My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Given my experience of this, do not encourage him to rent storage units as that becomes addictive to them also.

My nephew spends a mint each month on storing stuff he will never use. He has access to it all 24/7 and sometimes sits and looks at it or goes through it but he never uses any of it or gets rid of any of it and the money is just going down the drain.

Each freshly rented unit becomes a space they can fill.

I’ve given him the shed and the garage and the loft. But it’s not enough. I’ve given and given and he comes in laughing and squealing over free things from skips despite seeing me sell my own things for space.

I previously had some issues with hoarding and regard myself as nearly ‘converted’, but I do have to watch myself for this coming back.
It all stemmed from my childhood home being sold fairly suddenly (as a late teen) and having to cart all sorts of possessions around with me from that day forward. Add in a parent’s terminal illness a few years later and it made it tricky to part with things…I had boxes that I could not look in because it was simply too difficult emotionally.

Eventually, just before my wedding, I got in a professional declutterer to help me open up the boxes (my flatmates thought that I had lost the plot!) and that started the process. I have since made it my business to sort through the remaining items every few years. I’m now down to a single small box and a drawer of memorabilia.

I do still have some tendencies to ignore post and keep papers in piles, but I don’t think it’s much worse than anyone else. I also find that if I buy things online (especially brand new items), I often completely lose interest in the package once it arrives, unless I open it immediately. Thank goodness I don’t really like shopping otherwise I would probably be swamped by Amazon parcels!

The OP’s partner sounds far more seriously affected but I wanted to give hope that some degree of improvement is possible.

The baby is 2 now! And in those years more and more have come in and very little has gone out.

The op cannot sacrifice her children's well-being for a man who refuses to even acknowledge he has a problem, nevermind the fact that he refuses to get help. You're talking bollocks. You clearly have absolutely no idea what hoarding does to everyone stuck living in it.

I'm 100% behind the suggestion that @Soontobe60 has given - particularly the bit about booking a skip.

If the weather is dry, use the back garden and be ruthless - one pile for keeping, one for donating to charity, one for recycling and then the skip for everything else. Take it a bit at a time. If it goes out into the garden for this process, the only way it's coming back in is if it really really must (and that's the pile for keeping). Up to 50% of what you're bringing back into the house is based on at least the other 50% going to one of the other piles.

Tell him this is a deal breaker. If he wants to keep it he puts it into a storage facility and when he has to pay to store it, month after month, he won't be so eager to keep stuff (I'm hoping).

So you think the OP should do anything for her partner but her partner can't address his hoarding problem for her?

He doesn't need more space. He needs proper support and access to mental health services to help him with the unresolved drama and mental health issues he has. They are serious, they are real and they are affecting many peoples lives, especially yours but also - his.

He is not actually happy, this is masking, he is trying to fill a void with things, to get security, and things will never actually fill that void.

It is a chronic, recognised, mental health symptom, of a real issue that needs addressing.

You cannot address it with things or more space or more cupboards. It's like an over eater who cannot ever feel full.

He needs help. You are best placed to start getting him that help.

The issue is @Zahariel that it is not just OP who has to live with this crap. Her children are in the middle of this too.

thats truly pathetic. He needs help, he cannot just "man up" and change. Free will is not what you think it is and we all have one hell of a lot less of it than you think.

No. that's not the issue.

that is a symptom.

The actual issue is OPs partners mental health issues, which need addressing. With the help of his life partner presumably?

Stop selling your own things.

Does he still have his own house?

Seems the best thing would be for him and his stuff to return there.

Do you have anyone who can back you up? Active parents, siblings, friends?

His problem is acute and is going to affect your and your child's quality of life.

If he won't address it with help available, your first duty is to your child.

He says 'I love my things'. They come before you both, as with any addict. They're his primary relationship.

Do you want this for you and child?

“You are best placed to start getting him that help.“

Don’t put that guilt trip on the OP.

