My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I honesty don’t think it’s anything to do with me, I could be literally anyone. He isn’t intentionally being ignorant or selfish he is just completely differently wired to me. All this stuff makes me so overwhelmed, no clutter makes him overwhelmed. Only I can see how he feels so give him way to much of the benefit of the doubt and he can’t see how I feel so gives me none. I have and autistic mum, I kind of understand she sees everything based on her understanding, and a lot of that understanding isn’t quite “normal”. I think I’m just fed up of accommodating everyone because “they can’t help it”. They feel very much selfish even if it’s not intended. I’m just going off him really.

I wish his Neurodivergence was just out in the open and his parents did something about it instead of not bothering. I feel like it’s shoved away behind closed doors where no one discusses, like his hoarding. Coming from me he is just feeling threatened but it’s so obvious he has something going on.

Yes I think that's a defining factor that separates hoarders form people who just enjoy collecting / keeping too many things.

His brother can’t stop working, 7 days a week sometimes in the middle of the night, he literally can’t stop. He is so awkward on holidays and just needs to be doing something all the time. The partner just doesn’t say anything. I know I wouldn’t be happy with this situation. Being on my own every weekend and evening because he can’t stop. I think something is up with these people and their partners should just shut up and put up. She is much more timid and submissive. I may let it go but I do make a lot of noise about it. They feel quite narc like but without the intent.

Just explain to him you want the relationship to continue and he can visit/stay over but him and stuff need to move back out as it's making you ill.

If he breaks up with you then so be it.

There is a hoarding scale online you can look up which gives a rating of how severe the problem is. cant remember the name, but its relatively easy to find.

https://hoardingdisordersuk.org/clutter-image-ratings/

OP, from your last two threads, it seems you have got the situation weighed up perfectly. It is impossible to live with but when his whole family closes ranks and makes you out to be the problem, it must overwhelm you completely and become a living nightmare.
This is fast destroying you.
I can absolutely get where you are coming from. I can only urge you to act to stop it by using drastic action. It will anger and upset not just him but his whole family so you must be strong in your convictions to ensure the hoarding no longer takes place in your home.
At least he will have choices. He can move back in with his family until his own property becomes free again. Or, he can choose to hire storage space. Or get a skip.
Don’t let him or the thought of his family’s reaction prevent you from having your own choices any longer.
It’s your home and you can arrange the rooms and space how you like. That is your prerogative and only you can uphold it.

did something about it

You can’t "do something about it" if you have Autism 🤨 There isn't an 'Autism medication' unless you're conflating Autism with ADHD and referring specifically to ADHD medication?

So @Rainbow03 - it's all been discussed at length on here..... but what is your actual plan on moving forwards?

Agreed. The thread feels more about (understandably) ranting now; and still trying to make sense of something that is by its nature, totally illogical.

OP. Sounds like you’d benefit from some therapy from someone who can engage properly with you about a lot of your past, and help you see that being alone is better than being with an unsuitable partner and getting caught up in in-law drama. I mean that with kindness, but abusive relationships have clearly clouded your views on what is acceptable and have you hyper focused on irrelevant details rather than the bigger picture and future.

As I said earlier, you need to park your feelings about his family as that is diverting your attention to YOUR situation and the things that YOU have CONTROL over i.e who lives in your house and what things come into your house.

BTW there is autism in my DH's hoarding family and workaholics. Thankfully my DH does not have these traits. As my SIL put it, 'you got the normal one', however,
I would not put up with what she and my MIL puts up with re. The hoarding. I have made it clear to my DH that I really hate what they have done to their living environments and would leave. My DH recognises and agrees with it

Good god, how much more navel gazing are you going to do?
Make a decision that will benefit you and your children and get him out asap

This is really bad.

My brother is this bad and as an indicator of how bad it got, eventually SIL put her foot down so he started to store stuff in the loft.

After a couple of years they had a knock on the door and it was builders engaged by the NDNs as they had a crack in their wall they were worried about.

Bro and SIL live in a mid terrace and the weight of all the stuff (books and magazines mostly) had cracked the party wall!

The builders put their heads up through the loft hatch and nearly had a fit. Bro and SIL had to remove all of it and fast. Bro got a hernia doing it and had to pay to have repairs done to the party wall too.

He STILL has all the stuff. It is floor to ceiling in their spare room and we all wonder when the floor will come down! If he read some of it, it would be something but it all needs to go for paper recycling but would need a skip the size of a bus. Madness!

We have OCD in the family big time. I have it but not to this degree and I actually enjoy chucking stuff out as I would rather have the space where the thing was than the thing.

I can't see any realistic future for this relationship OP. Hypnotherapy ? Awful! It has broken my SILs heart over the years.

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley , I really feel for your sil , my mums loft took six months to clear ! It was so full of junk .

Why are you still with him? This sounds an awful way to live.
You can’t fix this, he needs to move out and take all his hoarded possessions with him. I feel sorry for your children. If you still want a relationship you can live separately.

You really need to gift yourself the power of not giving a toss what his equally awful mother thinks. You have so much insight and luckily, you know you are right to feel this way.

For your own mental health, you have to come up with a plan and stick to it, ignoring what his ghastly family say or do.

