My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I gaslight myself and it feels like cycles of abuse towards myself. I tell myself I’m over reacting, it’s ok, it’s not too bad and we carry on ok for a while then I loose it and it’s not ok then I go back round again because I have zero control over the hoarding. But really it’s not ok and we need a discussion where I make him extremely aware it’s not ok and ok and I want it gone. Today we have to get my daughters room done as the furniture is coming now.

Agree with PP.

Tell him the spare room crap goes out of the house this weekend. You need it for the DC. I would also start bringing stuff out of the loft. Telling him the new rule is no crap in the house at all. I would actually start physically moving it downstairs and outside if he doesn’t. Maybe arrange for DC to go to friends tomorrow afternoon if you think it will be a scene.

Then decide the date you want the rest done and stick to it. Maybe book house clearance people in for that date as I think it’s unlikely he will move it.

Try to separate emotions and feelings about his family and him choosing ‘stuff’ from the practical steps you can take. It honestly will be better for DC to have a safe and comfortable home and see dad separately than to have this man gradually fill their house and rooms with stuff. They will start to resent him and it will affect all of your MH. It’s affecting you already.

💐

I think, @Rainbow03 , you need to accept, harness and embrace your anger because it is anger that will give you the energy to do what needs to be done.

Himself will do nothing. You have to hire the skip, you have to fill the skip and you have to get it taken away away. And then you will have to do it all over again. And, somehow, you will have to bar him from your property until the job is finished. And then keep him out.

He will fight you like you wouldn’t believe, I think, so anger is going to be your best friend for some time. Sadly.

Rainbow

re your comment:
"Given my past and really I’m just a very accommodating person and I give people lots of benefit of the doubt".

The above is also something you need to work on in therapy sessions because your boundaries here, weakened as they have been by previous abuse and poor life experiences, are being further battered by this man and his ever increasing hoard now. You did indeed go from one abuser to yet another; albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same. His family of origin are unsurprisingly the same too.

You will never be able to have any sort of a reasoned discussion with him end of. The hoard is the most important thing to him. Also your children are seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him and his hoard and how much headspace he is taking up in your life. Do you think he feels any guilt re how he has treated you and your household; no not a bit of it.

Or, more dangerously in my opinion, he ends up hating you!

Hoarding can be treated. It can be 'cured' its not true to say its always hopeless. The vast majority of hoarders will never be cured as they will never face facts but it's not inescapable for every hoarder to recover.

I'd take photos. Sounds insane but take photos of say the kitchen, living room and where he is hoarding and show them to him. He will be blind to it but photos are different.

If nothing else works and he gaslight you. Give him a date by which you will seek outside help. Then do so. Go to the gp. Or if you want a never repairable solution go to socail care on behalf of your kids, but be careful as you will never be able to undo that. If he gets,angry at the suggestion say "but your saying its not a problem right? So what harm can it do? Maybe they will co firm for once this is OK and normal for the kids. I need perspective for my sanity here" he will KNOW at this level it's not OK for his kids. If he doesn't then it's hopless.

If he genuinely can not get rid of anything ever. Like say just one bike out of his ten plus broken bikes then you are fucked anyway. The only person who can help a hoarder is themselves. It's painful but his shit comes before his kids to him. He can't see it yet or maybe never will but its the bottom line.

This is good advice.

That’s utterly classic OP ,if you’ve grown up with an autistic mum it’s understandable why you are repeating patterns where you are endlessly trying to get someone to acknowledge your needs . You have to remember someone with ASD does not view things in the same way you do , it is not a conscious, deliberate way of being, so try and separate what is happening in your head…you won’t make sense of it ,you just have to understand only you can put yourself first. If you have no one in real life to listen ,it’s a good idea to get a counsellor to help you through this process .

@Rainbow03 you need to just bite the bullet and hire and skip!! dump it all in and get it picked up!! so much stuff that your partner wont even notice!! if he does and he moans then skip him too!!

It's all about dominating the space, making sure that he gets what he wants and that means no one else can have what they want, or even a comfortable life.
His horde of rubbish is put above everyone else, everyone else is squeezed to the margins while IT takes pride of place- a heap of junk.
The reason he loves his junk is that it makes no demands on him, it doesn't have feelings that he has to consider.

Why do you maintain he is a good father?. Staying for the supposed sake of the children here is not a good idea at all is it?. How can you justify that decision to yourself; its not "easier" for you either to stay with him.

You've already stated that if it was not for the children he would be gone so do not use them as some sort of glue here to bind you and this man together. He and his accompanying hoard needs to be gone from your home. You've already tried talking to him and have got precisely nowhere also because he does not see he has an issue with hoarding.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still with him?. Your own childhood was chaotic; your kids childhoods are going the same way. Its also not your place to think he is anywhere on an autistic spectrum because you're in no way qualified to make such a pronouncement, not just to say you could well be completely wrong.

What are going to be the primary memories of your kids childhoods?. Where do your children exactly fit in here?. You are not giving them all your emotional headspace precisely because its all being taken up by this man and his hoard; you are currently not fully available to them. He's basically used your home as a further place to put his hoard and it will continue to dominate in your home.