She’s pregnant with a toddler. She’s got more than enough on her plate already.

He needs to move out and sort out his hoarding condition.

OP deserves a pleasant and comfortable home.

This is a problem that’s nigh on impossible to fix. Getting a skip is pointless, he will just get more stuff. Mental illness isn’t cured by getting a skip. It just gives you a little time to reach capacity again.

you need to go for the shock treatment, tell him he needs to move out, serve notice on his tenants in line with the contract. He likely needs to do that anyway before the renters reform bill comes in. It’s not fair on the kids to make them live like this. And I certainly couldn’t do it.

however you bear a responsibility. You knew he was mentally unwell and moved him in anyway.

@Zahariel

What part of he needs to get the help and he has to be willing to engage with it do you not grasp? The op is powerless to do anything unless he agrees to it. It's just like any other addiction. The addict has to be the one to make the changes.

All your efforts in trying to understand him, communicate with him, support him, accommodate him, manage the sheer volume of his stuff, are all you entering his world, normalising it, and allowing it to become an everyday part of your and your kids lives. I'd stop that right now. You've tried, and it doesn't work.

Make the decision, end the relationship, and move him and all of his stuff out of your home and far away from your children. Do it now.

Taking on his illness as your problem to fix is you becoming part of his pathology.

Only he can acknowledge that he has a problem, and seek treatment, and even if he ever does, it will still be a long process, and one he can manage more effectively from his own space.

Bloody hell.
DP started doing this in your house?
Baffling.

My 74 yo husband has been collecting expensive machinery and industrial tools of all shapes and sizes, although in his own house, garage and shed.
One day it's all gonna have to be sorted, fortunately I don't have children and can make some difficult decisions.
Big sympathies.
❤️

Thats not a guilt trip it's just TRUE - OP is 100% best placed to start her partner getting this help

What the hell happened? Do we all just hang our partners out to dry as soon as they need anything?

Hope to hell they don't all do it to you all!!

Because he has a mental illness which makes him behave this way.

You can not change that by ultimatums or threats. You can only change how you react and what you do going forward.

He is the only one who can change himself

You are just talking out of your arse. It's embarrassing at this point.

Honestly, what would he do if he came back squealing with joy over a free thing from a skip and you just didn't let him or the new thing over the threshold? If you poured cold water on him right away? Tore him a new arsehole and yelled, "HOW can you do this to me? How can you keep bringing this CRAP into my house when you can see me selling my own things because we have no space? HOW can you prioritise your love of all this stupid SHIT over me and the children?"

There is nothing wrong with him, I am the problem because he likes to live like it.

‘In two weeks I’m hiring someone to come in and empty all your things. You can get rid of them yourself by then ( not a chance this will happen), you can move out and take all your stuff and abandon your children and me by then, or you can stay and accept this. Our children deserve bikes and a spot for them to keep the bikes, a place for their toys, at the moment we prioritise you over everyone else in this house and I love you but you’re not the only one who matters. Good parents prioriitse their children. You have 3 choices, I’d like your answer by tomorrow 6pm.

Hoarder here 🖐

Don't let him rent storage space, he'll just fill it then probably rent another, I've been part of countless help groups, read books, done courses etc and never has producing more space helped the situation.

I think if he's refusing to admit its a problem and at least try to improve the situation you're best off asking him to leave; its only going to get worse and while hoarding is a mental health issue, living with all his stuff is going to cause so much stress for you and DC which is totally unfair.

If you do stay with him, you'll need to put some really strict boundaries in place. Asking him to get rid of stuff wont work and will be too overwhelming, be very specific. So for example, say "I need x cupboard cleared out to put x in" but to be honest he'll just move it around or create more space outside, it'll be an ongoing battle that you'll never win until he admits its a problem.

Being a hoarder is really tough, tougher and more complex than a lot of people realise but at the same time if he isn't taking accountability for the impact it's having on his family and at trying to get better its just going to get worse and that's not fair on you.