My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

If you're the problem then why hasn't he moved back into his own house?

OP he's not going to change unless he seeks help, as plenty of other people have said, it's a serious mental illness. He can't just stop, doesn't work like that. He needs to address the underlying issues which made him start in the first place.

Watch a bit of Hoarders if you want a view into your further future.

Women aren't here to fix men.

If this is the same poster from
previous writings she was advised never to have him in her home.

Hoarding is a serious mental illness which is also extremely difficult to treat successfully because it’s deeply rooted in their psyche and past experience.

OP has already given over the shed and loft to him; he will hoard in her entire house ultimately and the kids will notice. They notice already. They will feel both embarrassed and ashamed.

His hoard is the priority, not the OP here and her kids. They are the collateral damage.

Things will get worse and the more stuff he hoards, the harder it will be to keep the house clean and hygienic. As your kids get older, they will be too embarassed to invite their friends round, or their friends' parents will refuse to let them come over to your house as they will think that it is unsafe.

It does sound like he's a hoarder, and it sounds like you've had enough OP. I'm another who has had close experience of the harm it can cause, in this case my mothers neighbour died in the fire he caused by his smoking and hoarding. The whole block of 80 year old had tk be evacuated for weeks. It affected Mums health. You sound ready to confront him but also a bit isolated OP. Time for that ultimatum, but with friend or family member present and supporting you. Good luck!

I remember you posting about him before he even moved in and then possibly again after he'd been there a short time. You were advised then not to let him move in and then to move him back out again with all of his stuff.

He has a serious mental illness. Yes, you are his partner and should support him as much as you can but when it gets to the point that you and your children are suffering because of his illness then he should move back out and seek treatment for his hoarding, with your support.
Children should not be living in a hoarder's house. There is no space for them and their own things. Hoarded stuff eventually becomes a health hazard because you can't clean around it properly. It just get worse and worse. If you get a skip and tip all of this stuff it will be back in no time at all because he cannot stop hoarding.

I know you say he is a great father and you love him but you cannot allow your children to grow up living like this. He should move out. Any remaining stuff gets tipped. You continue the relationship with him living in the rented flat. He spends time with you and the children. He seeks help for the hoarding and mental health issues.

It sounds like you need to enlist the help Nick Knowles or Stacey Solomon!

this sounds really hard OP. I hope you’re able to find some good advice on this thread

@Zahariel I’m starting to think you’re being deliberately obtuse. OK, so you love your partner so much you’d stay with them whatever happened. How about they never throw away a wrapper. Ever. Literally never. They keep every newspaper they’ve ever read. Every jar, tin, box that ever came into the house. These things are put in boxes and piled up. The boxes fill the spare bedroom, the attic, the garage. Then they overspill into the living room, so you can’t use it any more. As you come through the front door, you have to step over enormous piles of old clothes, random pieces of metal, plastic, more piles of papers. The kitchen then fills so you can’t cook. You have to live on takeaways, and you can’t throw any of the packaging away. And you can’t get to the sink so you can’t wash any of it up. So the house starts to stink.

You repeatedly talk to your partner, try and help, say you want to support them. But your partner doesn’t know what you’re talking about, because in their eyes there isn’t a problem. They actually don’t understand what you’re talking about. Because to them, the empty pizza boxes are precious. You beg and plead, and occasionally you go crazy and throw stuff out. But they dig it out of the bin and bring it back in. You try and get them to seek help, but they refuse, because they don’t have a problem as far as they’re concerned.

And you would happily live like this, would you? Because you love your partner?

I remember your previous posts. I’m sorry to hear that he hasn’t improved - I remember when he moved in he was starting to clear some of his things and you were hopeful that he was making a fresh start.

Has her ever been to his GP? Seen a therapist? I can’t see any mention of this. He has a serious mental health condition and it will never go away without professional help. In fact it will never be “cured” but it can be managed/improved with professional help.

I think it’s ultimatum time. I’m not keen on ultimatums usually, but in this instance you need to do it to protect your children.

• He and all his stuff move back to his own flat.
• He seeks help from the GP and a therapist
• You can stay in a relationship and he can continue being a great Dad, coming to your house every day - but he sleeps and all his stuff stays at his own flat.

If he is not willing to do the above and get help, then you will be ending the relationship. You and the children no longer agree to have your lives negatively affected by his compulsion.

I would get them help
I would not put up with the behaviour.

@Zahariel I'm glad you weren't around advising me when I wasted years of my life on a gambling addict. I met up with him recently; now superficially doing well with a high-flying job, house and fiancee, who thinks he's given up smoking and betting. Only she doesn't know the engagement ring was paid for with a 5 figure accumulator win. Because he's just found more creative ways to hide the gambling.

You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.

I did and so did my mum who told him to his face he is being totally selfish but he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. Honestly it’s beyond me.

But you can show them the door, the route, the pathway to help and if you love them you can support them and encourage them when they step in the right direction.

He needs mental health support and help. The ways he is behaving are not normal. Laughing, squealing - he needs actual help - not family members trying to shame him

How do you get someone help that doesn’t think they’ve a problem and won’t accept it. Exactly what are you suggesting?

You can't be expected to live like this - it's totally incompatible and not normal. He's got a problem, if he won't admit it or get help then you are perfectly entitled to want to live separately.

But that’s like saying if your partner has a drug addiction or gambling addiction then everyone, kids and all, need to go down with him.

Of course it’s right to look after the partner but NOT to the cost of the kids. They cannot look after themselves but the partner could.

No 0ne disputes he needs help or he’s unwell. What’s being disputed is you feel it’s the ops job to fix him and get that help , but you so far have failed to explain how she can do that when he won’t engage

it’s like posting if you want to go on holiday flap your wings and fly. Explain how

What if they don't recognise/admit that they have a mental health condition? The OPs partner doesn't want to change. He thinks that filling the house with stuff that he has found in skips is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. He is prioritising his 'stuff' over his partner and children.

It is reasonable for the OP to separate from him to protect her children.

How long should she keep trying for? It's been more than two years already.

When someone doesn't recognize their problem or refuses help, the situation becomes more complicated. Here are some concrete steps to navigate this situation effectively:

1. Educate Yourself on Hoarding

• Before taking any action, learn about hoarding as a mental health disorder. This understanding will help you approach the conversation with empathy and provide facts rather than personal judgment.

2. Highlight the Impact, Not the Problem

• Instead of directly confronting the hoarding behavior, discuss its consequences on your shared life. Avoid saying "You have a problem," and focus on the effect it has on daily living.
  • Example: "I've noticed we can't use certain rooms or spaces, and it's causing us both stress. I want to work on this together."

3. Use "I" Statements to Express Concern

• To avoid defensive reactions, talk about your own feelings and experiences, rather than accusing or diagnosing.
  • Example: "I feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff in our space. It’s affecting my well-being, and I’m struggling to find ways to make our home comfortable for both of us."

4. Find a Compassionate Mental Health Professional

• If your partner is willing, try scheduling a session with a mental health professional who has experience in hoarding and family dynamics. Even if they are not open to hoarding-specific therapy, a general therapist can start a conversation about the issues and its broader impact on mental health.

5. Present Options, Not Ultimatums

• Instead of forcing a solution, offer to explore different types of support together:
  • Suggest a meeting with a GP or primary care doctor to talk about general mental health, which might be more palatable than talking specifically about hoarding.
  • Explore online or local support groups together as a less intimidating step.

6. Encourage a Small Change First

• Suggest starting with one small area for decluttering that feels manageable. This can help demonstrate how change is possible without being overwhelming.
  • Example: "Would you be okay with us working on just one drawer together? It might make things easier to find.”

7. Seek Professional Help for Yourself

• Engage with a therapist or support group for those living with someone who hoards. They can give you strategies for self-care and ways to communicate effectively without creating conflict.

8. Safety First: Know When to Intervene Directly

• If the hoarding poses a safety risk (e.g., fire hazards, health risks), you may need to involve local authorities or community services. This is a last resort and should be done with sensitivity.

It’s important to recognize that change may not happen quickly, and it may be a long process before your partner acknowledges their hoarding as an issue. Starting with empathy, gentle encouragement, and focusing on the impact rather than labeling their behavior is key.

@Zahariel the man in question doesn't WANT help. He doesn't think he needs it, and he won't accept it. How do you advise getting him to a GP?! A CBT session?! Kidnap!?!

My mum is a hoarder , it took six months to clear her attic ! Please believe me when I say if the hoarder doesn’t want to change , they won’t . We have found magazines still in plastic wrapping boxes and boxes of unopened photos, all sorts of rubbish.