My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

OP I don’t think you need to end the relationship, especially as you love him and he’s a good Dad. But you can’t live together. He needs to go back to his own house, fill it with his crap, and visit you and the kids. He can stay every night, all day every day, keep clothes and toiletries at your house - but his junk goes to his house, never yours. That would be my suggestion.

No. When people get the right help - they can be cured of these negative behaviours, ones they want to get rid of as well given a chance.

You are being cruel to the OP by continuing to shame her for her very reasonable desire to provide a safe home for herself and her children.

He doesn't want help. He cannot be forced to get help. He's not interested in your Chat-Gpt level ideas about how to address hoarding. You know nothing about this extremely intractable condition and you should leave the OP alone.

OP you don’t have an adult relationship at all with this person. You cannot - his mental health issue has crippled that possibility. The ‘but he’s a great dad’ trope is deployed in much the same way as it’s seen on posts about useless, selfish, or abusive men. He isn’t at all a good dad - everything you’ve written sets out the ways in which he is systematically ruining your children’s home and security, failing to be a reliable partner and preventing you from being the best parent you can be by destroying your peace of mind. ‘He’s a good dad’ here means what it means on those kind of threads - he likes the children being around, will play and be happy with them, does not actively abuse them. But no he is not a good parent in any sense. Here, it is the fact that he is mentally ill which prevents that, rather than cruelty or selfishness or anger. But the outcome is the similar - he will make your children suffer and you will regret allowing him to turn their home and childhoods into a horror show.

You know this and you have already separated yourself from the idea of him as a proper adult partner and parent. For example, using the word ‘squeal’ more than once when describing his responses. That’s not normal. What you see in front of you isn’t an adult man you’re in a relationship with is it? No, it’s a strange thing you are having to manage at the expense of your sanity and the attention your children need. A ‘wriggling, giggling, squealing’ Thing that’s got in to your home and is wreaking havoc.

He needs to go and live elsewhere. It’s very hard to cure hoarding, but I honestly think it may not matter if he does manage to achieve some cure, I think the relationship has already died and you would be better off looking to a normal future with him in a different location.

You keep posting the same thing over and over, which is making me suspect you too have a problem. ?

You’ve done the right thing OP.

He won’t change.

You and your children deserve to live in a decent home.

Don’t let anyone on here scold, browbeat, shame, or guilt trip you about this.

Zahariel posted upthread that he/she is a hoarder, so I suspect she/he is being defensive of themselves as a hoarder rather than wanting to advise the OP.

I literally do have a hording problem. One kept in check nowadays through good strong support, my own partner and a therapist.

I'm not being defensive at all, it's fucking shite. But people with mental health problems need mental health support not chucking under the bus.

@BMW6 ah. I would assume an ex hoarder due to her awareness she is one - she obviously would've sought the help she is advising and now live in a beautifully clear home.
Funnily enough, I'm not sure HAVING a condition makes you an expert on it.

Yeah, I had not read enough before saying that. How did op get pregnant again with him. Very tough situation!

Have you managed to cure yourself of this negative behaviour?

Don't most people want to be able to live with their partner and have a normal life though?

Have you neurodivergent children also that need their parents 100% of the time. I don’t have the time to manage his problem on a daily basis. If I did maybe I could.

I would give a deadline like other posters have said and I’d tell him there’ll be a skip on ‘X’ date (have it booked) and anything not gone before then to his place will be thrown in skip. Assuming he’ll have to ask tenants to leave if needs the house for his stuff, but then that leaves your house free for more stuff so you’d really have to forbid anything useless coming over the threshold or ask him to move bank to his place. On top of this keep on throwing stuff away daily until skip arrives . You need to tell him that it’s selfish if he’s downright money on some of this stuff as it’s money he could save for the kids. Ask him to hoard money instead.
My husband isn’t a huge hoarder like you describe but being a builder it can get a bit busy, full shed, side of house , his van but I’m v v strict or I think he’d be the same way. When I say I’ll throw it if it’s not re homed or used for whatever purpose he knows I mean it.
He’d leave jumpers on chairs etc if I didn’t keep on top of things being put away and as I tell him - I want to eat in a kitchen not in a wardrobe and I don’t want a wardrobe of clothes downstairs by end of the week , same as I don’t a building yard or rubbish tip in our garden. Can’t walk into the shed at the mo so another sure out is due before weather gets too cold.

Everytime you let it slide for a few weeks it gives him the ok that you’ll just put up with it.

It's not possible to 'get help' for someone who does not consider themselves to have a problem.

After having a 'relationship' with a hoarder I'd say move him out TBH.

My ex admitted his hoard was more important to him than our baby. he lived in a hoarded flat which we were never allowed to go to, lots of promises of moving in together but it all unravelled as the truth was he only wanted to move in with me when he was evicted from his old place (eviction was due to selling of the house by the landlord not his hording) and he turned up day after day with car loads of awful stuff when I had a newborn. Lots of abusive behaviour when I told him to stop bringing the stuff over and a suicide attempt preceded by threats, he wanted to die in the flat surrounded by the precious stuff rather than lose it.

He's ended up in a shared house with a small portion of his stuff, 1 hoarded room and secret hordes in the outbuildings. He has not recovered from the loss of the house/stuff a year on, had a total breakdown and seeing a psychiatrist.
I realised that he was a deeply selfish damaged man who didn't care about us, the stuff was king as were his delusions.

But you recognise that you have a hoarding problem. The OP's partner does not. The OP can signpost and open all the doors she wants, but if he doesn't want to go through them to get help, it's pointless. She is at the end of her tether and in rightfully concerned about the impact on her children. He is only concerned about himself and his 'stuff'. Please stop blaming and shaming the OP.

@Zahariel
I think I would do anything at all for my life partner, because I love them and I want our lives together to be good. I support them and help them though mental health issues, through physical health issues, with their relationships, their child and their job.

Pity he doesn't feel the same about his partner.

She can't help him. He needs professional help. Her hands are full with almost 3 children.

Just to add by the way I have a form of ptsd from an abusive marriage and it’s my problem , I dealt with it via therapy. I don’t bring this to my partner, he doesn’t manage me that’s my responsibility. I think it’s wrong to make his mental health issues my problem to deal with. I’m very accepting but this is beyond that now.

He can get mental health support with help from the OP and live in his flat with his stuff while he receives treatment.
If he continues to live in the family home and fill it with junk, the children will also develop mental health problems and that should not be allowed to happen.

My friend's husband was the same. In the end not only every room including under the children's beds but also stacked on the stairs and in the toilets and bathrooms. Literally everywhere. Most of it was rubbish he even kept a bucket with holes in it! They are divorced

Did you seek support from a therapist because you yourself wanted to address your hoarding ?. Therapy is more successful overall when the person themselves is willing to address the issues; familial intervention never works out.

It was never the OPs job to rescue and or save/fix this man and I hope she can reflect on her part in bringing this man into her home. It was never going to end happily for anyone .

Then you, more than anyone, should recognise that all you're doing is shaming and bullying the op. It's genuinely disgraceful. You are pushing her to keep enabling him at the expense of her own mental well-being and that of her children's.

You wanted to get help. The op's partner doesn't. He is ruining their lives, and your bleating on and copy-paste "treatment plan" is pointless.