All the adults in your life from childhood onwards have let you down abjectly. That is not on you nor was that any of your doing, you were but a child at the time. No-one ever bothered with you or showed you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know even now. That being said though you cannot allow his hoarding to continue unabated in your home and your relationship with him needs to be at an end. He will never acknowledge your needs.

https://hoardinguk.org/

I think I may have dodged the hoarding bullett with an ex ogf mine

Sounds like the relationship is at an end. You’ve got the ick. Don’t bother with ultimatums, just tell him to get out and take his stuff. If he doesn’t take it, it’s worth getting a skip or three. Just get him and his shit out of your life. Your dc deserve better. His mum can say whatever she likes, she won’t be able to take your 2 year old, her son appears to have serious mental health problems.

Keep the bills for the clearing and take photo's so you can offset the costs against his share of whatever he gets from the divorce

That’s interesting you say they make no demand on him as they have no feelings but he has a huge amount of feelings for them. It is all very confusing. What is the issues about…control? He feels he has control over the a stuff but no control over actual people because he doesn’t understand people. I ask because I have a daughter going through diagnosis and it’s very useful. At the moment she is extremely controlling over other people. She doesn’t understand she can’t control who they play with or who wins a game.

But he does have control over actual people op, he's using his stuff to control people!

We have male hoarders like this in the countryside where I live. Their homes resemble skips in the end. Bits of abandoned, broken wood & things everywhere, many pieces of rusting car parts, and sometimes entire vehicles that have just been left to rust and rot outside.

Is he truly emotionally attached to those things OP? Or can you see him getting rid of those things by either selling them? How would he feel if he knew they were going to a good home, where they'd be really appreciated or used?

I have watched a vast number of hoarding programmes on youtube, not that that makes me an expert, but they are very instructive with psychologists etc. It is not his fault (and obviously not your fault) but I think 90% of them even when they clear it back slide. I think the only solution is going to be if he moves out - into temporary space until his house is no longer rented out and he never brings a single thing ever into your house other than a tooth brush and an over night bag. Until he can arrange his new temporary home he will need to pay for storage of all his stuff but if it is not gone in a week you could perhaps deliver it to his parents' house or leave it outside under a plastic cover.

He can still see you of course as long as he brings nothing into the home again.

You are not married which makes things easier as he should have no claim on your house. He will have rights to see the child you have had together.

He has no legal right to stay in the home as you are not married to him and have not granted him a tenancy or lease. You may need to speak to a solicitor but I would give him very clear deadlines and also email them for moving things out and what is happening with no choices at all eg you need to remove your things within 7 days. if this is not done by 5pm on Friday XYZ then I will move all your possessions the following week and deliver them to an address youu have given me if you give me one and if you do not they will be placed in XYZ place...

@EarthSight , from my own experience of my hoarder mum . If you suggest a good home for something, they will come up with a million reasons why they can’t get rid of it . It is honestly such a frustrating condition to deal with as a family member .

He's only 35?!

To have got this bad this young must point to a seriously disordered past.

And hoarding tends to get worse and worse as they age, so this really is only the beginning.

What you say about his family and how they treat you is so sad.

The giggling, squealing and grinning when you try to explain how it feels on top of it all would seriously alarm me - it sounds like there is some kind of personality disorder in play.

You cannot continue to inflict this man and his disorder on your children.

However nicely he plays with them, that is superficial. It's a choice of temporary activity.

Deep down, he will harm them.

Think ten, twenty, thirty, forty years on.

The children don't have friends round, because they're embarrassed - and their social development suffers.

They don't have the space they need to play, craft, study because their spaces are full of his shit - and their development suffers.

They observe him behaving like this and acting weirdly to you - and their perspective on relationships suffers.

They seldom come home from college or their own homes because he's turned your nice home into a squalid dump.

Dirt, dust, flies, fleas, rats, maggots, rot, spiders, fire risk, risk to floors and ceilings from the weight. These are all very real hoarding hazards.

The inability to find anything you need when you need it.

Later, they don't care to bring their own children or to be around him because of how disturbing they find his behaviour.

They resent you because you did not take action as the person whose role it was to protect them.

He maybe dies before you ... And you have to deal with all of it, probably alone.

Is that the future you want for you and your children?

It sounds horribly harsh. But you have a CHANCE. A chance to save your future relationship with your children and to return to the nice home you once provided for them.

I'd suggest you photograph everything. Every pile, stash, heap, mess, hoard, cramped living space, the wrong things in the wrong place, things in the children's space.

I think thr giggling etc is nerves and shame,. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He just can’t stop himself.

The giggling, squealing and grinning when you try to explain how it feels on top of it all would seriously alarm me - it sounds like there is some kind of personality disorder in play
When she tries to express her feelings about the problem he goes into 'little boy mode' doesnt he. I guess this is some kind of defense mechanism?

He doesn't have control over the stuff though, does he? He's addicted to it. He no more has control over the stuff than an alcoholic has control over vodka.

He wasn’t giggling because of my reaction. He was giggling before I reacted, he was just so incredibly happy at getting such a free item. It doesn’t occur to him that I would be absolutely pissed off. Perhaps I’ve not been firm enough, partials he just doesn’t have a clue. He is very much like a child and it’s becoming more apparent as I age. I’m 40.