaby1 · 27/09/2024 23:04

Should I give him the space he needs?

Tedious and predictable.

needing "space" normally equates to him having his head turned by someone at work or being on a dating app, and wanting to try things out before giving you the Big E.

So it would be "off you jog... and don't come back".

if he was really serious about your relationship, he'd take the trouble to talk about what's troubling him and man up about it not give lame excuses that make zero sense whatsoever.

daisychain01 · 29/09/2024 03:47

CheekyHobson · 29/09/2024 01:52

He’s gaslighting you and that’s really unfair of him. A person suffering from anxiety doesn’t dump a good relationship with a person he loves. They seek medical or psychological help and lean on the support of their partner.

His anxiety is most likely related to the fact that he’s hiding a secret relationship from you.

100% this.

sorry, @sunshinebaby1 but what he is saying to you just doesn't make sense.

having read your updates and your difficult housing situation, I'd focus all your energy over the next few weeks on finding yourself somewhere safe to live. Hopefully your job search will give you some extra income.

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 05:02

Guavafish1 · 29/09/2024 03:20

You could consider being lodger … rent can be cheaper or you might be entitled to some housing support or benefits

I think you need to let him go …. I would has him fit some finical help with the move…

I've looked at being at lodger on spare room and it's still unaffordable. Rooms are coming up at £600/£700 to be a lodger in my area.

This whole thing is so crap 😢

OP posts:
sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 05:05

@CJsGoldfish thank you. You have given some very good advice. Everyone on this forum has said "leave" but it's so hard when feelings are involved. Also knowing if I DO leave I potentially will have to move 200 miles back home and restart my job search. My heart actually aches.

OP posts:
sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 05:08

Justice4Friend · 29/09/2024 02:04

Did he know you had the interview?
Couldn't he do all this bllcks once the interview process was over?!
The selfish weak prat.

Good luck for the interview, really hope you get the job. 🍀

He did know I had the interview when he asked for space yes Sad but weirdly still told me to go

OP posts:
MissSkegness1951 · 29/09/2024 05:15

'Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling super low about the whole thing and worried he might break up with me. He is also feeling extremely low'

Translation -

He's met someone else but is being cagey about telling you so hopes by playing the mental health card the relationship with you will fade out.

honeypancake · 29/09/2024 07:17

Why wouldn't HE leave for a few days if he needs space and time to think?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 29/09/2024 07:44

Nothing you have posted about him makes him sound like a good marriage prospect anyway.

he is a coward.

Thursdaygirl · 29/09/2024 08:47

People who want to be together just make sure that they can be. They don’t ask for space and jerk their partner around. I wouldn’t be going back on Tuesday as per his request. you’re not a puppet on a string.

This.

Would you be able to claim any sort of benefits towards accommodation?

sunshinebaby1 · 29/09/2024 09:02

honeypancake · 29/09/2024 07:17

Why wouldn't HE leave for a few days if he needs space and time to think?

He said he wants to be in the home environment to see how he feels. He also himself doesn't have anywhere else to go. Which is why I truly believe he doesn't have anyone else. Because if he did he would have gone there.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 29/09/2024 09:20

So you only earn £1600 and you pay £400 for a car (big mistake)

Can I ask what you are paying him each month?

Have you considered he thinks you are taking advantage of him?

Room shares are about £500 month and that looks like your only option

you clearly cannot afford to pay £400 a month for a car!

Be honest you have been paying him next to nothing?!

AgentJohnson · 29/09/2024 09:34

You moved in during the honeymoon period. There’s a big difference between spending a lot of time in somebody else’s space and being a permanent fixture. Given what you have said about your bf ‘s personality, he probably regrets you moving in and not having the physical and mental space he did before, he probably just doesn’t want to admit it to you because he will be seen to be the bad guy.

I’m sorry it has come to this but you really have put yourself in a very vulnerable position, a car costing a quarter of your monthly income is madness. Don’t let his ‘want for space’ paralyse you, you need to have a plan for the inevitable. Moving back to your parent’s doesn’t have to be forever, it could give yourself time to build up your savings so that you are financially in a better place when you do move out. Being able to move back to your parent’s is a luxury that shouldn’t be scoffed at.

yipyipyipp · 29/09/2024 10:54

Give him permanent space. It's likely he's got the hots for someone else but is testing the waters and keeping you in case it goes wrong. Move out asap and tell him it's over. Don't put up with his lukewarm wishy washy crap

Fastback · 29/09/2024 12:30

Is the interview for a better paid role? £22k per annum is low. What progression do you have in your career?

He’s ended it without ending it. Something is behind this, likely another woman but you never know.

You need to scale your expenses right back, don’t move home but see if you can find a room in a house share. It’ll be grim for a while but once you’re out, you can focus on career progression and building things up again until you can afford to either rent alone or save a deposit.

Don’t focus on men amd babies for the moment, it will stall any progression you will make. You need to build something for yourself.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread