My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Him and his whole family make me feel like something is wrong with me. I keep questioning everything. They bring up my decisions being in an abusive relationship and how I am an issue. I cause issues etc.

In the nicest possible way, what will compel him to change unless you do something? It doesn’t sound like he’s considerate of other peoples feelings, so won’t have a change of heart on his own. Feel for you OP

OP screw him and his family, they all sound like a toxic bunch, you don’t need all this negativity in your lives. Normal people aren’t like that.

He has a hoarding disorder and it was not caused by you.

ETA the family sounds dysfunctional. You had the guts to get out of an abusive relationship in the past and for that you should be praised, not criticised.

No I just feel totally out of place with these people. They call him their adorable boy. If this was my child I would be over there telling him to get help and keep his family together. My partner tells me it’s my fault and I’ve pushed myself out but it’s not true. They would all be so happy if I disappeared. I want a nice life with loving family, this feels like it’s slowly eroding me all over again.

No I don’t blame me for his disorder. I blame his parents for not giving him what he needed as a child and ignoring the issue and playing perfect families and now I’ve got stuck in this with no backing or help.

@Rainbow03 this is awful. But you dont need us telling you it is, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on here. Sounds like you’ve finally realised how awful it’s been and something in you has decided not to put up with it anymore. I hope you’re able to get out and find the peace you and your children deserve. Don’t waste any more time on him or his batshit family. Picture yourself free of him and his hoard and never seeing his family or letting them make you feel small again. The stress of staying and trying to change him isn’t doing you any good.

I’m sorry but you are never free of people like this. I’m not free of my ex because of a shared child. I have found leaving is just as bad because they have unsupervised access to do and say whatever they like and it has a lot of weight. I feel trapped.

1.He has his own place.
2.He can either take all his stuff to his place
or
3.Hire a skip.

How long will you give him to remove himself and his stuff?

I’m worried and I know it makes no difference but the mum has been whispering in his ear for years that I’m a trouble maker. I’m honestly not, I’ve had enough trouble and want a nice safe easier life. I want to be seen and respected. I feel neither and I feel like he has me pinned down as the trouble maker and he is absolutely an angle and I’m wrecking it with my past issues. It’s such a head f**k at times I don’t know which way to think. Is this normal for people? Is he twisting my past to suit his problem?

Ultimately, what harm can it do you whatever his parents say? People spilt up all the time. Even previously good relationships with in laws fracture, it is the nature of it. Don't need their approval because they certainly don't seem to need yours.

Well if he and his family think you are such a trouble maker, they shouldn't have any problem with him moving back out again should they?

OP easier said than done I know. But try to focus on the practicalities of this situation now. That’s clearing stuff from the house to the garage. Sorting out the room for the DC. Being clear about the date you need him and all the clutter gone. Take strength from making your home nicer for DC.

Reach out to good friends tell them you’ll need moral and practical support.

His family all sound batshit. You will never having a loving family life with them because they are dysfunctional. They’ll never think anyone’s good enough for them. So take the power back and stop caring. Block them if they are likely to harass you. Don’t go and see them. Leave H to deal with them.

They won’t be able to take your DC.

Look after your MH. I am not surprised it’s got to you. It would drive me bananas.

💐

Not read all PPs but I just keep thinking has the OP never seen the old TV programs about hoarders and what becomes of where they live, their hoards and their lives? If the person keeps bringing stuff in and never taking anything out the property will and does get so full of stuff it is a health hazard and fire risk. Those TV shows revealed kitchens which are no longer useable because every surface is covered with rubbish - same with all other rooms - people could not even get into them. Bed was unusable as weighed down and covered with junk. Old magazines piled high up the stairs etc, etc. Rats and mice of course. At the end of the shows health departments used come in with lorry and insist on clearances and it could take a few days. The person concerned always had to be either tricked to leave or just forced to have all the stuff removed, they never agreed to any clearances although they were living in truly dire conditions. Also there were never any children at these properties. This may happen to you.