Before all of that though, get photographic evidence of it all just in case you have to argue your case in the future for not allowing him overnights with your DC.

All of this shite is a fire hazard. Do you know for sure than none of it has no lithium ion batteries for example?

When I cleared my uncles bungalow, I was shocked at how the whole lot had not gone up and an insurance loss adjuster would have had a field day as fire and accidents were invited in.

As his stash had crept further and further into the room, my uncle was sleeping on a settee in the tiny space he had left for himself. He had electrical access via extension leads except that, once the ceiling high piles of magazines, books and components parts for nameless objects were removed, it became evident that mice or rats had chewed the wires.

There was rat and mouse shit as well as beetles and silverfish literally everywhere. The whole place was a massive health hazard but fire was my biggest fear while I was there trying to get it all cleared to the tip.

Sone of the stuff he had had old leaking batteries in.

The sad thing is that there may well have been genuinely valuable stuff there but the place had to be cleared cleaned and sold ASAP and out it all went.

Take photos. Archive this thread. Do everything you need to to protect you and yours against these people that have zero empathy and think treating others like this is acceptable. Chronic low level stressors like this is terrible for you.

He will need to move out. If the hoarding gets worse you will lose your child/children as social services will deem the home unfit. You put your child before the boyfriend in my view and should expel him from the home with all his things. If you need legal advice on that see a solicitor. it does not matter what his parents think. Keep photos of the hoarded house so if he tries to take the child or there is a dispute over where the child will live you will have the evidence of how he made your house.

I meant back in the day when he was young. It’s so bloody obvious he is ND and the mum. I’ve spotted it in my daughter, the school agrees and we are all doing everything we can to help support her. She shows very little empathy but I’ve been told that once all the support is in place we can help her develop this. Had she just been left like him then I’m sure she would suffer or perhaps make others by having little empathy etc. Even if he parents took interest now and gently encouraged him to get support and came and supported me to help him get support. That’s what I meant by do something about it, he needs to be made aware his thinking is disordered.

@Rainbow03 , I mean this with kindness, my mum is a severe hoarder and possibly autistic. You cannot change the disordered thinking . Family members have tried for years with my mum , she always has an excuse why she needs her stuff .

Yes I understand everything you are all saying and im in complete agreement he can’t stop. It’s just such a difficult decision. I don’t know if you remember from my last thread but I have C.F.S. Which unfortunately has got worse since the traumatic birth of my daughter, c section and blood transfusions.
Ive had to almost stop working and he is paying most of the bills. Although the house is in my name currently and the mortgage is low but still the bills are there on top. I watch him playing and I feel guilty. He is great support to me, and we have loads in common. I worry how I will support myself and on top I worry about his stuff which probably adds to the fatigue. I don’t know which way to turn. If I was well then the decision would be easier.

When people just say oh just leave it’s easy but it really just isn’t. I feel we are both kind of tied in this relationship and im having to force my brain to accept something it just can’t. I can’t be comfortable with his stuff I’m so conflicted all the time and I do feel extremely trapped in my solutions because of this stupid illness.

"It’s just such a difficult decision".
For whom?. Who is more important here to you in the long term; your children or him?.

You're also in a codependent relationship with him and that emotional state is not helping you either.

"He is great support to me, and we have loads in common".

How is he a great support to you when his hoard is increasing daily into your home?. He is increasing your stress and anxiety levels daily. He will also never accept that his thinking is disordered.

What do you both really have in common here, apart from your child by him?.

Hes very giving with his time, will do the food shopping and cleaning and anything really on a bad day of mine or any time really. We go on loads of camping holidays and belong to groups where we all go together. We have similar interests, both outdoors and like visiting places. He’s great with my mum who has m.s, so goes and does Jobs and cuts grass etc. He gets on well with everyone. It’s just the stuff. I know it’s not “just” it’s massive but he really isn’t a terrible guy. He’s brilliant doing jobs, anything you ask for he can make or build. He’s brilliant with the kids. The older is from another relationship. The toddler is his and from day one he’s got up in the night, done more then his fair share with her because of my fatigue. She has a very close bond with him because he does so much. If he was a terrible person it would be easy for me tell him to go.

I wonder if the stress of my illness makes him feel the need to get more stuff because it must be hard for him also. Plus we really have little time to actually sort it (although that’s become an excuse).

He may well be all those things but its the barest of bare minimum really and its also you putting a gloss on things. When was the last time you all went out as a family to places?.

To him The Hoard is his most important thing in life, its not you nor these children who are also caught up in all this dysfunction. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be.

You are having constant rows over his hoard and hoarding behaviour and it is ever daily creeping more into yours and your childrens home. He and his accompanying hoard are making you mentally and physically ill and you will drown mentally and physically in the end under his hoard. Your children are in turn being dragged down. One of the children's rooms in your home cannot be used due to his hoard.

"Plus we really have little time to actually sort it (although that’s become an excuse)".

There is no WE here; this is his hoard and its never been your task to sort it. His hoard will only increase in size and of course he gets angry if you get rid of any of it. He really cannot bear to throw anything away and he actively brings home junk further adding to the hoard.

What is your absolute red line in the sand here re him or does that not exist in your head?.