My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Yes, it is serious. You have tried over and over to tell him. And he cannot hear it. For whatever reason. But does the reason really matter? Forgive the melodramatic metaphor - but if someone stabbed you, would it matter why they did it? It may help you forgive them/move on with your life. But the fact is something unacceptable happened to you. You have set limits with him. He has not been able to hear them. As I said, it is possible he is neurodiverse in which case, he may be literally incapable of understanding how this affects you. The giggle is not uncommon when people like this are put on the spot. It is not necessarily that they think its funny, more that they are anxious.

Mind has good info here

What is hoarding? - Mind

Have you contacted Women's aid Op?
You are being controlled, manipulated and abused by him and his family.

I feel very sorry forvyou OP, but you need to harden up fast.
He has to go and his crap too.

Forget about him and focus on your children.
You will NEVER fix him, his fxxked up family, and background.
Save yourself and children.

You need to prioritise your children over him and tell him to take his stuff and leave.
You have a choice, live like this or not.
Your children have no choice. They are stuck with the home you provide so you owe it to them to provide the best one possible.
Ask yourself if you are doing that right now.

@Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear I feel this in all arguments or discussions we have. His point of view is the only one and it’s right. He won’t adapt any of his thinking for anyone even when wrong. His mum is the same. It’s her way or you are plain faulty because there is only one way…hers and his. My 8 year old is like this, can’t see anything from anyone else’s perspective at all.

It doesn't matter about him, his parents, why they are like they are.

What matters is your DC. You need to focus your energy on this and get him out of your house.

Taking lots of photos now of all his crap is a great idea.
Then, once it's all gone, you can take new photos.
A before and after album will show you how far you've come and all the great work you've done

He won’t be able to take the kids from you. His mum won’t be able to make him take the kids. Please don’t worry about that. Concentrate on getting him out.

So what are you going to do?

Echo this. @Rainbow03 you have had lots of suggestions but ultimately YOU have to make a decision.
You have been thinking about this for a very long time. You’ve posted before, and now, and the overwhelming advice is to leave him. And by the way coparenting is something many of us do with ‘relative’ ease.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But for your, and your kids’ future, you have to make a decision.
Personally, I think enough is enough.
But you need to think this too.
When you do, come back and ask for advice. And we can help you do it.

Agree with this. Now you know you're not the problem you can take steps to restore order in yours and your dc lives. Thank God they have one parent who's able to put them first

Thank you to everyone. It’s a lot to digest. The whole thing with his family has been slowly bubbling away in the back ground for a long time and this hoarding also just simmers away. Given my past and really I’m just a very accommodating person and I give people lots of benefit of the doubt. Today we are re-doing my older girls bedroom, brand new furniture etc. I’ve been trying to fit a desk in her room and it was the fact that we have a perfectly good spare room downstairs (that was always meant to be a kids playroom until he moved in) is full of shit and I’m just stood there thinking this just isn’t right. I’ve accommodated too much because I feel guilty. I’ve always known that he is just stubborn but I’ve only just come to realise through arguments that he is simply not able to see anyone’s point of view. I’ve begged and begged over the stuff but he can’t see how it affects me. We are going to have a hard conversation once I’ve calmed down because if I do it now then I will loose my cool. If he is ND which I largely suspect he is then I know that he simply won’t be able to understand and he won’t be able to stop. It’s really sad. I watch him playing with the toddler and how she just adores him and goes to bed holding one of his T-shirts, I feel terrible.

The bonus is when you are living separately although you will probably worry about the living conditions you will be comfortable that they love him and are having a nice time as he is good with playing and being with them not all separated parents get that knowledge.

You can do it on good terms, parents evening, nativity, sports day, share the running around and watching at extracurricular clubs, he can facetime and read them stories etc

Yes they will miss having him around all the time but actually I think my DD gets more quality time with her dad once a week than alot of her friends get with theirs that live with them who are tired after work or who leave the mum to default as parent.

I think you need to think who is more important. Him or your daughter? She is suffering because of his hoarding. Do right by her.

She isn’t suffering at the moment because it’s all contained mostly outside. That’s the difficulty but I know going forward the outside storage solutions are full. So now I’ve got stuff I want to store and nowhere to put it. It’s in the future where the issue is going to be. I manage it in the house but I’m getting to the point where I’ve had enough managing him. You wouldn’t have a clue really if you walked in the door, it looks like a normal house until you look in the shed etc.

I think you need to compartmentalise the IL challenge. It is stopping you focus on the real actual problem which is their son and his stuff in your house.