This isn’t selfish. I love my DH and never thought anything in the world could beat that. From the minute I laid eyes on my dd I knew that I would do anything for her. I’m still with my DH and I love him loads BUT she will always come first and in your situation I would get him to leave without hesitation or guilt. You have given him opportunities to improve with no luck. Time for you to get your house back for you and your children.

OP you've had a lot of good advice and support here. I'd add one practical note - take photos of his stuff*. Lots of them, from everywhere in the house and outside. If his family do try to get the DCs, photographic evidence of the environment they would be in would make your case a lot easier.

*And copy them everywhere. Email them to yourself. To a good friend. Put them on a memory stick. Or several. Don't just leave them on your phone where he could try to get at it and delete them.

What kind of stuff? Is he tub diving or buying stuff?

RTFT

What types of things are they? What does he collect them for? It is really not normal - would he be open to getting some therapy? If you make demands about his stuff or just start getting rid of it, you will probably push him into overdrive which will make things worse - hoarders usually go straight out and get more stuff. Fire departments used to help with hoarding, but a lot of funding got cut, so you may have to look through the NHS or privately.

Boxes upon boxes of wires, tvs bikes, wood, furniture, car tyres, anything anyone is giving away for free, hot tubs, fish tanks, things to fix, all old shoes and clothes and bedding, magazines, comics, holiday souvenirs even the food in them will be stored, fans, old computers, PlayStations, thousands upon thousands of DVDs, it’s everything and anything and he puts it in and it never comes out again.

The more this thread goes on the more stupid I feel for getting into this and letting it be twisted back to me being a problem. I’m too house proud and I just want to show off. I had decorated my house so nicely and he couldn’t care less about how nice it looked before.

Ok, that is helpful to know. Unfortunately it also makes the prognosis worse.

Hoarding is very similar to other forms of OCD. It is an anxiety disorder where not collecting stuff and getting rid of existing stuff causes intense fear. People can almost be delusional in their belief about how they are living, or how it impacts people.

At the same time you mention an ND child. People with ND have a higher prevalence of OCD or OCPD (when the OCD beliefs are hard wired into the personality and the person really cant imagine or see any other way to be, and never had a time when they were not like this). At the same time, if he is ND (and sounds like his mother may be too?) he will lack theory of mind - he literally will not be able to see things from any other point of view than his.

None of this means he is a bad person, or that he does not love you or care about you. But it is not a great outlook I am afraid.

Do not move, throw away or damage his hoard. He will just go into overdrive.

Give him a time to move out by. Hire someone to remove the hoard, put it in a storage unit which you pay a months rent for. Change the locks and tell him he cannot come back to your house.

Sometimes people resist getting therapy until given an ultimatum. Many men only come into therapy when their partners leave, throw them our, or give them a deadline by which those things will be happening. But if, as I suspect, he has OCPD and or ASD, I think it this unlikely to change him. I am so sorry. I would also not worry about him taking the children - all you need to do is document his hoarding and concerns about safety (fire hazard for one, health hazard for another)

Enough OP. You are being gaslighted - IN YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME!

Your partners hoarding is making your home a nightmare. He doesn't have the right to bring unlimited stuff into your home. No matter how much it pleases him to do so, it is still YOURS and you get the final word.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this, it must be hell. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all disappear.

It just sounds so much more serious than he has a lot of stuff. It sounds in your description as absolutely non negotiable. He appears to me to have no idea of how this affects me. He isn’t embarrassed about how he lived before, he would happily invite people into the mess.

I feel responsible. I didn’t think I could get pregnant as after scans I was told I had no eggs in my ovaries. His parents have said numerous times I trapped him, I really didn’t. I love my little 2 year old more than anything regardless. He moved in ( we’d been together over 2 years). I think it was in a panic. All his stuff just came over and I thought he’d sort it but in the two years it’s got worse. I have given him too much space to accommodate because I feel I gave him no choice but to move into mine. He was happy in 2 houses.