My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

He doesn't believe he has a problem so why would he get help?

That is the point you seem to be oblivious to while accusing people of throwing out their cancer patient partners. You expect the OP to prioritize this man while ignoring the very real, urgent needs of her kids to live in a clean, safe and peaceful home.

Don't bother squawking back to me about cancer sufferers either, I have lost three siblings to cancer in the past four years, and your tone is just offensive.

Honestly it’s beyond me.

Sadly, this is the nub of the issue. Maybe you'll get there one day but not before he ruins much of yours and your children's lives.

If he's taking it out of a skip, he needs to think before bringing it home:

1. do I already have one of these things that I have said that I'll fix up and haven't?
2. Do I really need to bring this home just because I've seen it and it's in someone else's skip?

If the answer to either of these is YES, then he leaves it in the skip and moves on.

Also, dumpster diving is not allowed going forwards.

She's been doing the wrong things. Ultimatums and shaming never work when someone has an issue. From drug abuse to gambling these are sure fire ways to fail.

@Zahariel you can’t force someone to seek help if they don’t see they have a problem. Surely you know this? Alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, hoarders - they have to first acknowledge they have a problem, and secondly they have to want to get better. If they don’t think they have a problem, they won’t seek help. People can only have treatment imposed on them if they have very specific psychiatric symptoms, and are deemed to be a risk to themselves or others. Hoarding is not in this category. Trust me, you can’t help hoarders if they don’t want to be helped. So tell me, how would you get around that?

Actually may I ask @Zahariel - exactly what is your experience with hoarding and the MH issues that cause it please?

Then he has to go.

I think he actually has to lose you and no longer live with his child in order to understand that if he doesn't address his mental health problem he will ruin his life.

I can’t get him help because he bloody loves stuff. I think it’s just we aren’t compatible. I can’t make him stop what he absolutely loves. I can and have just sent him a msg to say that I’m out. I’ve had enough either he addresses the issue or there is nothing else we can do because I’m not living like this.

Everyone here is cold and callous and frankly awful. Clearly they would chuck their partner with cancer under the bus given half the chance. You don't have to. Get him help, he is crying out for it.

Stop being so ridiculous. Just because people are saying that he should move out does not mean they would chuck someone with cancer under the bus. I think you are just deliberately winding people up with these nonsense posts. There's a massive difference between someone with cancer and some equipment for treatment taking up space and someone who is filling the house with a massive horde which is making the place unliveable.

He needs to move out with his stuff asap and seek help. OP can remain in the relationship with him and support him but also ensure the children have a safe, tidy and clean home to grow up in.

I would always prioritise supporting my life partner in an evidence based way. So far the OP has tried shaming and ultimatums, which never work.

Does he have adhd? I have ocd and adhd - and we thought I had ocd hoarding but when I was diagnosed with adhd we realised I had adhd hoarding….they are quite different and worth googling. With adhd hoarding yes I brought stuff into the house - but I struggled with how to process it and sort things out plus the motivation to do so.
Please ask him this question - choose a small area like a desk / draw and ask him to tell you the steps he would go through to sort it. I had to consciously learn how to visualise the steps in my mind and I am much better. I remembered the day I realised sometimes I had to sort another storage area first to make space to sort the first area - it was a revelation which I realise sounds crazy as I have a degree and post grad degree. My exec functions are just poor.

So what does work? Because you seemed to suggest earlier in the thread that you are a hoarder. Have you sorted the problem out or are you living the way the OP's partner does?

You’ve said up thread that you’re a hoarder. You’ve also accused other posters of lacking empathy.

In this thread you have been empathising with and defending the hoarder whilst simultaneously failing to show any insight, understanding, empathy or interest in the impact that is having on the OP, and also energetically trying to shame any poster who advises the OP to put herself first.

I understand how difficult it is being a hoarder - it’s not a good thing to have to face up to, and the negative impact it has on the people you love is the thing that you remain in denial about the longest. So I can appreciate why you are displaying such strength of feeling in this thread.

However. I’m not sure you realise it, but your contributions to the thread are demonstrating what the OP is up against in dealing with a hoarder, and why the OP needs to move him out.

Ive got enough on my plate. My 8 year old is going through an ASD diagnosis and I’ve a 2 year old. I don’t have the mental energy to fix him also anymore.

You're not listening. He thinks he loves the stuff, because it brings him security and comfort. He does that because he has a mental health condition.

You tried shaming and ultimatums, they never work. Not with this, not with gambling, not with drug abuse.

He needs proper mental health support, you can open that door for him and get him that help.

You're not being asked to fix anybody. But presumably you went into this relationship with the intention of helping and supporting each other though good times and bad.

Open the door for him, GP, therapy, support groups

Unfortunately, a true hoarder will always care more about his Stuff than about the people in his life.

So you would prioritise your partner over your kids? As that is what you are expecting the OP to do.

i think you have done the right thing here. When you sai he giggled in bed when you confronted him i think you done well not to kick him out there and then. I would have been furious.

It's not just the hoarding - he's spending family money on this stuff - i see some of it is free but as you say its a total waste of money.

Literally not what I am saying.

What part of he is unwilling are you struggling to understand?

What does he do for a living? is it stuff he needs for work, my house, garage, loft, shed are stacked full of stuff I actually need in order to do my job, if I start throwing stuff out it gets pretty costly - without it we would have no income, least not from my side.
If he's self employed, then maybe some of it at least is work related.

How? Who’s going to persuade him he has a problem when he doesn’t have a problem. Who is going to give me the strength to deal with him as well as my ASD daughter and a 2 year old. I simply don’t have enough of me for him.

I am not any kind of an expert in hoarding but I guess it feels like an active addiction.

Unless he wants to change - and clearly he doesn't - it's just going to keep going in one direction.

My gut feeling is that it would be best for you and your children if he moves back into his own house and takes all his stuff with him.

If he's a lovely man and dad you can continue to have a relationship, he just can't live in your house/ bring stuff into it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It must be so, so hard. Put your kids and yourself first,

He needs proper mental health support, you can open that door for him and get him that help.

Oh please.

She needs to open the door & shove him & his shit out of it.

He's an adult & needs to get his own help if he wants to.