Even if they were nicest, most welcoming people in the world, their son would still be a hoarder, leaving his shit in your home

Really good idea here - I’d add mention it to your health visitor or GP as well and have it documented that the relationship broke down due to his hoarding.

You literally just said there is a room they can't use that was intended as a craft room but he's filled it with shit.

He's overtaken your home. You seem to have allowed this, in part, because you're worried what his mum might say.

Why do you care what his equally odd mum thinks?

The saddest thing is not having a partner who can empathise with you about anything. Having family who can’t empathise with you either. I don’t have anyone really to turn to to help me simmer down or talk through my feelings. I’m constantly left with my feelings alone in this relationship and everywhere. I’m always the one over reacting or over sensitive or over thinking. I know I’m normal, well I think I am. My own mum is autistic (my daughter also). I’m the only one who feels anything and when I do no one can relate so I just push it aside until I explode. I find this all very difficult, even just knowing whether I’m right to be expecting to live like this or not.

Compulsive shopping is characterised by the excessive or impulsive need to buy things. Compulsive shoppers may feel a rush of pleasure or relief when shopping. Unlike hoarders, compulsive shoppers typically don't have difficulty discarding items but have difficulty controlling the urge to buy. Hoarders have an urge to acquire stuff whether they need it or not. Both need proper help to manage the urge to acquire stuff as part of their OCPD. There are CBT therapies out there but if his mother is telling him you are the problem it may all be a lost cause.

I am going to assume his mother does not live like you do.

Yes I want to use the spare room for them. But I’m aware I’m lucky to have a spare room so they aren’t suffering because they don’t use it. The actual living house is free of his stuff because it gets shoved in the back room or the garage. There are things of the kids I want to store that I can’t. The issue is going forward, we are at a pivot point really, anymore and I’ll totally loose it and it’s coming! I also want to use the bloody garage. Really I’m just loosing my patience and I’ve had enough of being shit hoard manager! Of having to slyly take stuff to the charity shop and sneaking around. My kids are absolutely ok at the moment but I’ve had enough.

This thread has been eye opening. Obviously I've seen the hoarders programme but any I've seen are people who clearly drew the short straw in life and were oddball/hopeless cases to begin with. The way you describe your DP is chilling OP. That detachment from reality is so bizarre for a man who, for all intents and purposes, has a life that appears "normal". He has a good job, friends and a family. Yet he wriggles around, squealing like a little piglet when you try to discuss this obviously mental situation. Fascinating.

Ridiculous, IMO, for people to suggest you stay together but live separately. Why would a smart, normal woman want to have a crazed hoarder stashed away in another house?! That would be mortifying for OP to have to live with/explain to people. She could never respect a man like that. Just end the relationship and he can still spend time with your DC and be an involved father. Smirking like a weirdo when his MIL is telling him his behaviour is selfish is completely unhinged and he can't be fixed.

It sounds incredibly stressful for you OP. Focus on your DDs room today but when you have the headspace I would start writing a list of how you would manage things when you separate. Write down the financial situation and what you would need from him to manage. Write down what you think would be fair and reasonable with regards child access, childcare logistics, sharing of responsibilities. Writing it all down helps when your stuck and is a less scary step than having "the conversation". I find putting it down in black and white helps move you in the right direction instead of angst and worry looping around in your head.

Best of luck 💐

I just want to scream “HOW I FEEL MATTERS”. I couldn’t give a shit anymore whether it’s warranted to people. This is exactly how I felt in my abusive relationship. Although it was much more severe the context is the same, no one cares how I feel.

It is another form of abuse IMO. He's controlling spaces in the house which is a shared living space, prioritising his junk hoard over your needs and those of your children.

But neither you nor your children have a 'spare' room.

Because your dp has decided, unilaterally to fill it with cables and car parts. He got lucky.

Everyone else lost out.

Yes it does matter, and you clearly can’t carry on like you have been. The most important thing in his life is his stuff. Not you or the children but his stuff. And your feelings are of no concern to him because you are trying to get him to stop. And he doesn’t want to. He loves his stuff and you are the big bad wolf trying to take it away from him. He is like a child having his sweets taken away. The giggling when he brought home new rubbish is not normal behaviour for a man of 35….
Tell him he’s got to clear the spare room today. Completely empty or it goes outside your house with a big sign saying please take. If he wants it he can take it to his parents or somewhere but it needs to be gone today. And then he has 2 weeks to get rid of the rest or you pay to get it removed. And get him out. The kids will be fine visiting him they can still have a relationship with him, but you need to cut loose before you end up hating him.